Web (Uncle Scoopy)
Tom Sizemore sex tape, part 6:
We will carry it in eight parts, as it was posted in Usenet.
Part Six is just
more of Sizemore and the three hookers in various combinations
Various Positions (2002):
Various Positions relates the story of a love affair
between Josh, a college student from a conservative Jewish family
and, Cheryth, a completely secular young half-Jewish woman who moves
into the neighboring dorm room. Josh's parents are orthodox, and
extremely punctilious in their observations of Jewish law. His
father, for example, is considering disinterring every body in a
Jewish cemetery because a non-Jew was unknowingly buried there. As
conservative as they are, his parents seem like atheists compared
to his younger brother, who appears to be only about fourteen years
old and yet has apparently memorized the entire body of
Jewish law and teachings from the time of Moses to
the present day, including all various scholarly interpretations and
Josh is not very religious, but he respects his parents, so when he's around
them he hides his 7-Eleven Ham Burritos and plays the unleavened bread game.
Needless to say, Cheryth is just not Jewish enough for Josh's family. No
surprise there. Moses wouldn't have been Jewish enough for this group. Josh's
dad offers him three options: get Cheryth to convert to orthodoxy, dump her, or
be banished forever from their family. In some cases, Josh's answer might have
been a middle finger, but this is a complicated situation. First of all, he
truly respects his dad, who survived the holocaust to become a famous attorney,
and his mom, who was instrumental in the founding of Israel. In addition, he
really doesn't know Cheryth that well. He likes her. He loves her as much as a
man may love a woman he just met, but he's also seen worrisome elements of her
personality and Josh wonders if their tenuous love connection is deep enough to
make him turn his back on his family.
How does the dilemma get resolved? Well, I reckon you'll
have to watch the movie to find that out, but I can reveal that the
film does not offer any simplistic Hollywood solutions. Dude, it's
not a Reese Witherspoon movie. It's complicated, like life itself.
In fact, this film is about as far from a Hollywood movie as any
North American film can be. That presents measures of good and bad.
The strongest element of the film is that the script is about lovers who have to make
decisions which will affect the rest of their lives, long after the
events portrayed in an 81 minute movie, rather than the Hollywood
approach of "lovers embrace, music swells, closing credits
scroll because they are back together and nothing else matters,
dammit!" The obverse side of the anti-Hollywood coin is that Various Positions
has about zero commercial appeal, and lots of moments which ring of "Hey,
kids, my dad has a barn, let's put on a show!" It was written
and directed by a Canadian film school student. The film's star also
wrote some of the musical score. It was filmed entirely on digital
video in mundane locations. The budget appears to have been in the
range of eleven dollars - and that's not eleven greenbacks, but
eleven dollars worth of pink and purple Beaver Bucks. In spite of that nagging amateurishness,
however, the film is at least an earnest attempt to portray real people
trying to work their way through difficult situations, and it
portrays life as complex rather than simple. It does not offer a
facile "love conquers all" message, not does it scorn parents who
adhere to traditional values despite the pressures of the modern
world. There is much to be said for
that, even when the situations are not easy for us to identify with.
Can I say it is a bad movie? Absolutely not. It has merit, but its quiet
successes will be celebrated by only a tiny audience. I would never have watched
it if Carly Pope had not done a sex scene, and I found it both tedious and
painfully amateurish at times, but I also liked and admired it at other times.
These are my Carly Pope collages from the film
Somebody else did this one
From the file names, I assume that the same guy who did that picture also did
this film clip
The Pyx (1973)
So what the hell is a pyx, anyway?
Well, it's a real thing, with an obscure religious purpose. Let me explain
with an analogy. Suppose you want to take your wife to Applebee's for her
birthday because she really likes the hot taco salad, but she's too
sick to travel. You can go by yourself and pick her up a take-out
order, which Applebee's will pack in a styrofoam container to keep
it warm on the trip home.
