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Yellow
(2006)
Yellow has a plot and some quirky characterization, but let's be honest,
they are just window dressing. The only reason it exists is to showcase the
talent and beauty of its producer/star Roselyn Sanchez. In that respect, it
succeeds. Sanchez is gorgeous. She has a beautiful Mediterranean-type face
(She's actually Puerto Rican), and a spectacular body with tightly muscled
legs, six pack abs, and killer naughty bits. She seems to have the talent as
well, but I'm not really qualified to evaluate her dancing. Like most of
you, I have several left feet, none of them coordinated, and I can't tell
the difference between dancers who are pretty good and those who are
brilliant. I can tell you that I enjoyed watching her move, and that she did
so gracefully through several different styles of dance ranging from ballet
to Broadway to strip clubs.
As for the movie, the less said about that, the better. The main
character is named Amaryllis, but they call her Yellow because ... it's a
bad Spanish pun (the Spanish word for "yellow" is "amarillo"), and there's
just nothing that people enjoy more than corny puns in foreign languages. I
don't know about you, but I just can't get enough lame English puns, so I
seek them out in all the world's languages.
Yellow leaves her
frustrating life in Puerto Rico to pursue her dream of being a professional
dancer in The Big Apple. She gradually lowers her sights from dancing in
Broadway theaters to waitressing in 10th Avenue hash joints until she
finally does land a dancing gig - as a stripper. The film then wanders directly
into Almodovar territory with the overriding concept being the dignity and
goodness of man, even in the unlikeliest of places. Although Yellow is
surrounded by sleazy strip club owners, horny patrons, strippers,
transvestites, and crazies, they all turn out to be wise and compassionate.
The strip club owner treats her like a daughter. The sleazy #1 patron of the
strip club turns out to be a sensitive uptown doctor recovering from a bad
break-up. The crazy guy reconciles with his long-lost son. The other
strippers give Yellow a standing ovation when she shows off some classical
moves. And there's more where all that came from, but I'm sure you must
already have the idea.
Despite starting in New York with no money, no friends, and no place to
live, she soon finds friendship and true love and also gets her big break on
Broadway. The worst thing that happens to her is that she finally has to
choose between her doctor and her career!
That poor kid.
3.4 at IMDb. Yes, it is that weak. My mind kept wandering throughout the
film. In fact it may be overrated. The 3.4 is padded by a bunch of obviously
insincere 10s. The most common score is 2/10, and it merits only a
bottom-feeding 2.0 from the top 1000 voters.
On our scale, a D. (It's sexy, but there's not enough nudity to qualify
the film as a C- for its erotica.)
Roselyn, however, is a total babe. Film clip here. See the
captures down in Vejiita's section.
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* Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe).
* White asterisk:
expanded format.
*
Blue asterisk: not mine.
No asterisk: it probably
sucks.
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OTHER CRAP:
Catch the deluxe
version of Other Crap in real time, with all the bells and whistles,
here.
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Blood on Satan's Claw
(1970)
This film is often called one of the better Hammer horror
offerings. I have a minor quibble with that - it is not a
Hammer film! It was produced by a Hammer wannabe called Tigon films,
and was directed by Piers Haggard, the founder of the British Director's Guild
and the grandson of the legendary H. Rider Haggard ("She"). Piers
is still active as a director to this day.
Blood on Satan's Claw was released for a week in the UK as
Devil's Touch, and then withdrawn and released under its current
name. It was circulated on the drive-in circuit in the USA as
Satan's Skin. Set in the 17th century English countryside, it
concerns a village which reverts to a belief in witchcraft when a
demon possesses several local children, making them his slave.
It all starts when a young man is plowing, and unearths a partial
and decomposing demon. He runs to tell a judge who is staying at his
master's house, but by the time they return, it is gone. We soon see
why. Luscious 18 year old Angel (Linda Hayden) has taken it and
assumed the role of Satan's High Priestess. The plan is simple. The
demon needs body parts, so Angel's group are drafted as hosts to
grow what he needs.
This is a very good horror film in the Hammer tradition. The
English countryside has never looked lovelier, the period details
are spot on, and the plot is unique. It is especially chilling to
have children as the villains. Highlights include Linda Hayden stripping
in an attempt to seduce the
parson, the rape of Wendy Padbury before they kill her to harvest
the "Satan's Skin" she was growing, some surgery to remove Satan's
Skin from a fully awake girl, and a large-breasted Diane Andrews
dancing topless in front of a fire with a knife.
This is a C+ as vintage horror. IMDb readers score it 6.0, and it
has a generally good reputation with reviewers as well.
The version I viewed comes from RLDVDs.com. It originates in
Germany and is titled In den Krallen des Hexenjaegers, but is a
friendly all-region DVD with audio in either German or English. It
also includes an informative commentary by the cast and crew.
Since the only other version available is a Region 2 PAL disc
priced no less than $45.99 at Amazon marketplace, the RLDVDs price
is very
attractive.
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Notes and collages
From Russia With Love
Daniela Bianchi
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Yellow
(2006)
After a tragedy, Amaryllis Campos (Roselyn Sanchez) moves to New York to follow her dream of becoming a dancer, but ends up as a stripper.
Of course in the end she achieves her dreams.
The movie is bad, it's what I call a flat movie, doesn't have anything interesting besides watching Roselyn Sanchez dance half naked.
See Scoop's section for the film clip.
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The Comedy Wire
Comments in yellow
Todd Davis, CEO of Lifelock security, proves that his service prevents
identity theft by advertising his own Social Security number on the company's
website. A man in Ft. Worth, Texas, took the info and used it to obtain a $500
Internet loan. Davis found the man through a private investigator and sent a
film crew to tape his confession against police advice. Now, local D.A.'s have
dropped the case, saying the confession was coerced and is useless. Besides,
the man who stole Davis' identity probably wouldn't get much punishment anyway
because he's mentally disabled.
* Not so mentally disabled that he'd put his Social
Security number on the Internet, but still...
The first preview of the upcoming movie "Beowulf" is on the Internet, and it may
herald a movie revolution called "Digital Enhanced Live Action." The actors
wore suits with computer sensors all over them; and in post-production, they
were digitally altered to look better than life. Angelina Jolie's breasts and
lips were both pumped up even
bigger, and actor Ray Winstone was made to look half his age with rippling abs
he doesn't really have. Analysts say this could make dieting, working out and
plastic surgery obsolete as computers do all the work to make actors look
perfect.
* Meanwhile, the rest of us will stop dieting, working
out and getting plastic surgery because if even Angelina Jolie doesn't look good
enough, why should we even try?!
Elton John has a suggestion for saving music: tear down the Internet. Elton says
that in the 1970s, there were ten fantastic albums released every week, and now
you're lucky to hear ten a year because the Internet lulls people into staying
home and making their own recordings on computers instead of going out and
mixing with other people, which sparks creativity. He said he'd like to shut
down the Internet for five years and see how much more interesting art and music
would become.
* Wouldn't he miss the gay porn?
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