Charlie's French Cinema site is updated.
The Dreamers (2003)
It was a film from acclaimed Italian director
Bernardo Bertolucci, and it was also chosen by our voters as the best
nude scene of the year.
Review here. It's easy to get excited about high definition videos
and captures from this film! I'll be spreading these out over several
days, because the video files are large.
Deadly Weapons (1974)
Here's another classic, although for different
reasons. In this case, the movie is so bad that it should be sold in
cheese shops instead of video outlets, but it does feature the unique
talents of one "Chesty" Morgan, she of
the 72 inch natural gazongas. Her chest isn't that sexy, but it
certainly is a curiosity item. Once again, this will be spread out
over several days. Here are the first two installments. (1,
zipped .wmv files this time.)
Uwe Boll, you magnificent bastard!
It has become customary for
movie reviewers to refer to director Uwe Boll as the new Ed Wood. In
at least one sense, the appellation is appropriate. Both men built reputations
as the worst directors of their respective generations. Uwe's work is
held in such complete contempt that each of his last three films is
among the worst 35 of all time at IMDb, and he has made two others
just as bad or worse!
- (2.31) -
BloodRayne (2005) (34th worst of all time.)
- (2.20) -
the Dark (2005) (27th worst of all time.)
- (2.05) -
- Mord in Genf? (1993)
- (2.01) -
the Dead (2003) (17th worst of all time.)
- (1.98) -
Fried Movie (1991)
Based on the interviews I have seen and read, Uwe is like Ed Wood
in one other way. He is in complete denial about the inept nature of
his creations. He told one interviewer:
"I think I made a perfect House of the Dead movie, because it
really shows how the game is. It's a lot of fun, it's over-the-top
action - it's not 28 Days Later, because the reality is that House
of the Dead is about how it's a lot of fun to shoot zombies... It's
cheesy entertainment with a lot of gore and a lot of violence, and
He seems to think that he has been singled out for completely
undeserved brickbats which have been hurled at his magnificent works
by petty critics jealous of his financial success. He may have a
point. Nobody in the world can quite figure out how Uwe manages to
raise so much money and to get his films distributed theatrically when
they are obviously straight-to-vid material, but the fact remains
that he has managed to pull it off.
"And all my movies, no matter what reviewers are saying, are
getting sold. I am number one in the market as far as paying
investors back goes, and that's not because I make the best movies
on earth, but I make movies for a minimal amount of budget compared
to what major companies are spending, and the movies look good, and
they go out theatrically, and they make a lot of money on DVD or Pay
TV. (More than 1.4 million copies of the House of the Dead DVD have
been sold in North America.) This is the main point - if the movie
is really, really bad, why are a hundred territories buying it? It's
tough to get my movies on screens in the UK and France, to give a
couple of examples, but they do very well in cinemas in Spain,
Italy, Russia, Thailand and the Middle East, generally spending a
few weeks in the top ten of the box office charts. I can live with
that situation. The average Hollywood movie last year had $65
million production costs, and $40 million promotions and advertising
costs. My movies have $15 million to $20 million production costs,
and $10 million P&A."
(Note: In the past. Uwe managed to raise a great deal of cash from
German investors on the basis of certain loopholes in the German tax
code. Investing in a film could justify a 1-to-1 write-down of the
income subject to tax liability. According to Boll that loophole has
now been closed.)
He did have some mystifying success with North
American theatrical distribution for House of the Dead and Alone in
the Dark, but the house of cards collapsed on BloodRayne. Boll tried
to distribute outside of the traditional studio system, and the
experiment failed. The independent distributor announced that 2000 screens would
be locked up for two weeks, and sent out the appropriate number of
prints, but only 985 of the theaters showed the film at all, and only
340 of those held it over for a second week after the film opened in
19th place nationwide. By the third week the theater count had tumbled
to 56, and there was no fourth week.
is the movie any good? Well, I will say this: it is self reviewing.
Here is the plot description: "In eighteenth century
Romania, Rayne, a sexy dhampir (half-human,
half-vampire), prone to fits of blind blood rage
but saddled with a compunction for humans, strives
to avenge her mother's rape by her father, Kagan,
King of Vampires (Sir Ben Kingsley). Two vampire
hunters, Sebastian and Vladimir from the Brimstone
Society, persuade her to join their battle
against the vampire army. Featuring Meat Loaf, Michael
Paré, and Udo Kier."
Is a review really
necessary? How good could it be?
Well, to tell the truth, it's
not as bad as the critics contended. In fact, I
think the film looks kind of cool. It is not a
good movie, but it is nowhere near bad enough to
be 34th worst of all time. It's just not the kind
of movie which would normally receive theatrical
distribution in the USA, and the fact that it did
get on 1000 screens, following fairly wide
distribution for other Uwe Boll films, probably
contributed to the particularly nasty reviews.
