"The L Word"

The L Word (2004) Episodes 5 and 6. Well, I went through all 16 terrible horror films, and only a few had nudity. It is probably a sign of my depravity that I didn't think one of them was that bad. It was Called The Devils Hand, and was watchable, even without nudity. At any rate, it is back to the carpet munchers.

Episode 5 is the worst so far for nudity, with just a headless nip slip from Mia Kirshner. She does a lengthy topless scene in Episode 6, but again provides the only exposure. Some things actually happen to advance the plot in these two, and several new characters are introduced. Laurel Holleman's character manages to get pregnant, the tennis pro finally gets laid, and Kirchner is caught by her boyfriend with Karina Lombard's face buried in her crotch. We meet Beals father, an uptight conservative, and the actress mother of another character.

It still didn't add up to two hours of excitement. This will be continued, but I can already say Queer as Folk was far more entertaining, as it was liberally sprinkled with humor. This one takes itself way too seriously.

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  • Mia Kirshner (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    Diamond Hunters (2001)

    What was the use of my having come from Oakland it was not natural to have come from there yes write about it if I like or anything if I like but not there, there is no there there.

    --- GERTRUDE STEIN, Everybody’s Autobiography, p. 289 (1937, reprinted 1971) ---

    Diamond Hunters was probably a big hit in Oakland, because there isn't much there there either. Two half-brothers struggle for control of a diamond empire in South Africa. It's your basic nighttime soap opera with rich people struggling for power, scheming, and playing musical beds. In fact, it was a mini-series which has been condensed from 180 minutes to 101 to make it a movie-length DVD.

    Dynasty and Dallas became popular television shows because viewers watched them regularly and established an identification with the characters. Imagine if you had never watched an episode of Dallas and then just caught one in the middle of the series. Do you think it would be very interesting? Well, you can find out if you care to. Duplicate that exact experience by watching this film full of B-list actors, which has conveniently been transferred to DVD to create the maximum soap opera atmosphere in your living room or den.

    This thing is pure drivel which tested my limited tolerance for hack jobs. I'll call it a D, but I wish it had starred Jeff Fahey, so I could give it a G. (For you newbies: our rating system goes from A to F except for films with Fahey, which may go to G.)

    • Here's Star Trek babe Jolene Blalock, (1, 2, 3, 4, 5) who managed to do two nude scenes without really showing much of anything. Looks like she has a helluva body. I think we'd really appreciate it, if she ever decides to let some lights hit it. (She has shown her buns elsewhere.)



    When Will I Be Loved? (2004)

    Haven't seen it. Made these from somebody else's anonymous captures from a screener.

    • Neve Campbell (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)



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    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.


    Words, pictures, and vids from ICMS

    l'Amour en douce (1985)

    Jean-Pierre Marielle is an excellent and prolific French actor who is in fact one lucky bastard. Since about 25 years he gets parts in films in which he very often gets to see at least one of the actresses naked, many of them household names in France and abroad. One example of his luck is the 1985 film "l'Amour en douce" where he accidently runs in on Emmanuelle Béart in the shower. JP isn't out of luck however and about an hour later in the movie he stumbles upon Sophie Barjac who has just reconciled with her on-screen husband Daniel Auteuil who had a fling with Béart who was married to Auteuil in real life from 1993 to 1995. But now I'm confusing fiction and reality, so I'll stop here. Em' shows us breasts and buns, Soph' bares all 3 B's.


    Unter die Haut (1997)


    Now we cross the Rhine and take a close look at Bojana Golenac in 1997's Unter die Haut (Under the Skin). May I suggest you turn up the brightness level of your monitor and play part of this clip in slow motion. The reason for this suggestion is to be found in the very first collage from this film in Bojana's own volume in the Encyclopedia. This will show you that you can indeed take a very close look at this German actress, much closer than she may have suspected when this scene was shot.
    In case you hadn't noticed, Golanac uses the gun to warn her lover not to "come" prematurely...Would you still dare?
    'Clips and comments by AAA

    I have always been a big fan of Joan Severance, so when I found that I could get a DVD of Lake Consequence from Austraila, I jumped at the chance. I have made a number of clips from it, and, while they aren't great, they are better than anything I've seen around up until now.

