Friday

This section includes Scoop's site notes, images, vids, web finds, and meandering prattle.
Mailbox:

"One issue I've been meaning to write to you about.  In a recent interview, Michael Winterbottom, the director of "9 Songs" said he had wanted to include one of the sex scenes from the film in its uncut form as an extra on the DVD, but the British censor thought this was a step too far, and that, without intercutting, it became pornography and could only get an "R18" rating (meaning it could only be sold in the rather few licenced sex shops here, and not by mail).  Winterbottom withdrew the offending extra, but I wonder whether the DVD available elsewhere and, if so, whether it includes this extra -- if so, how about an mpeg of it to go with the excellent videos you've already provided from this film?"

Scoop's note: I'm no help on this one. I do own a copy of the DVD, but it is the Region 2 UK version (which was the first one to market)!! Has anyone out there seen the DVD from other regions? Is there anything worth reporting in the deleted material?

Updates:

  • Charlie's French Cinema Nudity site has been updated

 

La Pirate (1984)

I have never seen this movie, so you'll have to look down to the ICMS comments for any details. I did watch the clips, and they are so static, talky, and artificial that they make Eric Rohmer's movies look like summer action blockbusters. I don't know if I could fall asleep during a scene involving two famous naked women  lovin' long time, but if it is possible, this film could be our winner!

By the way, did you know that Jane Birkin is the wife of the director of this movie? (Actually, I'm not sure whether they ever got married, although they lived together for decades.) I think it was Peter Greenaway who speculated that being a writer/director is the ultimate way to pursue your sexual fantasies. Want to see your wife making love with a really hot woman? Write her a good enough part.

Anyway, I noticed that this film was underrepresented in the Encyclopedia, so I took a few down and dirty snaps from the film clips created by ICMS.

Maruschka Detmers
Jane Birkin

 

More Detmers material:

 

Long a Fun House favorite for the unabashed nudity in her early career, as capped off by an on-screen BJ in Devil in the Flesh, Maruschka is still getting naked twenty years after La Pirate, and still looks good. Charlie captured her in 2003's Mata Hari biopic

 

More Birkin material:

 

The lanky Jane Birkin not only provided a vast amount of screen nudity herself, but spawned a daughter (Charlotte Gainsbourg) who would continue this rich family family tradition! Here's another Birkin role with frontal nudity, Enfer et Passion.

Eternal (2005)

Eternal is a vampire-type story "inspired by true events," those events in this case being that some low-budget vampire movies have made a buck or two. Oh, I guess they are really referring to some events which happened in Shakespeare's lifetime. I guess the real events they are referring to involve the 17th century Hungarian countess Elizabeth Bathory, who is said to have attempted to stay young by bathing in the blood of as many as 600 young female virgins.

Here's a biography filled with the gory details.

From her bathing habits, I gather that the "Bride of Dracula" in this film, aka Elizabeth Kane, is the notorious Countess Elizabeth Bathory, still alive, and that therefore her technique really is the fountain of youth. Since the film is based on true events, I am trying to figure out if I can obtain some virgin blood without actually killing anyone. Do hospitals ever sell blood? Maybe I can just go down to the blood bank and open a Christmas Club account.

You may be interested in these birth and death dates

  • William Shakespeare, 1564-1616
  • Miguel de Cervantes, 1547-1616
  • Elizabeth Bathory, 1560-1614

The parallel lives belong to two great and compassionate authors, maybe the greatest of all time in their respective languages, and one sadistic monster. As Charles Dickens might have remarked, it was an age of moderation, it was an age of excess; the common man was everything, the common man was nothing.

You may not know this if you are not a Liberal Arts major, but Cervantes and Shakespeare both died on the same day: April 23, 1616. That combo sure beats the hell out of Richie Valens and Buddy Holly. The only death-combo I can recall which might rival Cervantes/Shakespeare in significance would be John Adams and Thomas Jefferson, who both died on July 4, 1826, a coincidence made even more significant by the fact that it happened to be the 50th birthday of the country they helped to found.

