"No Small Affair"
No Small Affair (1984) is essentially a sappy adolescent romantic comedy. However, that is just the plot. Starting with that, they hired an amazing cast, wrote some brilliant dialogue, used Vilmos Zsigmond as DP, filmed in a very picturesque city, San Francisco, and dubbed the sound track with real musicians. Jon Cryer is a junior in High School. Although he is not completely unaware of girls, his passion is photography. As the film opens, he is shooting on a wharf, and asks a couple to get out of his shot. Seems he doesn't relate much to people and never photographs them.
When he gets home, he finds that he has photographed the woman, and falls in love with her from the picture. He now has two obsessions, saving enough money to move to Milan and become a photographer, and finding this girl. Meanwhile, his brother arrives with a new girl on his arm, and announces that they will be married in two weeks. The couple drag him to North Beach for a night on the town, and he finally gets into one club with a fake ID. The lead singer is the girl he has been looking for, Demi Moore.
A word or two about North Beach is in order here, for those not familiar with it. In the late 60s, it was an entertainment Mecca, with a full range of nightspots, including Carol Doda's Condor club, The Hungry i folk club (with the likes of The Kingston Trio and Peter, Paul and Mary regularly appearing), The Committee (an improv theater), Casa Madrid (flamenco guitar and dancers, and cheap sangria by the pitcher) and a couple of adult theaters. The area shifted quickly in the 70s to become primarily adult entertainment. By the time this film was made, it was one of the topless/bottomless capitals of the United States. Today, I only notice one remaining strip club -- the Hungry i. All of which shows the economics that club owner George Wendt was facing with an unknown singer in an unknown band. He had to compete with all the strip clubs to sell booze, or he was out of business. It is no wonder that, when the lead guitar player (and Moore's boyfriend) quit the band and accepted a studio musician job in LA, Wendt fired the group. Cryer desperately wants to help Moore, and win her heart. His big move backfires at first, when it doesn't immediately have the intended effect.
I mentioned a great cast, which included, Demi Moore, George Wendt, Jennifer Tilly and Peter Freshette. Here was my favorite bit of dialogue.
He: "What size is your bra?"
She: "Multiply the length of your dick by ten, then add your IQ."
He, using all ten fingers trying to figure it out: "I ask her a simple question, and she gives me a math problem."
We see one of Moore's breasts through a bed frame, and Judy Baldwin shows breasts as a hooker hired for a bachelor party. IMDb readers have this at 5.0 of 10. Were it not for the strengths mentioned at the start of this review, this would be a disaster, but it is more or less watchable, if not especially believable. C-.
Suburban Nightmare (2004) is a very dark story of a marriage in trouble. What makes it unique is that the couple are serial killers. She is naturally sadistic, he is controlling. She keeps a pet woman in the basement, he uses a recent victim as the meat portion of spaghetti sauce. At one point, he rents her a stripper. When the stripper (Denise Clewis) also attracts the husband, the wife kills her with a knife. The film opens with the wife returning from the supermarket, and the husband arguing with her because she forgot they were having dinner guests. It seems like a normal troubled marriage, until the guests are poisoned for desert.
Clewis is seen dancing in a thong. There is only one review at IMDb and it is very positive. The only comment at IMDb is also very positive, and 5 of the 7 voters give it a 10. The other two award a 1. IMDb averages this at 7.4. Maybe I am way too suspicious, but the votes and comment look a little like official publicity to me. Debbie Rochon wrote the story, and Rochon was to star, but was injured, so the lead went to Brandy Little. The husband was played by Trent Haaga. This was shot on digital video over a two week period in one house. Most of those involved worked free. You could look at it as a commentary about modern marriage, a horror film, or a dark comedy. The DVD is loaded, with commentary, bloopers, behind the scenes, a music video, etc. I really found it unmatchable, but I suppose it could be me. It is very dark and very talky, with truly demented characters. If this is your sort of film, you might give it a try when it is released on the 29th of this month. I will call it a low C-.
|Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
Cold Mountain (2003)
Cold Mountain, according to some critics, is the Homeric tale of The
Odyssey relocated to the era of the American Civil War.
This is the kind of thing that
critics say when they want to impress you with their knowledge of
classical literature. Personally, I don't much care for classical
literature. When I was studying The Aeneid, I could never get past
that part about singing of the arms and the man, because I wanted to
know the tune. Should I sing of arms and the man separately, or
together, and in which key? I would tell you that I tried to sing of
arms and the man to the tune of The Whiffenpoof Song, but I'm afraid
that you'd too soon determine that I just like to use the word "whiffenpoof".
