"The Missionary"

The Missionary (1982) is a low key British comedy that takes place at the turn of the century in London. Michael Palin, who also wrote and produced, is brought back from a lengthy assignment in Africa to get married, and also for a special assignment from the bishop. He is to run a mission right in London for the "ladies of the night." It is also up to him to raise the funds to support this project. Maggie Smith, as the wife of the wealthiest lord in England, decides to fund his project in return for sexual favors.

Once he has the cash, he goes out to recruit women, and has to sleep with the first woman to get her respect. After that, he does a thriving business, mostly because the girls all can respect a man of God who has sex with them. The fiancee, who is not exactly erotic dream material, waits for him to afford the wedding. Meanwhile, Smith notices that Palin is not servicing her.

Valerie Whittington, as one of the call girls, shows full frontal getting into Palin's bed. While we don't see her face in the exposure shots, it was a pan from her face to the nightie, which was then lifted, and is certainly her. IMDB readers have this at 5.9 of 10, and the only two reviews on line are not very favorable, saying that it was seldom funny. It may have been my mood, but I enjoyed it very much. Of course, it pokes fun at targets that I think merit a little well-directed humor. The proper score is probably C-.

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  • Valerie Whittington (1, 2, 3)

    "The Perez Family"

    The Perez Family (1995) stars Marisa Tomei as a young Cuban who manages to defect to Florida on the last boat of the famous boat lift, which took political prisoners released by Castro to Florida. On the boat, she met Alfred Molina who had been a political prisoner for 20 years, and had the same last name as she did, Perez. He was finally going to his wife (Anjellica Huston) who had been waiting for him all these years, and his daughter, but didn't notify her that he was coming, as he was ashamed of his appearance after all those years in a Castro prison.

    When they reached Florida, they were placed in a camp at the Orange Bowl, which was nearly as much a prison as the one they had left. Tomei soon learns that families get sponsors first, and get out of the camp, so she pretends to be married to Molina, and finds a son and a grandfather when a larger family is required. Meanwhile, Huston is finally giving up on him, since he seemed to have missed the last boat, and begins a romance with a federal agent who is interested in her. I know this sounds like a plot driven drama, but it is really more of a character driven romantic comedy. Huston shows first one nipple, then the other, while taking a bubble bath. Unfortunately, Tomie shows nothing, but comes very close several times, in her role as a fiery sexpot.

    IMDB readers have this at 5.9 of 10. Ebert scores it three stars, and Berardinelli at 2 1/2. US gross was only $2.8M against an $11M budget. I adored this film, mostly because I liked most of the characters. Tomei stole every scene she was in, and Huston, playing a woman who had been in America for 20 years at this point, rightly was no longer a fiery Cuban. The Latin score was very upbeat, the set decoration appropriately colorful, and the cinematography very nice. This is a C. If you like character driven comedy, and relate to these characters, you should enjoy it.

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  • Anjelica Huston (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)



    LAUREL CANYON (2002). "Laurel Canyon" is a street which has a reputation as a Greenwich Village West, home to the more bohemian types of California artists.  Frances McDormand plays a 50ish hippie record producer living that Laurel Canyon life, smokin' dope, skinny dippin', and trying to come up with a hit single for a British band whose young lead singer (played by Alessandro Nivola) has become  her lover.

    They are joined by McDormand's ultra-straight son (Christian Bale) and his even straighter fiancée (Kate Beckinsale), who are both recent graduates of Harvard medical school. The young couple had moved to Los Angeles to live their serious conservative life, Bale to begin his psychiatric residency, Beckinsale to write a Ph.D dissertation about some esoteric application of genetics. They had been promised the house to themselves, but when they arrive, Bale finds out that his mom will be sharing their quarters because she gave her beach house to an ex-boyfriend. Beckinsale, therefore, must work on her dissertation while a rock band plays beneath her.

