Many thanks to Crimson Ghost for covering the reader request which the rest of us knew nothing about. (The results are in yesterday's coverage of Emmanuelle vs. Dracula.) As always, I lost money on that bet. I took Dracula and the points. Emmanuelle not only won, but she ... um ... covered the "spread."

We always want to know about material which is available if we have not covered it, so keep those cards and letters comin' in.

Personal Best (1982)

Here's another film which has never made it to DVD, to my knowledge. What a shame! It is the Citizen Kane of lesbian sports films, featuring full frontal nudity from pre-implant Mariel Hemingway in two scenes, as well as a whole bathhouse full of stark nekkid chicks. Here are two clips from VHS (zipped .wmvs)

  1. Stark naked Mariel examines Patrice Donnelly's stark naked body.

  2. A saunapalooza!


Other Crap:

The third richest man in the USA is ... who again?
  • Bill Gates and Warren Buffett are widely known, and Gates is immediately recognizable to the general public, but Paul Allen??? Well, he's the world's most obscure zillionaire.

Netflix KOs Blockbuster Online

"Five prominent major league players were named in a $35 million lawsuit over an alleged phone card scam"

  • Ortiz, Tejada, Pedro Martinez, Dotel and Lugo reportedly were named in the suit.

"the ten worst Britons of the past 1,000 years, with one from every century."

  • The worst guy of the 12th century - Thomas a Becket. He “divided England in a way that even many churchmen who shared some of his views thought unnecessary and self-indulgent. He was a founder of gesture politics. He was also greedy."
  • King John made the list
  • as did Jack the Ripper
  • The 20th century winner and also the worst Briton of all time is, of course, Hugh Grant, a last-minute choice which was forced by the committee's 11th hour decision to ignore Dick Cheney's honorary UK citizenship.

Will placing tinfoil in your car's hubcaps or hanging a CD from your rear-view mirror fool police radar?

  • Oh, of course. What could go wrong? Just put a little Reynolds Wrap on your hubcaps and you can confidently soar through a school zone in triple figures, as safe as one of those invisible space ships on Star Trek.

Was "Uncle Sam" originally a meat packer in Troy, New York?

"Through her publicist, Longoria said on Monday that 'the police report is highly inaccurate, defamatory, false and fraudulent.'"

  • This is publicist talk for "self-evidently true, but embarrassing to my client"

Sarah Silverman sings a duet with her vagina. Her asshole sings a bass line.

Punk'd by a Lotto Hoax!

The Year in Pictures 2005 - MSNBC.com (Two slideshows - readers' choice and editors' choice)

When will our Federal government finally bust the greedy and ruthless ferret monopolists?

  • One word from them, and the poor people of your city might never see another ferret.
  • I wonder if they are part of an organized crime syndicate, laundering drug money through ferret profits.

Scientists prove that spoons really do vanish

  • Next up on the scientific docket: the cause of unpaired socks

Headline of the day: "Remote-control roaches are plagued by spammers"

The passing of an era. ABC Bids Farewell to Monday Night Football

  • It brings back great memories for us old guys. Monday Nights with Howard, Dandy Don and the Giff.

Weekend Box Office Results, December 23-25

  • The results are so diffuse as to be difficult to interpret, because some films opened on Wednesday, some Friday, some Sunday. Kong and Narnia were about even for the weekend. The weekend was down 14% from last year, but that is mostly because Christmas fell on a different day of the week. The predictions were far off, but that was to be expected. It was a dartboard toss, since the weekend was filled with new releases and an unpredictable Sunday/Christmas
  • The biggest losers of the week were Kong, which managed to underperform even radically diminished expectations, and Cheaper by the Dozen 2, which was widely ignored. (Not only were the reviews dreadful, but families saw essentially the same film last week in Yours, Mine, and Ours)
  • The biggest winner was Narnia, which pulled back even with Kong and has proven to be an enduring favorite.
  • It may be more interesting to look at Sunday and Monday, in which all the releases competed apples-to-apples.
  • The interesting thing about the Sunday-Monday period is that the two-way horserace has become a three-way, with Jim Carrey having overcome bad reviews to compete with the big boys. Dick and Jane is the surprise winner of the Sunday/Monday period.
  • Jennifer Aniston overcame her own bad notices to work into a respectable sixth on Sunday/Monday.
  • Wolf Creek was in seventh or eighth place on Sunday/Monday, about even with The Ringer. The Producers was tenth, with respectable revenues per screen.