Now suppose you are a Catholic, and your wife is
too sick to go to Mass, but she wants to participate in the
sacrament of Holy Eucharist (communion). Well, like Applebee's, the
Catholic Church has take-out orders which can be delivered to
shut-ins. They do not, however, stick a consecrated host in a
styrofoam container. I'm pretty sure they would consider that
disrespectful, since they believe that the consecrated host is the
body of Christ himself. Instead, they deliver the blessed hosts in
something called a pyx. There are many different kinds, but the most
common type looks just like a pocket watch, except that when opened it
contains no mechanical parts, but merely a small piece of unleavened
bread. Many of them are intricate and ornate, and they are usually
formed from various combinations of gems and precious metals.
So how do you write a script about such a thing?
Something like this:
A police detective in Montreal investigates the
mysterious death of a hooker. Her nearly naked body is found on the
sidewalk in front of a high-rise building. She either jumped or was
pushed from the roof.
The detective believes that the explanation of her death will hinge
on determining why an heroin-addicted prostitute, who was not even a
practicing Catholic, was clutching something so esoteric as a pyx.
Once you learn what a pyx is, you can probably
solve this mystery quickly. Let's see, I think we can assume that a
non-religious junkie hooker was not bringing the sacrament of Holy
Eucharist to the sick. So what else might one need a consecrated
host for? How about a black mass?
The film is told in two separate stories, cutting
between them almost at random until they converge inevitably. On the
one hand, we watch the detective try to solve the crime. On the
other hand, we flash back to watch the hooker's final days. As we see how she died, the story cuts back to the detective, who
has finally figured out what we just saw, and is bursting in on the
killer, handgun drawn. The hooker's half of the movie is resolved
with no supernatural elements. She is recruited for the black mass,
she rebels when asked to defile the consecrated host, runs from the
room, tragedy ensues, and she is back on the sidewalk where we first
saw her. There is no indication that the Satan-worshippers are
anything but deluded maniacs. On the other hand, the final face-off
between the detective and the senior satanist seems to veer the film
ninety degrees away from the straightforward police procedural which
it has been, and to imply that the maniacs may really be in contact
with pure eeee-villlll.
To cut to the chase, this film is not worth watching in its
current condition. To begin with, some scenes are
completely irrelevant to either of the parallel stories (an argument
between the detective and his girlfriend, and various "driving to
the destination" scenes, for example). That might
not be so bad except that those irrelevant scenes are also banal and
utterly boring, so you would have to struggle to keep your
concentration on this film even under the best of conditions.
Unfortunately, we do not have the best of conditions. If the film itself is merely bad news, the DVD is
a catastrophe. Although the DVD includes a widescreen version, the
picture quality is inferior to the worst video tape you have ever
seen. It looks like a movie taped from broadcast TV, then dubbed and
re-dubbed until your copy is several generations removed from the original. Every
scene is filled with noise. Some dark scenes are nearly solid
blackness, while some bright scenes are nearly pure white. Not only
that, but the aspect ratio is not correctly represented, so you will
see a film consisting entirely of
very thin people. The sound
is not much better than the picture, with voices sounding hollow and
sometimes appearing to be dubbed poorly.
Having recited that litany of problems, let me
also state that there are some interesting elements to the film:
- Christopher Plummer plays the police detective,
and brings a modicum of professionalism to the film. On the other
hand, Plummer is not one of those energetic Shakespearian actors
like Olivier or Richard Harris. His brand of professionalism is
stiff and aloof, and that makes some tedious scenes even more
- Karen Black plays the junkie hooker, and she
walks through her last few minutes on screen wearing nothing but
see-through lingerie. (The character also has two rear nude
scenes, but these seem to have been performed by a body double.)
- Miss Black also composed and sang several songs
for the soundtrack. Her numbers sound sort of like a cross between
Buffy Saint-Marie and Enya, thus lending some scenes a spooky,
warbling folk vibe.
