The L Word (2004) Episodes 5 and 6. Well, I went through all 16 terrible horror films, and only a few had nudity. It is probably a sign of my depravity that I didn't think one of them was that bad. It was Called The Devils Hand, and was watchable, even without nudity. At any rate, it is back to the carpet munchers.

Episode 5 is the worst so far for nudity, with just a headless nip slip from Mia Kirshner. She does a lengthy topless scene in Episode 6, but again provides the only exposure. Some things actually happen to advance the plot in these two, and several new characters are introduced. Laurel Holleman's character manages to get pregnant, the tennis pro finally gets laid, and Kirchner is caught by her boyfriend with Karina Lombard's face buried in her crotch. We meet Beals father, an uptight conservative, and the actress mother of another character.

It still didn't add up to two hours of excitement. This will be continued, but I can already say Queer as Folk was far more entertaining, as it was liberally sprinkled with humor. This one takes itself way too seriously.

Diamond Hunters (2001)

 

What was the use of my having come from Oakland it was not natural to have come from there yes write about it if I like or anything if I like but not there, there is no there there.

--- GERTRUDE STEIN, Everybody’s Autobiography, p. 289 (1937, reprinted 1971) ---

Diamond Hunters was probably a big hit in Oakland, because there isn't much there there either. Two half-brothers struggle for control of a diamond empire in South Africa. It's your basic nighttime soap opera with rich people struggling for power, scheming, and playing musical beds. In fact, it was a mini-series which has been condensed from 180 minutes to 101 to make it a movie-length DVD.

Dynasty and Dallas became popular television shows because viewers watched them regularly and established an identification with the characters. Imagine if you had never watched an episode of Dallas and then just caught one in the middle of the series. Do you think it would be very interesting? Well, you can find out if you care to. Duplicate that exact experience by watching this film full of B-list actors, which has conveniently been transferred to DVD to create the maximum soap opera atmosphere in your living room or den.

This thing is pure drivel which tested my limited tolerance for hack jobs. I'll call it a D, but I wish it had starred Jeff Fahey, so I could give it a G. (For you newbies: our rating system goes from A to F except for films with Fahey, which may go to G.)

• Here's Star Trek babe Jolene Blalock, (1, 2, 3, 4, 5) who managed to do two nude scenes without really showing much of anything. Looks like she has a helluva body. I think we'd really appreciate it, if she ever decides to let some lights hit it. (She has shown her buns elsewhere.)

When Will I Be Loved? (2004)

Haven't seen it. Made these from somebody else's anonymous captures from a screener.

• Neve Campbell (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

Other Crap:

