The Keeper (2004):
The Keeper is about a law officer whose mental processes have gone
off the deep end. Way off the deep end. Let's just say that the lights
are flashin', and the gate is down, but the train ain't comin'. Dennis
Hopper plays the loony lieutenant, and Asia Argento plays the object
of his lunacy, a stripper who almost becomes a murder victim. She is
on her way out of town when she's abducted by Krazy Kop, then locked
in a homemade jail cell in his basement. The policeman doesn't want to
kill, torture, or rape the dancer. He simply wants to protect her from
the world, and to teach her proper behavior. He's fallen far enough
from his rocker that he is convinced that he can court her while she
is in the makeshift prison, and that she will eventually fall in love
That premise is neither very original
(The Collector and Lady in a Cage covered similar ground), nor very
liberating to a screenwriter. After all, how many directions can one
take with such a premise? The woman can pretend to co-operate in order
to facilitate escape, and ... what else? In the end, the abductor and
the victim must face off, and you can usually place your money on the
victim. I don't know if we will see one where the two do fall in love
and live happily ever after; or maybe one where the women simply rots
away in the cage when the abductor has an auto accident; or maybe one
where the abductor finally realizes the plan won't work, so he kills
his victim and resumes his previous life with no one the wiser.
This script does manage to work around the
limitations of the main plot by introducing an extraordinarily daffy
sub-plot. The policeman, being the good cop that he really is at
heart, goes around to elementary schools with an anti-drug puppet show
of the Punch-and-Judy variety. A local producer has a grand vision
that the puppet shows might hit the big time if packaged properly. She
dreams that the shows could become public service programs for
national broadcast, and that the cop and his puppets could become
universal anti-crime icons like McGruff the Crime Dog. The element
which makes it so daffy is that the producer has a raging,
monomaniacal crush on the cop, and she is a deeply disturbed woman who
intends to do whatever is necessary to get her man. She's so disturbed
that even Dennis Hopper finds her a little odd! (The normally
dignified Helen Shaver seemed to have a good time playing this
uncharacteristic, scenery-chewing part.)
The focus of the movie changes a bit when the
king of the stalkers is himself being stalked! Normally it might be
kind of cool for an insane dude to have a beautiful groupie, but in this case,
ol' Hopper really doesn't want any female admirers dropping by his
house, since he has converted it to an ad-hoc reform school for wayward
strippers. When the producer does show up, the only result can be an
nut-off. Disappointingly, the ending of the film is back on familiar
ground, but there were a few moments of inspired lunacy on the way.
The Keeper had a four million dollar budget and was shopped at a couple of festivals back in 2004.
There were no bites from theatrical distributors so it ended
up entering the American market as a Showtime movie,
fading thence into
obscurity. Given that and the low IMDb score, this film is not likely to join
Psycho or Silence of the Lambs in the pantheon of great insanity
movies. On the other hand, the script is a lot less predictable and
more entertaining than I thought it would be, simply because Argento,
Shaver, and Hopper can be very watchable and the script strays off
into some unexpected directions.
Asia's butt shot may be a
body double because there is no sign of her tattoo. (See Mr Skin's
captures of Asia down in "Catch of the Day.") On the other hand, it's
possible that the angle and distance of the shot just obscure the tat,
and there is no reason to think Asia would want or need a body double,
given her nudography.
I Love Your Work (2003):
"What a piece of doggie doody! Do you believe how
big that was at Sundance?"
"Of course it was. It's about gay,
Dialogue from I Love
You might deduce from the exchange above that
writer-director-actor Adam Goldberg is not totally enchanted with the
movie industry. And I'm pretty sure you'd be right. The lead character
in this film is a movie star who is ... (wait for it) ... disenchanted
with fame. Fame means that he lives in fear of being stalked. Fame
means that he has a loveless, artificial, movie-star marriage. Fame means
that he has to hang out at phony-baloney Hollywood parties and talk to
star-fuckers. Fame means that he has lost the only happiness he ever
knew. This is the sort of thing that weighs on the minds of many who
achieve prominence and are universally recognized. They seem to have
abandoned the real world to live in a forced insularity. They hate
their island because it is full of sycophants and sleazeballs, but
they can't leave their island because the teeming ocean of fans
represents harassment and danger. They long for the days when they
lived a normal life. Those who are strong and intelligent find a way
to carve out a normal existence with their friends and family, aided
of course by the bazillions of dollars which come with the positive
side of fame. (But being famous and poor - THAT would suck.) The character in this film is not one of the strong. The
negative aspects of fame do not merely weigh on his mind, but have
crushed it. He magnifies and/or distorts every small irritation into a
dramatic crisis, and can only escape through fantasies - or perhaps
they are delusions - or perhaps they are memories.
In the end, Gray Evans ends up turning the tables
on the fans who want to be in his life. He starts to stalk one of his
own fans, a modest video store clerk who is working his way through
film school, because the young man and his adoring girlfriend remind
him of when he was happy, before he was a star. As the star gets more
involved in the lives of the couple, to the point where he is spending
some time with them and eavesdropping on them the rest of the time,
his delusions gradually start to reform themselves until he can no
longer distinguish the young man from himself at an earlier time in
his life. Tragedy ensues.
