Charlie's French Cinema Nudity site is updated



Caligula, the Untold Story

(Uncut version)

Tuna reviewed this film in the edited version on a 4:3 DVD mastered from a video tape and awarded it an F. The uncut German DVD is a significantly different product, which alleviates or eliminates the problems Tuna identified:

1. Tuna noted that the DVD was possibly the worst of all time. The German version almost completely eliminates the problem. I say "almost" because the uncut version was cobbled together from at least two different sources, perhaps three. Some scenes are ugly, but 80% of the scenes, perhaps more, are fine. The good scenes have not been brilliantly cleaned up like some of the old films we've reviewed, but they are presented in legitimate DVD quality, and the entire film is presented in a theatrical widescreen ratio. There is one problem with the DVD in that the fill-in portions are only available in Italian while the vast majority of the dialogue is in English, assuming you choose the English audio. (Two other choices are available.) It is distracting when the film switches from English to Italian with English subtitles, but one must understand the desire of the DVD producers to present the most complete version possible. By the way, it's kind of odd to see Caligula speak Italian in those scenes, because the actor who portrayed the mad emperor was English and obviously performed in English. Remember that Italian movies of that era were normally recorded without live sound and post-dubbed, so the actors just spoke whichever language they preferred, since all sound was added in post-production.

2. Tuna noted that the film had very little sex, gore, or nudity, and no debauchery at all. That is certainly not the case in the expanded version. The running time on the German DVD is 125 minutes in PAL format, which translates to 130 minutes in real time. That's about 25 minutes longer than the version Tuna reviewed, and all the additional material is sex and gore. Most of it consists of four long scenes before and during Caligula's big orgy. In the preliminary scenes, first the soldiers review the women who apply to be in the orgy, a process which mainly consists of lifting their skirts, then the candidates are forced to bathe naked, then one of Caligula's minions conducts a pleasure-giving class for the females who have been selected for orgy duty. The lesson includes a BJ on screen and many naked, masturbating women. In the actual orgy, just about every type of sexual act is shown on camera, including about a dozen BJs, cunnilingus, and penetration from many angles. It also has a dwarf with a hard-on, as was required in all sleazy European movies of that era. The highlight, if you want to call it that, is a plump woman masturbating a stallion on camera. The explicit acts are all performed by unnamed extras.

There is also some explicit gore. For example, we see a beheading and a guy getting a giant pike rammed up his bottom and out his chest. (The anal penetration is not shown, but the camera does not pull away until the last possible second, as the pike is just about to disappear into his anus.)

The bad news is that there isn't much additional nudity from Laura Gemser and the two other principals. Laura does have one additional sex scene with Caligula, but it is relatively inexplicit. In both of the sex scenes between Gemser and the emperor, the lion's share of the nudity consists of Caligula's butt. For such a depraved guy, he sure liked the missionary position! The good news is that the footage we do have of those women is in pretty good condition, a massive improvement from the version Tuna screened.

3.  Laura Gemser's character arc probably makes a little more sense in the longer version, given that her change of heart occurs immediately after the tender sex scene between Laura and Caligula, which seems to have been cut from the shorter version, judging from Tuna's caps. But her behavior still defies all logic.  Laura co-operates with the assassin, leads him to Caligula's bedside, allows him to raise his knife - then kills the assassin herself. Why did she change her mind? Just because Caligula threw her a good fuck? If so, why did she allow the assassin to close enough that she might not have been able to stop him? Why not just call Caligula's bodyguard when the assassin first appeared in the palace? The only explanation which will allow the viewer some peace of mind is that she was apparently intending to go through with the assassination of Caligula until the very last second, then changed her mind.  Frankly, I didn't buy it. I think the writer was just inserting a cheap plot twist and creating some artificial suspense when the audience thinks Caligula is about to get offed. The screen shows a flashing blade, and blood ... and the body falling to the ground ... but it is revealed to be the wrong guy, followed by a cut to Gemser with the bloody blade. It's not a bad scene at all, but completely inconsistent with behavior we might reasonably expect from Gemser's character.

One other item requires a passing notation. Caligula tries to pass some of his murders off on the "Christians." First of all, it is unlikely that the historical Caligula would have been aware of the sect at all. The emperor died only a few years after Christ himself, and the religion had by then gained no traction. Second, the Christian pictured in this movie was not Jewish. At the time of Caligula's reign, Paul had not yet begun preaching to the gentiles, and Christianity was still exclusively a sect of Judaism. Third, even if Caligula had become aware of the presence of the new religion, he would not have known them as Christians. That term was first used in Antioch during the great famine, which took place circa 45-48 A.D., some time after Caligula's death. (See Acts 11:26.) Our primary source of information about the lives of Caligula, Claudius and Nero comes from The Twelve Caesars, written by Suetonius. It appears that neither Caligula nor Claudius took any note of the Christians because there is no mention of them in the Suetonius work, by any name, until the reign of Nero.


I would call this version a C on our scale, assuming that the genre is Eurotrash sex movies. If you like vintage Italian sleaze, this film has lots of sex and flesh and sadism - and doesn't look bad at all! Throw in Laura Gemser, and it's not a bad overall package.

You have to view it as a sex film. It would be an E as a costume drama. There's nothing to recommend it except the sleaze, which is why Tuna rated the other (sleaze-free) version an F, after adjusting the score further downward for the inept mastering of that particular DVD.

Ulla Luna


Fabiana Toledo


Laura Gemser


* Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe).

* White asterisk: expanded format.

* Blue asterisk: not mine.

No asterisk: it probably sucks.


