"Royal Deceit"

Royal Deceit (1994) is the Hamlet story, but supposedly from the original Danish legend. Hamlet is called Amled, but his uncle murdered his father the king and his older brother, stole the crown, and married his mother (Helen Mirren). Amled pretends to be mad after the ghost of his father fills him in on what happened, and gets him to swear revenge. You haven't lived till you've heard Christian Bale (as Amled) bark like a dog and crow like a rooster to convince everyone of his insanity. The king catches on that he is a threat, and sends him to a friend in England, with orders to kill him, but Amled is smarter than that.

This is like the nursery rhyme version of Hamlet. If Shakespeare started with this, then he was even more talented than I thought. TO further insult my intelligence, they have voice over explaining even very obvious things. The good news is the nudity. Mirren shows a flash of bush on her way to the sauna, and then breasts in the sauna. Saskia Wickham shows breasts in the sauna, then again after she seduces Amled, and then we see her buns in a dark hayloft sex scene. Several other women show breasts in the sauna scene.

IMDB readers have this at 4.8 of 10. The film seemed aimed at a ten year old level of understanding, indeed, it felt at times like a grade school pageant, so the nudity was incongruous. This is barely a C-.

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  • Helen Mirren (1, 2, 3)
  • Saskia Wickham (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14)
  • Unknown (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    Rowing With The Wind (1988)

     ... I can review that film in five words, Johnny.

     ... OK, contestant, "review that film"

    Hugh Grant as Lord Byron

    I don't think you need Roger Friggin' Ebert to tell you that's gotta suck Slurpee out of the Super Big Gulp cup.

    This movie won the Goya for Best Director in 1988, so I have to believe that at least one of the following things must be true:

    1. There was an epidemic of mass insanity in Spain in 1988, probably caused by LSD in the drinking water.

    2. The cut from the 126 minute Spanish running length to the 95 minutes on the DVD must have destroyed any value this film had.

    I discussed it here, in some depth, with pictures.

    • Elizabeth Hurley (1, 2, 3)
    • Lizzy McInnerney (1, 2)
    • Emma Amos (1, 2)



    More pics:

    • Jennifer Coolidge (Stifler's Mom) at the premiere of American Wedding (1, 2, 3)
    • These might or might not be Judi Dench in Langrishe go Down (1, 2, 3). I can't verify that these are what they are supposed to be. Maybe one of you can help out.
    • For comparison, here is Dame Dench in Midsummer Night's Dream, ten years earlier (1, 2, 3). Since her breasts seem firmer in 1978 than 1968, I'm suspicious, but the Langrishe pictures definitely look like her.



    Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.



    days left until International Talk Like a Pirate Day (Sept 19)



    Here are the latest movie reviews available at

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    'Caps and comments by Dann:


    Three days in the life of a Meth user and his speeded up friends. After a college drop-out gets involved with a Meth cooker, things just go into a frenzied, sleepless downward spiral.

    This movie doesn't glamorize drug use, but from what I've read about the effects of Meth, it's apparently a pretty accurate portrayal. In any case, the movie is dark and disturbing, but also interesting. The acting is fantastic. All in all, a great movie

    You'll see tons of caps of Chloe Hunter because she did full-frontal nudity, but Brittany Murphy looked very sexy in several scenes, although she did no nudity.

    Charlotte Ayanna had a very small part, but she's so beautiful, and showing major pokers, so it would have been a shame not to cap her.

    Be sure to get the unrated version of this movie. For the R-rated version, instead of cutting out a few seconds as they would normally do, they used blur boxes and black boxes to cut out the bad stuff....really annoying.

    Cameron Diaz
    (1, 2)

    Diaz and the other Angels plus the Olsen twins posing for the paparazzi. The Angels show cleavage, and Cameron let's a nipple fall out (looks like the tape didn't hold up). #2 is a larger version of the nip slip with just Diaz.

    Kari Wuhrer
    (1, 2, 3, 4)

    The long time B-movie favorite baring her beautiful bum and briefly showing off her former-robo-hooters in scenes with a lesser Baldwin from "Spider's Web" (2001). Vidcaps by DeVo.

    Barbara Carrera
    (1, 2)

    The former Bond babe topless, showing off a great thong view in scenes from "Point of Impact" aka "Spanish Rose" (1993).

    JoBeth Williams The "Poltergeist" star baring most of her bod in scenes from "Kramer vs. Kramer (1979). Excellent rear nudity, brief breast exposure and only a hand keeps her from going full frontal.

    Julie Delpy
    (1, 2)

    Topless in scenes from the Roger Avary movie "Killing Zoe" (1994).

    Ashlie Rhey
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16)

    'Caps by the Skin-man of the model, member of the Wings tribute band Plasticwings, and a Skinemax regular throughout the 90's. Here she is baring breasts and bum while staring in the 1995 late night flick "Prelude to Love" (1995).

    "Gigli" News
    We're #1!
    "Gigli" is now the #1 worst movie at IMDb

    Note to studio execs...this movie may not really be the worst film ever made, but it is proof that there are only so many crappy movies you can dump on the public before they fight back!

    Now that he no longer has to promote the movie, Affleck says the movie "...Didn't Work". Also stating:

    "You work just as hard on a good movie as on a bad one. We tried to fix it. But it was like putting a fish's tail and a donkey's head."

    Also from IMDb news:

    Sony Cuts TV Ads for "Gigli"
    Sony has been making hurried efforts to cut its losses from Gigli, pulling midweek ads from newspapers and asking TV stations and networks to substitute spots for Bad Boys II in place of those for the Jennifer Lopez-Ben Affleck bomb, the New York Daily News reported today (Monday). "They're making every effort to pull advertising," a network exec told the newspaper.

    Assorted Triva:
    The "Gigli" budget was $54 million, and almost half of that was for Ben and Jen.

    Affleck's salary: $12.5 million
    J-Lo's salary: $12 million.

    Personally, I think the studio needs to cancel those checks.

    Pat Reeder
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    I'm A Serious Journalist! - After leaving Fox Sports Net's "Best Damn Sports Show Ever," sports babe Lisa Guerrero posed for sexy photos for FHM magazine. She didn't know she would then be hired as the sideline reporter for ABC's "Monday Night Football." Guerrero asked FHM to reshoot a more tasteful spread, saying that when she posed, she thought she was going to become an actress, not a reporter. But FHM refused. Their editor-in-chief told TV Guide, "Come on, she put on the lingerie."

  • Well, she about half put it on...
  • And it was the best damn lingerie ever!
  • ABC actually fears that seeing her half-naked will KEEP men from tuning in?

    Any Topless Photos Of Her At Age Three? - Monday, a California judge ordered topless modeling photos of Cameron Diaz at age 21 sealed until after a hearing on her bid to keep the photographer from selling them.

  • They'll be sealed in the judge's chambers, with the judge.
  • He sealed them with a kiss.
  • If you want to see Cammie topless, you'll just have to get an Internet connection.

    Straight To The Top! - "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" is the biggest TV hit of the summer. Ratings for episode four on Bravo were up 62 percent from last week. Retailers are clamoring to buy product placements, with Whitestrips tooth whiteners and Disaronno Originale Amaretto already on the show. And NBC plans to air a "Queer Eye" network special on August 14 in which the gay cast does a makeover on pizza-scarfing grease-monkey, Jay Leno.

  • They won't be satisfied until he does SOMETHING about that chin!
  • They have as much chance of teaching Jay Leno how to be hip as he does of teaching them how to rebuild carburetors.
  • Other networks want to rip it off, but a show with five lesbians doing makeovers on a straight woman wouldn't work.