(Re: Gimme and F. See the OZ column yesterday.)

"Those cheerleaders in the red uniforms are part of the Falcon Dance Squad which is composed of eight credited actresses. Most have little or no other credits but Kevin-Bacon-babe Emily Longstreth looks like the cheerleader with the long blonde hair sitting on the bench, and choreographer Robin Antin may be the brunette holding her pom-poms. Still have no idea who the topless ones are."



The Baker


I've noted many times on these pages that the entire British film industry now seems to have only two templates:

(1) Gritty urban gangster dramas and dramedies with a touch of morbid humor.

(2) Offbeat and quirky, but ultimately warm comedies about eccentric provincials engaged in a struggle to be accepted for their participation in unusual or unexpected activities.

The Baker, apparently troubled by ambivalence, is both!

A professional assassin runs into some problems with "the corporation," and is advised by his mentor to lie low until further instructions. He is provided with an address in the Welsh countryside where he is to blend in with the locals and attract no attention. For reasons never clearly established, the mob's Welsh hideout is a charming little high street bakery shop which has fallen into disrepair. The hitman decides to make lemon out of this lemonade, or rather to make bread out of this yeast, and goes about disguising himself as the town's long-awaited baker, Milo Shakespeare. There are a couple of reasons why his disguise fails: (1) he has no idea how to created edible baked goods; (2) a local lad sees him burying his weapons and digs them up. It is not long before every single person in the village knows that their baker is really a professional killer, but he does not know that they know. That's the rather contrived comic premise. The way it plays out is that the people in town think they are walking into the bakery and using a secret code to have their neighbors killed over petty spats, while our Mr. Shakespeare thinks that they are simply ordering custom-baked sweets.

Meanwhile, the lad who found the cache of weapons really hopes to find a route out of his dead-end town, and hires on to be the baker's assistant, a job which he conceives to consist of rubbing out fellow villagers, but which really consists of fixing up the dilapidated shop and learning add decorative frosting to birthday cakes. There's also a love interest, a dedicated local veterinarian who seems to be the only one in town unaware of the baker's real profession. Finally, there's a dramatic conflict in the form of a rival hitman who has been assigned by the corporation to remove the baker from their rolls, so to speak.

I mentioned at the beginning of these comments that it's both an urban gangster film and a comedy about eccentric provincials, but that's only true in principal. In fact, it's really just the latter, and of that genre a second-tier representative. Although it all plays out predictably, there are a few laughs along the way. Surprisingly, the film's two best scenes are musical:

The first is a funeral for the fishmonger's foul termagant of a wife. (Her death was necessary to make the plot work. The modest proprietor of Cod Almighty wanted his wife killed and she died after her husband made a bakery order, thus leading the townspeople to think that the baker offed her in response to an order for custom sweets.) The villagers get together at the wake to perform a robust rendition of her favorite song ... that traditional funeral dirge, "Volare."

The other is a sex scene between the baker and the veterinarian, which is played out for energetic laughs in the manner of the famous sex scene between Jeff Goldblum and Emma Thompson in The Tall Guy. The lovers smear one another with bakery accoutrements like jam, cream and flour, while they make furious love to the beat of a famous calypso song, Shake Sonora.

The British critics raked this film over the coals. The Guardian scored it their minimum 1/5 and the BBC was not much more generous with a 2/5 score and a dismissive bakery-related Shalitism ("a hastily cooked souffle"). While I grant that The Baker is not a genre masterpiece, and that its comic ideas have been done better elsewhere, I don't believe it should be rated that low. While it is true that some of the villagers are annoyingly idiosyncratic without any good comic purpose, the star (Damian Lewis, the director's brother) has a sympathetic screen presence and a solid sense of comic timing. It's not a film you will want to own, but you should found it a pleasant enough time-killer if quirky provincial Brit comedies are your bag, baby.



  • * Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe).

  • * White asterisk: expanded format.

  • * Blue asterisk: not mine.

  • No asterisk: it probably sucks.


Catch the deluxe version of Other Crap in real time, with all the bells and whistles, here.







A Sunday triple feature.

Strange Days


Juliette Lewis showing off her extremely "Tiny Tots" in "Strange Days'. She is not my cup of tea , but some find her very sexy.

"Band of Gold"


Samantha Morton shows some boobs and winds up as a "Babe in Bondage" in "Band of Gold".


Bad Inclination


We also have an unknown ""Babe in Bondage" from "Bad Inclination" showing breasts and full frontal. A little bloody but she is actually posing for an artist's drawing.












Before the Devil Knows You're Dead


What I heard most about this crime thriller was that Marisa Tomei had good nude scenes in it. That's certainly true; it seemed like Marisa had more screen time nude than clothed. What is also true is that director Sidney Lumet delivered a first-rate, exciting, and different crime story.

Two brothers need money, one to please his beautiful young wife and cover up embezzlement at work, the other to silence his ex-wife's demands for back child support, and to take care of his child. Their target: a mom and pop jewelry store owned by ... mom and pop, their parents. Why not? The store is covered by insurance, the older brother will plan it carefully, and the younger will do the job in disguise, making sure that the clerk is not harmed.

When the younger brother comes down with a case of the cowardly lions, he enlists a scumbag friend to go into the shop while he mans the getaway car. Things go terribly wrong in ways unforeseen by anyone, and this sets off a chain of events that leaves no one unharmed.

This is a powerful movie, quite unique is several ways, with outstanding acting and Marisa's great nudity. A must-see.

Marisa Tomei






Notes and collages

The Adventures of Baron Munchausen

Uma Thurman










Marsha Thomason on the cult TV series, "Lost"
Julie Benz on another cult TV series, "Dexter"
Vahina Giocante in Renegade

Film Clips

Andrea Osvart in Two Tigers (2007)

One more from Two Tigers, Selena Khoo

Irene Jacob in Spy Games (1999)

Sienna Guillory in Helen of Troy (2003)

Kelly McGillis in Witness (1985)

Maria Antonietta Beluzzi in Fellini's Amarcord (1973)

Natalia Verbeke in Arritmia (2007)