Lip Service (1999) is a Skinemax straight to vid version of Charlies Angels. It stars Michelle Turner (AKA Susan Featherly) as the owner of a detective agency that specializes in divorce cases. Her assistants are played by Zoe Paul and Elina Madison. The trio are to investigate a famous hard core star, played by Vanessa Blaire, because her fiancee suspects she is cheating on him off set. Don't even try to follow the muddled plot, which isn't the point of this thing at all. All four of the above mentioned women, and Stacey Howell, show everything twice, either in girl/girl. or girl/guy sex scenes.
IMDb readers have it at 1.2 of 10, which would be a little harsh based on the amount of nudity, but the sex scenes fizzle rather than sizzle, and the DVD presents a wide screen compressed to 4/3 aspect ration. I did correct the aspect ration and ended up with decent images, but don't expect to see anything that looks nearly this good from the DVD. Susan Featherly, with 26 credits, is the only reason to watch this, and, in my opinion, is not reason enough. Were the DVD in the correct aspect ration, this would be a C-, but, since its only value is eye candy, and the transfer has destroyed that, it is an F.
Star Quest (1994) is a pretty good Sci Fi yarn, but very badly executed. A group of space travelers is awakened from Cryo sleep after a 100 year voyage, only to find that their captain died due to a malfunction or something 35 years before. Then the new officer in charge hangs himself after viewing confidential logs. One of the crew hacks in and discovers why. It seems Earth has been destroyed, and all their families, who were supposed to be in Cryo storage, are gone. Some in the crew suspect some kind of plot or on-board assassin, and others just want to give up. There are some really nifty plot twists, which I don't want to spoil for you.
Unfortunately, the film was marred by poor performances, cheap sets and art direction, and poor directing. I suspect the nudity from Lisa Boyle (she shows breasts), supposedly on a disk viewed in a virtual reality machine, was added at a late date to make it more saleable. IMDb rates this 3.7 of 10. They also call it Terminal Voyage. There are no reviews available, but one commented at IMDb how much it resembles Ten Little Indians. The film as directed is not really watchable, which is unfortunate, as the story has a lot of promise. This is a D+. If you can put up with the incompetent production, the story has nice twists at the end. If you elect to risk a rental, keep your finger on the fast forward button.
|Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
Art of Revenge (2003)
There are only two key elements that kept this film from being a
good erotic thriller:
1. It's not erotic
2. It's not thrilling
OK, I'll admit those are quite major factors in the scheme of
things, but the film might have worked with only a few changes.
On the thriller side, it started with a pretty decent script, and a
plot twist that fooled me. The basic premise is that a husband
divorces his wife out of nowhere, for no very good reason, and the
wife concocts a scheme of revenge, manipulating various
elements of his life like an unseen puppeteer, all while pretending
to stay friends with him.
I think this same script could be punched up a bit and made into a
pretty solid, interesting movie if ... and this is a BIG "if" ... it
were performed by real actors. It's basically a five character play
with lots of twists in the alliances and plots between those
characters. The female performers were kinda sorta competent, but
the two males were not at all. One of them was a son of Dom DeLuise,
the other one is a rock star turned actor named Stephen Jenkins, the
lead singer of Third Eye Blind. This is the first time he's played
anything other than "rock singer", and I'm guessing it will probably
be the last. In real life, he must be quite the stud-boy, having
dated some major babes like Charlize Theron. His on-screen persona,
however, is ... well, let's just say there's no way you'll
believe he's heterosexual. His hysterical outbursts, stressing all
the wrong words in a flamboyant way, coupled with his unfortunate
lisp, make him the very caricature of a "you" (young outed urban).
This guy makes Andy Dick seem as rugged and manly as Lee Marvin. If
he were playing a gay guy, I would be complaining that his
performance was too stereotyped, yet he is supposed to be a studly
young man on the make.