- Speaking of music, the Gregorian chant
accompanying the black mass is some of the strangest stuff I've
ever heard. In some cases the sound editor slowed down the human
voices to a bass growl in order to make them sound spooky. The
effect was pretty creepy, so that decision made some sense. What
didn't make sense is that he also sped some of the voices up, and
that section sounds like a 33 1/3 record played at 78. This is
supposed to be a tense scene, but I challenge you not to laugh out
loud when you hear the speeded-up music.
Or maybe that sound editor didn't really speed up
some stock Gregorian chant. Maybe he just used the famous Chipmunks
Unholy Sabbath album. Yeah, I guess that would explain why Satan
keeps saying, "Alvin! Alvin!!!!"
Captures and comments from Melaninis
This is Soledad Miranda from Jess Franco's film
(She is credited as "Susan Korday")
'Caps and comments by Hankster:
First up is "Sunstorm" which has plenty of hot babes, sadly they all keep
their clothes on, but Elena Lyons ...
... and Margaret Scarborough give us some
cleavage and leg ...
... and wind up as "Babes in Bondage".
For the nudity we took the Time machine back twenty
years to Tawny Kitaen and "Witchboard". Sexy Tawny gives us boobs and bush as
she comes out of a shower that won't shut off.
'Caps, clips, and comments by ICMS:
Today we've got 4 clips of a lesser known actress. She's from Britain
and responds to the name of Juliet Stevenson.
The reason why she isn't better
known can probably be best summarized in this personal quote frrom her
biography page in the IMDb: "I'm hardly Hollywood material - they're interested
in youth and perfection and I lay no claims to either. It's not a place that's
particularly interested in talent.".
At any rate, she got all hot and steamy, and full frontal too, in 1993's
"Secret Rapture", as you can see in these clips. (1,
The women of Les Poupees Russes
Carmen Perez in Barbership, season 1, episode 6
|Denise Virieux in Schimanski Suende
|Agathe Petit paparazzi
|Vickie Benson in The Wraith
|Lindsay Lohan falls out of her dress
|Nectar Rose in The Hazing
|Tiffany Shepis in The Hazing
Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the
review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that
there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written
by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too
ashamed to admit it.
Who Makes How Much - New York's Salary Guide, 2005
Conan O'Brien's quotables for the week:
- "Yesterday, Michael Brown, the head of FEMA, who was heavily
criticized for his handling of the Katrina disaster, decided to
resign. Brown's next job is to oversee NBC's fall line-up."
- "This week Disney opened its first ever theme park in China.
More than ten thousand children showed up on opening day. And that
was just to make the T-shirts."
- "Congratulations to Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, they
had a baby yesterday. Spears said he sleeps 18 hours a day and so
does the baby."
- "During his testimony in front of the Senate today, Supreme
Court nominee John Roberts said that his favorite movie was 'Dr.
Zhivago.' President Bush said that 'I also love 'Dr. Zhivago,'
especially the part where he talks to the animals.'"
Lil' Kim Reports to Prison
Kelly Monaco defends her Dancing With The Stars title this week.
In honor of that, here is the
Kelly Monaco Playmate Gallery Courtesy of PlayboyPlus.com!
Three trailers from Look Both Ways, another award-winner at
Toronto. "Meryl imagines disaster coming from every direction -
train crashes, man-eating sharks, baby eating killer whales... and
then there's Nick."
The official TSOTSI Film Site - a big audience favorite at
The trailer for Screen Door Jesus
- The debut feature from award-winning writer/director Kirk
Davis, "Screen Door Jesus," is a wry, comedic observation of
religion, race and the "damnable" struggle between the ideals of
faith and the confusing and often contradictory moral issues of
everyday life. As entertaining as it is thought provoking, Screen
Door Jesus shines a light on religion, exposing the many grey
The central thread of this unusual story involves a vision of
Jesus sighted on the screen door of Mother Harper's (Cynthia Dorn)
front porch. The misadventures begin as the media and crowds
gather around the phenomenon and the townsfolk start to take
sides. As more people flock to the door, some for guidance, some
for healing and some for pure entertainment, the pressure on this
sleepy town starts to build.
