Wednesday

 

 

 

* Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe).

* White asterisk: expanded format.

* Blue asterisk: not mine.

No asterisk: it probably sucks.

OTHER CRAP:

Catch the deluxe version of Other Crap in real time, with all the bells and whistles, here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Satan's Schoolgirls

Satan's Schoolgirls (2004) is a direct to video soft-core from Plausible Denial Productions.

The story takes place at a home for wayward girls. It is summer, but four girls are kept over the summer at their parents' request. They are babysat by a nun, a priest, and a custodian. The institution was formerly a satanic cult headquarters. One of the girls is a cutter. That gives a good reason for sister Helen to spank her bare bottom with a ping pong paddle. Another is a nympho. Well, a modified nympho: she does the custodian, but keeps her clothes on. Another is a lesbian, and goes topless frequently. The last seems to be a good girl, but with psychic powers. The new priest also seems nice, and genuinely helpful.

This is awful. Terry West can write (Lord of the G-Strings), but I have no idea why he didn't this time.  It runs 61 minutes, but would be considerably shorter were it not for the same two establishing shots again and again, and repeated torture and mutilation images. Plausible Denial Productions also needs a director, a photographer, better set design, and someone with a steadier hand to hold their HD video camera. The photography was especially irritating in this one. There are shots where Brandy D'Vinn's elbow appears larger than her head. In others, she looks 4 months pregnant. This is just bad camera work. Hint. You got a woman naked. Good start. You have a camera. Also good. Now learn to use your camera. Not all angles are good angles.

On the plus side, the producers have women willing to get naked, and a graphic artist to design kick-ass DVD jackets. Not enough.

This is an F.

IMDb readers say 2.8, based on only 33 votes. Nearly half who have voted awarded a one, the lowest score under the IMDb system.

Scoop's note:

How good a job is "custodian at a school for wayward girls." The salary may not be great, but the perks are awesome.

I'm glad to see Satan getting into education. The Republicans have been looking for an alternative to the public school system, and this just could be it!

Brandy D'Vinn, as the lesbian, shows breasts.

 

 

Jane Scarlett, as the cutter, shows buns.

 

Kerri Taylor, as the normal girl, does full frontal and rear nudity.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

Silent Night, Deadly Night

Today the Time Machine stays in 1984 and Silent Night Deadly Night.  Linnea Quigley, one of the all-time great "scream queens" bares her boobs (what else is new) and meets a gruesome ending in this notorious flick. Darn, she was cute. And she is still going strong to this day. Take a look at her long list of credits at IMDb.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Adventures of Baron Munchausen

I saw this movie when it came out, guess I was one of the few since it flopped. I really like it back then and I still do. I was familiar with the character the infamous liar Baron Munchausen. In this story he arrives in Vienna, currently being besieged by a Turkish army, and, claiming that he is the cause of the Sultan's anger, declares that he will save the city. To do so, however, he must first find several of his former companions, each of whom has some extraordinary ability. One is very strong. Another has keen sight. The third has acute hearing and the ability to blow strong winds, and the last can run exceedingly fast. As he sets out on his quest, the Baron discovers a young girl hiding in the balloon in which he is escaping the city, and together they make their way to the moon, Vulcan's workshop under Mount Etna, and the belly of a giant fish. Uma appears in the Vulcan's story, she plays Venus and she looks great the little time she is on screen.

Scoop's notes:

I liked it too. Here is what I wrote:

"Terry Gilliam is what Jonathan Swift or Cervantes would have been if they had lived in a time when great artists created movies. His societies may be vile, perhaps as an extension of the real societies that we build, but his individuals can be noble, and willing to fight against monstrous odds, even at great personal peril. Gilliam inevitably sees the brighter angels of our nature. When I watch Gilliam's films, I always get a sense that we humans have failed, but that we should not have, that we should have been much more, and might yet be if we can suppress that portion of our DNA that still belongs to the territorial apes we once were.

Gilliam has made great films but Baron Munchausen, to be honest, is not such a great film. It is one of Gilliam's most tepid offerings, and one of his most confusing and silly. Yet it is still a good film because there is just so much to enjoy. There is Gilliam's astounding visual invention. There is Uma Thurman's beauty, Eric Idle's comic timing, Sara Polley's childish adorability, and a marvelously theatrical lead performance by John Neville. There is the celebration of our ability to dream, the condemnation of irrational authority and power wielded cynically, the recognition of the power inherent in forgiveness, and in hope. Most of all there is the ubiquitous notion that the individual is important, that he cannot normally win a victory over the ruthless, soulless power of entrenched demigods, but there is great nobility and value in the fact that he tries. And sometimes, no matter how quixotic his quest, he may even prevail."


Uma Thurman

 

 

 

 

 

 

Notes and collages

"Farscape" - Part 22

Season Four, Episode 2

Rebecca Riggs, s4, e2

 

Tammy MacIntosh, s4, e2

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Russian babes from the acclaimed Night Watch
Candela Pea in Princesas

If you enjoyed that Lucy Pinder magazine spread (see Other Crap for links), here is the "making of" footage.

 

 

 

 

 


The Comedy Wire

Comments in yellow...


CDs, DVDs and toys that promise to make babies smarter are a multi-billion-dollar industry, but the Washington, DC, think tank Education
Sector said most of them are based on misinterpretations of brain research and won't work. A spokeswoman said it's true that babies' brains change rapidly, but there is no evidence that brain development slams shut at age 3, that lack of sufficient stimulation harms babies, or that playing babies Beethoven or having them play with Einstein-inspired blocks makes them any smarter or more successful.

*  The paradox: if you're dumb enough to think these will make your
kid a genius, chances are that no kid with your DNA is going to be a genius. 


Lacey Hindman of Chicago has filed a groundbreaking lawsuit against
a man who danced badly with her at an office party.  She says he grabbed her and flipped her into the air, then failed to catch her and dropped her on her head, fracturing her skull.  She is seeking medical damages and lost wages on the novel legal grounds of "negligent dancing." 

*  If she wins, this could start a class action suit that will bankrupt every straight white man in the world. 



IBI, a niche fragrance company in Orange, California, has just released the world's first spiritual perfume.  It's inspired by the Bible and mixes scents of apricot, fig, pomegranate, aloe, iris, frankincense and myrrh.  The maker says it's designed to be a reminder of God, Christ, spiritual self and soul.  It comes in a 1.7 ounce bottle with 24-karat gold lettering, retails for $80, and supposedly "places the wearer in an ancient world of senses, enduring and timeless for over 3,000 years."  It's called "Virtue."

*  Cher's perfume is even more Biblical. Whenever you wear it, people shout, "Jesus!  What's that smell?!"



A restaurant in Beijing, China, paid $75,000 for a giant, golden tiger fish because it's a symbol of wealth and good fortune.

* If you can pay $75,000 for a fish, don't you already HAVE wealth and good fortune?