Red Heat (1985)

No, this isn't the mismatched buddy cop movie with Jim Belushi and Ah-nuld, but an earlier drive-in flick about an American woman stuck in a German prison. It's a 104 minute film, and about 103 of those minutes are pure crap, but - ah!!! - the 104th one. That's the obligatory shower scene, which features Linda Blair and Euro softcore legend Sylvia Kristel. Kristel normally plays the soft-spoken naif, but is cast here in the Sybil Danning role as the bitchy leader of the lifers - to hilarious effect.

Here are the babes (zipped .wmv) - weak quality clip, but this film has long been out of print on VHS and has never been made available on Region 1 DVD. I will get the Chained Heat/Red Heat DVD from Region 2, and cross my fingers that the films are uncut.


Amadeus (1984)

I don't suppose I have to write much about this one. (I have in the past, if you care to read it.) It's the story of Mozart's life at the court in Vienna, as told by his jealous rival and alleged murderer, Salieri. It's rated among the top 100 films of all time at IMDb, and I certainly agree with that verdict. For today's purposes, we are treated to the Elizabeth Berridge topless scene which was cut from the original theatrical release, then restored for the director's cut. It features, of course, one of the Funhouse heroes, the F-Man, ol' Salieri himself.(Zipped .wmv)


Other Crap:

Cindy Margolis Caught Nude and three years older than reported!

Funny clip: Family Guy - Chris Goes To a Young Republicans Meeting

Oh .... noo-o-o-o-o-o-o- ... Affleck as young Capt. Kirk?

A Harvard University student's "cliterature" novel has been permanently withdrawn and her two-book deal canceled

A re-imagined trailer for the saddest movie of our age - RV

The trailer for Superman Returns

Two more fringe characters from 'The Sopranos' have been charged in separate criminal cases.

Colbert Report: "If we listen to George Clooney, we'll just embolden the celebritocracy."

Colbert reports on Spam

Colbert Report: White House Correspondents Dinner

"Stephen Colbert takes a class in broadcast journalism in this klassic klip."

Matthew Continetti talks to Jon Stewart about the Republican Revolution in his book 'The K Street Gang.'

This Week in God: Da Vinci Code

"A Norwegian court ordered two men to pay $122 million in damages on Tuesday after convicting them for the 2004 theft of Edvard Munch's masterpieces 'The Scream' and 'Madonna' and jailing them for seven and eight years"

  • $122 million? No problem. Will you take a personal check?

White House Correspondents' Dinner: Blast from the Past

Vintage performance: Bay City Rollers - I Only Want to Be With You - 1976

Vintage performance: The Doors: Riders on the Storm

The trailer for Pirates of the Caribbean 2

Bobby Knight used to host a golf show and, guess what, he had a short temper.

The Daily Show Headlines: The White House Correspondents Dinner and the Day Without Immigrants

Same Young Author Faces 2nd Plagiarism Claim

  • I guess they should have been suspicious when the first sentence was "Call me Ishmael."

BUSH'S LOOK-ALIKE TROUNCES BUSH IN NEW POLL ... Majority of Americans Prefer Comic Imposter to Actual President

Neo-con Bill Kristol and Stephen Colbert hash through the current state of affairs.

Breaking BadJocks News: We Have One of the Pamela Rogers Cell Phone Videos That Got Her Re-Arrested


Movie Reviews:

Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format. Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.


Summer Night (1986)

Summer Night, with Greek Profile, Almond Eyes and Scent of Basil (1986), or Notte d'estate con profilo greco, occhi a mandorla e odore di basilico is another Lina Wertmüller offering that covers pretty much the same philosophical and political ground as Swept Away (Travolti da un insolito destino nell'azzurro mare d'agosto). Mariangela Melato reprises her role as the rich, opinionated northern Italian industrialist. In this case, she has figured out how to make a fortune in ecology. Her opposite, a Sicilian gangster, is played this time by Michele Placido.

The plot device is an ironic twist on some actual criminal behavior of the time in Italy. Placido is an "old school" gangster who isn't interested in drugs, and leads a gang who kidnaps for ransom. Melato hires an ex CIA/FBI/Interpol agent (Roberto Herlitzka ), also a Sicilian, to kidnap Placido and hold him for ransom. As they keep him captive awaiting word from his gang, Herlitzka falls for Melato, but Melato in turn is sexually attracted to Placido. At first they keep him in a dungeon, blindfolded and chained, and try to starve him into submission. When he fades physically, but remains as stubborn and confrontational as ever, she moves him to a lush solarium. It is then that he demands sexual gratification. After all, he gratifies all of his kidnap victims, and even state prisons have conjugal visits! Melato brings in two hookers, but joins them in bed with the still-blindfolded Placido. He chooses Melato, and she is very glad he did. In contrast to an earlier sex scene with her refined boyfriend, she clearly enjoyed this encounter immensely. I will leave the rest of the story for you to discover.

