Gang, here's an update on Tuna's condition. If you'd like to get in touch with him, his email address is firstname.lastname@example.org
It was the extreme shortness of breath that got my attention. I was admitted to the hospital in atrial fibrillation with a heart rate of 180. They rather quickly drained 1.4 liters of bloody fluid from my right lung. They have subjected me to dozens of tests, and ruled out many possible causes of this, but they still don't know what went wrong. I am still in atrial fibrillation, but with a heart rate under control using 3 drugs. I am home waiting for some of my medication to reach the proper level in my system, then I may have another hospital stay to try and convert my heart to normal rhythm.
I am able to spend some time at the computer, and am again reading my Email.
|Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
9 Songs (2004)
I have talked about this before. It has been called "the most
sexually explicit film in the history of British cinema" and "a
stultifying, self-conscious, and flesh-creepingly repulsive lot of
I suppose both are right.
Except for a framing device which allows the director to tell the
story in flashback, the film is nothing two people enjoying sex,
drugs, and rock and roll. I suppose I would have thought it was
kinda cool in 1968, so if you've never seen a naked woman doing
sexual things, you might enjoy it, secure in the knowledge that when
you do get laid, the woman will have to be more attractive than this
chick. Come to think of it, she would fit right in in 1968. She's
pretty much just as ugly as that girl in I Am Curious (Yellow).
And her acting ... well, let's just say that if a great cataclysm
destroyed every actress in the world except Margo Stilley and Pam
Anderson, Pammy would be our Lady Macbeth.
- Thumbnails (1,
- Margo Stilley (1,
7 Seconds (2005)
I guess I should know the answer to
this question but is Wesley Snipes the only guy who freely moves
back and forth between theatrical releases and straight-to-video
projects? Normally one is relegated either to the Steven Seagal job
or the Keanu Reeves job, but Snipes seems to be both the black Keanu
and the black Seagal, which is pretty amazing if you think about it.
is yet another of those made-in-Eastern-Europe second tier action
movies which seems vaguely reminiscent of every other action film
you've ever seen, but is still competent enough and interesting
enough to hold your attention. Snipes plays a master thief. Well, as
usual there is more to it. A hero/thief can never just be a thief,
can he? He's always forced to be a thief because of something noble
he did in the past that was misinterpreted by others, or some
similar crapola rationalization. In this case, our crooked hero was
a special forces guy who fell on his sword to protect a comrade as a
matter of honor. As a result of his selfless action, he did time in
Leavenworth, and when he got out, he found that thievin' was about
the only lucrative profession open to him. He has arranged a sweet
armored car heist in Romania. It's a little confusing at first, but
quite clever. We see his failed robbery of three armored trucks
doing casino pick-ups in Bucharest, Romania. It turns out that the
failed robberies were just a decoy to get all of the trucks into a
red alert situation which would allow Snipes to get all the money
from every casino. In the process of pulling off the heist, Snipes
also picks up a suitcase which has been guarded by two armed men who
are handcuffed to the case. Snipes doesn't know what's in it, but he
knows it must be worth stealing. After his gang manages to pull off
the entire deal without a hitch, and it driving safely home, they
are beset by another larger gang of brigands who kill almost all of
Snipes's men and get all the money. Somehow, however, Snipes manages
to run off with the suitcase.
rest of the film involves the usual game of cat-and-mouse. Snipes
knows that a member of his own gang has betrayed him, so he starts
to track down the ones still alive. He also needs to figure out what
is so special about the contents of that suitcase. The second gang,
meanwhile, doesn't even care about the twenty million dollars in
casino money. They just really want that suitcase! They are
therefore combing Bucharest for Snipes. The police, on the other
hand, aren't really aware of the second gang at all, and think ol'
Wesley is responsible for killing his own men plus some Romanian
cops. Snipes is thus trapped in a predicament where everyone, good
and bad, wants to capture him, and he can't even trust any of his
friends because he knows that one of them betrayed him.
The set-up phase of
the film is actually better than the resolution.
