The Keeper (2004):

The Keeper is about a law officer whose mental processes have gone off the deep end. Way off the deep end. Let's just say that the lights are flashin', and the gate is down, but the train ain't comin'. Dennis Hopper plays the loony lieutenant, and Asia Argento plays the object of his lunacy, a stripper who almost becomes a murder victim. She is on her way out of town when she's abducted by Krazy Kop, then locked in a homemade jail cell in his basement. The policeman doesn't want to kill, torture, or rape the dancer. He simply wants to protect her from the world, and to teach her proper behavior. He's fallen far enough from his rocker that he is convinced that he can court her while she is in the makeshift prison, and that she will eventually fall in love with him.

That premise is neither very original (The Collector and Lady in a Cage covered similar ground), nor very liberating to a screenwriter. After all, how many directions can one take with such a premise? The woman can pretend to co-operate in order to facilitate escape, and ... what else? In the end, the abductor and the victim must face off, and you can usually place your money on the victim. I don't know if we will see one where the two do fall in love and live happily ever after; or maybe one where the women simply rots away in the cage when the abductor has an auto accident; or maybe one where the abductor finally realizes the plan won't work, so he kills his victim and resumes his previous life with no one the wiser.

This script does manage to work around the limitations of the main plot by introducing an extraordinarily daffy sub-plot. The policeman, being the good cop that he really is at heart, goes around to elementary schools with an anti-drug puppet show of the Punch-and-Judy variety. A local producer has a grand vision that the puppet shows might hit the big time if packaged properly. She dreams that the shows could become public service programs for national broadcast, and that the cop and his puppets could become universal anti-crime icons like McGruff the Crime Dog. The element which makes it so daffy is that the producer has a raging, monomaniacal crush on the cop, and she is a deeply disturbed woman who intends to do whatever is necessary to get her man. She's so disturbed that even Dennis Hopper finds her a little odd! (The normally dignified Helen Shaver seemed to have a good time playing this uncharacteristic, scenery-chewing part.)

The focus of the movie changes a bit when the king of the stalkers is himself being stalked! Normally it might be kind of cool for an insane dude to have a beautiful groupie, but in this case, ol' Hopper really doesn't want any female admirers dropping by his house, since he has converted it to an ad-hoc reform school for wayward strippers. When the producer does show up, the only result can be an ol' fashioned nut-off. Disappointingly, the ending of the film is back on familiar ground, but there were a few moments of inspired lunacy on the way.

The Keeper had a four million dollar budget and was shopped at a couple of festivals back in 2004. There were no bites from theatrical distributors so it ended up entering the American market as a Showtime movie, fading thence into obscurity. Given that and the low IMDb score, this film is not likely to join Psycho or Silence of the Lambs in the pantheon of great insanity movies. On the other hand, the script is a lot less predictable and more entertaining than I thought it would be, simply because Argento, Shaver, and Hopper can be very watchable and the script strays off into some unexpected directions.


Asia Argento.

Asia's butt shot may be a body double because there is no sign of her tattoo. (See Mr Skin's captures of Asia down in "Catch of the Day.") On the other hand, it's possible that the angle and distance of the shot just obscure the tat, and there is no reason to think Asia would want or need a body double, given her nudography.



I Love Your Work (2003):

"What a piece of doggie doody! Do you believe how big that was at Sundance?"

"Of course it was. It's about gay, heroin-addicted angels."

Dialogue from I Love Your Work


You might deduce from the exchange above that writer-director-actor Adam Goldberg is not totally enchanted with the movie industry. And I'm pretty sure you'd be right. The lead character in this film is a movie star who is ... (wait for it) ... disenchanted with fame. Fame means that he lives in fear of being stalked. Fame means that he has a loveless, artificial, movie-star marriage. Fame means that he has to hang out at phony-baloney Hollywood parties and talk to star-fuckers. Fame means that he has lost the only happiness he ever knew. This is the sort of thing that weighs on the minds of many who achieve prominence and are universally recognized. They seem to have abandoned the real world to live in a forced insularity. They hate their island because it is full of sycophants and sleazeballs, but they can't leave their island because the teeming ocean of fans represents harassment and danger. They long for the days when they lived a normal life. Those who are strong and intelligent find a way to carve out a normal existence with their friends and family, aided of course by the bazillions of dollars which come with the positive side of fame. (But being famous and poor - THAT would suck.) The character in this film is not one of the strong. The negative aspects of fame do not merely weigh on his mind, but have crushed it. He magnifies and/or distorts every small irritation into a dramatic crisis, and can only escape through fantasies - or perhaps they are delusions - or perhaps they are memories.

