Red Heat (1985)
No, this isn't the mismatched buddy cop movie with Jim Belushi
and Ah-nuld, but an earlier drive-in flick about an American woman
stuck in a German prison. It's a 104 minute film, and about 103 of
those minutes are pure crap, but - ah!!! - the 104th one. That's the
obligatory shower scene, which features Linda Blair and Euro
softcore legend Sylvia Kristel. Kristel normally plays the
soft-spoken naif, but is cast here in the Sybil Danning role as the
bitchy leader of the lifers - to hilarious effect.
Here are the babes (zipped .wmv) -
weak quality clip, but this film
has long been out of print on VHS and has never been made available
on Region 1 DVD. I will get the Chained Heat/Red Heat DVD from
Region 2, and cross my fingers that the films are uncut.
I don't suppose I have to write much about this one. (I have in
the past, if you care to read it.) It's the story of Mozart's
at the court in Vienna, as told by his jealous rival and alleged
murderer, Salieri. It's rated among the top 100 films of all time
at IMDb, and I certainly agree with that verdict. For today's purposes, we are treated to the Elizabeth Berridge topless scene which was cut from the original theatrical
release, then restored for the director's cut. It features, of
course, one of the Funhouse heroes, the F-Man, ol' Salieri
Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format.
Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.
Summer Night (1986)
Summer Night, with Greek Profile, Almond Eyes and Scent of Basil (1986), or
Notte d'estate con profilo greco, occhi a mandorla e odore di basilico is
another Lina Wertmüller offering that covers pretty much the same
philosophical and political ground as Swept Away (Travolti da un insolito
destino nell'azzurro mare d'agosto). Mariangela Melato reprises her role as
the rich, opinionated northern Italian industrialist. In this case, she has
figured out how to make a fortune in ecology. Her opposite, a Sicilian
gangster, is played this time by Michele Placido.
The plot device is an ironic twist on some actual criminal behavior of the
time in Italy. Placido is an "old school" gangster who isn't interested in
drugs, and leads a gang who kidnaps for ransom. Melato hires an ex
CIA/FBI/Interpol agent (Roberto Herlitzka ), also a Sicilian, to kidnap
Placido and hold him for ransom. As they keep him captive awaiting word from
his gang, Herlitzka falls for Melato, but Melato in turn is sexually attracted
to Placido. At first they keep him in a dungeon, blindfolded and chained, and
try to starve him into submission. When he fades physically, but remains as
stubborn and confrontational as ever, she moves him to a lush solarium. It is
then that he demands sexual gratification. After all, he gratifies all of his
kidnap victims, and even state prisons have conjugal visits! Melato brings in
two hookers, but joins them in bed with the still-blindfolded Placido. He
chooses Melato, and she is very glad he did. In contrast to an earlier sex
scene with her refined boyfriend, she clearly enjoyed this encounter
immensely. I will leave the rest of the story for you to discover.
Lina Wertmüller seems to be expressing that both the rich and the poor are
products of their society, both have strengths and weaknesses, and both could
benefit from understanding the other. In doing so, she seems to make the poor
man the more sympathetic character. Fair enough. The tough question is whether
or not this is worth watching.
Summer Night has some inherent structural problems:
First of all, with the villain chained most of the film, it's necessarily
static, and the nudity doesn't start until the half-way point, making the
first half a little dry.
Second, the plot line doesn't allow for any real role exchange, with
Placido dominating throughout. He is adequate, but has nowhere near the
intensity of Giancarlo Giannini in Swept Away.
Third, as in Swept Away, Melato's character is a motor-mouthed bitch,
which is irritating. Herlitzka provides a little comic relief to mitigate
that but, unfortunately, there is no conversion or character development for
Melato this time as there was in Swept Away. She remains the motor-mouthed
bitch the entire film.
Overall, this seemed very much like an attempt by Wertmüller to recapture
the magic of Swept Away. Who can blame her? Watching the young gymnasts in the
Olympics, I often have wondered what it is like to peak at 14 years of age,
with the entire rest of your life being downhill from there. Having a huge
success like Swept Away early in her career must have made it difficult to
compete with herself. Yet, Summer Night is not a bad film. There are many
positives. The estate where this was filmed was beautiful, as were the
Mediterranean beach scenes. The DVD transfer is first rate. More important,
the plot did draw me in eventually, and I ended up enjoying it, so it is
possible you will as well - but if you are only going to see one of
these two Wertmüller films, go for Swept Away.
I will call this a C-. IMDB: 5.8
The Korean Movie "The Intimate"
"A police detective with a violent temper has two major
problems: His wife is cheating on him, and he has no leads in a series
of gory local slayings. The two troubles become one when, after a
particularly nasty confrontation, his wife leaves home and unknowingly
resides with the killers: a trio of sexy vampires posing as
written by the writer/director ---
Vampz started off with some promise. And when I say start, I
mean the very moment it came in the mail. From that point on, it was
all downhill. Imagine the concept. I did. two previous movies were
made with Vamp in the title, both with lots of nekkid babes - the
second way more than the first - so I am figuring there was some sort
of trend. The concept ... what might have made this a special little
movie ... is the urban slant to the story. I was figuring on beautiful
gals, most of them black, all of them nekkid. We get two outta
three. Beautiful gals, including former Hefmate Serria Tawan, who was
taking time away from her amateur video productions, and a real babe
by the name of Emayatzy Corinealdi. They and all the other gals are
both black and gorgenous. But not a one gets nekkid. Even though the
setting for the most of the movie is supposed to be a brothel and even
though no one in this cast was in any position to negotiate a
no-nudity clause, the gals stayed dressed. Even when they are
supposed to be humping they and the johns remain clothed. WTF? What
manner of strumpet remains ensheathed in garments whilst practicing
the adult arts? The closest anyone gets to major goodies is an
accidental nip-slip by Serria, a few views of her thong-clad killer
rumpus and some pokies by Emayatzy. That's it. A new low in vampire
hooker movies when only acres of flesh would have elevated this thing
above levels seen only in Presidential approval ratings.