Lina Wertmüller seems to be expressing that both the rich and the poor are products of their society, both have strengths and weaknesses, and both could benefit from understanding the other. In doing so, she seems to make the poor man the more sympathetic character. Fair enough. The tough question is whether or not this is worth watching. 

Summer Night has some inherent structural problems:

First of all, with the villain chained most of the film, it's necessarily static, and the nudity doesn't start until the half-way point, making the first half a little dry.

Second, the plot line doesn't allow for any real role exchange, with Placido dominating throughout. He is adequate, but has nowhere near the intensity of Giancarlo Giannini in Swept Away.

Third, as in Swept Away, Melato's character is a motor-mouthed bitch, which is irritating. Herlitzka provides a little comic relief to mitigate that but, unfortunately, there is no conversion or character development for Melato this time as there was in Swept Away. She remains the motor-mouthed bitch the entire film.

Overall, this seemed very much like an attempt by Wertmüller to recapture the magic of Swept Away. Who can blame her? Watching the young gymnasts in the Olympics, I often have wondered what it is like to peak at 14 years of age, with the entire rest of your life being downhill from there. Having a huge success like Swept Away early in her career must have made it difficult to compete with herself. Yet, Summer Night is not a bad film. There are many positives. The estate where this was filmed was beautiful, as were the Mediterranean beach scenes. The DVD transfer is first rate. More important, the plot did draw me in eventually, and I ended up enjoying it, so it is possible you will as well -  but if you are only going to see one of these two Wertmüller films,  go for Swept Away.

I will call this a C-. IMDB: 5.8

Even though Mariangela Melato was 12 years older in this film than in Swept Away, she didn't shy away from nudity. She revels breasts in two sex scenes and a swimming scene, and buns in one of the sex scenes and the swimming scene.








Shopgirl (2005)

Claire Danes

Brigitte Wilson


The Korean Movie "The Intimate"

Sung Hyun-Ah




The Hankster Hillbilly tour rolls merrily on as we look at "Country Hooker," another seventies  sexploitation extravaganza.

Our featured actress is Maria Aronoff, no stranger to the skin flick scene. Maria shows all , and turns on the "Gyno-cam" for our viewing pleasure. And for those so inclined, you can play the "spot the tool" game.

We leave you with a preview of what is yet to come with a quick look at the legendary Renee Bond.






Vampz (2004) 

"A police detective with a violent temper has two major problems: His wife is cheating on him, and he has no leads in a series of gory local slayings. The two troubles become one when, after a particularly nasty confrontation, his wife leaves home and unknowingly resides with the killers: a trio of sexy vampires posing as masseuses."

--- summary written by the writer/director ---

Vampz started off with some promise. And when I say start, I mean the very moment it came in the mail. From that point on, it was all downhill. Imagine the concept. I did. two previous movies were made with Vamp in the title, both with lots of nekkid babes - the second way more than the first - so I am figuring there was some sort of trend. The concept ... what might have made this a special little movie ... is the urban slant to the story. I was figuring on beautiful gals, most of them black, all of them nekkid. We get two outta three. Beautiful gals, including former Hefmate Serria Tawan, who was taking time away from her amateur video productions, and a real babe by the name of Emayatzy Corinealdi. They and all the other gals are both black and gorgenous. But not a one gets nekkid. Even though the setting for the most of the movie is supposed to be a brothel and even though no one in this cast was in any position to negotiate a no-nudity clause, the gals stayed dressed.  Even when they are supposed to be humping they and the johns remain clothed. WTF? What manner of strumpet remains ensheathed in garments whilst practicing the adult arts? The closest anyone gets to major goodies is an accidental nip-slip by Serria, a few views of her thong-clad killer rumpus and some pokies by Emayatzy. That's it. A new low in vampire hooker movies when only acres of flesh would have elevated this thing above levels seen only in Presidential approval ratings. 

What Vampz subsitutes for skin is blood and guts. As was the case in previous Vamp movies, the gals are vampires. But not your tidy, puncture the jugular and drink hearty kind. Nosiree, we have the kind who rip open a guy and feast on his entrails. So we got gore.  Lots of gore. And we have some extraordinarily weak attempts at humor...the kind your drunk redneck of a brother-in-law launches into after his fifteenth beer. Stupid shit. So I'm saying the script sucked ass? Yep. And the directing, Brain, how was it? Well, when it was evident that anyone was directing this green sputum of a movie, the intention seemed to be to destroy any sense of pacing or drama. Producer must have been crazy to hire these guys, right? Well, even crazier than you might think because the producer, the director and the writer were the same guy. I have forgotten his name. Blessed gift, this senility.