In the end, Gray Evans ends up turning the tables on the fans who want to be in his life. He starts to stalk one of his own fans, a modest video store clerk who is working his way through film school, because the young man and his adoring girlfriend remind him of when he was happy, before he was a star. As the star gets more involved in the lives of the couple, to the point where he is spending some time with them and eavesdropping on them the rest of the time, his delusions gradually start to reform themselves until he can no longer distinguish the young man from himself at an earlier time in his life. Tragedy ensues.

This film is the work of a man who aspires to be taken seriously as an artist, and he is intent on portraying the state of Gray's madness. He accomplishes this in two ways. First, he switches back and forth from Gray's POV to reality. Second, he expends a lot of energy showing Gray twitching, grimacing, tossing, and turning. The character is played by Giovanni Ribisi, who may be the only actor in the world who seems to have more tics and neuroses than director Adam Goldberg himself.

Goldberg has some smarts and some talent, but he's at a point in his filmmaking career where he's just taking himself much too seriously, and I Love Your Work seems too much like a senior project at NYU film school - just too eager to establish heavyweight artistic cred by being both opaque and tragic. As an actor, Goldberg has been most effective when he has turned his wound-too-tight persona into self-parody. Goldberg's work in The Hebrew Hammer, for example, is a brilliant use of his intensity for deadpan comedy. After all, the world only needs about one guy like Ralph Fiennes, and even Fiennes himself is starting to play more genial characters. The Fiennes Principle also applies to writers and directors. We only need about one Bergman per millennium.  I'll bet that Goldberg's too-intense, audience-be-damned style of writing and directing would also benefit from being a lot more laid-back, and from trying to establish an emotional communication with his audience rather than showing off for them.

I Love Your Work screened in Toronto in 2003, then at SXSW and Cannes Film Market in the spring of 2004. Not much action. It floated around in limbo for more than a year until it finally received a theatrical release in (per Box Office Mojo) one theater in November of 2005. It earned some respect, but too many people simply felt it was an unapproachable, inaccessible film. I have to agree. Many of the fans in the movie wish they could make contact with Gray Evans, but he just insists on keeping his distance. I feel the same way about the movie itself. I wanted to like it, but it just kept twitching, darting its eyes around, mumbling, and moving away uncomfortably, Ribisi-style.


Franka Potente   FILM clips: (zipped .wmv) (1, 2)
Christina Ricci

Other Crap:

President Bush Denounces Afghan Death Sentence for Smart Fella Who Converted to the One and Only True Version of God (WHITEHOUSE.ORG)

The new Burger King value meal ... Man Is Charged $4,300 for Four Burgers

Man wins first and second in Norwegian fishing contest with total haul less than an ounce

Is Alex Trebek really Mr Mxyzptlk?

"The 10 Best 80s Movie Music Videos"

Don't despair. You may yet be rich. Islamorada, Florida may need to purchase human shit. (True story)

Hollywoody reviews Inside Man

Two clips from Brick

  • "Brick, the dynamic debut feature from writer/director Rian Johnson, won the Sundance Film Festival's Special Jury Prize for Originality of Vision. While taking its cues and its verbal style from the novels of Dashiell Hammett, it also honors the rich cinematic tradition of the hard-boiled noir mystery, here wittily and bracingly immersed in fresh territory – a modern-day Southern California neighborhood and high school. "

Six clips from Slither

Here's a cheery review: "Basic Instinct 2 is going to go down in history as not only one of the worst sequels of all time, but also one of the worst films of all time."

