Deuce Bigalow, European Gigolo (2005):

This film manages to milk 80-90 minutes of "humor" out of about a half dozen comic premises:

1. It's funny to come up with new words for male body parts and sexual functions, as they would be used in the high-stakes gigolo trade, if such a thing really existed on the same mass-market level as female prostitution: mangina, shenis, man-bitch, mouth to south, etc.

2. It's even funnier to have Eddie Griffin constantly caught in positions that force him to deny that he's gay. When he's accused of being a gay murderer, he doesn't care about the murderer part.

3. It's fun to take the outrageous sexual faux-practices like the Dirty Sanchez rename them. For example, calling a sexual specialty a "Filthy Lopez" is side-splittingly hilarious. And don;t even get me started on a Copenhagen Steamer.

4. Eddie Griffin looks funny in outrageous Halloween disguises. 

5. Nothing is wackier than obsessive-compulsive disorder. (Actually, that one might work as a comic premise for the Farrelly Brothers, but it seems to be out of Rob Schneider's reach.)

6. Asians have small penises.

7. Everything is legal in Amsterdam.

That's about it, except for the "women with physical deformities" humor derived directly from the first Deuce Bigalow. Among the Deucemeister's clients, one woman has enormous ears, another has a penis for a nose, and so forth.

The critics, for reasons seemingly inexplicable, did not think the formula was strong enough to justify an expenditure of $22 million dollars. Can you believe it? Producer Adam Sandler obviously disagreed, and managed to find investors somewhere, or maybe financed it out of his pocket change, or something.  Sandler was not entirely deluded in his belief. While the film did not become a hit, it did somehow take in $22 million at the box office. Once the suits finish selling off the various rights and tying up the packages, this project might manage to break even or better, and I'm sure Rob Schneider was more than happy to pocket the hefty paychecks which Sandler must have made out to the head writer and lead actor.

That might be depressing if you think about it too much.

As for me ... well, I think you go into a Rob Schneider movie or a David Spade movie with a certain set of expectations. Within the reasonable limits of those parameters, this film is about what you would expect. It's filled with lowest-brow humor and juvenile gross-outs.  It is certainly on the usual Schneider Scale, albeit at the lower end of that scale because it stretches its comic ideas much too thin and repeats its jokes far too often.

On the other hand, if you are somehow deluded into renting this DVD by thinking it's a film from Kenneth Branagh or The Coen Brothers, you might end up a bit disappointed.

There is some nudity in the special "assume the position" edition, but it is barely worth mentioning.

The credits list two "topless weather girls," but it seems to me that these two scenes both involve the same girl. It must be either Monika Kucskowska or Astrid Knoops, although IMDb somehow managed to come up with a third name (Rachel Bachofner) which I could not find in the film's ending credits.
This character is named "Ilsa," and appears only in a brief flashback. I could not find her in the credits.
This is Katie Downes, repeating a wet t-shirt formula that worked in the first Deuce Bigalow movie. This was the only scene in the movie which seemed sexy to me.

Sexual Life (2005):

This is a relationship-centric dramedy which manages a complete sexual ronde. A has a relationship with B, B with C, C with D, and so forth until the last character completes the circle by having a relationship with A.

Since we see each of the characters in two relationships, we see how the interaction in one situation offers us insight into the same character's motivations in the other situation. We see one or two characters claim that they are not sleeping with anyone else when we have seen evidence to the contrary. We see a woman in love with two men. She chooses to marry one and the other is heartbroken, but then we see that the one she has chosen is not all that comfortable with the upcoming wedding, thus making the earlier character's genuine heartbreak all the more painful.

This film doesn't cover any new ground, but the situations feel like they really come out of middle class America. The underlying theme is that a good portion of our lives consists of fooling others and even ourselves.  Several of the performances are solid, so on balance it is a film which will not strike you as especially good or bad, but which you will probably not remember a few days after you have seen it.

I would have liked it a lot better if it had offered some genuine nudity from the POV of the sexual partners, as opposed to the peek-around-the-corner kind of nudity the offers only passing glimpses (except for one of the guys!) I'm not sure why the nudity was so demure. Clearly, the modest level of nudity from the stars was not done to obtain a certain MPAA rating because there is a completely naked background stripper, even though the sexual principals never really show very much!

