Brutal Massacre: A Comedy
The incongruous title of this B-movie actually makes sense because it is a
comical mockumentary about the making of a very bad horror film named
Harry Pendrecki is a horror auteur who once had a major hit and followed
that with a few cult successes, but has now fallen on hard times with a
steady string of failures. The film follows his travails as he gets the
financing for the picture and drags his crew out to the wilds to make it.
The script offers a double dose of insider knowledge, in that it not only
riffs on the problems involved in filming indie/guerilla films in general,
but it also looks at the special nature of horror films and their fan
base. The latter provides some of the film's best laughs when Harry
interacts with the horror film community and answers questions about his
past masterpieces, including Sasquatch at the Mall and Killer Koala, a
unique horror film targeted at very young children. According to Harry and
his A.D., Killer Koala was a very moral film which taught values to
youngsters, because the evil koala never killed children who ate their
vitamins and brushed their teeth.
Since this film is a comedy about horror films, the cast combines comic
actors like David Naughton, Brian O'Halloran, and Gerry Bednob with horror
vets like Gunnar "Leatherface" Hansen, and director Mick Farris ("Masters
of Horror"). Now that I think about it, David Naughton belongs in both
groups, since he starred in An American Werewolf in London. As director
Pendrecki, Naughton is barely recognizable from his Dr. Pepper days. His
hair now makes him look like Dr Salt and Pepper, and he's added
substantial girth to his belly, but all of that works quite well with his
laid-back personality to give the film an anchor. Harry tries with
reasonable diligence to complete his film but around him is chaos: sound
and F/X guys who have no idea how to do sound and F/X, locals who steal
from the set and/or deliberately ruin the shots, crew members who do
nothing but take cigarette breaks, other crew members who die during the
shoot, non-actors pressed into service reading lines, real actors who quit
in the middle of the film, actresses who balk at nudity, investors who
insist on nudity, and so forth.
If you're seeking a slick, subtle comedy filled with realistic characters,
this ain't it, but if you would like a lot of broad laughs in the context
of a wildly exaggerated view of the problems involved in making an indie
horror film, you might just enjoy this. The laughs are obvious, but the
writer created the film out of his own experiences in the genre, so it's
still a pleasant and insightful way to pass the time.
Bozzone is topless as a too-eager auditioner.
Michelle Benedetti shows breasts and thonged buns as an actress in
Harry's horror film.
- As another actress in the film-within-the-film,
reluctantly shows one breast very briefly.
- Penelope Lea
shows breasts and thonged buns as a hooker servicing Gerry Bednob. (Bednob
is that crazy old Indian guy from The 40-Year-Old Virgin.)
Catch the deluxe
version of Other Crap in real time, with all the bells and whistles,
Well gang, the old "Hankster" took a mini-vacation and we were not going
to get home in time to do something new for today's edition, so we had to
take this off the laptop's hard drive.
Back on June 26 we did a segment on a former Playboy Playmate Merci
Montello in a sleazy piece of drive-in trash called "The Bushwhacker." Also
making an appearance in that film was a chick called Rita Roundheels. That
was certainly not her real name and was probably her only shot at stardom as
IMDB does not even list her in the credits, but she was listed at the end of
the movie. So here's "Rita," tied up, whipped, sliced with a knife and burnt
with a hot knife.
This is not a family movie.
Unfortunately, the quality of this DVD is not even up to VHS standards.
It looks more like it did on the screens of the drive-ins and grindhouses
where it played in the good old days, complete with scratches and pops. So
think of this as a slice of history.
Caps and 7 clips.
Notes and collages
No Way Out
Kevin Costner broke through and became a superstar in 1987-90. In that short
period he did No Way Out, The Untouchables, Bull Durham, Field of Dreams and
Dances With Wolves in quick succession.
Confessions of a Lap Dancer
So many things you do not want to see as you travel through this life, for they
are warnings of bad things to come. An umpire walking to home plate with the
help of a seeing-eye dog. That would be bad. Dr. Kevorkian sent to tell you
the results of your biopsy. That would be worse. A movie - any movie - with a
first scene in which a woman - any woman - is crying. Worst of all possibilites,
that one. Tells you there is viewing pain ahead. It violates the one rule we
have in the house about which movies to rent or buy: I will not watch a movie
that does or even could star Hugh Grant. Don't care what the title of
the movie is, if a gal be crying in the first scene, Hugh Grant cannot be far
behind. Despite failing this litmus test, Confessions of a Lap Dancer has two
saving graces: Hugh Grant is nowhere to be seen and barely a minute goes by
without one, two or all three B's out there in the open, for us to enjoy.
The movie's protagonist and title character - the Lap Dancer, not the
Confessions - is played by Blake Pickett. Ms. Pickett had quite the career.
Once a video DJ on the Nashville Network, or some such thing, and then a beauty
in B movies who kept her clothes on, all the more to be desired, Blake wandered
into this mess of a movie because, well I suppose because she had bills to pay.
Time was I capped a movie of hers in which she stripped down to a bikini. And
how I wished at the time she had shed a lot more clothing. Had red hair then
and she looked wonderful. In Confessions she has bleach blonde hair -
independent evidence of its unnatural color is given us several times in the
movie - and although her body looks remarkably well toned her face looks like
the years have worn her down. But does she ever give up the goodies. I counted
12 scenes in which she either strips or sport humps. If you like her looks and
can think of nothing better than to see Blake Pickett naked, brother, then you
have come to the right place.