  • "British actor David ‘Who?’ Morrissey is so inexcusably bad and so transparently bland – his face encompasses the one fatigued expression for the film’s duration, looking like a guy that’s taken one too many Talohexane- that it’ll have everyone wondering why the heck he was chosen. Morrissey may have well been a pillow; he would’ve produced about as much heat in the bedroom scenes."

The most amusing statistic in baseball - David Ortiz's official weight: 230.

  • I think they may have moved a decimal point, or maybe he thought he was supposed to provide his birth weight.

Weekly World News: Top five secrets the government wants to keep from you.

Was Beethoven unable to hear the applause when the 9th Symphony premiered?

The Dallas Morning News is doing the own version of March Madness to pick the most obnoxious celebrity

  • The first round is over, and the field has been narrowed to eight.
  • I know the competition is stiff, but how could Rosie O'Donnell and Tom Cruise not even get seeded?

VIDEO: Live news reporter gets streaked

Videos: The best of the Man Show Boy

First Look at School for Scoundrels (comedy with Nap Dynamite and Billy Bob)

Family Guy's Peter Griffin does the Letterman Top Ten

Some silly French men launch themselves into the air with a giant slingshot.

The Art of Britney Spears

  • A report on the artist who has created the Britney birthing sculpture and other wacky projects, including "The Ted Williams Memorial Display with Death Mask from The Ben Affleck 2004 World Series Collection."

Is dad's birthday looming? Why not get him the Remote-controlled, 80000 volt electric suitcase. A "hot" seller at only about a thousand bucks. Get 'em while they last.

The trailer for Love + Hate

  • "Uncompromising and passionate, Love + Hate charts the story of two young people from conflicting backgrounds who fall hopelessly in love. Torn between loyalties to friends and family, the young lovers find themselves caught in a devastating crossfire between faith and feeling, tradition and instinct, love and hate. The film details the turmoil of ordinary people from differing backgrounds as they embark on the search to discover if those differences are truly skin deep."

"BARRY BONDS DEMANDS DRUG TESTS FOR JOURNALISTS" ... "Claims Latest Steroids Books Were Written On Steroids"

  • “In the 1970's there were no books about steroid use, and now a new one comes out every week," Mr. Bonds said. “The only way to explain such an extreme increase in production is that these writers are obviously juiced.” Mr. Bonds’ charges drew an immediate rebuttal from Carol Foyler, a spokesperson for the Baseball Writers Association of America, who denied that baseball journalists were on steroids and instead attributed their increased production to advancements in nutrition and training.

'Brokeback' Takes Top Film at Gay Awards

  • It was chosen for its "sensitive presentation of gay relationships to mainstream America," and because "it was the only one of the choices we ever heard of."

Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn are reportedly engaged.

London mayor likens the U.S. Ambassador to a "chiseling little crook"

  • C'mon. You mean diplomatic immunity doesn't extrend to robbing convenience stores? Who could have known that?

RapidShare Video: a clip from Sex is Zero, a Korean youthploitation film. (SOUTH Korean!)

RapidShare Video: here's that deleted threesome footage from Basic Instinct 2

The Weekend Warrior looks at the upcoming weekend.

  • Ice Age 2 is the first major movie event of the year, and the Warrior thinks it will open huge, at $50 million
  • The studios will be thrilled if his numbers are close. The top twelve would add up to $121 million. The best weekend of the year so far has been $111 million.
  • His numbers would mean about a 25% increase over last year. No previous weekend in 2006 has been more than 13% higher than the corresponding 2005 weekend.
  • He doesn't have much enthusiasm for Basic Instinct 2. I agree. I'm curious about the movie but I know there was a lot deleted to get an R, and I view this as something of a rip-off, so I'm going to wait for the DVD and see the whole magilla.

The official website for Scary Movie 4

The Daily Show analyzes the protests against the proposed new immigration laws

The Daily Show reviews Fox News's Spring Break Coverage

  • "Warning ... this story about a serial killer might give you an erection."