From the wanton Mayor to the scheming town seductress; from the
white banker to the desperate black rough neck who seeks his help;
from the security guard with all the answers to the hoards
gathering with nothing but questions, there’s something boiling
under this town and only one thing is certain: no one will escape
the apocalyptic results unchanged...
Three clips from Ushpizin.
- "A heartwarming and humorous Israeli drama set in the
customarily closed world of ultra-Orthodox Jews, "Ushpizin" is the
story of Moshe and Malli, a married couple, who are suffering
through a financial crisis. Naturally they pray for help, but
instead of a miracle, two suspicious strangers with criminal pasts
appear on their doorstep. The couple believes their guests were
sent to them by God as a test of faith. The film is reportedly the
first made by members of the Israeli ultra-Orthodox community."
The trailer for Moonlight
- "Claire lives with her wealthy adopted parents in a luxurious
and isolated house in the woods. She discovers a wounded and
bleeding boy her age in her family's garden shed. The boy is a
young drug courier from Afghanistan; shot and wounded after
serving his purpose as human packing material. Claire decides to
keep the boy a secret. He slowly recovers under her care; and they
fall in love. When the drug dealers return and Claire's family is
due to move back to the city; they decide to flee; though Claire
finds it difficult to outrun her past as an abandoned child."
The trailer for Before the Fall
- Set during World War II, this movie follows German teenagers
who attend a napola - a special institution for gifted boys that
turns them into the Nazi elite as they become ruthless servants of
the Fuhrer. Friedrich is admitted into a napola because of his
boxing skills, which he uses as a means to escape his poor working
class background. His best friend at the napola is the Governor's
son - sensitive, caring, and opposed to Nazi ideology. As their
friendship develops, Friedrich struggles with Nazi ideology and
his best friend's pacific beliefs.
The trailer for DERAILED (Clive Owen, Jennifer Aniston, Vincent
- When two married business executives (Owen and Aniston) having
an affair are blackmailed by a violent criminal, the two must turn
the tables on him to save their families.
Man sees his brother on America's Most Wanted ... the siblings
were watching TV together at the time
Flying Meatballs: Feuding Families Have Food Fight At Olive Garden
2005 NFL Cheerleader Tour - Day 8: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Ahoy mates! Wheres else would we be traveling today, than the land
rich in pirate lore? We head south on "Talk Like A Pirate Day" to
Tampa, Florida. Some people feel that Oakland may be a better stop
on this day.
While some Raider fans may dress like a pirate, the Buccaneers
trump that by having
an actual pirate ship docked ... er ... parked in the stadium.
This area revels in its swashbuckling history and pirates once
ruled the waters surrounding the entire coast. Pirates would take
refuge from storms and enemies in the bay. They also used many
inlets as hiding places for its fleets and treasure. The Tampa Bay
area holds the annual
Gasparilla Fest on the last weekend in January. This big party
kicks off when real pirate ships (and anyone else with a boat)
ride into the bay, dock downtown, and storm Ybor City to party and
plunder. This is the perfect place for any pirate to call home!
Any ship needs a good crew, and the Buccaneer cheerleaders
definitely exceed the requirements. I moved down the Tampa area in
March, and I can attest that their is no shortage of extremely
beautiful women here. The Buccaneer Cheerleaders have a vast pool
to pick from, and by God, it shows. One look at
the team photo
can start to raise a man's blood pressure.
Sadly, that's about all you can do with this site. You can click
on a cheerleader to get another picture, but it stops there. The
menu says "individual photos / bios", but I can't find any bios.
Some guys may scoff at the bios, and just want to get to the goods
in the pictures. To me the bios are like the Miss America pageant.
You already know and you don't really care that a girl's one wish
is for world peace, but you still want to hear it regardless. The
game photo section is from 2004. I understand that the Bucs
first home game was yesterday, but they did have two preseason
games. The also had tryouts and dance practices. Was there no
camera to be found during this time? There is a video section and
a cheerleader diary. Great ideas, but when you click on them all
you get is "coming soon." Another great idea is the appearance
calendar. If you click on that you see the girls are pretty busy.