This film is
the work of a man who aspires to be taken seriously as an artist,
and he is intent on portraying the state of Gray's madness. He
accomplishes this in two ways. First, he switches back and forth
from Gray's POV to reality. Second, he expends a lot of energy
showing Gray twitching, grimacing, tossing, and turning. The
character is played by Giovanni Ribisi, who may be the only actor in
the world who seems to have more tics and neuroses than director
Adam Goldberg himself.
Goldberg has some smarts and some talent, but
he's at a point in his filmmaking career where he's just taking
himself much too seriously, and I Love Your Work seems too much like a
senior project at NYU film school - just too eager to establish
heavyweight artistic cred by being both opaque and tragic. As an
actor, Goldberg has been most effective when he has turned his
wound-too-tight persona into self-parody. Goldberg's work in The
Hebrew Hammer, for example, is a brilliant use of his intensity for
deadpan comedy. After all, the world only
needs about one guy like Ralph Fiennes, and even Fiennes himself is
starting to play more genial characters. The Fiennes Principle also applies to writers and directors.
We only need about one Bergman per millennium. I'll bet that Goldberg's
too-intense, audience-be-damned style of writing and
directing would also benefit from being a lot more laid-back, and
from trying to establish an emotional communication with his audience rather than
showing off for them.
I Love Your Work screened in Toronto in 2003, then at SXSW and Cannes
Film Market in the spring of 2004. Not much action. It floated around
in limbo for more than a year until it finally received a theatrical
release in (per Box Office Mojo) one theater in November of 2005. It
earned some respect, but too many people simply felt it was an
unapproachable, inaccessible film. I have to agree.
Many of the fans in the movie wish they could
make contact with Gray Evans, but he just insists on keeping his
distance. I feel the same way about the movie itself. I wanted to like
it, but it just kept twitching, darting its eyes around, mumbling, and
moving away uncomfortably, Ribisi-style.
FILM clips: (zipped .wmv) (1,
President Bush Denounces Afghan Death Sentence
for Smart Fella Who Converted to the One and Only True Version of
The new Burger King value meal ...
Man Is Charged $4,300 for Four Burgers
Man wins first and second in Norwegian fishing
contest with total haul less than an ounce
Is Alex Trebek really Mr Mxyzptlk?
"The 10 Best 80s Movie Music Videos"
Don't despair. You may yet be rich.
Islamorada, Florida may need to purchase human
shit. (True story)
Hollywoody reviews Inside Man
Two clips from Brick
- "Brick, the dynamic debut feature from writer/director Rian
Johnson, won the Sundance Film Festival's Special Jury Prize for
Originality of Vision. While taking its cues and its verbal style
from the novels of Dashiell Hammett, it also honors the rich
cinematic tradition of the hard-boiled noir mystery, here wittily
and bracingly immersed in fresh territory – a modern-day Southern
California neighborhood and high school. "
Six clips from Slither
Here's a cheery review:
"Basic Instinct 2 is going to go down in
history as not only one of the worst sequels of all time, but also
one of the worst films of all time."
- "British actor David ‘Who?’ Morrissey is so inexcusably bad
and so transparently bland – his face encompasses the one fatigued
expression for the film’s duration, looking like a guy that’s
taken one too many Talohexane- that it’ll have everyone wondering
why the heck he was chosen. Morrissey may have well been a pillow;
he would’ve produced about as much heat in the bedroom scenes."
The most amusing statistic in baseball - David
Ortiz's official weight: 230.
- I think they may have moved a decimal point, or maybe he
thought he was supposed to provide his birth weight.
Weekly World News:
Top five secrets the government wants to keep from you.
Was Beethoven unable to hear the applause when the 9th
The Dallas Morning News is doing the own version of March
Madness to pick the most obnoxious celebrity
- The first round is over, and the field has been narrowed to eight.
- I know the competition is stiff, but how could Rosie O'Donnell and Tom
Cruise not even get seeded?
Live news reporter gets streaked
The best of the Man Show Boy
First Look at School for Scoundrels (comedy with Nap
Dynamite and Billy Bob)
Family Guy's Peter Griffin does the Letterman Top Ten
Some silly French men launch themselves into the air with a
The Art of Britney Spears
- A report on the artist who has created the Britney birthing sculpture and
other wacky projects, including "The Ted Williams Memorial Display with Death
Mask from The Ben Affleck 2004 World Series Collection."
Is dad's birthday looming? Why not get him the
Remote-controlled, 80000 volt electric suitcase.
A "hot" seller at only about a thousand bucks. Get 'em while they last.
The trailer for Love + Hate
- "Uncompromising and passionate, Love + Hate charts the story of two young
people from conflicting backgrounds who fall hopelessly in love. Torn between
loyalties to friends and family, the young lovers find themselves caught in a
devastating crossfire between faith and feeling, tradition and instinct, love
and hate. The film details the turmoil of ordinary people from differing
backgrounds as they embark on the search to discover if those differences are
truly skin deep."
