Gang, here's an update on Tuna's condition. If you'd like to get in touch with him, his email address is

My Condition...

It was the extreme shortness of breath that got my attention. I was admitted to the hospital in atrial fibrillation with a heart rate of 180. They rather quickly drained 1.4 liters of bloody fluid from my right lung. They have subjected me to dozens of tests, and ruled out many possible causes of this, but they still don't know what went wrong. I am still in atrial fibrillation, but with a heart rate under control using 3 drugs. I am home waiting for some of my medication to reach the proper level in my system, then I may have another hospital stay to try and convert my heart to normal rhythm.

I am able to spend some time at the computer, and am again reading my Email.


Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

9 Songs (2004)

I have talked about this before. It has been called "the most sexually explicit film in the history of British cinema" and "a stultifying, self-conscious, and flesh-creepingly repulsive lot of codswallop."

I suppose both are right.

Except for a framing device which allows the director to tell the story in flashback, the film is nothing two people enjoying sex, drugs, and rock and roll. I suppose I would have thought it was kinda cool in 1968, so if you've never seen a naked woman doing sexual things, you might enjoy it, secure in the knowledge that when you do get laid, the woman will have to be more attractive than this chick. Come to think of it, she would fit right in in 1968. She's pretty much just as ugly as that girl in I Am Curious (Yellow).

And her acting ... well, let's just say that if a great cataclysm destroyed every actress in the world except Margo Stilley and Pam Anderson, Pammy would be our Lady Macbeth.


7 Seconds (2005)

I guess I should know the answer to this question but is Wesley Snipes the only guy who freely moves back and forth between theatrical releases and straight-to-video projects? Normally one is relegated either to the Steven Seagal job or the Keanu Reeves job, but Snipes seems to be both the black Keanu and the black Seagal, which is pretty amazing if you think about it.

This is yet another of those made-in-Eastern-Europe second tier action movies which seems vaguely reminiscent of every other action film you've ever seen, but is still competent enough and interesting enough to hold your attention. Snipes plays a master thief. Well, as usual there is more to it. A hero/thief can never just be a thief, can he? He's always forced to be a thief because of something noble he did in the past that was misinterpreted by others, or some similar crapola rationalization. In this case, our crooked hero was a special forces guy who fell on his sword to protect a comrade as a matter of honor. As a result of his selfless action, he did time in Leavenworth, and when he got out, he found that thievin' was about the only lucrative profession open to him. He has arranged a sweet armored car heist in Romania. It's a little confusing at first, but quite clever. We see his failed robbery of three armored trucks doing casino pick-ups in Bucharest, Romania. It turns out that the failed robberies were just a decoy to get all of the trucks into a red alert situation which would allow Snipes to get all the money from every casino. In the process of pulling off the heist, Snipes also picks up a suitcase which has been guarded by two armed men who are handcuffed to the case. Snipes doesn't know what's in it, but he knows it must be worth stealing. After his gang manages to pull off the entire deal without a hitch, and it driving safely home, they are beset by another larger gang of brigands who kill almost all of Snipes's men and get all the money. Somehow, however, Snipes manages to run off with the suitcase.

The rest of the film involves the usual game of cat-and-mouse. Snipes knows that a member of his own gang has betrayed him, so he starts to track down the ones still alive. He also needs to figure out what is so special about the contents of that suitcase. The second gang, meanwhile, doesn't even care about the twenty million dollars in casino money. They just really want that suitcase! They are therefore combing Bucharest for Snipes. The police, on the other hand, aren't really aware of the second gang at all, and think ol' Wesley is responsible for killing his own men plus some Romanian cops. Snipes is thus trapped in a predicament where everyone, good and bad, wants to capture him, and he can't even trust any of his friends because he knows that one of them betrayed him.

The set-up phase of the film is actually better than the resolution. Everything ultimately leads to a predictable denouement after the usual urban chase scenes, explosions, gunfights, and car crashes. In fact, the predictability in the film's last act is the only thing really weak about this movie. The first half of 7 Seconds is reasonably interesting, if a bit confusing, when the crosses and double-crosses engage one's mind, but after the curtains have been drawn back and all the secrets revealed, the film goes on for another 30-40 anticlimactic minutes with nothing left in the tank except gunfights and explosions. Despite a weaker second half, it is still one of the better straight-to-video action films. What it lacks in originality, it makes up in competence. The acting is satisfactory, the character development is adequate for an action film, the banter is sometimes amusing, the production values are fine, the cinematography and editing are solid, and the DVD transfer looks rich and professional. Moreover, Snipes is just plain more likeable and entertaining and human than the other guys who make straight-to-vids. 7 Seconds is definitely a cut above the recent straight-to-video efforts of Seagal and Stallone, and I even made it all the way through without using the fast forward button (although I sort of regretted that because the last thirty minutes were completely formulaic).

  • Georgina Rylance (1, 2, 3)


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  • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
  • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
  • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
  • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

'Caps and comments by Brainscan:

Today we feature "Babes in Bondage".

We took the old Time Machine all the way back to 1965 for a B & W grindhouse feature called "Tortured Females". Now don't get excited it's not at all explicit, remember it was 1965!

So what we have are Denise Dubois and a bevy of unknowns at the hands of a couple of weirdo's in an old shack in the woods. They are a little tied up and there is some whipping. Plus of course some boobs & butt along the way.

The last two caps are just Denise frolicking around in the great outdoors with some nice exposure.

Charity Rahmer
(1, 2)

Kristin Novak

Charity Rahmer
Kristin Novak
(1, 2, 3, 4)

Pilar Lastra
(1, 2)

First up, the ladies of the direct-to-vid flick, "Malibu Spring Break" (2003).