So busy that they failed to fill out a single date on the
calendar. Oh wait...there is one bio here. Too bad it is for
I would love to make some comments about the girls, but all I know
are names to go with the pretty faces. The girls are amazing, but
the web site brings down the ranking. Too bad...they could have
been a contender.
Ranking 7.5 out of 10.
NASA plans to send 4 astronauts to the moon in 2018, thus
fulfilling President Kennedy's promise to have a man on the moon by
the end of the 1960s. They also say that some day a plane will be
able to fly from London to New York faster than the speed of sound.
Those crazy, wonderful, eternally optimistic bastards!
Real World Key West - house revealed - 32 Driftwood Drive. I'm
It's right here
Curiosities from Japan's porno shops. But where are the octopi?
"An Athens mobile phone dealer has been arrested for allegedly
selling thousands of amateur sex videos he had downloaded from
cellular phones brought to his shop for repairs" So make sure
you erase those mobile phone memories ... oh, unless you are a hot
Check out this cast for the next Spike Jonze/Charlie Kaufman project
"WORLD'S 1ST LOOK AT PRESIDENT BUSH'S UPCOMING BOOK OF POETRY!"
- "The poems reveal a sensitive, literate side of the
Commander-in-Chief not usually shown to the public."
- "George W. Bush -- Poet-in-Chief" will be published in two
versions -- a regular edition, and a deluxe edition which will
feature a recording of Bush reading the poems. "He's reading the
poems to Afghanistan's President Karzai and Iraq's Prime Minister
Jaafari. You can really feel the energy in the room."
Oh, this can't be good.
"Actress Lara Flynn Boyle deeply regrets advocating against plastic
surgery, because she desperately wants ... breast enhancements."
Cindy Sheehan demands that the government bring the troops home from
occupied ... New Orleans
At last, a sensible ruling from a governmental body.
Irish zombies must not rise before 9 P.M. If you just have to
leave your grave before that, well, move to Scotland, dammit.
THE fast-food chain, Burger King, is withdrawing its ice-cream cones
after the lid of the dessert offended a Muslim.
The dozen greatest pitching feats of the past quarter century.
Actually, the one I would have listed #1 is not even on the list.
In 1990 Dennis Eckersley had a 0.61 ERA and allowed only four walks
the entire year.
Of course, Eck was a bit wild compared to 1989, when he only
allowed three walks. In the decade from 1989-1998, Eckersley
appeared in 21 post-season games and never allowed a walk!
Al Gore has turned into Principal Rooney
Renee's hubby's aversion to kids caused their split!
Renee Zellweger has claimed that she decided to annul her marriage
of four months because Chesney did not share her dreams of starting
Psychopaths could be best financial traders. They really make a
killing in the market.
Monica Lewinsky is sent off to London with some spotted dick.
- Talk about bringing back some memories!
Lord of War, as reviewed by the one true genius of film criticism,
The Filthy Critic
- "It's shitty in as many different ways as the port-a-potties
at a multi-cultural festival. There is nothing obviously wrong
with it, like a snuff scene in the middle, or Rob Schneider in his
underwear. But it's such bad storytelling and so self-serving that
I wouldn't recommend it to anyone except people whose political
activism goes no farther than a "Free Tibet" bumper sticker."
Oktoberfest Seizes Chance to Replace Mardi Gras as Leading
"SCOTLAND is the most violent country in the world." Silly me, I
didn't even know Scotland was a country. I thought it was part of
TYRA BANKS removes her bra to prove her breasts are real.
Depardieu says, "I was not drunk and rude. That was acting!"
Sure, and Kevin Costner was only pretending to be a poor
Shakespearian actor in The Postman.
Bill Maher goes on a wild anti-Bush rant.