So what does Cold Mountain have to do
with The Odyssey? Well, a guy leaves a war to return to his faithful
beloved. Along the way he has many distracting adventures, each of
which is a separate episode only peripherally related to his trek
home, and ...
Oh, let's face it, the Odyssey thing
is just a red herring meant to distract you from the fact that this
movie is The English Patient filmed over again with different
costumes. A guy fights against all obstacles to return to his true
beloved. In fact, this one is like several English Patients, because
Jude Law plays a Confederate soldier who gets wounded at Petersburg,
and his wounds keep re-infecting. Therefore, he is tended not by one
compassionate nurse, but by several along the way as he meanders
home and keeps passing out. Jude feigns more unconsciousness in this
one movie than Iron Mike Sharpe did in his entire winless wrestling
career. No matter where Jude passes out, women want to nurse him
back to health. Contrary to Dr. Kissinger's famous aphorism,
it seems that fainting, not power, is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
Important lesson: you might think
about a sling and a fake cast the next time you want to get laid.
Provided you look like Jude Law.
I did learn one thing from this
movie. No matter how hard times got during the Civil War, even when
there was money for neither food nor clothing, Nicole Kidman always
had enough Confederate money set aside for make-up. She would never
be seen without eyeliner and a little rouge. You have to admire
that. A gal has to look her best when starving to death and
shivering in the cold. Amazingly, Kidman looked perfect in every
frame, except maybe for an occasional loose strand of hair which
only served to make her seem more relaxed and beautiful. About 11
years pass between the earliest and latest scenes in this film, yet
Kidman never ages one day, and actually looks much better after the
war than before it. Man, I never guessed that the Civil War was the
ultimate beauty treatment. Those guys who do Civil War re-enactments
should consider supporting their costs by marketing the hardship as
a budget alternative to a spa.
Like The English Patient, this is a
big retro romance which looks great, and goes on far too long. It is
the kind of shamelessly corny romantic film that Hollywood made
before the cultural revolution in the late 60s. Unfortunately, the
male star (Jude Law) has the looks for the job, but is lacking in the energy that old-time
Hollywood stars would have brought to the role. Let's face it,
Clark Gable simply shows more vitality and personality than Jude Law.
And I'm talking now,
after a forty year dirt nap, Gable still shows more life than Jude.
Of course, I don't know how much life Jude could have shown in this
movie when his entire role consisted of short bursts of wakefulness
before passing out.
The best news in this film is that
the supporting players are colorful and entertaining. Philip Seymour
Hoffman, Renee Zellweger, and others provide some much-need
relief from Law's tedious and oblique peregrinations toward Kidman.
Even Natalie Portman delivers a competent performance, which is very good news indeed for those of us who had come to believe
that her abysmal, wooden performances in those Star Wars pictures
represented the true level of her adult acting skills.
If you liked The English Patient, or if you hated
it, you'll feel the same toward this film. Great production values,
old-fashioned love story, same writer/director. I'm not inclined to like that kind of
film, but I would have enjoyed this one if it had been about 30
It's a pretty impressive DVD - they did it up right.
DVD info from Amazon
Commentary by writer/director
Anthony Minghella and editor Walter Murch
"Climbing Cold Mountain"
- documentary (70 minutes)
"A Journey to Cold Mountain"
- making-of featurette (28 minutes)
11 deleted scenes - more than 20 minutes of
footage (sorry, no additional nudity)
"Words & Music of Cold
Mountain" Royce Hall Special concert (90 minutes)
"Sacred Harp History" - musical
influences and roots
Storyboard comparisons (3
Widescreen anamorphic format,
Melora Walters (1,
- Nicole Kidman
Raven - a new magazine - humor plus naked chicks
You might be a raven guy if ... "If youíve read Playboy but might
enjoy a menís magazine that wasnít designed for your father or
grandfatherís generation. If youíve read Spy or National Lampoon
magazines and miss them. If youíve read The Onion but might like
something that wasnít so bland. "
While seated on the bench, an Oklahoma judge used a
male enhancement pump, shaved and oiled his nether region, and
Here cum da judge.
New mum Denise Richards is reportedly considering
an offer to bare all for Playboy this Christmas.
Navritilova gets licked at Wimbledon,
and she lost the match as
Phoebe Cates is still pretty adorable
The Berkeley City Council has unanimously passed a
resolution calling for constitutional amendments to deny
fundamental rights to corporations.
An all-star CD starring - William Shatner?