What Vampz subsitutes for skin is blood and guts. As was the case in
previous Vamp movies, the gals are vampires. But not your tidy,
puncture the jugular and drink hearty kind. Nosiree, we have the kind
who rip open a guy and feast on his entrails. So we got gore. Lots of
gore. And we have some extraordinarily weak attempts at humor...the
kind your drunk redneck of a brother-in-law launches into after his
fifteenth beer. Stupid shit. So I'm saying the script sucked ass?
Yep. And the directing, Brain, how was it? Well, when it was evident
that anyone was directing this green sputum of a movie, the intention
seemed to be to destroy any sense of pacing or drama. Producer must
have been crazy to hire these guys, right? Well, even crazier than you
might think because the producer, the director and the writer were the
same guy. I have forgotten his name. Blessed gift, this senility.
Of all the messes this movie made on the carpet of my psyche, there is
one that still bemuses me. Not amuse...bemuse...as in befuddle or
confuse in a vexing manner. Very first scene has a nice-looking
vampire hunt, screw and eat this guy off the streets of LA. Fine. She
is a beautiful woman who starts off the whole she-bang by keeping on
her clothes. Long story but she is supposed to get burned by sunlight
because she stayed out too late...or early, depending on your point of
view. Okay. That's fine. Didn't know who she was ... but certainly not
Serria Tawan because I know her face and body pretty well. Very next
scene, however, has the queen vamp (played by Tawanna Browne)
discovering that the unter-vamp has been naughty by hunting alone and
got burned for her efforts. What's the problem? NOW the burned vampire
is played by Serria. Somewhere between scene 1 and scene 2, Serria
took over the part of the hungry/horny vampire. Again, WTF? That
original actress appears nowhere else in the movie. So, what happened
to her? And why not re-shoot the frist scene with Serria doing the
honors? By the looks of it, mighta taken ten minutes to shoot on the
initial attempt. And so it goes, less dramatically for the whole
movie. Guys thrown backward land face-first. All-powerful,
quick-as-lightening vampires forget how to run when faced with a
cross. Some German guy shows up and annoys the living crap out of
everyone. And the lead actor has the same look on his face when he is
screwed or discovers his wife getting screwed or gets behind the wheel
of his Honda Accord and pulls away from the curb. Bottom line is I am
bemused ... but very, very unamused that I wasted $12 and 90 minutes
on this meal fit only for a dung beetle.
Mock documentary about some
North American hoser contestants participating in a Japanese ultimate reality
Sarah Joslyn Crowder shows her natural bigguns
after getting her t-shirt ripped off (twice!),
Sofia de Medeiros shows arms over boobs also
after having her brassiere torn off,
various sexy Japanese contestants
and some deleted scenes with more lesbian action.
"On the Corner" (2003)
Drama about prostitutes. Alex Rice shows her
boobs in bathtub
while Katharine Isabelle as usual shows nothing.
"The Heist" (1996) aka Hostile Force
Dumb television action. Cynthia Geary shows
cleavage in brassiere,
Cali Timmins shows some slight pokies and leg,
and Sarah Brown shows some cleavage.
"The Fighting Men" (1977)
Early low-budget Canadian actioner. Sara Botsford
shows some leg in her very first role,
Deborah Templeton shows some cleavage as
another unknown shows some cleavage,
and an uncredited stripper flashes some butt.
"Camp Hollywood" (2004)
Documentary about some aspiring Canadian actors and actresses shacking up in
a Hollywood hotel waiting for their big break. Laura
Jordan shows her talents while dancing bra-less in t-shirt,
Godiva's season II: episode The Fifth Taste
Carmen Moore strips down to her brassiere
while Kirsten Robek has some fully clothed sex.
"Jeff Ltd.": episode From Zero to Hero
Dina Pino is sexy
while an uncredited belly dancer shows a lot of cleavage.
"Dead Man's Gun" season II: episode The Regulator
Heather Hanson shows some partial nudity in her second appearance.
"Trailer Park Boys" season VI: episode The Cheeseburger Picnic
Lucy Decoutere is sexy
while Sarah Dunsworth is sporting some serious
"Avalanche Alley" (2001)
Kirsten Robek shows some PG-rated breast
Pat's comments in yellow...
Zoologist Louis Guillette of the University of Florida announced that his
studies of pesticides show a link to lowered fertility, sex changes and penis
shrinkage. His decade-long study found that both alligators and baby boys
born near contaminated Florida lakes had smaller penises than those born near
clean lakes. He said that pesticides are necessary in some places, but he
wouldn't apply them to his own lawn just to keep dandelions from coming up.
* You can tell men with big penises: they get rid of
dandelions with a
Forget about Cher's seemingly endless "farewell" tour: she's signed a deal to
replace Celine Dion and perform every night in Las Vegas starting in
* Her show will be called "Legends In Wax"