His wife was played by Joyce Hyser, who did a respectable job in her
role, but seemed miscast. I say that because Hyser is hot on the
trail to 50 (she'll be 47 this year), and looks it, while rock-boy
is 39 and looks younger, so it seemed that she could easily have
been playing his mom. You'll remember Hyser from "Just One of The
Guys" about 20 years ago, as the girl who switched schools and
pretended to be a boy to prove that she lost an essay contest
because of her gender. She had a few other decent-sized movie roles
in 1983-1985, then appeared on L.A. Law in the late 80s, then
virtually disappeared. In her IMDb filmography, she only has one
credit between 1991 and 2002. I don't think she should count on this
film to launch a comeback.
On the erotic side ... well, it has sex scenes, but no T&A at all.
The Dazzling Nichole Hiltz, playing the husband's new love interest,
would have been a good candidate for some nudity, but she never came
close. I have seen beekeepers with less of their body covered. Hyser
did one of those PG movie sex scenes where the lovers press their
chests together so all possible nipples are hidden.
The modesty of this film doesn't make sense to me. It is a
straight-to-vid erotic-themed thriller with an R rating. Scoop's
First Unity of Time and Space and Movie Shit says - once you know
you will be awarded an R rating for language, load up on the breast
count, because the tits are free. The MPAA doesn't assign an
NC-17 just for showing breasts, so the worst they will give is an R.
If you already have an R ... well, to repeat my essential
hypothesis, the tits are free.
That's an important marketing point to remember with any film, but
it's an absolutely critical issue with a straight-to-vid thriller.
If this had some sexy nudity, ala Basic Instinct, I'd be telling you
that you should rent it if you like a sexy thriller, because it has
a decent plot and you can ignore some of the bad acting. Without the
T&A, I just can't give you any reason to spend your time on this
And that's kind of a shame, because one could take this same script,
add some erotic elements, hire some real actors, and make a very
respectable STV movie.
- Joyce Hyser (I don't think there is anything to see. Close,
but no cigar.) (1,
The Big Bounce (2004):
What went wrong here? Start with an Elmore Leonard story, like
the ones that drove Get Shorty and Out of Sight. Add a good starring
cast: Morgan Freeman, Gary Sinese, Owen Wilson. Layer in some
colorful minor characters: Willie Nelson, Harry Dean Stanton, Bebe
Neuwirth, Charlie Sheen, Vinnie Jones. Throw in some crazy cameos:
remember Have a Little Tea With Goldie from the Smothers Brothers
show? Goldie is in this movie. Remember NFL running back Tony
Dorsett? He's here as well. Add a little nudity from sexy young Sara
Foster. It should result in a frothy and pleasant concoction, right?
You would think so, as I did, and you'd be just as wrong as I
Owen Wilson tries to do a Bob Hope - to play one of those
characters who is technically part of the movie, but is really apart
from it, commenting on it. That doesn't really work. Throughout the
film, the audience is left scratching its collective head, wondering
how much to take seriously. The movie can't decide. One character
gets caught burying a box full of stolen wallets by another
character, who is the local judge. Then a cell phone goes off inside
the buried box. The judge witnesses the entire scene, hears the
phone, but doesn't seem to care. When we find out that the judge is
the real criminal mastermind on the island, we can look back on that
scene and realize why he ignored the obvious evidence of a felony,
but the scene just doesn't work in context. Surely the small time
con-man (Wilson) would have to wonder why such an upright citizen as
the judge (Freeman) was ignoring his criminality, but he just
accepts it, and continues to march blindly forward because, like a
Bob Hope character, he knows he's in a crime movie, and he needs to
keep moving forward toward the big crime.
The entire film is lacking in both energy and focus. The Charlie
Sheen character has way too much screen time, even though he seems
unnecessary to the plot. Owen Wilson needs a high-energy foil to
balance his laid-back charm, but he is paired up with Freeman, the
only actor on the world more laid-back than he is, so their lifeless
interaction consists entirely of indirection and shrugging off
things they should take notice of. It is all supposed to come
together at the end, when the film leads up to a big caper, but that
heist is completely mismanaged and mistimed by the writer and
director, so that the twists and revelations in the denouement are
both confusing and lacking in tension.