Character Actor Vincent Schiavelli Dies

  • One of my favorites. A mainstay of grade-B films whose unique look also made him a valuable asset in A-list projects like Amadeus and Cuckoo's Nest. Because of his appearance, he was one of those guys who would never get the lead in romantic comedies or action films, but who did a good job whenever he was given the opportunity - and that's about the best thing you can say about anyone.

The five finalists have been chosen for the new motto for New Jersey

  • "Come to New Jersey: It's not as bad as it smells." was not one of the finalists.
  • I'm still holding out for, "New Jersey: no fuckin' motto. You got a problem wit' dat?"

Is Florida's anti-spam crusader the state's biggest spammer?

  • Florida's attorney general has spearheaded an aggressive campaign against unsolicited e-mails, or spam. Only one problem - he may be the state's biggest spammer. Man, he's going to have some trouble forcing himself into a perp walk.
  • His incredibly weaselly explanation? Even though his e-mails are unsolicited and ask for money (the definition of spam by any and every reasonable standard. Go to Google and type in "define: spam") - they are truthful! Under Florida law, it isn't spam unless it's deceptive. (Which means the friggin' law doesn't actually have anything at all to do with spam! You'd think they might have looked up the definition of spam before writing the anti-spam law! But, no-o-o-o-!)
  • It appears to me that the Florida anti-spam law is deceptive (since it doesn't actually have anything to do with spam) - and therefore, given their alleged definition that spam is deceptive mass e-mail - the Florida law against spam - (follow me now) - if e-mailed to the citizens of Florida, would be spam!
  • Quick, call Mudd's robots!

TIME picks 2005's Best Movies

  • An obscure list, to say the least

Tony Parker and Eva Longoria stopped by police - and act like total assholes!

2005: another year of celebs behaving madly

On Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and throughout the holidays, Chinese restaurants do some of their briskest business of the year.

The Vikings are now out of the playoff picture.

  • That loss also officially clinched a playoff berth for the Giants
  • The Bears have won the NFC North.
  • The only division still unsettled involves Tampa and Carolina and in fact, neither of those teams is sure of making the post-season, although one of the two must make it, and both may.
  • The remaining NFC battle involves the wild card: Three of these four teams will make the playoffs, but one will go home early: Redskins, Cowboys, Bucs, Carolina. If the season ended today, Dallas would draw the short straw.
  • In the AFC, if the Steelers win OR the Chiefs lose, the Steelers are in, the Chiefs out. Where it gets really crazy is the Steelers lose, and Chiefs win. Get this - if the Steelers and Chiefs tie at 10-6, the playoff team will be determined by the result of the Broncos-Chargers game, even though that game is meaningless to the two teams playing!!! (Complicated. It has to do with tie-breakers, and the fact that the Chargers can still go 10-6, even though they can't make the playoffs.)

Jim Carrey hides in the crowd to disrupt the 'Today Show'

The man who created the 'Mother of All Bombs' dies at 67

  • Wait a minute. Kevin Costner is still alive, and he just turned 50.



Movie Reviews:

Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format. Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.




The House Where Evil Dwells (1982)

The House Where Evil Dwells follows the basic Amityville Horror framework, with a few twists:  we find out why the house is haunted before the opening credits; the house is in Japan; and the film is bookended with Japanese swordfights.

Long ago in Kyoto, the wife of a Samurai warrior (Mako Hatton) was tired of her hubby, and decided to have an affair with one of his students. She stole a magic netsuke from a witch, and seduced the student. Hubby came home and discovered them in the act. In this scene, we learn that a Samurai master, fully armed and dressed, has no trouble Benihana-ing a naked and unarmed couple.

So much for the ancient history.

Years later, Edward Albert arrives with wife Susan George and their young daughter to live in Kyoto and write a novel. Their friend, the ambassador, finds them a house to live in. You've probably guessed which house. The three ghosts inhabit the family members at will, and cause no end of mischief, including getting the wife to seduce the ambassador.