Back to the incredibly true movie ...

Countess Dracula, or Bathory, kills the wife of a Montreal police officer. (I guess virgin blood is just too hard to find.) The policeman follows the trail to her lair, and becomes transfixed by her, thus continuing to investigate her and woo her simultaneously, ala Basic Instinct.

I think the best way to describe Eternal is as follows: imagine you have a tape of a late-night cable sex show with some pretty slick production values. You also have a impish techno-nerd of a roommate who goes through your tape and digitally adds clothing to all the participants in the sex scenes. The result would be Eternal, which has most of the liabilities of a sex film and almost none of the pleasures. It has routine direction, uninspired acting, unknown cast members, and a plethora of sex scenes. Some of the sex scenes are quite kinky and stylized. Yet there is virtually no nudity. We see the star's bum as she rises from her blood bath, but the scene is dark and her ass is dark red, so she may be wearing a  thong and we'd never know it. Some brief breast exposure, and that's just about it.

Oh, and to make matters worse, the film takes itself seriously.

Trust me. You really aren't interested in this.

 

Ilona Elkin
Caroline Neron

 

 

 

 

Mortuary Academy (1988)

For those like me who enjoy the Paul Bartel/Mary Woronov black comedy Eating Raul way too much, I have good news. This is another. Two brothers are to inherit their late uncle's mortuary and attached mortuary academy provided they graduate from the academy. It is run by Paul Bartel, who is a closet necropheliac, and the classes are taught by Woronov. If our boys don't graduate, the ownership stays with Bartel.

The other students include a hip rapper, an ex con, a love interest for one of the brothers who is only interested in the make-up aspects of the funeral business, someone who designed animatronics and has some great ideas to revolutionize the industry, and other assorted oddballs.

The exposure is breasts from Cheryl Starbuck as a corpse, and the object of Bartel's attention. Also, look for a cameo from Wolfman Jack. I have included a few images of the artwork used during the opening credits, and one example of the sick mind at work here. Yes, of course this is a bad movie, but that is sort of the point. IMDb readers have it at 4.3. Scoopy awarded a D, calling it sophomoric material that just didn't work. When we disagree on a film, it is likely to be a comedy, and this one was offbeat enough to entertain me. It is a C-.


 

Cheryl Starbuck

Credits

 

 

The Collectors (1999)

This is a Canadian Lethal Weapon clone staring Casper Van Dien and Rick Fox. However, they are collectors and hit men for a New Orleans mob boss, in the Big Apple to collect some money and kick some butt. For the film to work, it was necessary to make them sympathetic characters, and they managed that well from the first collection attempt, where the scumbag they were after raped and murdered a 16 year old hooker, and they blew him away. Fox has a love interest in the Big Apple, Charlene Francique, who is still hooking for a living. Van Dien thinks he has something going with New Orleans police detective Catherine Oxenberg, who has followed them to New York.

The film kicks into high gear when they start their third debtor, a stock broker into the boss for $240K in glambling debts. There was topless action from numerous unidentified strippers in two strip bars, and breasts from Daniela Ferrera as girlfriend to debtor number two. The film contains enough action to hold your interest, and plenty of witty dialogue, making it work as both an actioner and a comedy. IMDb readers have it at 3.8. The only linked review at IMDb is for a different movie. I was not alone in liking this film, as evidenced by several of the IMDb comments. The buddy aspect between Van Dien and Fox was very believable, and the pace made it just what it was supposed to be, acceptable light entertainment. This is better than the IMDb score would suggest, and is probably at least a C-.
 

Daniela Ferrera

Unknowns

 

 

 

Monica Mayhem in "Hotel Erotica."

Roxanne Hall in "Hotel Erotica."

 

 

 

 

Egads! What would you think about some stark-naked girl-girl action by two well-known actresses from the 1980's? This idea appeals to ...? Then I'd like to invite you to my clips from 1984's "La Pirate", not available on commercial DVD as far as I know. The girls in question are Jane Birkin and Maruschka Detmers, and they really would like you to see their triple B performance.