    With part part one, we'll kick things off with the 'clips of Joan topless and gettin' it on with Billy Zane.

    • Joan Severance zipped divx .avis (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    'Caps and comments by Hankster:

    On our trip back from yesterday in the old time machine we also stopped off in 1984 to visit another "Damsel in Distress", Marina Sirtis in "Blind Date".

    The Trek babe played a hooker who gets topless, then tied up by the killer and menaced with a knife.

    • Marina Sirtis (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    On the lighter side, Sonya Salomaa shows tits and a short skirt from last year's "House of the Dead".

    • Sonya Salomaa (1, 2, 3, 4)

    'Caps and comments by Vejiita:

    Here are some 'caps of "Desperate Housewives" babe Eva Longoria in scenes the very bad movie "Señorita Justice". Of course with that title I wasn't expecting anything good.

    Eva shows plenty of cleavage, wears many tight tops and even does a very dark, wanna-be-like-Desperado-sex-scene.

    Neve Campbell
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14)

    Coming to DVD January 25, 2005...Here is the "Scream" and "Party of Five" babe baring breasts and bum in scenes from "When Will I Be Loved".

    Elisabeth Shue
    (1, 2, 3, 4)

    Señor Skin 'caps of the "Leaving Las Vegas" and "Hollow Man" star showing just a bit of nipple in scenes from "Blind Justice" (1994).

    Pat Reeder
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    His Replacement: Sean Connery - Tuesday, Utah computer programmer Ken Jennings finally lost on "Jeopardy!" after 74 shows and $2,520,700 in winnings He lost to a former actress from California who said most competitors hoped to come in second, while she psyched herself up by repeating, "Someone's got to beat him sometime, it might as well be me." Jennings lost on the Final Jeopardy answer, "Most of this firm's 70,000 seasonal white collar employees work only four months a year." He said, "What is Federal Express?," but it was H&R Block income tax preparers.

  • Jeez, what a moron!
  • If he'd just held out until April 15, he would've known all about H&R Block.
  • On the bright side, he'll now be working only two months a year.
  • He lost to an actress from California?! Okay, it HAD to be rigged!

    Flaky! - The ultimate "comfort food" chain, Cereality, opens its first sit-down restaurant today at the University of Pennsylvania in Philadelphia. It serves 33 brands of cereals, plus toppings from bananas to malted milk balls. For $2.95, you get a scoop of any two cereals mixed together, plus a topping and as much milk as you want, white or chocolate, in a special takeaway milkproof container. The staffers all wear pajamas. Backers are putting them near colleges because cereal is the current student food fad, plus it allows customer to reconnect with their inner child.

  • ...After a night of boozing and hot sex.
  • News flash: if you're a college student who lives on breakfast cereal, you still ARE your inner child.
  • If you eat Cap'n Crunch mixed with Sugar Smacks in chocolate milk with malted milk balls on top, you'll be reconnecting with the toilet.
  • But mostly they're backing it because they don't have to hire cooks.
  • If you tip the waitress extra, she'll turn on "Pee Wee's Playhouse" and warn you not to miss the school bus.

    Does She Swallow? - Victoria's Secret supermodel Heidi "The Body" Klum has signed a two-year deal to endorse McDonald's. McDonald's says Klum was picked because she's a young mother and represents a modern lifestyle. Klum recently had a daughter just months after the dad, racing tycoon Flavio Briatore, dumped her. Klum says she maintains her figure with exercise, rest and healthy eating, "but I also like to have a good time and have an occasional glass of wine or French fries."

  • But instead of a Quarter Pounder, she orders the 1/300th Pounder.
  • But she's careful: Flavio dumped her because she gained a pound.
  • If they want "The Body" that best represents the McDonald's lifestyle, hire Michael Moore.