• The good news: The luminescent thong will be available by December 18th of 2004.
• The bad news:  Bidding has closed on the crocheted vagina.
• The Worst TV Dinner Ever
• The first images from The Ring 2
• Mike Newell talks about Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.
• Kazaa mounts the Betamax defense: "Lawyers for the file-swapping service Kazaa argued in an Australian court Monday that its software is analogous to the old Betamax videocassette recorders. "
• China is blocking access to Google News.
• Here is the clip of Ken Jennings finally losing on Jeopardy!
• Who's ahead in the Oscar derby? The National Board of Review picked Jamie Foxx, Annette Bening, and Finding Neverland.
• The teaser-trailer for The Silencer: "The Silencer is part of a new breed of British action movie, and stars Glenn Salvage as Michael Eastman as a special narcotics officer who is shot and disabled in the line of duty as part of a set up. The Silencer features brutal Hong Kong style fight choreography of the like that has never been seen before in such a production."
• The Weekly World News summarizes their favoriite "stupid laws". In Oregon, donut holes must be at least an 1/8th inch in diameter!
• Ohio has ruled that it's legal to kill a mime. It's about damned time. I was wondering how long we would continue to maintain the hypocrisy that it's OK to kill unborn children, but not OK to kill mimes. As if mimes were somehow more human than fetuses! Perhaps we will now be able to move to the truly sensible modern position, where killing mimes is not only allowed, but encouraged! We would have a mime-hunting season, just as we do for deer.
• 2004 Canada State Visit: President Bush's Statement Advising People of Canadia to Lose the Attitude And Make Like a Nice Little 51st State. - (WHITEHOUSE.ORG)
• IN TEARFUL RESIGNATION, RIDGE ADMITS HE IS COLOR BLIND. Choosing Terror Alerts Was "A Living Hell".
• Sundance announces this year's line-up, including two new categories for "world cinema".
• The city laws of Provo, Utah forbid keeping a dog and a cat in the same house.
• 20 year old's television sent out a distress signal that was picked up by an orbiting satellite.
• Important info leaked. A white gentleman's urinal has been named the most influential modern art work of all time by British art experts, thus demonstrating that their expertise wasn't even worth a shit. Frankly, this choice pissed me off.
• Nicole Kidman and Sean Penn as action stars? The trailer from The Interpreter. (It is actually an interesting trailer! Well worth a peek.)
• Four free videos from Playboy's Beach Babes!
• Playmate Gallery - Brooke Berry - May 2000 - Courtesy of PlayboyPlus.com!
• Overnight - Trailers & Clips. A documentary about the rise and fall of Troy Duffy, a bartender whose script for "The Boondock Saints" was picked up by Harvey Weinstein of Miramax and made into a film. Duffy subsequently burns every bridge and alienates most of his friends.
• The Daily Show covers the most important story of the year - Julia Roberts's twins
• For those interested: The Bam Margera -Jenn Rivell Sex Tape
• In case the one above fails you, here's one more link to the Bam Magera sex vid
• Kirsten Dunst + a flimsy sundress + a rainstorm + no bra + hi-res photography = magic. She doesn't believe in bras. Bless her heart - and the surrounding area.
• Magnificent pictures from the Gigapxl Project. If you are a photography buff, be sure to click on "project overview" to read about the details. I'm NOT, and I still found it fascinating.
• Matt Damon will replace Leonardo DiCaprio in Robert De Niro's passion project 'The Good Shepherd'. A history of the CIA as seen through the eyes of a career agent, the film was already in pre-production. However, with a budget north of $110 million, the financing dried up, and new talks are in the works.
• Five new pictures from the set of the Cruise/Spielberg production, 'War of the Worlds'
• The Sacred Cheese Sandwich makes it way through Texas.
• Four clips, the trailer and an interview regarding Beyond the Sea, the new Bobby Darin biopic starring and directed by Kevin Spacey
• You think YOU have too much time on your hands? How about these people who built a scale model of Hooterville. Da-da-da-da-da, THE CHORES!
• Welcome to The SNL Archives! "Welcome to the most comprehensive Saturday Night Live reference site on the web! Here, you will find searchable documentation on anything and everything related to SNL, including episodes, cast members, guests, recurring characters, impressions, and recurring sketches."
• The classic SNL skit about the "all drug" Olympics
• SNL Weekend Update highlights from the Luke Wilson show.
• (WTF??) URINETOWN: The Musical
• IRAN SEEKS PERMISSION TO MAKE TEENY TINY NUCLEAR WEAPONS
• Pamela Anderson to star in a new sitcom
• The cutting edge of technology: In South Korea, e-mail is only for old people. And in Soviet Russia, the old people ARE the e-mail. Party officials just write a message on their wrinkled foreheads and tell them to take the subway to the recipient. And the people there never use CD's. Here in America you burn CD's, but in Soviet Russia, the CD's burn you! Oops. For a moment there I thought I was Yakov Smirnoff. Just for fun, here is an entire page dedicated to "In Soviet Russia" jokes based on Smirnoff's inspiration.
• Christmas songs for the mentally disturbed.
• The 'Jeopardy' nerd finally loses. Total take: two and a half million!
• 'Blog' is the No. 1 word of the year.
• What if the NFL used the BCS system to determine a champion?
• Harold Ramis creating secret new comedy project with Owen Wilson.
• OK, this one is just for you really serious baseball nuts, like me. A scholar has just written The American Indian Integration of Baseball, a book which is the first to document many aspects of the struggle of native Americans to play the American game. The link leads to the press release, because I'm a good SABR soldier, dammit! (If you're a baseball fanatic, you'll even enjoy the press release.)
• Well, there may still be a few key things to iron out in that UK-USA merger. British equivalent of the FCC rules that it's OK to give a pig a hand-job on TV.
  • The Telly Lords (headed of course, by Telly Lord Savalas) wanted everyone to know that this was a very narrow ruling which did not apply to blow-jobs, or even to hand-jobs for other animals.
  • Better than that, it only applies to "minor celebrities"! "British television watchdogs ruled today that a pig sexually pleasured on television by a minor celebrity did not feel degraded by the experience." Interesting legal distinction to specify "minor". I wonder if their ruling would have been different if it had been a major celebrity. As of now, the rule of thumb is this: (a) Pig hand-job from Roy "Chubby" Brown: OK. (b) Pig hand-job from Hugh Grant or Becks: right out.
• Behind the Scenes Pics From Terry Gilliam's Tideland!
• JoBlo.com visits the set of The Chronicles of Narnia.
• Do you look without seeing? ...glance without noticing? This tests your powers of observation, using an extremely common object - an ordinary penny. Do NOT look at a real penny first. See if you can pick the correct one here. The number of people who did not choose the correct one is surprising.
• Anna Benson: baseball's hottest wife.. The former model and stripper who is married to Mets pitcher Kris Benson, vowed yesterday that if she ever catches her husband cheating, she'll have sex with all his teammates. "Mike Piazza just did a back flip" joked Howard Stern.
• The trailer for The Assassination of Richard Nixon, a rumored award contender starring Sean Penn and Naomi Watts.
• Very sexy new Christian Dior commercial with Charlize Theron.

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Words, pictures, and vids from ICMS
 

l'Amour en douce (1985)

I have always been a big fan of Joan Severance, so when I found that I could get a DVD of Lake Consequence from Austraila, I jumped at the chance. I have made a number of clips from it, and, while they aren't great, they are better than anything I've seen around up until now.

With part part one, we'll kick things off with the 'clips of Joan topless and gettin' it on with Billy Zane.

• Joan Severance zipped divx .avis (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

Scoops,
On our trip back from yesterday in the old time machine we also stopped off in 1984 to visit another "Damsel in Distress", Marina Sirtis in "Blind Date".

The Trek babe played a hooker who gets topless, then tied up by the killer and menaced with a knife.

• Marina Sirtis (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

On the lighter side, Sonya Salomaa shows tits and a short skirt from last year's "House of the Dead".

• Sonya Salomaa (1, 2, 3, 4)

Scoops,
Here are some 'caps of "Desperate Housewives" babe Eva Longoria in scenes the very bad movie "Señorita Justice". Of course with that title I wasn't expecting anything good.

Eva shows plenty of cleavage, wears many tight tops and even does a very dark, wanna-be-like-Desperado-sex-scene.

• Eva Longoria (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)

"JEOPARDY" WHIZ FINALLY LOSES
His Replacement: Sean Connery - Tuesday, Utah computer programmer Ken Jennings finally lost on "Jeopardy!" after 74 shows and $2,520,700 in winnings He lost to a former actress from California who said most competitors hoped to come in second, while she psyched herself up by repeating, "Someone's got to beat him sometime, it might as well be me." Jennings lost on the Final Jeopardy answer, "Most of this firm's 70,000 seasonal white collar employees work only four months a year." He said, "What is Federal Express?," but it was H&R Block income tax preparers.