The Ruins


This is yet another of the "yokels terrorize yuppies" genre which has experienced a recent upsurge in popularity. This particular one comes from the foreign sub-genre, which means that it's not about smart-ass, reckless, and disrespectful yuppie students heading for the country and getting raped and tortured by toothless inbred yokels from West Virginia, but is instead about those same characters heading to remote foreign locales and getting raped and tortured by wealthy neo-Nazis (the Hostel sub-sub genre) or swarthy, mustachioed, resentful natives (the Turistas sub-sub genre). Actually in this case the kids have less trouble with the local people than with the local flora, which consists mostly of some killer crawling snapdragons which seem to be a hybrid created by crossing vines with Venus flytraps and the plant from Little Shop of Horrors.

The requisite stereotyped yuppies with an undue sense of American entitlement, not content to hit the usual tourist locales, make their way to some remote and forgotten area to see some Mayan ruins which have been preserved particularly well and are not listed in any of the guidebooks.

Little known fun fact: those Mayan pyramids and temples should not be called "ruins" at all. They are not ruined. They look exactly the same as when they were built. The expert Mayan architects just created them that way to give them a retro look, just as we build faux-Colonial villages. That may sound like modern thinking to you, but the Mayans were far more advanced than we realize, and we have much to learn from their ancient wisdom. They already had precise astronomy, frosted toaster pastries and color TVs when Europeans were still living in houses made from their own feces.

Anyway ...

It's one of those movies designed to make you squirm. One of the male students has to have his legs amputated by the others, and one of the girls has to have the creeping vines removed from inside of her with some makeshift surgery followed by a scene where a long string of plants is pulled from her, like an endless string of scarves being pulled out by a stage magician.

The film offers no explanation for the strange supernatural plants, nor history of the haunted pyramid, and the kids are not very appealing, but that is just as well. Considering their fate, the audience is probably not meant to have an emotional investment in them. You would watch this one entirely for the repulsive gross-outs, which are creepy and original, and not for the plot or characterization. It's a genre film for those who like their genre films undiluted and uncompromised.

Now playing (it just opened Friday).

Here's the trailer:


Laura Ramsey does a pretty good (albeit brief) nude scene, and even offers a quick flash of lower frontal action, but this clip is from a "cam," so you should view it as merely a preview of what is to come eventually.


  • * Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe).

  • * White asterisk: expanded format.

  • * Blue asterisk: not mine.

  • No asterisk: it probably sucks.


Catch the deluxe version of Other Crap in real time, with all the bells and whistles, here.








Tell Me No Lies


Tell Me No Lies, aka In the Midnight Hour, is a Canadian thriller staring Amber Smith. Amber's estranged sister has been killed, and Amber moves to Santa Barbara and wins a midnight spot on the local college radio station. She hopes to somehow make things right with her dead sister. During her first night on the air, she gets a call from someone claiming to be the killer, and may well be, because he knows intimate details about her sister's body. The caller also knows what Amber looks like and where she lives, and promises to kill her. The rest of the film plays out as a whodunit, with the added topspin that Amber might or might not be killed before the killer is unmasked.

IMDb readers score this at 2.6, although the acting is not half bad, especially from a bunch of actresses willing to show their breasts in good light, and the cinematography and sound track are acceptable. Once you realize it is the first film from director Emmanuel Itier, you know the problem. He did not close some plot holes in the script, and even created some new ones with his blocking choices. Main problems include showing the face of the man the dead girl has sex with just before her death, the lack of motivation to show the female detective topless in a hot tub, and the complete lack of character development for the two detectives working on the case. They were also short on motivation for two of the murders.

The IMDb score seems too low. Based on comments and linked reviews, people were trying to make it into a softcore sex film or an erotic thriller, but it is really a straight thriller. The nudity consists entirely of breasts only, and the sex scenes cut from foreplay to afterglow. Add back in about three points for the film not being what the voters expected, and we are in the right territory.  The same script and cast in the hands of a competent director would have resulted in a decent thriller, and had they upped the sex and fixed the plot, it could have been an excellent erotic thriller.

Scoop's notes:

Actually, it was supposed to be an erotic thriller. At least that's what the director said in his notes on the DVD:

(The caps are his. He loves caps.)