Anne Heche
Kerry Washington
Azura Skye

Other Crap:

Did Stephen Colbert "nail" physicist Brian Greene in an alternate universe?

Colbert's word of the day - "Never"

Stephen Colbert reports on the Country Music Awards

Adrien Brody and Jon Stewart discuss whether things will work out for that Peter Jackson chap.

Mozilla Firefox 1.5 has now been released

Cyber Monday is a marketing myth

"introverts have more brain activity "

  • "Extroverts enjoy the external world of things, people and activities. They have more activity in brain areas involved in processing the sensory information we're bombarded with daily. Because extroverts have less internally generated brain activity, they search for more external stimuli to energize them. "

A two-minute clip from Jessica Simpson's failed sitcom pilot for ABC

  • You can also pick up 190 still captures from "Jessica" here (scroll down the page a bit)

Who was Lorna Doone and why does she have a cookie named after her?

  • The Nabisco executive did not give a very convincing reply when asked why their shortbread cookie was named after a romantic/tragic heroine.

President Bush's Remarks on FREEDOM During Historic Visit to Mongoloidistan - (WHITEHOUSE.ORG)

Ronald MacDonald caught stealing from Wendy's

2006 Super Bowl - this year's halftime nipples to be provided by Mick Jagger

The State of Texas keeps an official list of the last words of executed offenders

Four minutes of King Kong!

"You might recognize Clemence Poesy from the new Harry Potter movie, check her out in this smokin hot scene from the French film Bienvenue chez les Rozes."

More great British headlines: Baaa humbug: singing sheep fight Crazy Frog for Christmas crown

Conan O'Brien's quotables for last week.

  • "Christina Aguilera got married last weekend and she asked that the guests not talk to the press about the wedding because she's shy. Then she asked the guests not to stare at her diamond-studded, crotchless wedding dress."
  • "An arbiter upheld Terrell Owen's suspension and ruled that Owens cannot play for a pro-football team this year. On the bright side, Owens can still play for the New York Jets."
  • "According to a new survey, 1 out of 5 New Yorkers is obese. As a result, New York is thinking of changing its name to 'Wisconsin.'"
  • "This week, someone fired a pellet gun at the tour bus of Poison singer Bret Michaels but Michaels said it won't stop him from touring. Afterwards, the pellet shooter said, 'Good Lord, what do we have to do?'"

Nominees for the Independent Spirit Awards.

  • It's difficult to see how Brokeback Mountain could lose, even without the pudding.

Highlander in 30 seconds, re-enacted by bunnies.

"Believe it or not: Tropical Storm Epsilon"

More pics of Pam Anderson, ultimate soccer mom

Now THIS is an entrepreneurial idea ... a bus is converted into a strip club on wheels for football tailgaters. It even has a disco ball! Forget 7-Eleven, this is my kind of convenience. One stop for pro football, rock music, nude lap dances, and beer. If that bus sold pizza, I would retire there.

More pictures of those sexy Florida State girls

Colin Farrell Sex Tape Comes Into Focus

Man Arrested For Spreading Mom's Ashes On Field During Eagles Game

  • It was only right that he did it. Mom died from heart failure when they suspended T.O and let McNabb go out for the season.

"Lingerie Store Window Has Live Models"

  • Y'know, that is a smart idea. They can sell more stuff to women if the accompanying men are not impatient to leave, and the only thing more effective at getting men to stay than half-dressed supermodels is the combination of BEER and half-dressed supermodels.

The Weekend Warrior predicts the Box Office for this coming weekend.

  • Aeon Flux is the only new movie, and he thinks it will come in at about $13 million, beating everyone but Potter. Who knows? Maybe. It's as good a guess as any.

This week's movies (2500 screens) Aeon Flux - no reviews available! (They're shielding it from critics? That can't be good, can it?)