Captain Kirk has a good sense of humor. The name of the album is
Jon Stewart interviews Clinton's Secretary of
Labor, Robert Reich
The days are numbered for college cheaters who buy
their term papers online, thanks to a new software program.
The so-called Plagiarism-Finder takes term paper files and
cross-references the text with every document existing on the
internet, looking for matching phrases and paragraphs.
King Carl Gustaf of Sweden
removed the pictures of his daughter Madeleine in a low-cut red
dress from a Swedish website, but
you can see the picture here.
BadJocks.com - Where COPS meets SPORTSCENTER
"Using the 1992 presidential election as his springboard,
documentary filmmaker Brian Springer captures the
behind-the-scenes maneuverings of politicians and newscasters in
the early 1990s. Pat Robertson banters about 'homos,' Al Gore
learns how to avoid abortion questions, George Bush talks to Larry
King about halcyon -- all presuming they're off camera. Composed
of 100% unauthorized satellite footage, Spin is a surreal expose
of media-constructed reality."
President Bush's Farewell Letter to Connecticut
Governor John Rowland on the Occasion of his Tragic Forced
Resignation by Ruthless Liberal "Ethics Nazis"
An AOL engineer sold 92 million names and e-mail
addresses to a spammer.
JoBlo interviews James Franco (Harry Osborn in the
Kerry Calls Bush 'The Greatest Divider'.
Yup, that Bush is a wizard when it comes to dividing by 10.
Sometimes he can figure out the answer in less than a minute. He
kinda sucks at square roots, however.
Arizona Democrats file challenge to Nader.
The legal issue is kind of technical, but it centers around the
fact that Arizona law is anti-douchebag.
Saturn's moon Phoebe likely born in outer solar
unveiled a spectacular high-resolution mosaic of Saturn's
enigmatic moon Phoebe today, along with other data from the
Saturn-bound Cassini probe showing the moon formed in the extreme
outer solar system and later was captured by the ringed planet's
Doctors discover a real-life X-Man.
This is a fascinating story about a DNA mutation which boosts
The New York Times hired Larry McMurtry to review
Clinton's 'My Life':
It is the best and worst of reviews. Worst in the sense that I
have no idea whether I want to read Clinton's book. It is about
the man more than his book. Best in the sense that I know I want
to read the review again. McMurtry is a skillful writer. "The very
press that wanted to discredit him and perhaps even run him out of
town instead made him a celebrity, a far more expensive thing than
a mere president. Clinton's now up there with Madonna, in the
highlands that are even above talent. In fact, he and Madonna may,
just at the moment, be the only ones way up there"
Cingular Wireless hopes to begin launching its
first high-speed mobile internet services in 2005.
A Study of Supervised Spam Detection Applied to
Eight Months of Personal Email.
The researchers found that Spamassassin performed well in various
configurations. Spamprobe, Bogofilter and Spambayes also came out
good while CRM-114 failed to live up to its previous claims. The
study concludes that the best-performing filters reduced the
volume of incoming spam from about 150 messages per day to about 2
messages per day.
Al Qaeda Recruiting Video
The Michael Moore documentary Fahrenheit 9/11 has
achieved record-breaking single day grosses
at both Manhattan's Loew's Village 7 theater and Manhattan's
Lincoln Plaza theater, the two theaters at which it opened today.
These are not limited records which match it against documentaries
and art films, but the all time record against all films. For
example, the previous recordholder at Loew's was Men in Black.
Understand that part of the reason is that we are talking about
liberal-friendly Manhattan, and another part is that there are
only two theaters showing the film in a very large city. But the
record still counts.
Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above,
since it's sorta in real time.
to submit a URL for Other Crap
are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the
review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that
there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written
by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too
ashamed to admit it.
Words from Scoop.
.avi's from Shiloh.
.wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.
NOTE: because of a unique combination of
circumstances with the Windows media player and some substantial
bandwidth theft, we will have to do all of our movie files in zip
format. Click on the files as you normally would to play them. When
you get a choice, click on "save", and put it on your hard drive in
the directory of your choice. UnZIP and play from there.
I know this is not especially convenient, but it
allows the film clips to continue. I can protect .zip files from
hot-linking in the same way I can protect still images. For some
reason, if I protect .avis and .wmvs from hot-linking, they will not
play in the Windows media player, and I can't get a satisfactory
work-around. Perhaps I will find a better solution, but for now this
new policy allows you to continue getting the movie clips you want
to see, which is much preferable to my abandoning the clips
Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble
with the codecs for these movies:
FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use
DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use
virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the
vids says the video codec: DivX Decoder Filter & audio
codec: Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with.