"BARRY BONDS DEMANDS DRUG TESTS FOR JOURNALISTS"
... "Claims Latest Steroids Books Were Written On Steroids"
- “In the 1970's there were no books about steroid use, and now a new one
comes out every week," Mr. Bonds said. “The only way to explain such an
extreme increase in production is that these writers are obviously juiced.”
Mr. Bonds’ charges drew an immediate rebuttal from Carol Foyler, a
spokesperson for the Baseball Writers Association of America, who denied that
baseball journalists were on steroids and instead attributed their increased
production to advancements in nutrition and training.
'Brokeback' Takes Top Film at Gay Awards
- It was chosen for its "sensitive presentation of gay relationships to
mainstream America," and because "it was the only one of the choices we ever
Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn are reportedly engaged.
London mayor likens the U.S. Ambassador to a "chiseling little crook"
- C'mon. You mean diplomatic immunity doesn't extrend to robbing convenience
stores? Who could have known that?
RapidShare Video: a clip from Sex is Zero, a Korean youthploitation film.
RapidShare Video: here's that deleted threesome footage from Basic Instinct 2
The Weekend Warrior looks at the upcoming weekend.
- Ice Age 2 is the first major movie event of the year, and the Warrior
thinks it will open huge, at $50 million
- The studios will be thrilled if his numbers are close. The top twelve
would add up to $121 million. The best weekend of the year so far has been
- His numbers would mean about a 25% increase over last year. No previous
weekend in 2006 has been more than 13% higher than the corresponding 2005
- He doesn't have much enthusiasm for Basic Instinct 2. I agree. I'm curious
about the movie but I know there was a lot deleted to get an R, and I view
this as something of a rip-off, so I'm going to wait for the DVD and see the
The official website
for Scary Movie 4
The Daily Show analyzes the protests against the proposed new immigration laws
The Daily Show reviews Fox News's Spring Break Coverage
- "Warning ... this story about a serial killer might give you an erection."
"A new Wal-Mart has a sushi bar and bathrooms that don't reek of elderly
greeters' urine and tears."
"If that's burning car you smell in the air, you know what that means: more
In addition to changing quarterbacks, the Vikings are changing uniforms for the
2006 season. (I vote for those 1976 White Sox
uniforms with the shorts.)
"How often does an asteroid whiz by the Earth? The above time-lapse animation
follows the orbit of the Earth around the Sun for two months in 2002 "
reality show for geeks - who compete to create their own superhero comic
There is such a job as breast-powderer? I don't
want to do that. I want to run the training academy.
URL says it all:
"Man Wearing Milk Crate Robs Store" (With
slideshow and security video!)
"It's a match made in geek heaven. A marriage between Star Wars and
There is a very good reason why some ham tastes like dog shit
Jon Stewart interviews foreign policy expert Michael Mandelbaum
'6/6/06' sky banner sparks concerned calls
Patriot Act: The Home Game
- "The board game that brings the thrill of trampling the Constitution right
into your home..."
Family Guy takes on Star Trek TNG
Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format.
Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.
First up today, we return to "Barbarian Queen" for the
rest of the girls.
Dawn Dunlap breasts as she becomes a
"Babe in Bondage."
Katt Shea tits as two baddies attempt to
Susan Traverso boobies in another rape
An unknown "Babe in Bondage" who has been treated rather roughly.
Unknown full frontal jumping out of bed.
More unknowns with tits and some full frontal.
Dann reports on Harvest of Fear
The story is not too bad in this 2004 horror flick, but the acting mostly
is, and the script's not great either. They did manage a fairly nice
twisty ending, but they telegraphed it so that you'll probably figure out
the killer before they reveal it. I did.
Twenty years earlier in the
small town of Devil's Lake, young college student couples were killed
while attending the Harvest Festival. A local man was accused but killed
himself before he could be tried for the murders.
Now it's Harvest Festival
time again, and once again visiting student couples begin to die in the
same manner as twenty years before. Is it the same killer, or a copycat?
The highlight of this movie
is the first killing where the female victim is bouncily running topless
through the woods trying to escape. The rest of the movie doesn't measure
Shocking! The Ghost turned off Skinemax and decided to watch
some movies! Cable movies, of course.
Lisa Welti in Don't See Alone
Pat's comments in yellow...
n a poll of FHM magazine readers, Scarlett Johansson rose from #9 last year to
top this year's "100 Sexiest Women in the World" list, followed by last year's
#1, Angelina Jolie, and Jessica Alba. The editor said Johansson has caught fire
with men not just because of her beauty and sultry voice but her confidence. He
said, "She seems to be one of those women who would be equally at ease on the
red carpet as she would just hanging out with the guys."
* They're right: nobody hangs out like Scarlett does.
* She's the kind of gal who wouldn't knock your teeth out if you squeezed
her boob during a red carpet interview.
* FHM readers like big boobs, which explains why their #2 choice is an
* Hey, Angelina likes to hang out with the guys! Mostly at tattoo parlors, but
* The FBI said they found no evidence that Steven Seagal hired L.A. private eye
Anthony Pellicano to deposit a dead fish on a reporter's windshield
Just look at Seagal: if he had a dead fish, he'd fry it
and eat it.