Catch the deluxe version of Other Crap in real time, with all the bells and whistles, here.










Sessomatto (1973), or Crazy Love, is a series of nine short sketches, all of them starring Giancarlo Giannini, and eight of the nine starring Laura Antonelli. They are:


Signora Sono Le Otto

A woman's butler is in love with her.


Due Cuori E Una Baracca

Two Hearts and a Shack

A couple with a bunch of kids live in a shack and fight a lot.


Non E' Mai Troppo Tardi

Never Too Late

A man with a beautiful wife prefers old women.


Viaggio di Nazzi


A man gets aroused on public transportation, but not in bed. His wife finally suggests the hotel elevator.


Torna Piccina Mia

My Piccina Returns

A man hires a hooker and dresses and coaches her to be like his dead wife.


Lavoratore Italiano All' Estero

Italian Worker in a Foreign Country

A man visits a fertility clinic to leave a sperm donation. He fantisizes about a nun/nurse to get excited.


La Vendetta

The Vendetta

A woman avenges her husband's death by fucking his enemy to death.


Un Amore Difficile

A Difficult Love

A man travels to see his long lost brother, and falls for a transvestite hooker.



The Host

A Wife flirts with her husbands dinner guest.


None of the segments were long enough to build any special interest or rapport with the characters, and I didn't find anything especially funny either. This was designed as a showcase for the stars, giving them each a chance to play many different characters. In that, it was successful, earning a low C-.

IMDb readers say 5.7.

First Name Carmen

Laura Antonelli briefly shows breasts in several of the segments. A few years later, this same film would have been PG-13 at worst, but would now be R again, of course.


Laura Antonelli








"The Hitchhiker"



The always delectable Sybil Danning in an episode of the old HBO series. A sexy scene with cleavage and boob exposure.



Diplomatic Immunity


Speaking of big boobs, from that VHS quality film clip of "Diplomatic Immunity" we have the lovely Fabiani Udenio as a tormented "Babe in Bondage.' Love those tits.








Notes and collages

Monster in the Closet

Part 2 of 2

Stella Stevens








Today's featured star seems to be Nicole Ari Parker. Film clips from three films:

Pamela Tiffin ventured far from her wholesome image in State Fair when she did "Il Vichingo venuto dal sud"

A few new collages from Johnny Moronic

Chloe Sevigny

in Sisters

Lou Doillon

 in Sisters

Olga Kurylenko

The Ring Finger



Julia Ann and Nikki Fritz in the immortal cinema classic, Veronica 2030. Sample to the right.










Abbie Cornish








This 2006 effort may be one of the strangest serial-killer movies I've ever seen. It's based on a best-selling novel by Patrick Suskind. Besides being different, it's also quite good.

Set in 18th century France, Jean Baptiste is born in the slums of a Paris fish market. He is literally thrown away by his mother right after birth, but is rescued and placed in an orphanage where he endures a miserable upbringing.

Strangely, Jean is blessed with an extraordinary sense of smell, and able to discern individual smells of almost anything. Becoming fascinated with the smells of women, he is drawn to the art of perfume making.

His perfumes are a big success, so he goes on a quest to create the perfect scent. Unfortunately, doing so involves a unique study of many females that leaves the subject quite dead.

This is a strange one, but it's an intriguing story with great performances, and I highly recommend it.

Scoop's note: I agree with Dann. I watched it but never wrote a review or did caps. It is a brilliant movie. Eccentric, too, but that doesn't really bother me. I never thought I could enjoy a movie about a serial murderer, but this movie is sheer genius, with more than a touch of poetry. And it's just a bonus that Alan Rickman and Dustin Hoffman are around to work some of their own magic. Director Tom Tykwer (Run, Lola, Run) is the German equivalent of Jean-Pierre Jeunet. He's a visionary and an artist, and every movie he makes is great in some way, perhaps many ways. I don't know how he could have brought a book like this to the screen, but he did a helluva job.

Jessica Schwartz Karoline Herfurth Sara Forestier others






The Comedy Wire

Comments in yellow...

Stephen Bruce, owner of the New York restaurant Serendipity 3, hopes to make the Guinness World Records book with the world's most expensive dessert.  His "Frrrozen Haute Chocolate" is a chocolate sundae made with 28 cocoas, including 14 of the world's rarest and most expensive, whipped cream, a La Madeline au Truffle ($2600 a pound), and a sprinkling of 23 karat gold dust.  It's served in a dish lined with edible gold, with a gold and diamond bracelet in the bottom, and a gold spoon you get to keep.  The price: $25,000.  Bruce said he's hoping it will attract a Middle Eastern prince wanting something sweet for his many wives. 

* That'll teach him to charge us $3 a gallon for gasoline! 

*  Or maybe 300 supermodels will split one. 

*  Or his dream of dreams: Rosie O'Donnell drops in! 

A judge ordered Britney Spears to pay Kevin Federline's legal bills in their divorce due to their "disparity in income," which is $737,000 a month for her and zero for him.

*  And coincidentally, $737,000 a month for his lawyers. 

"Mr. Bean" star Rowan Atkinson is leading a fight against a new anti-homophobic hate crimes bill making its way through Parliament, saying it would restrict speech so much that it could threaten comedians with up to seven years in prison for telling a gay joke.

* If you ban English comedians from acting gay, you'd put 90 percent of them in prison.

* He's lucky they don't send him to prison just for inventing Mr.


Violinist Patricia Arguelles is spending a week in a glass cube in central Madrid, Spain, to see if an artist can compose a good piece of music while living in a glass box and being watched constantly by the public.

* I've heard Britney's new album: the answer is no.