When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG
Layer-3. A friend of mine told me about compressing the
audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been
capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this
info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.
When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp &
asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using
camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could
never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost
too much to buy in my opinion.
A reader says:
You mentioned that some users were
having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool
designed to determine what codec is needed for a video.
http://www.headbands.com/gspot/ Hope this is useful to you
or your users.
I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9.
The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in
the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly
larger, and slightly lower quality.
- The beautiful Claire Forlani topless in scenes from her first movie, "Gypsy Eyes" aka "CIA Trackdown" (1992).
- Kay Lenz, topless and baring a bit of bum in scenes from 1973's "Breezy", directed by Clint Eastwood.
Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website. www.graphic-barry.com.
The final installment of The Ghost's coverage of the Skinemax flick "Fast Lane to Vegas" (2000).
NOTE: We currently have to do all of our movie files in zip format. Instead of viewing them online, save the zip files to your hard drive in the directory of your choice, un-zip and play from there.
One one Skinemax babe today, Sasha Peralto. She shows several views of each of the 3 B's in this long scene featuring her stripping, sponge bathing and masturbating.
.wmvs #3 and #4 are the sponge bathing scenes. .wmvs #5 and #6 featuring her flying solo.
- Sasha Peralto
- Sasha Peralto individual zipped .wmvs
- All Sasha Peralto .wmvs in one zip file
|The "Tru Calling" star showing off some impressive cleavage in scenes from the 2001 movie "Soul Survivors".
||The "Pirates of the Caribbean" and "King Arthur" star on Leno. Too bad she's a little lacking in the pectoral region.
||The former "Baywatch" babe, host of the game show "Dog Eat Dog" and currently starring on the new series "North Shore". Here she is showing a whole lotta leg during a recent appearance on Last Call with Carson Daly
||"The O.C" star in a bikini from a an episode of "North Shore".
|Pheobe still looking amazing at 40! Here she is at the premiere of husband Kevin Kline's new movie "De-lovely" (link #3) and also showing some great cleavage at the Tony Awards (links 1-2).
||Alba looking gorgeous in a bikini top in this production still from her upcoming movie "Into the Blue".
||A great collage by ZonononZor of the Terminatrix and her very carefully concealed goodies. Scenes from "Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines".
|Señor Skin 'caps of the the indie film actress going topless and shows rear nudity in scenes from 1998's "Clay Pigeons".
|Pat Reeder www.comedy-wire.com
Pat's comments in yellow...
WAL-MART ACCUSED OF SEX DISCRIMINATION
Say, Isn't Hillary On The Board? - Tuesday, a U.S. District Judge sided
with six women who claimed Wal-Mart pays women less than men, passes them
over for promotions and hires too few women in management. The ruling
could open the door to the biggest class action suit in history if 1.6
million angry female current and past employees join together to sue for
Wal-Mart insists that it exploits and underpays all its workers equally.
They had 1.6 million employees?! So how come when I need to find one,
there's never anyone working there?
SUPER BOWL STREAKER FINED IN TEXAS
It Ended His Streak - British serial streaker Mark Roberts was fined $1,000
by a Texas jury for trespassing at the Super Bowl in a thong. He could've
faced up to six months in jail. He's done this 300 times and never been
prosecuted anywhere else. But prosecutor Kristin Guiney pushed for jail
time, telling the jury of six women, "70,000 -- that's how many people had
to see that man's nearly naked butt."
Hey, millions of us saw Janet Jackson's breast, and we finally
If he were Mel Gibson, the women on the jury would've paid HIM.
He does this at the Super Bowl and is fined $1,000...But if a radio DJ
in Podunk tells a dirty limerick, he's fined $3 million.
Too bad: six months in a Texas prison would've cured him of ever
prancing around in a thong again.
When George W. Bush says, "Don't mess with Texas," this is EXACTLY the
type of thing he's talking about.
A PENIS AT THE END OF THE DVD
Unkindest Cut Of All - The Sun tabloid reports that Colin Farrell's nude
scene was cut from his upcoming movie "A Home At The End of the World"
because his penis is so big, it distracted the audience. A source said
during test-screenings, "all you could hear were gasps"..."The women were
over-excited and the men looked really uncomfortable...It was such a sight,
it made it difficult to concentrate on the plot, so the decision was made
to get rid of it." Farrell was said to be very angry and demanded it be
included on the DVD.
And that the DVD be in widescreen format.
For Colin, showing his penis IS the plot.
He should just be grateful they're not digitally shortening it.
Actually, the men gasped...All the women had already seen it.
No actor likes to hear that his penis will have to be cut out.