BUSH ALLOWS GUEST WORKERS IN WHITE HOUSE ... Foes of Illegal Immigration Cry Foul

  • "President George W. Bush, who has been talking tough on the subject of illegal immigration in recent days, appeared to reverse course today, announcing a guest worker program that allows illegal immigrants to work inside the White House itself. Recognizing that his new plan was likely to draw the ire of conservatives and other foes of illegal immigration, Mr. Bush said that the guest workers’ duties in the White House would be limited: 'They will mainly be responsible for leaking classified information to the press.'"

Letterman's "Top Ten Signs You Had A Bad Thanksgiving"

The Daily Show: Baghdad Legal (Saddam's trial.)

The Daily Show's senior consumer analyst Rob Corddry looks at scenes of violence, mayhem and raw human greed - that bode well for the economy

Daily Show: Headlines - Shop 'Til You Fall Down "Many are loving the baby Jesus enough to kick another man's nads in for an iPod."

Crop circles? Aliens? Military secrets? Nah, just Scientology at work.

Fascinating read! Superman V - the sequel that never was. The whole sordid story

TV viewers tune out govt control.

  • "Just 9% of parents said the government should increase control and enforcement of network television programming."

Saddam pleads insanity.

  • His top witness? President Bush, who has called him a "madman" approximately 12,465 times since Sept. 11, 2001.

"A large moose spent Monday morning wandering the streets of urban Moncton."

  • Picturing the moose stopping for traffic? Um ... check out the picture. The people of Moncton have a slightly different concept of the word "urban" than we big city folk might imagine!

"Jim Carrey will topline and Tim Burton will direct an action-adventure film based on the exploits of Robert Ripley, the explorer and newspaper columnist who created 'Ripley's Believe It or Not.'"

"Producer Aaron Spelling has sued a nurse and her attorney for allegedly violating a confidentiality agreement and spreading rumors around Hollywood that Spelling sexually harassed her. "

  • The definition of optimism: attempting sexual harassment at age 82.




Movie Reviews:

Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format. Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.


Immagini di un Convento (1979)

Images in a Convent is a soft-core nunsploitation film from Joe D'Amato with a smattering of hard-core action at the end. D'Amato explains that as a boy in Italy, he considered nuns erotic, hence his choice of topic.

A countess (Paola Senatore) is stuck in a convent per the last request of her dead father, which was intended to keep her from the arms of her lusty uncle. She expresses her true feelings to her mother superior by wearing her habit with breasts exposed. The nunnery is a hot bed of lesbian activity, and while Senatore is having an erotic dream about her handsome uncle, Paola Maiolini exposes and fondles her. Then Maiolini is caught by Marina Frajese, who takes her to the cellar, strips and whips her, then eats her pussy.

Things heat up when an injured young man is given refuge at the convent.  He bears a remarkable resemblance to an evil statue in the garden, but Senatore sees him as her ticket out. Convinced that the devil has certainly possessed the convent, the mother superior soon sends Marina Frajese to fetch an exorcist. She is raped on the way. The exorcist finally shows up to a whole convent full of fornicating and masturbating nuns. The bit of hard-core content comes toward the end, first when there is clear oral sex in the rape scene, and later when one nun uses a wooden dildo on another.

D'Amato began his career as a photographer, and this background shows through in many scenes. Even with the drab color palette required by a convent setting, he was able to create visually interesting scenes. This is exploitation at its best: a reasonably coherent story as an excuse for good photography of nearly non-stop sex and nudity, with the added benefit of a sacrilegious attitude. IMDb readers have this at a respectable 5.6, which is good for a Eurotrash effort, and well deserved. It is as good as Eurotrash exploitation gets.