"Days of Our Lives" and "Cheerleader Massacre" co-star Charity Rahmer looks pretty good topless...Kristin Novak doesn't look too bad either.

Elia Galera
(1, 2)

Showing partial bum in #1 and full on bare-chestedness in #2. Scenes from the Spanish movie "La Mujer más fea del mundo" aka "The Ugliest Woman in the World (1999).

Rachel Weisz "The Mummy" star showing a little cleavage (and possibly a partial see-thru nipple sighting) in scenes from the Keanu movie, "Constantine" (2005),

Vanessa L. Williams The actress/singer/former Miss America (you remember, the one who was forced to give back the crown when those girl-girl nude pics turned up). Here she is looking yummy while posing for "Holding Your Own Boobs" magazine. Unfortunately, these 'caps from the made for TV mini-series "The Odyssey" also feature a mostly nude (and very furry) Armand Assante.

'Caps and comments by Dann:

"Forced Vengeance"
Stiff as a board and green as grass in his second film, Chuck Norris delivers just what you expect in 1982's Forced Vengeance. The story is predictable and formulaic, the action is fun to watch but hokey, and there's plenty of draggy spots in between. Still, that's exactly what Norris fans expect.

The plot involves a casino security guard who fights the mob in Hong Kong. When the casino owner, his dearest friend, is murdered, he sets out on a quest for....what else, vengeance. Then, they kill his girlfriend, and really piss him off. Basically, that's it.

For Chuck Norris/action fans, this will provide a pleasant no-brainer ninety minutes, and that's about all.

Reese Witherspoon
(1, 2, 3)

The "Legally Blonde" looking ever-so-cute in her one and only topless scene. Thanks to Mr. Nude Celeb for these 'caps from "Twilight".

Nicole Eggert Kitt takes his turn 'capping the former "Baywatch" babe showing off her robo-hooters for the first and only time. Scenes from the "lost" Eggert movie "Secret Sins" aka "Melissa". Scoop covered this in detail yesterday, including all the mystery surrounding it's status as MIA for 10 years.

Angelique Pettyjohn
(1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15)

Señor Skin 'caps of the 60's and 70's blonde bimbette turned part time adult actress. Here she is baring breasts and bum (plus a very brief hint of pubes in #12) in scenes from "G.I. Executioner" (1975). Classic Trek fans of course know her best as the warrior babe that Kirk seduces in the episode "The Gamesters of Triskelion".

Pat Reeder
Pat's comments in yellow...

Microscopic, In Fact - New Scientist magazine reports that Christian Kell of Germany's University of Frankfurt has finally located the part of the male brain that controls the penis. Since the 1920s, scientists have argued about where the genitals fall on the "homonculus," the brain map of body parts. Kell located it by stroking parts of volunteer's bodies with a brush while monitoring their brains with an MRI scan. Kell said the only depressing thing is that the area is "very small."

  • Which explains why the brain exerts no control over the penis.
  • Is he sure it isn't the penis that controls the brain?
  • It might've shown up larger if they'd gotten Carmen Electra to do the stroking.
  • I always assumed the penis control center was located in the female breasts.

    She Does Appear Dangerously Inbred - reports that Paris Hilton wants a royal wedding. She said she's always wanted to be a princess on her wedding day, so she wants to do at St. Paul's Cathedral or Westminster Abbey at Christmas, arrive in a horse-drawn carriage, and have a month of parties. She said, "Prince Charles got married there, so it's good enough for me," and she's written to Charles to ask for special dispensation, since only royals can be married there. But she said, "I'm the closest thing to American royalty anyway."

  • And that's why we fought a war not to have royalty...It's also why the French invented the guillotine.
  • She's a bubblehead who was born rich, is famous for no reason and has sex in public...Yep, she's our royalty, all right!
  • It almost makes you appreciate the regal dignity of the Kennedys, doesn't it?
  • She's so royal, she plans to have ALL her weddings at Westminster Abbey.

    Just A Bout Of The Love Bug - It was reported that newly-waiflike Lindsay Lohan fainted while exercising this week. Her fans are so worried, some have launched a website called Over 3,000 visitors have signed a petition reading, "We urge you, Lindsay, to please pick up a sandwich and eat it, or ice cream, or any food that might put those oh-so-cute pounds back on."

  • It made her want to throw up.
  • At least eat something tiny, with no fat! Like one of the Olsen twins!
  • She hasn't seen the site yet...She's gone in for a stomach-stapling.
  • She claims she just felt lightheaded from all the hair bleach, which is known as Paris Hilton Syndrome.

    Digital Effects Turned It Into A Digit - Welsh actor Ioan Gruffudd, who plays the elastic-like Mr. Fantastic in the new "Fantastic Four" movie, says his manhood was so prominent in those lycra tights, the studio feared it would alarm kids. He said he started out wearing a codpiece, then the memos kept coming from the studio, and they used effects to "make it smaller and smaller" until he looked like a non-anatomically correct action figure.

  • Well, that's HIS explanation, anyway.
  • Now, it's hard to justify the name "Mr. Fantastic."
  • So his penis was just TOO big? Sounds like he might be stretching things a bit.

    Schwing! - Thursday at Wimbledon, Venus Williams upset reigning champion Maria Sharapova, but Maria can take heart knowing that readers of the men's magazine Zoo voted her the favorite female tennis player of the past 20 years by a whopping 46 percent. Anna Kournikova was second with 19 percent. The editor said Anna had supermodel looks but no game, while Maria has the whole package and could become the richest female athlete in history.

  • Her bikini calendar will outsell both Anna's and Billie Jean King's combined!
  • Maria will be richer than Anna because she's actually won money playing tennis.
  • Maria could make a CD of her grunting and sell 10 million copies to men.

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