Theatrical critics don't usually get to see this
kind of film. If it had gone straight to video or
cable, it would have flown in under the critical
radar, and would never have landed on the IMDb
Bottom 100. It probably shouls be scored in the 4s
at IMDB, not in the 2s. In terms of BloodRayne's
visual appeal, it is not fair to compare Uwe to Ed
Wood. Wood's films are all jerry-built and cobbled
together from whatever he could use for free.
BloodRayne has some nice sets, some impressive
exterior shots actually filmed on location in the
Romanian countryside, and some crisp and clear
photography. On the other hand, the critics do
have some points when it comes to the silly
premise, the bad acting, and the ludicrous
dialogue. The script is so sloppy that one of the
important characters (played by Billy Zane) just
disappears without explanation, and his sub-plot
disappears with him. For the record, I'd say
BloodRayne is roughly comparable to the later
entries in the Deathstalker series in terms of its
script, but it is much "bigger" and slicker. If
you liked those, you will certainly enjoy this as
'Idol' Frozen Moment: Hasselhoff
Sheds A Tear
- "Cameras caught former Baywatch
icon and pop-star-in-his-own-right David Hasselhoff
misting up as silver-maned, low-grade seizure sufferer
Taylor Hicks was finally named this season's champion,
spilling the unselfconscious tears of one who realizes
he's witnessing the birth of another music career that
will only be properly appreciated in Germany."
A clip from Marie-Antoinette
The trailer from My Super
- Luke Wilson breaks up with his
girl (Uma Thurman) - but she's the secret identity of a
super hero, and she's not happy with the break-up.
Murder defendant tries to kill his
lawyer in court
- "My client? Your honor, he
wouldn't hurt a flea. OK, maybe a lawyer, but nothing
higher on the evolutionary ladder."
"Taxpayers owe more than a
half-million dollars per household for financial promises
made by government, mostly to cover the cost of retirement
benefits for baby boomers"
MPAA accused of hiring a hacker to
steal intellectual property
Advance Review of Will Ferrell's
- It seems that Will's losing
streak may be over. One hopes.
- Ultimate redneck Ricky Bobby
has two sons named "Walker" and "Texas Ranger"
O'Reilly: Young Americans have no
idea what's going on because they get their news from Jon
"Paul Newman says that he wants to
make one last movie, and he wants to make it with Robert
Summer Movie Preview (Part 1)
(From Cracked Magazine Online)
"Scarlett Johansson is Totally
Getting a Wedgie"
3 percent of Americans indicate they
generally trust Congress to act properly.
Jon Stewart's Commencement Address at
the college of Bill and Mary
(He's a graduate - class of '84)
Paris Hilton's breast falls out in
music video shoot
This is another real headline:
"Chimp poop reveals AIDS' origins"
This is an actual headline:
"Search for Jimmy Hoffa yields
- So far, they have found three
old sets of boots, a Captain Midnight decoder ring, a
1954 Yogi Berra card, and plenty of mud!
Brockton High School has banned
T-shirts with Sesame Street characters.
History Channel - Secret Societies -
Part 1 of 3,
Jessica Simpson update
- "Considering God gave her a
walnut for a brain, it's a wonder she's not covered in
burns from trying to shower in the oven."
Brittany Murphy sings!
"Aston Martin ALMS 'flew' 142 feet
during a practice lap at Mid-Ohio Raceway. That's longer
than the Wright brothers' first powered flight."
Sometimes I am reminded of why the
internet is a pretty cool thing ...
The Sedlec Ossuary - where human
bones become art
- Best setting for a horror or
supernatural movie .. EVER
- "The Sedlec Ossuary (a.k.a.
Kostnice) is a small Christian chapel decorated with
human bones. It's located in Sedlec, which is a suburb
in the outskirts of the Czech town Kutna Hora. In 1996 I
visited the place and fell madly in love with it."
Fabio stars in the Kitchen of Love
The trailers for the big screen
version of Strangers with Candy
(It was co-written by Stephen Colbert, who also has a
"Madonna has defended her crucifixion
stunt on her tour - saying Jesus wouldn't mind."
- How can she know what Jesus
would think? Hey, her name is Madonna.
- Knowing what Jesus thinks about
various things could be very valuable to the advertising
community. I wonder what his stance is on Diet Dr Pepper
Berries & Cream
ABC.com: Last Night's Episode of Lost
MLB To Place Asterisk, Pound Sign,
Exclamation Point, Letter 'F' Next To Bonds' Name In
The actual article from Tom DeLay's
website in which DeLay brags about his admirer, Stephen
Tom DeLay: Comedic Mastermind!!