Before you get your hopes up too high let me warn you. You are probably all aware of the fact that the French are pretty good at getting actresses out of their clothes in films. Unfortunately they are very good as well at senseless, endless yackety-yack in movies and judging by what goes on in these clips this looks the case here. If you don't understand French, consider yourselves lucky.

I still haven't had time to watch this movie directed by Jane's then husband, Jacques Doillon, but was surprised to see that it was nominated for a Golden Palm in Cannes and for several CÚsars. That's enough text for now, let's forward to the interesting bits of Jane and Maruschka in these 4 clips.  (1, 2, 3, 4)

Please pass by tomorrow for the remaining 4 clips.

 

Scoop's note: It seems to be available on DVD in Japan, but I don't understand one word of their language, so I'll leave it to you Asian linguists to decipher it.

 

 

 

As promised we took the old Time Machine back to 1967 for a look at what the sixties had to offer. We came up with "Cool It, Baby" as black & white soft core from Something Weird Video.

First up is Christine Cybelle the victim of a sex ring who winds up as a "Babe in Bondage" being whipped with a bar of soap wrapped in a towel. Some booby exposed.  

 
Next another "Babe in Bondage" Anita Fisher with some pretty nice tits on display as she is whipped and then given a little heat treatment.
Yolanda Signorelli is next as a model posing she has some very impressive breasts.

So the difference between the sixties and seventies would seem to be that in the sixties they kept their panties on.

 

 

 

 

Dann reports:

"You figure this 2003 drama featuring Misty and Chelsea Mundae has gotta be a sexploitation skin flick, and of course you're right. However, it has a surprisingly interesting plot and drama that came along for the ride. I don't think there's an Academy Award in the offing for either girl, but Misty, at least, can act to some degree, and both Julian Wells and Andrea Davis, both regulars in Misty films, do a decent job as well.

Misty plays Cynthia, a slutty schoolgirl who's loose as a goose and enjoying the fun. Chelsea plays Cynthia's older sister, Morgana. Morgana is much more shy and reserved than Cynthia, and usually goes along with Cynthia's antics while not approving of them.

Morgana is miffed at Cynthia, so when she spots her masturbating in the school shower, she secretly videotapes her, in order to embarrass her. Unfortunately, archrival Beth stumbles upon the video and taunts Cynthia, threatening to show the whole school what a slut she his. That turns out to be a bad idea, because Cynthia goes ballistic, and accidentally kills her.

On the run with Beth's body in the trunk and Morgana tagging along as usual, Cynthia runs into Juli, who promptly pulls a gun and starts playing mind games (and some body games, too) with the girls.

Aside from plenty of lesbian sex, this movie has some twists and turns that make this an above-average soft-core film, and fun to watch."

Chelsea and Misty Mundae Andrea Davis Julian Wells

 

 

 

 

Mr Skin came up with some good captures of Virginie Ledoyen in St.-Ange (aka The House of Voices)
and the Skinatollah also got some rare shots of Ledoyan from the deleted scenes. (I guess it is Virginie, but I wouldn't even have recognized her.)
From Marvin, the master of all things Scandinavian, comes more from the Zodiac series. Lone Helmer in "Under the Sign of Taurus"

 

 

 

 

 

The trailer for The Producers

The trailer for Underworld: Evolution, Kate Beckinsale in the sequel to 2003's vampire vs. werewolf conflict, Underworld.

"SADDAM DEMANDS HARRIET MIERS AS HIS JUDGE" ... "Likes His Chances" With Non-judge Presiding at Trial.

  • "Elsewhere, the Minnesota Vikings petitioned the National Football League to let them play the remainder of the season onboard a boat, arguing that that is where they have done most of their scoring this year."

Maternity leave is over for Tina Fey of 'Saturday Night Live.' She'll be back behind the 'Weekend Update' anchor desk for this week's episode. Ya gotta believe that Lorne did some serious groveling to avoid another week of Horatio Sanz.