Everything ultimately leads to a predictable denouement after the usual urban
chase scenes, explosions, gunfights, and car crashes. In fact, the
predictability in the film's last act is the only thing really weak
about this movie. The first half of 7 Seconds is reasonably interesting,
if a bit confusing, when the crosses and double-crosses engage one's mind, but after the
curtains have been drawn back and all the secrets revealed, the film
goes on for another 30-40 anticlimactic minutes with nothing left in the tank
except gunfights and explosions. Despite a weaker second half, it is
still one of the better straight-to-video action films. What it
lacks in originality, it makes up in competence. The acting is
satisfactory, the character development is adequate for an action
film, the banter is sometimes amusing, the production values are fine, the cinematography and editing
are solid, and the DVD transfer looks rich and professional.
Moreover, Snipes is just plain more likeable and entertaining and
human than the other guys who make straight-to-vids. 7 Seconds is
definitely a cut above the recent straight-to-video efforts of
Seagal and Stallone, and I even made it all the way through without
using the fast forward button (although I sort of regretted that
because the last thirty minutes were completely formulaic).
- Georgina Rylance (1,
Pranking on a McDonald's Sign
Spanish law to rule out sexism. Yup. Check this page in
about a year, and I'll be reporting that sexism in Spain is a
thing of the past.
Jon Stewart explains the difference between the Billy Graham
Crusade and the Gay Pride Parade.
- The trailer from the one sequel everyone has been
anticipating. Is Kyser Sose back in The Usual Suspects Two? Nah,
that's small potatoes. I'm talkin'
Big Momma's House 2.
Eleven clips from Fantastic Four
The Blue Booklet (notorious guideline to prostitutes)
R&B Crooner Luther Vandross Dies at 54
Uncle Scoopy's Guest House presents Nicole Eggert in Secret Sins
All About Torgo
Jack Nicklaus will be featured on a 5-pound note to be issued by
the Royal Bank of Scotland.
- He replaces the current face, that of Groundskeeper Willie.
- No real, living person, other than a member of the British
Royal Family, has ever appeared on a Scottish or English
- I like Jack a lot, but this seems crazy, especially given
that he has a sponsorship agreement with RBS. Let's see - he
puts their name on his golf bag, and they put his name on their
banknotes. Sounds fair. I think I need to cut a deal between
Other Crap and the U.S. Mint. I think I'd look great as a
replacement for Susan B. Anthony. Ah, the Uncle Scoopy Dollar.
I'll bet people would pay as much as 60-70 cents for one of
Supreme Court Justice O'Connor Resigns. This could
trigger quite a wild battle over the nomination of a replacement.
Tony Blair may remove his testicles from blind trust and snub the
U.S. on global warming. The other six members of the
G-8 have agreed on a position, leaving only President Bush and
Blair on the outside. Blair sincerely believes that global warming
is mankind's' greatest threat and requires a concerted effort from
the developed nations, while President Bush prefers to deal with
the problem through faith-based cooling.
Weekly World News: "HOW TO GET WOMEN TO PAY ON DATES!"
- "Build a better mousetrap ... " department.
"the best FAKE DOG POOP ever!"
New state laws in Michigan and Utah make everything illegal.
- Well, now that I think about it, just about everything done
in Detroit is illegal.
- "These laws regulate much more than just adult entertainment
content. They actually make it a crime for our newsletter to
link to any site containing ads for alcohol, tobacco,
credit-card and financial accounts, mortgages, car rentals,
gambling, and the myriad other things that minors aren't
supposed to have."
- You know the saddest thing about these laws? I'll give you
five-to-one odds that the people who are in charge of enforcing
them think that the virus-laden mail they get from something.com
actually comes from something.com!! They will tie up thousand of
hours of law enforcement time only to find that the mail was
sent from some island in the South Pacific and shunted through
some anonymous remailer in Finland, and that something.com was
just a dummy address plucked off by e-mail harvesting software.
Today's front pages from around the world. This would
be a very useful bookmark, but the site is so slow that by the
time the flash loads they are yesterday's front pages.
"fags can starve your hair of oxygen and make it dull, lifeless
and brittle." Then how do you explain Hollywood
The Axe-Woodsman Bacon-Grease Bear-Paw Cookbook
How to cook a whale found dead.
"Watch Deep Impact's Comet Collision Via Webcast"
Letterman's Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear At A July Fourth
- "Beef is great, but squirrel's so much cheaper"
- "I'd like to tell you why scientology is so important to me"
Free legal download of "ass to mouth" from Pizazz!
AUSTRALIA: VICTIMS OF VICTORIA'S RELIGIOUS TOLERANCE LAW.