    As time goes on, Bale finds his mother's life increasingly distasteful. Beckinsale, on the other hand, starts to be seduced by it. This situation is exacerbated when Beckinsale starts to ignore her thesis to smoke dope, party with the rock band, and even to have a sexual liaison with Bale's mother. Bale, without realizing what is going on, is struggling with his own attraction to a beautiful fellow resident. (Natascha McElhone)

    I regret to say that it is just as good as it sounds. If it sounds like your kind of material, go for it, because it is made by professionals. The only thing that might hold you back from enjoying it is one of those crazy endings where absolutely nothing gets resolved, and it seems like there should still be about another thirty minutes to go.

    If it doesn't sound like your kind of material, there's really no extra spin on the film that allows it to rise above the level of a soap opera. The McElhone character is very thinly drawn, She's basically a plot device. The other characters are more like archetypes than real people. The talented Bale is wasted in a role in which he mumbles quietly through most of it. Only Frances McDormand rises above the script and brings real life to her character. In fact, the character would be completely lacking in credibility if handled by 99% of the actresses in the world, but McDormand is one of those magical geniuses who can figure out how to deliver bad lines in a way that creates a genuine human character.

    I have no idea what the distributor plans to do with this movie. The last three weeks it has been on 10 screens, then 19, then 19. The box office in week three was worse than in week two. It seems to be going nowhere, although most critics have reviewed it. (It was shown at Cannes and Sundance)

    Critical reaction was tepid. Nobody really hated it, but it had few enthusiastic champions. Our all-star team basically scored it a 2/4, and none of them really recommended it, but the Rotten Tomatoes evaluation shows 67% positive reviews, a "fresh" rather than a "rotten", so there were plenty of critics that liked it at least a little bit. I looked through the reviews at, and they seemed to range from a lukewarm C to a lukewarm B, with universal praise for McDormand. The only score lower than C or higher than B was a D from Rolling Stone (they gave it one star and said it was cliché-ridden).

    My verdict C-. But I would be very enthusiastic about the nudity if I were working with a DVD, so we should be very pleased with that aspect of the film when it hits home video.

    Nudity report:

    • Frances McDormand flashes her breasts to the band during production, then is later seen naked underwater in a skinny-dipping scene which is filmed from above the water. (1, 2)
    • Gina Doctor is naked (purse covering privates), as one of Bale's patients
    • Kate Beckinsale shows the side of her buns in an apres-sex scene. Although she is involved in a sex scene, a strip, and a skinny dip, she never really shows anything, but spends a lot of time in her underwear.

    Other nudity:

    • Christian Bale shows the side of his butt when getting out of bed.
    • Allesandro Nivola is seen in the skinny-dipping scene (naked, but he's underwater with the camera above the water)
    • There is a topless woman at one of the band's pool parties.


    Other crap:

    What're the odds?


    American Idol 2: Who will Win?

    Closing Date: Apr 01, 2003 21:00

    Bet Selections Win Odds
    Clay Aiken 3/2
    Ruben Studdard 7/4
    Joshua Gracin 6/1
    Trenyce 6/1
    Carmen Rasmusen 14/1
    Corey Clark 14/1
    Kimberly Locke 16/1
    Ricky Smith 16/1
    Kimberly Caldwell 20/1


    Here are the latest movie reviews available at

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    'Caps and comments by Brainscan:

    "Fantasies 2", Day two.

    As recap, this 1992 flick features, many famous B-movie types and cross-over pornabies. Seriously nekkid for minutes on end.

    • B movie queen and former Penthouse Pet, Monique Gabrielle in a wet and wonderful scene. Jumbo jacks in all collages, bush in 6 and 10, bum in 9. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)

    • Sandra Wild, occasional B movie actress and sometime Hefmag model, in a whole mess o' scenes. Robohooters everywhere you look, bush in 3 and 6, bum in 2 and 16. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)

    • Tamara Landy looking absolutely fabulous. This is one nicely proportioned woman, and you get to see all those proportions. Bush in 4, 5 and 13, bum in 12, marvo-hooters throughout. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)

    • Last up is fitness model and sometime actress Traci Dali (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

    'Caps and comments by Hankster:

    It's a clean up the hard drive day.