Gwyneth: "the UK's streets are dirty, the weather cold and its customer services 'rubbish'."

Michael Jackson ordered to do jury duty in court that tried him!

  • "Michael Jackson has been ordered to serve on a jury in the court where he was tried for child molestation, but he will be excused as he has abandoned his Neverland Ranch home, officials said Thursday. "

Letterman's Top Ten Signs You're Not Going To Be Named The World's #1 Intellectual

Steven Colbert discusses Tom Cruise and Katie

"The Colbert Report: Disappointed" ... Saddam's trial will be the TV event of the year -- like the Oscars, but with atrocities."

The Daily Show: Baghdad Legal: "Since the legal system is in its infancy Saddam and his co-defendants were placed in justice cribs."

The Daily Show: "Iraqi Legal Analyst Dan Bakkedahl discusses Saddam's legal strategies, like playing the race card."

The Daily Show's "This Week in God"

The Daily Show's Lewis Black whines and snivels about Harriet Miers

Paris Hilton? Tom Sizemore tapped that ass. "Troubled movie star TOM SIZEMORE claims he bedded PARIS HILTON when she was a teenager."

Aussie courts rule that habitually drunken worker was unjustly sacked

  • "Mr Ware was awarded $10,000 compensation, plus termination payments and other costs."
  • But it quickly disappeared during his press conference, when he bought the house a round.(hic)

The First Annual RICHMOND VA ZOMBIE WALK!

Spider Lives In Greek Woman's Ear

Britney Spears sports some jumbo-ass post-baby boobies

Modern Drunkard Magazine explains how to spend eight hours in a bar on your way home from work

New TV show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders (see clips below)

Clips from The Cheerleader Show

Classic NFL Photos

  • What a trip to see what NFL players looked like in 1950!

Will VAN HALEN Be The Next 'Rock Star' Band?

  • "a source close to the 'Rock Star' TV show has claimed that the core VAN HALEN trio - brothers Alex and Eddie Van Halen and bassist Michael Anthony - will be auditioning potential frontmen and women for the show's still-hypothetical second season. The winner would be stepping into the shoes previously worn by David Lee Roth, Sammy Hagar, and (briefly) former EXTREME singer Gary Cherone."

CLAIRE DANES has revealed it was a struggle acting out a raunchy sex scene with older co-star Steve Martin in their new film Shopgirl.

Oswalt did it again. Astros will face the White Sox in the Series.

Sex scenes with his own wife challenged Dafoe

  • "for actor Willem Dafoe, perhaps the toughest sex scenes yet were in a new film co-starring and directed by his wife."

The Smoking Gun: Breast Adjustment Doc Suspended ... Michigan chiropractor may have mis-handled two teenage girls

"War of Words over Cruise-skewering Site"

A new clip from Saw II

Three clips from Jarhead and a "look inside" featurette.

Two new clips from, and a featurette about, The Weather Man

MrTwig.net has the new episode of South Park.

Colbert Report: Bacchanalia - the pyramids and the Taj Mahal were rich people playing 'Pimp My Afterlife'

"Bill O'Reilly talks about the wrongs in the world that have to be righted, and calls Jon Stewart a pinhead."

Leslie Stahl talks to Stephen Colbert

DELAY VOWS TO CONTINUE FUNDRAISING IN PRISON ... Will Tap Into Network of Convicted CEOs, Congressman Says

 

 

 

 

 
SADDAM'S FIRST DAY IN COURT
The Execution Was Rescheduled For December - Wednesday in Iraq, Saddam Hussein appeared for day one of his televised trial.  He called the "so-called court" illegitimate, said he was still president of Iraq, declared himself "not guilty" of crimes against humanity, and scuffled with guards until they let him go to the bathroom without holding his arms.  His lawyer asked for an adjournment to better establish his case, and the judge granted six weeks.  The trial will resume in late November.