HURRICANE KATRINA CHARITY NEWS UPDATE
Or, Hey, Some Blow... - Some stores are starting to refuse debit cards provided
to hurricane victims by the Red Cross if they don't like what the users are
buying. One Illinois retailer said people were buying jewelry and a TV/DVD
player, which was "totally and morally wrong." An Atlanta store changed its
policy after a card user spent $360 on a Playstation and games. There were also
reports of charity cash vouchers being used to pay tabs at Houston strip clubs.
But a club spokesman said after all they've been through, they should be allowed
to relax and buy a beer.
* ...And 45 lap dances.
* Actually, in a Houston strip club, a Red Cross debit card isn't enough to buy
* In their defense, it WAS a waterproof DVD player.
DO NEIGHBORS COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR BLOWING NOISES?
Well, Blow Me Down! - The new Weekend Wall Street Journal reports that many
towns have banned or restricted leaf blowers because of environmentalists'
complaints about the fumes and deafening noise. But frustrated suburban lawn
warriors are now fighting back with new high-tech blowers that are powerful but
much smaller and quieter. The paper checked out several, including the Stihl
BR-500 ($459.95), which weighs 8.8 pounds and emits just 65 decibels at 50 feet,
about the noise level of a conversation. But it blows air at 181 mph.
Hurricane Katrina peaked at 175 mph.
* To blow any harder, it would have to star Ben Affleck.
* It's expensive, it weighs less than nine pounds, and it emits a blast that
can clear an entire yard. We already have something like that: it's
called "a baby."
NEW BOOK TREND: "MATRON LIT"
AKA "Science Fiction" - The London Daily Telegraph reports that the hottest new
trend in romance novels is no longer "chick lit" but "matron lit": books about
widows or divorcees in their 40's or 50's who find new love. Older writers
who were dumped by publishers are being snapped up again, and say they're
thrilled to be able to write about mature women with interesting lives instead
of young singletons they don't understand. One author said her next book even
includes a romance between two 80-year-olds. The man is afraid of kissing
because his dentures might come out, and when he gets down on his knees to
propose, he can't get up.
* He probably shouldn't mention that he can't get up until after the wedding.
* In the Hollywood movie version, they'll be played by Colin Farrell and
* It's like "Bridget Jones," except the men in these books LIKE women in granny
SCOOBY-DOO SUFFERS CARTOON VIOLENCE
Ruh-Roh! - Florida corrections officer Eddie Bronson took his daughter's photo
with Scooby-Doo and Shaggy at Universal Studios theme park in Orlando, and he
claims he was "petting" Scooby. But witnesses say he grabbed the costumed
actor's head, shook it, and pulled him down by the snout. Scooby pushed Bronson
away and started to walk off, but Bronson allegedly punched him from behind,
damaging both the costume and the actor's head. He was arrested. His employer,
the department of juvenile justice, will review the case before deciding whether
to discipline him.
* It makes no sense! If he'd punched Scrappy, that would've made sense!
007 GETTING A MAKEOVER
And He'll Fight Hilary Swank - Paul Haggis, a writer on the upcoming James Bond
movie "Casino Royale," told the Hollywood Reporter that 007 is being reinvented
as a younger, more realistic character. Haggis, who wrote "Million Dollar
Baby," said, "It's going to be good...He's 28. No Q, no gadgets."
* He's a 28-year-old male and he owns no gadgets? What's realistic about
* Instead of Q, he'll hang out with a rapper named P.
* He'll still have lots of sex, only with women who are ugly and drunk.
SHEEN WAS A "GIGANTIC ASS"
And He's Back Because Of Her Great Ass - Charlie Sheen said he may reconcile
with wife Denise Richards, who dumped him because "I was a gigantic ass." Sheen
said one of their biggest problems was that he was so obsessed with watching
baseball, he never helped with their first son. He said he finally realized
that "sports highlights" shows are for parents, so they can do more important
things during the ninth inning, like bathing the baby.
* "Bathing the baby" is his euphemism for "having sex."
* He should become a Royals fan...They always go do something else during the
* They split because he watched baseball? I assumed it was because he was a
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