Of all the messes this movie made on the carpet of my psyche, there is one that still bemuses me. Not in befuddle or confuse in a vexing manner. Very first scene has a nice-looking vampire hunt, screw and eat this guy off the streets of LA. Fine. She is a beautiful woman who starts off the whole she-bang by keeping on her clothes. Long story but she is supposed to get burned by sunlight because she stayed out too late...or early, depending on your point of view. Okay. That's fine. Didn't know who she was ... but certainly not Serria Tawan because I know her face and body pretty well. Very next scene, however, has the queen vamp (played by Tawanna Browne) discovering that the unter-vamp has been naughty by hunting alone and got burned for her efforts. What's the problem? NOW the burned vampire is played by Serria. Somewhere between scene 1 and scene 2, Serria took over the part of the hungry/horny vampire. Again, WTF?  That original actress appears nowhere else in the movie. So, what happened to her? And why not re-shoot the frist scene with Serria doing the honors? By the looks of it, mighta taken ten minutes to shoot on the initial attempt. And so it goes, less dramatically for the whole movie. Guys thrown backward land face-first. All-powerful, quick-as-lightening vampires forget how to run when faced with a cross. Some German guy shows up and annoys the living crap out of everyone. And the lead actor has the same look on his face when he is getting screwed or discovers his wife getting screwed or gets behind the wheel of his Honda Accord and pulls away from the curb. Bottom line is I am bemused ... but very, very unamused that I wasted $12 and 90 minutes on this meal fit only for a dung beetle. 


Emayatzy Corienadli


Serria Tawan


Tawanna Browne








 "Slashers" (2001)

Mock documentary about some North American hoser contestants participating in a Japanese ultimate reality game show.

Sarah Joslyn Crowder shows her natural bigguns after getting her t-shirt ripped off (twice!),

Sofia de Medeiros shows arms over boobs also after having her brassiere torn off,

various sexy Japanese contestants

and some deleted scenes with more lesbian action.

"On the Corner" (2003)

Drama about prostitutes. Alex Rice shows her boobs in bathtub

while Katharine Isabelle as usual shows nothing.

"The Heist" (1996) aka Hostile Force

Dumb television action. Cynthia Geary shows cleavage in brassiere,

Cali Timmins shows some slight pokies and leg,

and Sarah Brown shows some cleavage.

"The Fighting Men" (1977)

Early low-budget Canadian actioner. Sara Botsford shows some leg in her very first role,

Deborah Templeton shows some cleavage as waitress,

another unknown shows some cleavage,

and an uncredited stripper flashes some butt.


"Camp Hollywood" (2004)

Documentary about some aspiring Canadian actors and actresses shacking up in a Hollywood hotel waiting for their big break. Laura Jordan shows her talents while dancing bra-less in t-shirt,

Godiva's season II: episode The Fifth Taste

Carmen Moore strips down to her brassiere

while Kirsten Robek has some fully clothed sex.


"Jeff Ltd.": episode From Zero to Hero

Dina Pino is sexy

while an uncredited belly dancer shows a lot of cleavage.


"Dead Man's Gun" season II: episode The Regulator

Heather Hanson shows some partial nudity in her second appearance.


"Trailer Park Boys" season VI: episode The Cheeseburger Picnic

Lucy Decoutere is sexy

while Sarah Dunsworth is sporting some serious pokies.


"Avalanche Alley" (2001)

Kirsten Robek shows some PG-rated breast exposure.






Barbara Bouchet -  Alla ricerce del piacere

Barbara Bouchet - Per le antiche scale

Barbara Bouchet - Black Belly of the Tarantula

Anna Levine Thompson in Handgun

Jennifer O'Dell - Nip/Tuck





Pat's comments in yellow...

Zoologist Louis Guillette of the University of Florida announced that his studies of pesticides show a link to lowered fertility, sex changes and penis shrinkage.  His decade-long study found that both alligators and baby boys born near contaminated Florida lakes had smaller penises than those born near clean lakes.  He said that pesticides are necessary in some places, but he wouldn't apply them to his own lawn just to keep dandelions from coming up.

*  You can tell men with big penises: they get rid of dandelions with a

Forget about Cher's seemingly endless "farewell" tour: she's signed a deal to replace Celine Dion and perform every night in Las Vegas starting in

* Her show will be called "Legends In Wax"