No pretensions here. It's named Hitman and it's based on a video game, so there's no disguising the fact that it is intended as a guilty pleasure film. Fair enough. I like guilty pleasures as much as the next guy, but gratuitous violence and video games are not my particular guilty pleasures, so I was dreading this one. I figured the only thing that could make it worse would be a rogue werewolf cop who doesn't play by the rules. And by "the rules" I mean the cop rules, not the werewolf rules. The cop rules are fairly strict, while werewolves have a pretty informal code which mostly centers around not attacking any fellow werewolves. Professional courtesy. And also, when they are working their day jobs or there is no full moon, they generally give other werewolves a 15% discount. Any other behavior else is pretty much within their boundaries, so a werewolf cop who doesn't play by the werewolf rules wouldn't be much different from one who does. Maybe he would let a fellow werewolf off with a warning instead of giving him a ticket.

Anyway, I was wrong about Hitman. It's a pretty decent flick.

Of course, some of the film's expected liabilities are inherent to the genre and could not be overcome. Obviously, a film based on a video game about a hit man can only be so good because a vast amount of running time will have to be devoted to mindless mass slaughter. The only way to make that work is to make it entirely tongue in cheek, and Hitman does lean partially in that direction, but in general it takes its blood and guts seriously. Despite that, the film makes absolutely no effort to be believable. Although Hit Guy is a bald dude with a bar code tattooed on the back of his neck, he makes no effort to disguise himself as he wanders through the world pursued by every counter-agent on the planet. Even little kids on the streets know him. "Hey, mommy, there's that killer guy. Can we get his autograph?" Call me crazy, but if I were Hittie and wanted to travel freely around airports, railway stations and city streets, I'd consider a wig. Because the film never makes a commitment to realism, ala The Bourne Identity, or to parody, ala Shoot 'Em Up, it lives in an uncomfortable limbo between those extremes, and that doesn't really work.

The plot barely exists. It's about as interesting as one of those old-fashioned black-and-white film strips in elementary American History class. You remember them, the ones where the sound track made a ringing noise when the teacher was supposed to click over to the next slide. And it's not like a film strip about something interesting like the Civil War or Prohibition, but like one that explains every intricate background detail behind the Wilmot Proviso. I hear that those educational films are all animated and automated now. Some of 'em are even in color. I wonder if the new technology makes the Wilmot Proviso come to life. I suspect not. I have a feeling it would be boring even if it were presented in 3-D IMAX by Jessica Alba swimming naked in a shark tank.

You're probably wondering why, if the film has a non-descript plot and a familiar mind-set, I enjoyed it.

A few reasons:

First, the character of the Hit Dude, known only as Agent 47, is quite interesting. In terms of sexual inclinations, he's about as far from James Bond as a man can be. We think he is probably a virgin. He has his chances, but he always finds a way to get out of sex, even if it involves knocking the gal out. This guy really has some issues. The back story is that he was an orphan who was raised from earliest infancy to be Agent 47, and nothing more. The lust for women would be a vulnerability, and he's been trained to remain invulnerable. This is the first time I can remember a hero designed for video game nerds who's just as unlikely to get laid as they are!

Second, Timothy Olyphant and Olga Kurylenko brought life and humanity to their characters. Olyphant delivers lines like nobody else, and has the "amoral and off-kilter" schtick absolutely down to a science, to the point where he can use his odd eye movements and offbeat line readings to play an atypical hero (as he does in Deadwood), a villain (as he does in Live Free or Die Hard), or an anti-hero (as he does here). Ms. Kurylenko, meanwhile, is utterly charming and vulnerable. This is the first video game adaptation I can recall where I actually dug the main characters.

Finally, the film has some guilty pleasures that I do enjoy. The Hitster travels around glamorous foreign locales, ala James Bond, and the exterior daylight shots are splendid. The nighttime exteriors basically consist of cityscapes lit with colored lights in the manner of European tourist attractions, or maybe I should say in the manner of Dick Tracy, because the film has a certain comic strip ambience to it. Overall, the visuals in this film are surprisingly dramatic and effective.  Even better than that, Olga Kurylenko has not one but two nude scenes. Good ones, too. That IS my kind of guilty pleasure.

(The nude scenes are so nice that I pre-ordered this on Blu-Ray! Street date March 11th.)