    First up a soft porn b-movie "Smooth Operator" with the star Megan Hughes showing a little boob.

    • Megan Hughes (1, 2, 3)

    Then one from the same flick of veteran b-movie babe Tammy Parks playing a hooker who is servicing her client in a men's room.

    Next is a "Babes in Bondage" series taken from a trailer on a Something Weird video called "Cover Girl Slaughter". I am not sure but I think this might actually be from one of the many "Mondo" movies. Anyway it has almost naked babes in all sorts of peril.

    • Unknowns (1, 2, 3, 4)

    'Caps and comments by Spaz:

    Various DVD releases

    "Rub & Tug" (2002)
    This Canadian "sexy" comedy that takes place at a "full service" massage parlor. However with this adult theme the sex romps and exposure by the three lead actresses is minimal although there is alot of male butt exposure (a supporting actress saves the day by taking off her clothes during job interview).

    The movie had a limited theatrical run with fair reviews and has finally been released last week on DVD (try Amazon Canada).

    "Infested" (2002)
    Grade-D bug-horror released direct-to-video with passable nudity.

    • Amy Jo Johnson: The Pink Power Ranger shows her bare back and tattoos in shower, somehow manages to keep her towel on while running down stairs.

    • Lisa Ann Hadley: brassiere only by this soap star.

    • Nahanni Johnstone: excellent topless while skinnydipping. The water looks cold.

    "The Outer Limits: Sex & Science Fiction"
    From episode "Flower Child" hidden on the flip side of the DVD.

    • Judy Taylor: cleavage, braless pokies, nude in the shower (possible body double), and wearing nothing but a coat of leaves.

    "Death Wish V: The Face of Death" (1994)
    Or as I like to call it, ""Death Wish V: So Very Tired"

    Charles Bronson goes to Emmett's Fixit Shop to fix Emmett.

    • Sharolyn Sparrow: nice topless in hottub. Note: Sharolyn's boobs being malformed in the third frame is caused by muscle contractions, not a bad bood job as stated previously by myself.

    • Tova Gallimore: topless as one of the models.

    "Three Card Monte" (1978)
    Grade-D video transfer and a not much better movie.

    Goin' Down the Road (1970)

    • Jayne Eastwood shows some boob and butt in this Canadian classic. Unfortunately the DVD is a grade-F video transfer with very poor color saturation. The regular video release is much more easier on the eyes.

    Child Under a Leaf (1974)

    • Dyan Cannon showing partial boob and butt in this very slow Canadian melodrama. Only available on grade-Z DVD-R bootleg.

    Rebecca Romijn-Stamos
    (1, 2)

    Fantastic production stills of Romijn-Stamos as Mystique in "X-Men 2".

    Cameron Diaz
    (1, 2)

    Drew Barrymore

    Hey Scoop,

    Here are some images of Cameron Diaz and Drew Barrymore from the trailer for "Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle."

    Here are the goods:
    Cameron #1...close up rear bikini view
    Cameron #2...upskirt view
    Drew...soaking wet in a car wash


    -D Slack

    Francesca Rettondini The beautiful Italian actress topless and baring her bum in scenes from "Ghost Ship". Another excellent collage by Dann.

    Mail Bag
    Hey Scoop,

    Gentlemen... Unfortunately I preface this by admitting that I was watching Carson Daily on his NBC show Friday night/Saturday morning. Julie Bowen of tv's ED was the guest. Thankfully she was weraing a very short mini skirt. After a segment where she met one of the interns from the show (he had a crush on her) she sat down and was adusting herself in her chair. She raised up just enough to show a brief panty crotch shot and a portion of her ass cheeks. Seeing that breif glimpse was well worth the brain cells I killed watching that tool Carson... Based on the interview, Bowen is quite a little firecracker.

    Anyway, could you ask if anyone caught it on their TIVO? Would love to have caps.