Skip it. Major disappointment.
Here's the premise.
Julie Christie plays a Moroccan woman. With blond hair, blue
eyes, and a phoneme-perfect Hungarian accent.
She lives in L.A., where the story begins as she and her daughter
(Carmen Chaplin) are planning to attend her ex-husband's re-marriage
to a gorgeous young bim. The mother and daughter talk, Daughter is
upset at her dad about the whole trophy wife thing, but mom is not
fazed in the least. She is thrilled to be out of an arranged
marriage to a man she never loved. The daughter wonders if her mom
was ever in love. Well, yes, when she lived in North Africa, there
was this American boy backpacking through ... but he was only there
for a few days, then left, never to return.
The daughter feels that she needs some time away from her
familiar circumstances, a chance to explore the world and her own
feelings. She heads off to Europe and decides to settle for a while
in Amsterdam. A series of events leads her to the bookstore of an
elderly American hippie, with whom she forms a deep friendship. He
hopes their affection will develop into love, but she doesn't think
of him that way.
Now, for you mathematically inclined, here's a word problem. What
are the odds that the person the daughter would take in as her #1
friend and confidante would be the one guy her mother ever loved?
Remember, that guy could have been in L.A., or Shanghai, or Katmandu
or Capetown. Since nobody knew that the guy was in Amsterdam, and
the daughter only ended up in Amsterdam on a last-minute whim, I
calculate the odds at about one in six or seven billion. That's how
many people there are in the world. She went to a random city and
befriended a random guy based on random circumstances. (She was
being assailed in the streets. She was saved by a hooker. The hooker
took the girl to her kindest client - the hippie.)
Of all the gin joints in all the cities in all the world, she had
to walk into his!
In other words, at one in six billion or more, this is about as
likely as OJ being innocent!
The old geezer ex-lovers do eventually get together, so it has a
heart-warming if implausible finale, but I shore 'nuff had to go
through a lot of pain to get there.
- More strange casting: Burt Reynolds played the hippie. I spent
the first half of the movie thinking he was supposed to be
brain-damaged, but I guess that was not so. Burt himself
contributed something to my impression, but the main offender was
the doofus who played Burt in the Moroccan flashbacks, who seemed
to be on a permanent acid trip. It turns out that Burt wasn't
supposed to be retarded or on an acid flashback. He was merely
"wounded", and stoned most of the time
- I didn't even like the cinematography that Tuna praised. I
found every scene except the father's wedding to be underlit, to
the point where I was sometimes straining my eyes to see what was
going on, especially in the bookstore and on the boat. There were
some excellent outdoor shots of Amsterdam, but those also seemed
- The bad guy, the evil Dutch dude who was trying to force the
hippie to sell his bookstore, was a total caricature who thought
the film was a farce rather than a sentimental romantic comedy. He
may also be the only person I've ever seen with sillier hair than
- More strange casting: Carmen Chaplin seemed too old and too
foreign (she speaks with one of those over-enunciated
pretending-to-be-American accents, ala Marina Sirtis and Claire
Forlani) for the barely post-adolescent American role, so I tried
to look up her age. It is a deep, dark secret! She did her first
nude scene in 1993, so I suppose she must be about 30.
All in all, it is a mediocre, mis-cast film which rambles to an
implausible conclusion. It's not a totally bad film, though. It has
a warm heart to atone partially for its complete lack of a brain,
and genre fans may like it, as Tuna did, and Chaplin got naked quite
a bit. C-.
Here is what Tuna said about this film:
Snapshots (2002) is enjoying its US premier direct to video this
week. It is a romantic comedy with some unlikely casting choices
that, for me, worked. This joint Dutch English co-production stars
Burt Reynolds as an aging hippy living and running a book store in
Amsterdam. He is pretty much a loner, and has a gruff exterior, but
has a heart of gold. A would-be developer is trying to get him to
sell the store, hoping to build a sex superstore, and Reynolds is
the last holdout.