IMDb readers say 3.4. Coming three years after Amityville Horror, it is clearly a "me too" film, so just changing the setting and the ending was not enough to make this version special. This is a very low C- in the haunted house genre.

Susan George shows breasts, as does Mako Hatori as the wife of the Samurai.

Susan George
Mako Hatori


The Legend of Hell House (1973)

The Legend of Hell House is a "British paranormal research team must spend a week in a seriously cursed house" film. The team includes a physicist , his wife, a designated psychic, and the only survivor of the last time this was attempted. 

The scientist believes he can "exorcise the house" with a machine that reverses the charge of what he believes is measurable energy, and not proof of life after death at all. Wrong answer! Turns out the house is indeed evil, and does kill visitors. C'est la vie, or la mort, as the case may be.

The director did his best to turn this script into some sort of mystery, but the action so suspended my disbelief that I would have believed anything, and nothing came as a surprise, most especially Roddy McDowall's hammy performance as the second-timer. I found all of the characters irritating, and was actually rooting for the evil presence.

In all fairness, this is lavishly produced and is probably very good haunted house material, since IMDb readers award a generous 7.0, and critical reviews are also kind. For fans of the genre, this is evidently near the top of the heap, so it rates a C+.

Pamela Franklin does full frontal and rear nudity while allowing a ghost to have sex with her. At least, I think she did full frontal and rear nudity. The scene is so dark, I am not 100% sure.


Pamela Franklin






Monique Alexander in "Best Sex Ever"

Amberly Scott in "Hollywood Sexcapades"




Today we take a look at a strange little film called "Lucky." It's about a weirdo who has a dog named "Lucky" who talks to him, ala "Mr. Ed." The dog is evil and eventually drives him to tie up and torture his girl friend. Off camera, the dog kills her.

Here's Piper Cochrane, who starts off doing a dance for him,  and shows off the boobs. Then she becomes a naked "Babe in Bondage."





Mostly paparazzi. Starting overseas:

  • Lucinda Rhodes, the caption to whose picture tells us she is on the telly across the pond, apparently in a kids' show.  Lucky urchins. 
  • Lucy Clarkson seems to be getting more famous by the day for doing little more than getting nekkid.  A lot.  Not that anyone is complaining. 
  • Pamela David is on Italian TV. Gotta love their variety shows because the cast of each includes a fat old bald guy and a gorgeous young buxom gal.  Pamela is in the latter group. 
  • Antonella Mosetti is another of the Italian TV babes.
  • Paulina Rubio is a singer who cannot seem to keep her own clothes on.  Again, no complaints from any of us. 
  • And Sam Heuston.  Ah, yes, Sam ... he was a terrific President of the Republic of Texas and a kick-ass US Senator. Who woulda thunk he looked so good out of clothes.  At his age.  Seems spelling is everything and this Sam, with an e instead of an o in her last name was a contestant on Big Brother in the UK.  She dallied with both boys and girls on air and, again, she has the hardest time staying dressed.

Then, on the domestic side of things:

  • Ashley Olsen looking mighty fine for once
  • Carmen Electra looking slutty as usual
  • Heather Graham looking gorgeous as usual
  • Nicole Richie looking like she's been eating, so this is obviously an old set of pictures. 
  • Melyssa Ford and her most prized possession (not a paparazzi pic)
  • And the pantiless Kim Cattrall

Last up is Liz Phair, who gets her own section, but only because I haven't a clue whether she is foreign or domestic.  I am such a Philistine. 


Lucinda Rhodes Lucy Clarkson Pamela David Antonella Mosetti Paulina Rubio Sam Heuston
Sam Heuston Sam Heuston   Ashley Olsen Ashley Olsen Carmen Electra
Heather Graham Nicole Richie Melyssa Ford Kim Cattrall   Liz Phair



Mary Mendum - in The 1001 Perversions of Felicia!  
Dayle Haddon - in Gambling City  
Dayle Haddon - in Paperback Hero  
Taryn Manning - in Hustle and Flow