Critics generally blasted the film (only 13% positive reviews), and the contempt level was even higher in the elite group of critics, where only 6% liked it - one critic out of 18 - but the one who liked it was the influential Roger Ebert. The public overrode the critics sufficiently to produce $39 million at the box office and a very respectable 6.4 at IMDb. (Although the top 1000 voters at IMDb rate it only 5.4.) Those who dismissed this film have some fair points, basically the same negatives I listed above. There were parts of the film that made me wince, but on balance I found it a reasonably appealing experience, despite the fact that I was predisposed to hate it.

Here are the film clips.

And here are the collages.



  • * Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe).

  • * White asterisk: expanded format.

  • * Blue asterisk: not mine.

  • No asterisk: it probably sucks.


Catch the deluxe version of Other Crap in real time, with all the bells and whistles, here.








Days of Darkness


Days of Darkness is your basic comet-induced zombie movie.

Our hero and his girlfriend are camping on a remote site. They talk about how he will respect her decision to remain a virgin. A comet strikes., she wakes up with cramps, and they decide to get her medical help. On the way, they run into some zombies. If you think our hero's day can't get any worse, you're quite mistaken. He also learns that his virgin lover is three months pregnant.

Another motorist stops to help them, and leads them to a compound of non-zombies. While the residents are (mostly) not zombies, they are a motley crew at best. None of them get along and they have only one gun and nine shells among them. The brainless slow-motion zombies gradually whittle away the human numbers until only our hero and his girlfriend are left. Then they discover something important about the zombie-causing space parasites.

90% of the film was lensed in an old bunker, making it about as cinematic and action-packed as Death of a Salesman. And that was just one of the many indications of a minuscule budget. One of the sadder symptoms of the film's minimal financial resources is an apparent lack of budget for real actors. These seem to be the kind of actors who do dinner theater for the free leftovers. I did not find any of the performances convincing. While some genre nuts have praised the level of violence and gore in Days of Darkness, I found the entire film just plain silly. 

IMDb: 3.7

No major reviews.

Ashley Elizabeth Pierce shows breasts as the daughter of a porn star seducing the religious nut so she can infect him.








Going the Distance


A little teen fun today with another National Lampoon presentation. There isn't a whole lot of nudity, but the chicks are hot.

Joanne Kelly with some really nice cleavage and a little butt view. 

Cute Kimberley Warnat shows off her "Tiny Tots." Caps and a clip.

Kate Luyben with some excellent cleavage and under the table action.

Katheryn Winnick, no nudity but great legs getting ready to do the boss. Caps and a clip.

Brief breasts from Mayko Nguyen in the water as a dude drops in. Caps  and a clip.

Two unknowns in a wet t-shirt contest.







Notes and collages


Lesley Ann Warren

Part 5 of 5


Tomorrow begins the best of Aniston, Kudrow, and Cox in Friends






Sick Girl


From the first season of Showtime's excellent horror anthology Masters of Horror (episode 10, January 2006), comes Lucky McKee's Sick Girl, actually more a tale of bugs than sickness. It stars Erin Brown (better known as Misty Mundae) in a story of love and bug bites.

Ida Teeter (Angela Bettis) is a shy and scholarly lesbian etymologist who loves her work. Shortly after receiving an unidentified bug from Brazil, she meets and falls in love with Misty (Erin Brown), a strange young woman whose obsession is drawing fairies.

As the relationship grows and unknown to the pair, Misty is bitten by the strange bug. Only later does Ida receive a letter from the sender of the bug warning that the bug is aggressive, and it's bite will cause the victim to transform into .....

A really cool horror story, as one expects from this series, and both actresses did a great job.


Misty Mundae







Concluding the ex-Hefmate series.

Today, just a web find. You have to look twice to realize that the woman in these scans is a very young Lisa Boyle. Her hair was blond and she was in a frisky mood.









One more film clip of Kira Reed in hardcore. This time she's engaged in some hot girl-on-girl action with Kerri Windsor. I don't believe Kerri is related to the British royal family, although she would certainly liven up Buckingham Palace with some of these antics.

A film clip of Leonor Watling, who gets naked in just about every appearance, in Malas temporadas.

A trio of clips from Charm School: Martha Higareda, Veronica Langer, and various women.

Film clips of Rose Byrne in The Goddess of 1967.

Two sets of film clips from BlackMale: Sascha Knopf alone, and the same Ms. Knopf with Kahshanna Evans.