Paola Senatore

Paula Maolini

Marina Frajese


Naked Nuns







Gina Jackson in an episode of "Intimate Sessions"




Today it's time for my weekly update on Rome (2005). In episode 5 "The Ram Has Touched The Wall" there isn't much going on nudity wise. The only interesting scene I can offer you, is some nice see-through action by Indira Varma who plays Niobe, the wife of Lucius Vorenus. She doesn't seem to be wearing anything underneath her thinly woven cloth.
Plotwise we can see Caesar finally going after Pompey who has fled for Greece. Lucius Vorenus doesn't have much success in the slave-trade business and has no other choice but to join the army of Mark Anthony. His friend Titus Pullo is hired by Caesar's niece (not sister as I mentioned earlier) Atia to teach her son Octavianus some more manly activities like fighting and copulating. While Octavianus is not much of a fighter, we already see that he has a strong will of his own and that his leadership capacities are starting to emerge. Those capacities will of course turn him later on in history into the first emperor of Rome, Augustus.
Furhermore, I've got two clips of Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio (1, 2) in 1992's White Sands. She exposes her breasts and the top of her buns briefly.
I'll conclude this contribution with a short clip of Alain Delon bursting into Catherine Leprince's appartment in Le Choc (1982). Do I need to mention that Kat is as naked as a jaybird?
That's all for today, folks.



Today we return to "Nude for Satan" for scenes of a "Babe in Bondage" with Iolanda Mascitti. Iolanda is strung up and whipped with full frontal nudity and I must warn you these are very bloody. Strangely, in the final caps the scene shifts and the whip marks have all disappeared and she is again full frontal lying on a bed. The good news? It was all just a dream. The bad news? She gets a blade to the breast.

After all that we need a little "Hankster Light" so we take a trip over to "TV Land" for Jenny McCarthy with a guest appearance on Stacked.

And Naomi Watts on "Leno" (nice legs) on Monday night's show.


The nudity in Stateside (2004) comes from some topless pole dancers (first two collages). Rachel Leigh Cook adds some eye candy (last two).

Laws of Attraction

Laws of Attraction (2004) is a mediocre romantic movie and even Julianne Moore in her underwear can't save it.

A Boy Called Hate

It's also underwear only in A Boy Called Hate (1996), this time by Missy Crider.


Rhona Mitra is down to her underwear in Highwaymen (2003).

Harry and Tonto

Melanie Mayron gives us a brief topless view in Harry and Tonto (1974).


No nudity in Se7en (1995), just some sexy images of Gwyneth Paltrow.


Some nice pokies by Lisa Marcos  (first two) in Threshold (2003)  and cleavage by Chantal Quesnelle (right).

Sudden Impact

Another Harry Callahan movie, Sudden Impact shows us a topless Lisa London (left) and pokies by Sondra Locke (right).


Some nice pokies by Jennifer Lopez in Anaconda (first two) and cleavage by Kari Wuhrer (right).

The Second Front

Pokies and cleavage by Lana Litwak in The Second Front (2003).

Terminal Velocity

The same again in Terminal Velocity (1994), but this time by Catherine de Prume.


Dominique Swain is in her undies in Face-Off (1997), a movie that stretches the credibility gap.

Out of Time

Similarly, Sanaa Lathan is down to her underwear in Out of Time (2003).

Vampire Clan

Stacy Houge is down to her underwear and Mimi Craven takes a shower in Vampire Clan (2002).

Enter the Ninja

Some pokies by Susan George in the appalling Enter the Ninja (1982).

Last Exit to Brooklyn

Jennifer Jason Leigh (first four) and Maia Danziger (final) are both topless in Last Exit to Brooklyn (1990).


Jodie Foster is topless in Contact (1997) but nothing is visible.


Plenty of topless nudity in Intoxicating (2003) by Laurie Baranyay (first three) and Camilla Overbye Roos (last two).

The Run of the Country

Victoria Smurfit is topless in The Run of the Country (1995).

Holiday Reunion

Another National Lampoon movie is Holiday Reunion (2003). Pokies by Penelope Ann Miller (first three) and lovely caps of Meghan Ory (next four) and Britt Irvin (last one).


Silver City

She sounds like a dipstick when I've heard her interviewed but Daryl Hannah still looks mighty good in Silver City (2004).



Kelly Brook.  At the beach.  Topless (truly a misnomer when it comes to her).  And the paparazzi were there.  Bless them, every one.



Scoop's note: Crimson Ghost sent in these webfinds on the same subject.



Scoop's other note: if they ever make a Mummy 3, Billy Zane will give Vosloo some serious competition for the title role..



Three more collages of Kira Reed showing everything on Howard Stern's show