It's another one of those laws that allows the government, rather
than the individual, to determine the boundaries of public
discourse. Incomprehensible to Americans, who take the treasured
First Amendment for granted, is a Germany which considers it great
progress that they went from forbidding anti-Nazi speech to
forbidding pro-Nazi speech. Let's face it, either way one is
allowed to say only what the government says is all right. That
thinking always comes around to haunt you when it's time for the
next group to take power, and that time will come.
- Managing your investments to provide a hedgehog against
inflation just got harder, because
hedgehogs do not like tidy gardens "Dinnsdale!"
- No! Say it ain't so, Joe!
Schoolgirls forced to wear pants.
THE ABORTION SONG HEARD MANY TIMES THIS WEEK ON THE HOWARD STERN
The trailer from The Aristocrats
- "Comedy veterans and co-creators Penn Jillette and Paul
Provenza capitalize on their insider status and invite over 100
of their closest friends, (who happen to be some of the biggest
names in entertainment, from George Carlin, Whoopi Goldberg,
Drew Carey to Gilbert Gottfried, Bob Saget, Paul Reiser and
Sarah Silverman, just to name a few) to reminisce, analyze,
deconstruct and deliver their own versions of the world's
dirtiest joke, an old burlesque routine, too extreme to be
performed in public, called 'The Aristocrats'."
Fish whopper: 646 pounds - a freshwater record (with extraordinary
- Incredible video.
457 foot ferry crashes into a small marina In West Vancouver.
Astoundingly, nobody was hurt.
- Batman and Obi-Wan couldn't save the day, but at last there is
hope for the film industry.
Barry Manilow is planning a movie version of his musical
Brooke Shields and Tom Cruise continue the war of the words.
Alleged Net pirates raided across the globe: "The
government announced an 11-nation crackdown Thursday on Internet
piracy organizations responsible for stealing copies of the latest
Star Wars film and other movies, games and software programs worth
at least $50 million."
Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the
since it's sorta in real time.
to submit a URL for Other Crap
are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the
review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that
there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written
by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too
ashamed to admit it.
'Caps and comments by Brainscan:
Today we feature "Babes in Bondage".
We took the old Time Machine all the way back to 1965 for a B & W grindhouse feature called "Tortured Females". Now don't get excited it's not at all explicit, remember it was 1965!
So what we have are Denise Dubois and a bevy of unknowns at the hands of a couple of weirdo's in an old shack in the woods. They are a little tied up and there is some whipping. Plus of course some boobs & butt along the way.
The last two caps are just Denise frolicking around in the great outdoors
with some nice exposure.
- Denise Dubois
First up, the ladies of the direct-to-vid flick, "Malibu Spring Break" (2003).
"Days of Our Lives" and "Cheerleader Massacre" co-star Charity Rahmer looks pretty good topless...Kristin Novak doesn't look too bad either.
|Showing partial bum in #1 and full on bare-chestedness in #2. Scenes from the Spanish movie "La Mujer más fea del mundo" aka "The Ugliest Woman in the World (1999).
||"The Mummy" star showing a little cleavage (and possibly a partial see-thru nipple sighting) in scenes from the Keanu movie, "Constantine" (2005),
|Vanessa L. Williams
||The actress/singer/former Miss America (you remember, the one who was forced to give back the crown when those girl-girl nude pics turned up). Here she is looking yummy while posing for "Holding Your Own Boobs" magazine. Unfortunately, these 'caps from the made for TV mini-series "The Odyssey" also feature a mostly nude (and very furry) Armand Assante.
'Caps and comments by Dann:
Stiff as a board and green as grass in his second film, Chuck Norris delivers just what you expect in 1982's Forced Vengeance. The story is predictable and formulaic, the action is fun to watch but hokey, and there's plenty of draggy spots in between. Still, that's exactly what Norris fans expect.
The plot involves a casino security guard who fights the mob in Hong Kong. When the casino owner, his dearest friend, is murdered, he sets out on a quest for....what else, vengeance. Then, they kill his girlfriend, and really piss him off. Basically, that's it.