Meanwhile, Moroccan Julie Christie and her daughter Carmen Chaplin
are living in LA, and the two are arguing over attendance at the
wedding of Chaplin's father to a young woman. Mom threatens to keep
Chaplin from taking an extended trip to Europe if she doesn't
attend. Mom tells her not to go to Amsterdam, as it is not a good
place for a young girl to be alone, but to try Venice instead.
Naturally, Chaplin goes to Amsterdam, and ends up meeting, then
working for, Reynolds. We slowly learn that Reynolds had one great
love in his life, a woman in Morocco, who was already married. It
becomes pretty obvious that Christy is that woman, and she has also
been thinking about Reynolds all those years. Meanwhile, Chaplin is
trying to "find herself." When Reynolds tells her to look in a
mirror to find herself, she starts taking nude photos of herself to
try and understand how people see her, and starts a romance with a
young man who owns a photography store.
I had a little trouble with the concept of Reynolds as an aging
hippy, mostly due to the parts I have seen him play, but he actually
developed a character for this film. Christie was phenomenal as a
Moroccan, and Carmen Chaplin looks great, has fantastic eyes, and
has talent to spare. Of course, you could expect as much from
Charles Chaplin's granddaughter. The film was shot mainly in
Amsterdam, with some flashbacks in Morocco, and a few scenes in LA,
so much of the scenery was fantastic. Gßbor Szabˇ did the
cinematography, so it was very nicely photographed.
14 people at IMDB have this at 6.2 of 10, which is not a bad score
for a direct to vid. There are no on line reviews in English.
Chaplin shows breasts, buns, and a hint of bush during her photo
sessions. Granted, Reynolds as a bohemian ex hippy was a stretch,
and the outcome is predictable, but getting there was a lot of fun,
and I was rooting for the happy ending. This film is a good solid C.
Fans of romantic comedy will enjoy it.
Rachel Hunter, 35, has been seeing Sean Avery, 24, a forward with
the Los Angeles Kings.
The critics hated it, but Van Helsing opened with the 25th best
opening day of all time! It took in more than all the
other films added together, which tells you as much about the
choices as about Van Helsing.
Europeans Like Bush Even Less Than Before: "In France,
the poll found, the president had an 85 percent negative rating;
in Britain, 57 percent; in Germany 85 percent; and in Russia, 60
percent." In England, where Bush has his best ratings of those
four countries, the British polling company Populus found support
for Senator John Kerry over President Bush by a margin of 56 to 22
percent. You can imagine what the results would look like in the
Masturbate-A-Thon 2004: Come for a Cause!
"I will never eat poop again thanks to this product!!"
Kobe Bryant trial open to cameras: "Cameras will be in
the courtroom when Los Angeles Lakers star Kobe Bryant is
arraigned next week and during his rape trial"
BUSH: IRAQI PRISON SCANDAL RAISES NEW QUESTIONS ABOUT KERRY'S WAR
Dave Barry: Hey, even humor is being outsourced
The Pink Panther begins production
Oregon man's fingerprint tied to bombings in Madrid,
Very confusing connection. (??!!) His attorney and relatives say
they are baffled by his alleged connection to Madrid plot, noting
that he has not been out of the country in more than 10 years. The
accused told his attorney that he had never been to Spain, his
passport had expired in October of last year, and he had never met
anyone from Morocco.
Sasser Worm suspect in German custody - 18 year old high school
Counterbias: Leaked White House Email Shows Campaign Concerns
Craziest Feud in TinselTown: nutbag neighbors James Belushi and
- Presidential Rochambeau:
Kerry throws the best "Paper" ever.
Emily, Jacob Continue To Dominate Baby Names. Neither
John nor Mary appears in the top 10.
- Here's the one you're waiting for
The trailer from The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie.
Spectacular lunar eclipse over Sydney, Australia.
archives. May also include newer material than the ones above,
since it's sorta in real time.
to submit a URL for Other Crap
are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the
review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that
there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written
by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too
ashamed to admit it.
