Nowhere Man (2005)
"Nowhere Man might be the best film ever made about a
guy who gets his dick cut off."
- The Village Voice
"It might be the only film in history in which a cameo
by Troma kingpin Lloyd Kaufman actually increases its overall class content."
- The Onion A.V. Club
At the beginning of Nowhere Man, we hear a couple arguing. She has taken
something from him and he wants it back desperately. She says she'll return it
for $560. Lacking the cash, he refuses the deal.
As the story develops, much of it flashbacks, and flashbacks within flashbacks,
we discover that the missing item is the man's penis, which the woman has
snipped off, Lorena Bobbit style. The guy, who resembles the notorious Mr.
Bobbit, then goes on a typical film noir detective pursuit - well, typical
except that he's not looking for a falcon statuette or a missing person, but his
own dick, which adds a certain urgency to his quest. The two stories, past and
present, unfold in parallel. In the present, he pursues his missing pee-pee. In
the flashbacks, we see why he lost it in the first place, and gain some
unexpected sympathy for the woman. As the story unfolds, we find that Rochon is
not just an insane bitch, but was reacting to a flurry of abuse heaped upon her
after the guy, who supposedly loved her, discovered her porno past and was
unable to deal with it.
I'm not sure what relationship, if any, this film had with Troma Studios, but
there seem to be some connections, as noted in the quotes which begin this
article. The emperor of Troma, Lloyd Kaufman, appears in the film as the doctor
who explains the victim's medical options. The Lorena part is played by the
film's co-producer Debbie Rochon, who is to Troma approximately what Gwyneth
Paltrow once was to Miramax - their muse, their resident diva, and their best
actress. She's the centerpiece of their repertory company, and can handle almost
any kind of character. I suppose she is the low-rent Paltrow - kind of a Gwyneth
Skidrow, so to speak. Whatever connection may exist, this film is not a Troma
campfest, but a tense drama with some occasional offbeat and pitch black comedic
Unexpectedly, it did receive a brief mini-release into theaters. According to
IMDb, it had an opening weekend below $200 (!!) in one theater on the
March 13th weekend (2005). The actual weekend gross of $173 is the lowest such
number I have ever seen. Assume three showings per day for three days,
that's $19 per screening, and I guess that would be $19 at Chicago prices,
because the film was reviewed by several Chicago-based critics. (I didn't see an
Ebert review, however.) Nowhere Man later expanded to another theater,
finishing with a domestic gross a bit above $2,000. I guess the second theater
must have been in New York, because the film picked up notices from The New York
Times, The Post, and the Village Voice, and they pinpointed an opening date in
late March. The metacritic score was 41, which is not so bad, although that
forty one was not derived from a bunch of wishy-washy 40/100 reviews, but
consisted of scores in a very wide range from 0/100 to 80/100. There were some
harsh pans, to be sure, but Nowhere Man also picked up four pretty good reviews.
(Village Voice, Film Threat, L.A. Weekly, Chicago Reader.)
I think director Tim McCann did yeoman's work to stretch the non-existent budget
as much as he could to create a film with some tension and a professional look
and sound. The film is only 75 minutes long so it's a short trip, and the road
is made a bit smoother by the fact that Rochon did a good job in the lead. One
would be hard pressed to find a better actress in the world of B and C movies.
That's the good news.
The bad news is, well, let's face it, it is still a no-budget movie about a guy
looking for his dick, and the rest of the actors can sometimes descend to the
porno film level.
Debbie Rochon. The quality is deliberately poor, since her husband is
watching her in an old video tape.
Wedding Crashers (2005)
I went to this film in an actual theater!
I'll write more about it tomorrow. For now here's the nudity report.
1) Many women are seen topless in a musical montage at the beginning of the film
which shows how successful the guys have become with their wedding scam. They
are all hot, but I have no idea who they are.
2) No nudity of any kind from Rachel McAdams
3) Isla Fisher's character shows buns and breasts, but I don't think any it was
actually Isla's body parts. The juxtaposition of flesh and face was obviously
avoided. (It's possible that some brief flash belongs to Isla, but I'd have to
be able to pause it to draw that conclusion. For now, my verdict is body double.
4) Jane Seymour does show her breasts in a funny scene with Owen Wilson, but I
couldn't see any nipple. It seemed to me that Owen's hand was covering the pink
stuff. It is possible that there may be a couple of frames which expose the
nipple or areola before Owen's hand gets there, but I couldn't see that with the
film moving at normal speed.
In general, I thought the film was worth watching - not as good as American Pie,
but at least as good or better than any of the Pie sequels. Vince Vaughn and
Owen Wilson make a good team, and play off each other well. Vaughn, the improv
king, is typically blustery as the hyperkinetic and insensitive motormouth, and
Wilson is typically cuddly - but subtly subversive - as the laid-back half of
Pat's comments in yellow...
COOTER URGES "DUKES" BOYCOTT
Will Cooter Heads Prevail? - Ben Jones, who played Cooter on "The Dukes of
Hazzard" and owns a "Dukes" museum and runs a yearly fan festival, is
urging fans to boycott the new movie version with Johnny Knoxville and
Jessica Simpson. He said he was shown the movie script, and "they trashed
our show." He said people love "Dukes" because it's clean, family fun, but
the movie script was full of profanity and sex. He said it's "like taking
'I Love Lucy' and making her a crackhead."
Damn! That would be FUNNY!
Anyone who'd compare "The Dukes of Hazzard" to "I Love Lucy" probably IS
They can't make it clean, family fun: they want kids to come see it.
In this movie, the Duke boys make their car fly through the air so they
can look down Jessica Simpson's blouse.
MARIAH CAREY BLAMES 9/11 FOR "GLITTER" FAILURE
2001: A Spaced Oddity - According to the MariahDaily fan website, Mariah
Carey told the Swiss newspaper Sonntage Zeitung that her 2001 movie
"Glitter" bombed because of the 9/11 attacks. She said the film was "ahead
of its time," but "the talk shows needed something to distract from 9/11."
So they attacked and laughed at her and "Glitter." She said, "I was so
successful that they tore me down because my album was at number 2 instead
of number 1."
No, they tore her down because her movie WAS "Number 2."
"Glitter" was ahead of its time...Movies are getting worse and worse,
and it got there first.
"Glitter" was so bad, the terror alert warning was originally invented
to let us know when it was safe to go back into the movie theaters.