*  ...Exactly the same way.
*  If he wants to establish that Saddam Hussein is not guilty, he'd better ask for at least six years.
*  This would never happen under Saddam's old courts: most of his prisoners didn't HAVE arms.



CHEESEBURGER BILL PASSES
The Senators Were Fried - Wednesday, the U.S. House passed the Personal Responsibility in Food Consumption Act, aka "The Cheeseburger Bill."  It bars people from suing the food industry for making them fat.  Some Democrats argued that courts are already throwing out such cases, but the bill passed by a bipartisan 300-120 vote.  However, a similar bill passed by the House last year died in the Senate.

*  Probably from high cholesterol.
*  They couldn't agree on a clause that also protected the recliner industry.
*  When Ted Kennedy heard the Cheeseburger Bill was coming, he ducked out.
*  Senators just can't support "Personal Responsibility."


SCIENTOLOGISTS THREATEN SCIENTOMOGY
Brooke Shields Fans - The Church of Scientology is threatening to sue a satirical New Zealand website called ScienTOMogy.info, which exposes "Tom Cruise's moronic behavior" in promoting his religion.  It features dumb Cruise quotes and a video in which he appears to electrocute Oprah.  The owners say it's non-profit, for humor only and makes no claims to be associated with Scientology.  But Scientology lawyers demanded ownership of the URL and $100,000 for trademark infringement.  They say "ScienTOMogy" is just one letter removed from Scientology, and visitors might confuse it with the real Church of Scientology.

*  Because it's designed to be laughably moronic?
*  You wouldn't think so, until you learn about the real Church of Scientology.
*  Tom Cruise is also hopping mad.




MAN CLAIMS MARRIAGE RECORD
Worse, 162 Mothers-In-Law - Nedljko Ilincic, 75, of Bosnia wants a place in the Guinness Book of Records for his claim that he's been married 162 times.  He says his parents married him to a rich older woman when he was 15, but he soon divorced her.  From then on, he said he seemed to be getting married and divorced all the time, staying with each wife from a week to several years.  But he said, "I'm not ready to give up on love yet": he has two girlfriends and one ex who wants to marry him again, and "another 100 marriages would probably calm me down."

*  Or kill him...same thing.
*  He thinks he was married to Renee Zellweger for a few days, but he's not sure.
*  Once he's in the Guinness Book of Records for the most marriages and divorces, he'll be a REAL catch!
*  If this doesn't work, he'll claim the record for swallowing the most Viagra tablets.



RETIREES SENT TO SEX RESORT  (CAREFUL! NOTE SUBJECT!)
No Sex, Please, We're British - A group of middle-aged and retired British vacationers booked a last-minute package trip to Cancun, but were shocked to discover they'd been booked into a swingers' resort.  They complained that they were surrounded by nudity and filthy games, there was a threesome in the swimming pool, and they had "never seen people as obsessed with sex...Women were by the pool doing things with bananas, and the men had their blow-up dolls."  The tour company refused a refund until a TV consumer show ran the story with the tourists' X-rated videos.

*  They could've sold those videos on DVD and made enough money to vacation forever.
*  If the men had known what to expect, they NEVER would've come...with their wives.
*  The ladies saw some ideas for using bananas that even Martha Stewart never heard of.
 *  The guys at that resort who had to use blow-up dolls must've been serious losers.



$3,000 TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB
The Height Of Inconvenience - Father Anthony Sutch of Suffolk, England, decided St. Benet's Church was too gloomy and needed brighter light bulbs. But the ceiling is 40 feet high and under the European Union's "Working at Heights Directive," that's unsafe for a ladder.  It took four men three days to build scaffolding at a cost of nearly $3,000.  Asked if he could have changed the bulbs himself, Father Sutch told the Daily Mail that when he was a young monk, he climbed a ladder, two girls whistled and said what good legs he had, and "I haven't climbed up a ladder since."

*  Those EU bureaucrats have taken all the fun out of being a monk.
*  Q:  How many E.U. bureaucrats does it take to change a light bulb?  A:  Sorry, you're no longer allowed to change a light bulb.