"As I wrote it once in a song 'You cannot kill what cannot die.' I meant that the Soul, the Spirit within us, cannot be destroyed, only the body can be, somewhat, bent. Little that I know that I was going to be able to express this philosophy in an Erotic Thriller! I want to thank the Grand Mystery of Life, and Death, to always keep me on the Rocking side of Eternal Inspiration"

If you think that is gibberish, you should see the movie, which he calls his "True Erotic Punk-Rock Suspense Drama." One of the many hilariously bad things about this film is that it was filmed entirely in the director's house. The den with a wet bar is a "bar" (with a hastily pasted "exit" sign added for ultra-realism!). His rec room is a "disco." The upstairs bedrooms are a "college dorm." His editing room is a "radio station." 

The direction is unbelievably bad. In the movie's second scene, for example, two cops have a little spat while standing over the body. They are standing about 12 feet apart, so they can't both fit into a tight two shot. How did the director resolve this? He shot it in real time with one camera. The camera focuses on the one detective while he delivers his line, then pans at vertiginous speed to the other detective for her line, then back and forth so many times that I was getting nauseated. Several times the actors flubbed lines or delivered them wrong (e.g., one character says "she would have ... went"), but the director never stopped the camera from rolling. One camera, one take.

In the process of that discussion, Mr. Male Detective determines that this is the work of a serial killer, even though there are no other prior victims! I guess they never told him at the police academy that "serial" killing would have to require a minimum of two people, killed at separate times. Perhaps he meant "cereal," or perhaps he went to that same police academy as Steve Guttenberg.


Amber Smith

Erika Michaels

Yvette McLendon

Michelle Perry












The French really know how to make a movie. Caroline Ducey really gives it up as we get to see it all including oral sex, and a legs wide open beaver shot. She is not shy that's for sure. You can also  play the "Spot the Tool" game. Also a couple of "Babe in Bondage" scenes.

Caps and seven clips.







Notes and collages

The Gift


Katie Holmes


Aside from photographer John Derek whose three beautiful actress wives could have been sisters (Ursula Andress, Linda Evans and Bo (Derek), only Mr. Cruise has had so many beautiful trophy wives to his credit: ie: Mimi Rogers, Nicole Kidman and Katie Holmes.

Scoop's notes:

Roger Vadim had to be a contender. He was married to Brigittte Bardot, Jane Fonda, Marie-Christine Barrault, Annette Stroyberg, and Catherine Schneider. In his spare time he had a child by Catherine Deneuve!

Interestingly, Derek and Vadim were two of the worst major filmmakers who ever lived. Vadim directed more than 30 movies and not one of them is rated higher than 6.5 at IMDb. He was a whiz kid compared to Derek, whose five films are rated between 2.2 and 3.9.

Perhaps they spent too much time fuckin'.

Based on the comments of Mimi Rogers, that's certainly not a problem Cruise has.

Which leads us to Rok's teaser-preview of Mimi in Full Body Massage:







Psycho Cop 2


This is the fourth of a five-part series featuring the famous 6'2" babe, Julie Strain.

Film clips of Julie Strain in Psycho Cop Returns.










Dita von Teese

Here is part 5 of 7 of the film Pin-Ups2, in which Dita does all sorts of naughty, explicit lesbian and solo activities.



A reader sent in this sexy sequence featuring Stephanie Zimbalist in season one of Remington Steele.

A few plumber's cracks

Kate Beckinsale
Kirsten Dunst
Paris Hilton
Petra Nemcova

and a couple of one-offs

Alexandra Breckenridge in an episode of Dirt
Top pro volleyballer Misty May


Clips: New flicks


Ciera Payton and Katie Jones in Flight of Fury (2007)

Two from Fear House (2008): Monique La Barr and Meredith Barnett



Clips: Classics and Vintage


Clemence Poesy in Bienvenue Chez les Rozes

Desiree Nosbusch in Der Fan

Kari Wuhrer in Luscious

Kim Dickens in Out of Order. One does not think of Kin as a glamour girl, but she can be damned sexy!

Marie Baeumer in Der Alte Affe Angst

Rebekah Carlton in Leprechaun 4

Suzana Matos in As Sete Vampiras - just in case The Ruins doesn't meet your minimum daily requirement for carnivorous plants.

Tawny Kitaen showers in Witchboard.

Thandie Newton in Gridlockd. The rumor is that Thandie will play Condoleeza Rice in Oliver Stone's Bush movie.