- DeLay made the claim that noted
TV pundit Stephen Colbert defended him. (Which Colbert
did - speaking ironically, as always.) Apparently DeLay
is the only guy in America who thinks Colbert's
editorializing is sincere.
The intro to a Three's Company
Urban Legends Reference Pages:
(Mister Ed is a Horse Racist???)
"48 page Standard Operating Procedure
for Disneyland's Pirates of the Caribbean."
Nine clips from The Break-Up
(Comedy with Aniston and Vince Vaughn)
BIN LADEN FURIOUS AT AMERICAN IDOL
FOR TROUNCING HIM IN RATINGS
... Orders Global Jihad Against Popular Songfest
A great moment from Australian Live
Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format.
Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.
Dr Lamb (1992)
Dr. Lamb, aka Dr. Lam, aka Gou yeung yi sang, is the story of an actual
Hong Kong serial killer, and tested the boundaries of the then-new Category
Three rating. Taxi driver Lam Gor Yu grew up with a father who didn't waste
much time thinking about him, a step-mother who picked at him constantly, and
half-brothers and sisters who picked on him. When the Kowloon Kodak lab became
concerned about photos of severed breasts and alerted the police, they
arrested Yu, and finally beat him into confessing. Once he started talking, he
didn't shut up, and admitted murdering four women, acting on orders from God
to punish bad women.
After killing his victims, he would photograph them, sometimes rape their
dead bodies, and mutilate them, always cutting off their breasts and pickling
them. This was handled very graphically in the film with an expensive dummy,
and we actually see him make an incision in the breast, causing blood to
spurt. The film is mostly chilling, except for some humor injected to lighten
the tone somewhat. Most of the comic relief was provided by policeman Fat
Bing, and timid policewoman Emily Kwan.
As an example, Bing accidently breaks a jar with a pickled breast, and is
temporarily blinded by the pickling juice. When he is told what it is that he
is holding, a severed breast, it lands on the back of Emily Kwan. She goes
crazy, and grabs Fat Bing, leading to a good Flubtitle:
<Insert Flubtitle 6>
That same severed breast makes an appearance in one of Lam's videos of his
exploits, and it is anything but humorous when he cuts it off and drops it in
There are other worthy flubtitles here to enjoy.
I have no idea what aspersing in front of an aunt is, but it
doesn't sound good.
Exploding significant others can be a huge social problem.
Read him his rights, Fat Bing.
This film was heavily cut for its Hong Kong theatrical release, even as a
Category Three, and was also cut in most foreign markets. The DVD version I
screened is nearly a director's cut, with most of the gore back in.
If extreme gore, or realistic serial killer films are your thing, you will
want this in your collection. I have become rather jaded from venturing
frequently into offbeat horror films, but some scenes in this one made me
cringe. It doesn't just relate the facts, it shows the actual horror of
what this man did, and Lam Gor Yu was played brilliantly by Simon Yam,
whom you might remember from John Woo's The Killer. . The genre is serial
killer films, and this is a C+. IMDb readers say 6.1.
Dann reports on Battle in Heaven:
relationships are a bitch, and this 2005 drama shows that in a most
Marcos is a driver for a general and his
daughter, for many years. To make extra money, Marcos and his wife kidnap
a baby for ransom, but things go wrong when the baby dies. Marcos is
stricken with guilt.
Ana, the general's daughter, is a
prostitute for fun. She doesn't need the money, but she enjoys the sex.
Besides being her driver, Marcos is also a non-paying customer, and her
friend. He confides the crime to her, and she encourages him to turn
himself in to the police. Marco's wife urges him to kill Ana, to protect
Things don't end happily in this one, but
the story's interesting and shocking, and the sex is very explicit. A
worthwhile if hard-edged effort.
Melanie Griffith's full frontal nudity in The
Paris Hilton's breast falls out during a video
Jill Hennessey accidentally flashes some nipple
action in Counterstrike
Turns out this capture from Lucky Number Slevin is actually
Shyra Leigh, not Janet Lane
Pat's comments in yellow...
Wednesday, Arizona Gov. Janet Napolitano signed a
bill that makes bestiality a crime. The need for the law came to light after a
Mesa deputy fire chief was accused of having sex with his neighbor's lamb, and
it was discovered that it was a felony only if a minor was present. He was
charged with misdemeanor disorderly conduct, trespassing and public indecency,
so he was able to file for retirement pay from the fire department.
* He felt a little sheepish, but he did it.
House party leaders Dennis Hastert and Nancy Pelosi demanded that the FBI return
evidence they seized from Rep. William Jefferson's office, claiming it's
unconstitutional for Congress members to face search warrants, even though
Jefferson refused to cooperate
* Hastert also
denied an ABC story that the investigation involves him,
too...He just happened to be spending the weekend cleaning out his office