UPDATE:  LAP DANCE FELONS GO FREE
More Like A Pole Dance - Prosecutors in Albuquerque, New Mexico, dropped felony charges against two 18-year-olds who ran up a $2,460 bill on their first trip to a strip club by getting 82 lap dances in a row.  Investigators found them to be "real hayseeds" and bought their excuse that they didn't know each song began a new dance and thought it was one lap dance that lasted 83 minutes.  Officials decided the dancers should have warned them how big the bill was getting, and a teenage boy with a naked stripper on his lap can't be deemed legally capable of making a rational decision.

*  He can't even stop drooling.
*  Besides, their parents already killed them.
*  They're 18 years old: they saw nothing unusual about maintaining an erection for 83 minutes.
*  The D.A. figured why put the boys in jail cells when they've already spent the last six months locked in their bathrooms?



DRUNKEN WORKER SUES AND WINS
Moral: Never Hire Anyone - Australian Jirra Collings Ware was a broker for OAMPS Insurance who kept coming to work drunk or not returning from lunch. He admitted he was a binge drinker, and his boss let him skip Friday afternoons and even gave him time off for therapy.  After repeated reprimands, he drunkenly urinated in a wastebasket and was finally fired. He sued, claiming he has attention deficit disorder and the company didn't do enough to accommodate his disability.  A judge agreed and ordered the company to pay him back salary, legal fees and $10,000 damages.

*  That'll buy a lot of booze!
*  Wow, this company just keeps getting peed on!
*  They also had to name him "Employee of the Month."
*  This judge must have intelligence deficit disorder.



WE EAT MORE WHEN FOOD IS WITHIN REACH
From The Journal "Duh" - Researchers at Weill Cornell Medical College in New York gave secretaries Hershey's Kisses for Secretary's Week, and each night, they counted the Kisses and refilled the containers.  The secretaries ate nearly twice as many when they were in clear jars on their desks than when they were in opaque jars six feet away.  The secretaries reported feeling twice as tempted by the nearby chocolate they could see. Researchers said maybe people would be more tempted to eat healthy foods like fruits or vegetables if they are closer than unhealthy foods.

*  Naaaaah!
*  Maybe...if it's chocolate-covered strawberries.
*  Or at least we'd get more exercise walking past them to get to the chocolate.



AIRLINE ORDERS FAT PEOPLE TO MOVE
Jumbo Jet Set - Britannia Airways is accused of insensitivity to overweight people after the pilot on a half-empty flight from Tenerife told the flight attendant that he wasn't happy with the weight distribution for takeoff. So she went out and said she needed the eight fat people in the back to move to the front.  A 340-pound man said they looked around in embarrassment, then finally shuffled to the front.

*  Would they have been less embarrassed if the plane couldn't get its tail off the ground?
*  She should've just said, "People sitting closer to the kitchen will be served first!"  That would've moved 'em.
*  Don't complain: an insensitive airline would've made them pay for two seats.



"SIMPSONS" TRANSLATED TO ARABIC
Death To The Jewish Clown! - The Arab Satellite Network MBC is bringing "The Simpsons" to the Middle East.  It will be called "Al Shamshoon," and star Omar and Badr instead of Homer and Bart.  But because the show is so American and features Christian, Jewish and Hindu characters, they can't just translate the voices.  They're also changing Homer's Duff beer to soda, deleting all references to him eating pork rinds or bacon, and editing out all piggish behavior that might offend Islam.  But he will still say, "D'oh!"

*  That's ALL he will say...and then the episode is over.
*  Bart will say...nothing.
*  They can leave in the parts where Homer strangles Bart for talking back.
*  Marge will have to wear an 8-foot-tall burqa.
*  Bart's catchphrase will be "Don't have a pig, man."
*  What better way to show the Middle East that American values are worth emulating than to show them the Simpsons?

 

 

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

  • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
  • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
  • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan or ICMS, or somebody else besides me)
  • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.