Words from Scoop.
.avi's from Shiloh.
.wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.
Twentynine Palms (2003)
A darling of the pretentious crowd, this two person
film in the desert was scorned by far more people than those who
loved it. Featuring real sex scenes, and people driving around while
doing nothing, followed by extreme violence, it evoked these
Yekaterina Golubeva (.avi, .wmv)
Yekaterina Golubeva (.avi, .wmv)
Yekaterina Golubeva (.avi, .wmv). Long clip,
Yekaterina Golubeva (.avi, .wmv) Obviously
real sex scene.
Yekaterina Golubeva (.avi, .wmv)
Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble
with the codecs for these movies:
FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use
DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use
virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the
vids says the video codec: DivX Decoder Filter & audio
codec: Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with.
When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG
Layer-3. A friend of mine told me about compressing the
audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been
capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this
info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.
When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp &
asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using
camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could
never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost
too much to buy in my opinion.
A reader says:
You mentioned that some users were
having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool
designed to determine what codec is needed for a video.
http://www.headbands.com/gspot/ Hope this is useful to you
or your users.
I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9.
The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in
the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly
larger, and slightly lower quality.
'Caps and comments by Oz:
"Wisdom of Crocodiles"
Starting off with some brief breast exposure by Elina L÷wensohn in The Wisdom of Crocodiles. No exposure by Kerry Fox but we see her partially undressed.
- Elina L÷wensohn
- Kerry Fox
The full frontal nudity in Harvard Man comes from an unnamed girl who comes out of a wall painting. Polly Shannon is also seen topless but the view is dark and brief. There are also some sexy scenes by Joey Lauren Adams and Sarah Michelle Gellar.
"Men with Brooms"
Some more sexy caps of Polly Shannon in Men with Brooms when her body becomes a curling rink.
We see the briefest view of Roxanne Day's nipple in the Fluffer.
Kimberly Williams and Kate Gartside are topless in Elephant Juice and we see a bit of thigh by Rebecca Palmer as she's about to give a hand job.
No nudity in Parting Shots but some nice caps of the actresses. Felicity Kendall was voted the sexiest bum on UK TV about 25 years ago and she's still not bad looking. Ruby Snape and Nicola Bryant play prostitutes and are down to their underwear. Nicola's name would be familiar to fans of Dr Who and you'll see a former Dr Who, Peter Davison, in Ruby's caps.
No nudity by Olivia D'Abo in the very lame The Enemy, but there is a terrific upskirt.
"The One and Only"
Patsy Kensit is seen topless briefly in The One and Only.
"The Business of Strangers"
The nudity in The Business of Strangers comes from a porn film shown on TV. We also see some awful tattoos on Julia Stiles, and Stockard Channing takes a sauna.
|Garner looking great in a white bikini top in HDTV 'caps of scenes from last week's episode of "Alias".
|The Swedish celeb going topless in scenes from her most recent film, 2002's "Bear's Kiss".
|Marvin 'caps of Hernandez showing all 3 B's while doing a strip tease in scenes from an episode of the made for HBO series "CarnivÓle". Episode 11, "Day of the Dead".
|Assorted topless Scream Queens
|Sick Joey takes a look at "Scream Queen Hot Tub Party"
Here are a few comments by Sick Joey:
This dvd was so much fun to watch and it brought back alot of 80's memories! All the big scream queens were here: Brinke Stevens, Monique Gabrielle, Kelli Maroney, Michelle Bauer, Roxanne Kernohan, Linnea Quigley & others . It had a great commentary, plus the bonus movie "One Million Heels B.C" was also very funny.
Two movies and a commentary for only $20!. All 80's scream queen fans should pick this up.
|Señor Skin 'caps of Judd briefly showing breast and bum views in scenes from "Double Jeopardy" (1999)...one of the 42 movies she's done in the past 5 years that are all pretty much interchangeable.