For Chuck Norris/action fans, this will provide a pleasant no-brainer ninety minutes, and that's about all.
|The "Legally Blonde" looking ever-so-cute in her one and only topless scene. Thanks to Mr. Nude Celeb for these 'caps from "Twilight".
||Kitt takes his turn 'capping the former "Baywatch" babe showing off her robo-hooters for the first and only time. Scenes from the "lost" Eggert movie "Secret Sins" aka "Melissa". Scoop covered this in detail yesterday, including all the mystery surrounding it's status as MIA for 10 years.
|Señor Skin 'caps of the 60's and 70's blonde bimbette turned part time adult actress. Here she is baring breasts and bum (plus a very brief hint of pubes in #12) in scenes from "G.I. Executioner" (1975). Classic Trek fans of course know her best as the warrior babe that Kirk seduces in the episode "The Gamesters of Triskelion".
|Pat Reeder www.comedy-wire.com
Pat's comments in yellow...
PENIS CONTROL CENTER LOCATED
Microscopic, In Fact - New Scientist magazine reports that Christian Kell
of Germany's University of Frankfurt has finally located the part of the
male brain that controls the penis. Since the 1920s, scientists have
argued about where the genitals fall on the "homonculus," the brain map of
body parts. Kell located it by stroking parts of volunteer's bodies with a
brush while monitoring their brains with an MRI scan. Kell said the only
depressing thing is that the area is "very small."
Which explains why the brain exerts no control over the penis.
Is he sure it isn't the penis that controls the brain?
It might've shown up larger if they'd gotten Carmen Electra to do the
I always assumed the penis control center was located in the female
PARIS HILTON WANTS ROYAL WEDDING
She Does Appear Dangerously Inbred - Contactmusic.com reports that Paris
Hilton wants a royal wedding. She said she's always wanted to be a
princess on her wedding day, so she wants to do at St. Paul's Cathedral or
Westminster Abbey at Christmas, arrive in a horse-drawn carriage, and have
a month of parties. She said, "Prince Charles got married there, so it's
good enough for me," and she's written to Charles to ask for special
dispensation, since only royals can be married there. But she said, "I'm
the closest thing to American royalty anyway."
And that's why we fought a war not to have royalty...It's also why the
French invented the guillotine.
She's a bubblehead who was born rich, is famous for no reason and has
sex in public...Yep, she's our royalty, all right!
It almost makes you appreciate the regal dignity of the Kennedys,
She's so royal, she plans to have ALL her weddings at Westminster Abbey.
FANS PETITION LINDSAY TO EAT A SANDWICH
Just A Bout Of The Love Bug - It was reported that newly-waiflike Lindsay
Lohan fainted while exercising this week. Her fans are so worried, some
have launched a website called www.feedlindsay.com. Over 3,000 visitors
have signed a petition reading, "We urge you, Lindsay, to please pick up a
sandwich and eat it, or ice cream, or any food that might put those
oh-so-cute pounds back on."
It made her want to throw up.
At least eat something tiny, with no fat! Like one of the Olsen twins!
She hasn't seen the site yet...She's gone in for a stomach-stapling.
She claims she just felt lightheaded from all the hair bleach, which is
known as Paris Hilton Syndrome.
"FANTASTIC FOUR" TOO FANTASTIC
Digital Effects Turned It Into A Digit - Welsh actor Ioan Gruffudd, who
plays the elastic-like Mr. Fantastic in the new "Fantastic Four" movie,
says his manhood was so prominent in those lycra tights, the studio feared
it would alarm kids. He said he started out wearing a codpiece, then the
memos kept coming from the studio, and they used effects to "make it
smaller and smaller" until he looked like a non-anatomically correct action
Well, that's HIS explanation, anyway.
Now, it's hard to justify the name "Mr. Fantastic."
So his penis was just TOO big? Sounds like he might be stretching
things a bit.
SHARAPOVA IS TOP FEMALE ATHLETE...SAY HORNY GUYS
Schwing! - Thursday at Wimbledon, Venus Williams upset reigning champion
Maria Sharapova, but Maria can take heart knowing that readers of the men's
magazine Zoo voted her the favorite female tennis player of the past 20
years by a whopping 46 percent. Anna Kournikova was second with 19
percent. The editor said Anna had supermodel looks but no game, while
Maria has the whole package and could become the richest female athlete in
Her bikini calendar will outsell both Anna's and Billie Jean King's
Maria will be richer than Anna because she's actually won money playing
Maria could make a CD of her grunting and sell 10 million copies to men.
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