Daily Show: "A new Wal-Mart has a sushi bar and bathrooms that don't reek of elderly greeters' urine and tears."

Daily Show: "If that's burning car you smell in the air, you know what that means: more French riots!"

In addition to changing quarterbacks, the Vikings are changing uniforms for the 2006 season. (I vote for those 1976 White Sox uniforms with the shorts.)

"How often does an asteroid whiz by the Earth? The above time-lapse animation follows the orbit of the Earth around the Sun for two months in 2002 "

A reality show for geeks - who compete to create their own superhero comic

Light-Transmitting Concrete

There is such a job as breast-powderer? I don't want to do that. I want to run the training academy.

URL says it all:

"Man Wearing Milk Crate Robs Store" (With slideshow and security video!)

"It's a match made in geek heaven. A marriage between Star Wars and Transformers."

There is a very good reason why some ham tastes like dog shit

Jon Stewart interviews foreign policy expert Michael Mandelbaum

'6/6/06' sky banner sparks concerned calls

Patriot Act: The Home Game

  • "The board game that brings the thrill of trampling the Constitution right into your home..."

Family Guy takes on Star Trek TNG


Movie Reviews:

Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format. Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.




Gwendoline (1985)

Tuna's comprehensive review includes some embedded images. Read it here.

Tawny Kitaen






First up today, we return to "Barbarian Queen" for the rest of the girls.

Dawn Dunlap breasts as she becomes a "Babe in Bondage."

Katt Shea tits as two baddies attempt to rape her.

Susan Traverso boobies in another rape attempt.

An unknown "Babe in Bondage" who has been treated rather roughly.


Unknown full frontal jumping out of bed.

More unknowns with tits and some full frontal.






Dann reports on Harvest of Fear

The story is not too bad in this 2004 horror flick, but the acting mostly is, and the script's not great either. They did manage a fairly nice twisty ending, but they telegraphed it so that you'll probably figure out the killer before they reveal it. I did.

Twenty years earlier in the small town of Devil's Lake, young college student couples were killed while attending the Harvest Festival. A local man was accused but killed himself before he could be tried for the murders.

Now it's Harvest Festival time again, and once again visiting student couples begin to die in the same manner as twenty years before. Is it the same killer, or a copycat?

The highlight of this movie is the first killing where the female victim is bouncily running topless through the woods trying to escape. The rest of the movie doesn't measure up, unfortunately.

Dawnn Pavlonnis





Shocking! The Ghost turned off Skinemax and decided to watch some movies! Cable movies, of course.

Lisa Welti in Don't See Alone




Zara Taylor in Masters of Horror. Zipped .mpg here, sample collage below
Chelah Horsdal in Masters of Horror. Zipped .avi here, sample collage below
Tina Holmes - in Six Feet Under. Zipped .avi here, sample capture below.
Asia Argento in Les morsures de l'aube (for comparison to the new pictures from the Keeper)
3 brief moments of nudity from The L Word: Rosanna Arquette (l); Jennifer Beals (c); Lauren Lee Smith (r).


Pat's comments in yellow...

n a poll of FHM magazine readers, Scarlett Johansson rose from #9 last year to top this year's "100 Sexiest Women in the World" list, followed by last year's #1, Angelina Jolie, and Jessica Alba.  The editor said Johansson has caught fire with men not just because of her beauty and sultry voice but her confidence.  He said, "She seems to be one of those women who would be equally at ease on the red carpet as she would just hanging out with the guys."

*  They're right: nobody hangs out like Scarlett does.

*  She's the kind of gal who wouldn't knock your teeth out if you squeezed
her boob during a red carpet interview.

*  FHM readers like big boobs, which explains why their #2 choice is an
eight-months-pregnant woman.

*  Hey, Angelina likes to hang out with the guys!  Mostly at tattoo parlors, but still...

*  The FBI said they found no evidence that Steven Seagal hired L.A. private eye Anthony Pellicano to deposit a dead fish on a reporter's windshield

Just look at Seagal: if he had a dead fish, he'd fry it and eat it.