The movie itself blows. Giant green weenies. Blake's character is a stripper,
lap dancer and hooker, all rolled up into one neat package. Back story is she
wants her daughter back from some older, respectable guy but because she's been
arrested and jailed for solicitation the odds of that are ever so slim. There
is one meager, contrived attempt to explain her hooking. You see, she has a
preternatural desire to defy convention and live wildly. You know that because
in exactly one scene, immediately after her friend has offered that theory, she
boosts a car and goes for a joyride. End of exposition, end of backstory, end of
interest... on anybody's part, including the scriptwriter. We do learn
repeatedly that Blake is an unhappy camper. Does not like her day job. Every
time she hooks up with someone she cries, discreetly enough so that the John or
the Jane cannot see her, which is a good thing for business because most of us
would rather not have our sex partners weep through a session of heated boffing.
Her lawyer decides he loves her and dips his dingus into a honeypot that should
be drained dry by now, and you know she loves him because she smiles during
intercourse - whoda thunk? But then she meets his best friend and it turns out
to be one of her johns and yada, yada, yada. Who the fuck cares? Another story
winds its way through the movie - something about the strip joint's bookkeeper,
whose cop ex-boyfriend wants her back or something. In the end, almost as if by
magic, all stories get resolved all happy and neat, in a way that tells me this
script had to have been written by a girl. Not a woman, a girl. Even if the
writer sported a Y chromosome and external genitalia, he is still a girl.
Confessions is really a chick flick with all the sensibilities of a Hugh Grant
film, but with lots and lots of nekkidness.
Blake and a whole lotta other women do get seriously nekkid. Got the caps and
clips to prove it. You will see lots of stripping scenes, sometimes by named
players - not just Blake but also Nikki Nova and Julia Kruis and Janine
Lindemulder - and many times by a quartet of unidentified lap dancers who sit
and wait politely while the main gals strip and then bounce up to wriggle around
on some guy's lap. Seems like awfully civilized behavior from a group of sex
workers, but what do I know? Director of this dreck has a style for filming the
stripping scenes. Too bad it is a piss poor style. Use two cameras, he
figures, and set em up at the back of the room and to make it seem as though
this really is a strip club have people walk between the camera and the subject
as often as possible. Yep, that sure convinced me. And there were many sport
humping scenes. Blake does a handful of guys and one gal, played by Lisa
That scene is a hoot, BTW. Lisa has her arms out, crucifixion style, and is
blindfolded - so she thinks Blake is her hubby as she canoodles with her naughty
bits, but as soon as the blindfold comes off, Lisa's hands are shown to be free
as birds. Just the way it goes in Confessions of a Lap Dancer. People who made
this thing could not be bothered to worry about stuff like... I don't know,
logic, consistency, continuity... that sort of stuff.
So okay, wasn't supposed to be Kagemusha, this movie. And I do so appreciate
the fact the producers went out and got Blake to take off all her clothes every
five minutes, but crimony they were this close to having a movie that might have
worked at some level above the pudendum. Sadly, it was not be, mon cherie.
About today's clips:
Scene 9 &
Scene 10 - More nekkid
stripping that leads to the one and only lap dance. Here I must make a
confession of my own - I edited all the stripping scenes, not only Blake's but
also all the others to follow. Why? Because the professional editor - the guy
paid to cut this movie's scenes into a story - decided that nothing spices up a
nekkid gal dancing around than repeated cuts to some observer, usually a
boyfriend, who is supposed to disapprove of this sort of thing. Two problems
here - 1) The character's emotions must be presented in the face and body
language of an actor, and none of the guys hired for this movie will win an
Oscar in his or anyone else's lifetime; 2) We don't give a shit. Honestly, not
one of us cares the tiniest bit what a stripper's boyfriend thinks of her
dancing. We trust he knew she was a stripper before they got together and we
suspect he likes the money she brings home. So spare us the angst and keep the
camera on the gal. At least, that would be my advice, but then no one asked me.
The first two collages are from Scene 9, the last from Scene 10
Blake with Lisa Comshaw
- Lisa's hubby hires Blake to kiss and grope his wife for her birthday. Just
like my dad buying a 14-pound bowling ball for my mom's 50th birthday - you know
who was getting the most out of that gift. Lisa's husband was hoping for a
threesome, but Lisa gets into it and tosses him aside to munch the carpet on her
own. Apparently the characters in this movie live in the best of all possible
worlds, where all viruses and bacteria are friends to you and me and would not
think to cause us harm. Still, this is the scene for you if you like to see gals
kissing and fondling and all that sort of thing.
This is the fourth time this week for Sienna
Miller. I don't think there are any new ones here, but there are some
much-improved versions of the previous ones - larger and/or without the
Fully dressed, but nice pics.
Three observations: (1) her face isn't as nice as I remembered (2) but her legs
are even better (3) and where the hell did she get that massive cleavage?
One more of Marisol Nichols in Felon
New collages of Anne Hathaway in Havoc
... and Bijou Phillips in Havoc