"The Girl Next Door"

The Girl Next Door (2004) was panned by Scoopy two nights ago, and this is not a film we disagree on. I found it derivative of Risky Business, Weird Science, and other good coming of age films. Even that would not have been bad, but this was really a sappy romantic comedy with some real mean moments to spoil the mood. I didn't have the same problems with the inner conflict of the girl next door (Elisha Cuthburt) as some reviewers did. Many plot elements were unexplained and unjustified. I have to feel that there was a story here, probably a romantic comedy, but the problem was in execution.

At any rate, with the dearth of new material lately, here are my version of the images from the film. This is very much my kind of film, and left me totally cold. This is a low C-.

  • Thumbnails
  • Thumbnails
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  • Amanda Swisten (1, 2, 3)
  • Elisha Cuthbert (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
  • Strippers (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
  • Sung Hi Lee (1, 2)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
    Joyride (1977):


    This is an oddly constructed movie, basically consisting of two completely different movies featuring the same characters. In the first half, it's a gritty, realistic drama about three kids who gave up dead-end jobs in L.A. to pursue their dream of an independent new life in Alaska.

    Once there, they found that they had miscalculated the opportunities and the risks attendant in such a venture.

    In fact, they had even miscalculated the location of Alaska, finding it in the Port of Tacoma, Washington. (A close-up of the sign? C'mon, director, that's not even tryin'!! See the evidence on the movie review page.)

    Anyway, they found themselves even more down-and-out in "Alaska" than they had been in California. They were homeless, down to their last pennies, and eating dog food.

    So it's a gritty slice-of-life drama about the dark side of the American Dream, right? Steinbeck for the Seventies?

    It might have been, except that realistic part of the movie came to an abrupt halt, and the entire script veered off into a fantasy world. Down on their luck and desperate, they decided to hold up a payroll office, took an employee for ransom, and demanded hundreds of thousands from the company they robbed. Soon they had become a modern Bonnie and Clyde and Clyde, darlings of all the television stations, running from an armada of cops, engaged in gunfights with good guys and bad, and speeding through the wilderness in wild car chases. In their spare time, while on the lam in the wilderness and hungry, they also managed to kill a bear at a long distance with a tiny handgun.

    After the highs and lows of that chase, they appeared to be just as down and out as they were before the robbery. On what appeared to be their final night of life, two of them were sleeping in a inoperable car on a freezing Alaska night, while the third went on foot to try to get help.

    So now it's a heartbreaking, gritty slice-of-life crime drama about loveable crooks getting their eventual comeuppance?

    Well, not exactly.

    Dawn broke on the two in the car. The boy was dead. The girl was shrieking for help.

    Shrieking? Who could hear her in the wilderness?

    The other guy, as it turns out.

    He arrived in a van, from parts unknown, apparently having managed to win a vehicle from a masked wrestler in an Alaskan Cage Match. The script never did explain how he could have walked off into the Alaskan wilderness on foot on a freezing night, without cash, and then managed to return the next day with a van.

    But the miracles did not end there.

    He went over to his dead friend, slapped him a couple of dozen times, said "live, damn you", and sure enough, the friend turned out to be not dead, but merely stunned, much like the Norwegian Blue in the Polly sketch.

    So the three of them hopped in their new vehicle and drove off to their new adventure. One of them said "Hawaii?", and the one who had recently frozen to death and been resurrected said, "Sure, I could use the sun!"

    The End.

    Odd stuff, eh? It isn't as bad as you might expect from the 3.9 rating at IMDb, but it is certainly a rambling, unfocused and ultimately pointless story which really couldn't decide whether it was a comedy, a crime caper, a gritty drama, a character study, or a buddy picture. It might have worked as a character study if the actors had been proficient enough to win the empathy of the audience, but they weren't, so it didn't.

    The film is probably best remembered, if it is remembered at all, for three things:

    1. Some gimmicky casting. All four of the main stars were the spawn of stars. Anne Lockhart is the daughter of June Lockhart, the mom on Lassie. Melanie Griffith is the daughter of Tippi Hedren, star of The Birds. Robert Carradine is John Carradine's son, and Desi Arnaz Jr is ... well, I reckon you can figure that one out. I suppose his birth was one of the most talked-about events in the post-modern world, since it occurred on the same night that his real-life mother (Lucille Ball) gave birth to her fictional son on America's most popular TV show, I Love Lucy.

    The trick casting produced mixed results. Griffith and Carradine, who would go on to lengthy careers in the business, exhibited at least some minimal level of competence in their roles in Joyride, but the same cannot be said for Lockhart and Arnaz, who delivered their lines like minor characters in a high school Spring play. Lockhart went on to a career as a Hollywood fringe player, doing walk-ons and voice acting, while Arnaz disappeared from the radar completely after playing the part of Desi Arnaz, his real-life dad, in The Mambo Kings.

    2. Some frequent undressing. Melanie Griffith was not as slim and toned as she would later become, but she was certainly not camera-shy, and took off her top in two love scenes, a shower scene, and a hot tub scene. June Lockhart's breasts also joined Melanie's in the hot tub, and reappeared in a sex scene.

    3. The soundtrack. The music was done by ELO (Electric Light Orchestra), which was quite a popular group at the time.


    • Melanie Griffith. She was 20. Looked 16. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    • Anne Lockhart (1, 2)




    • Some scenes you probably missed in Disney movies! (Very naughty stuff. Do not surf this where people can see your monitor!)
    • Over the years, great art has encompassed a wide range of subject matter, but I'm betting that this is the only oil painting of Bea Arthur wrestling a 'Raptor.
    • Here's the official site (including trailer) for When Will I Be Loved, a film which reportedly includes a Neve Campbell nude scene.
    • Our Broadway correspondent, RW, sent this in today:

      "I saw "Dracula: The Musical" on Broadway last night and here is a brief review with spoilers and nudity report. As for the spoilers - don't worry, this show won't be around long enough to spoil it for anyone. In other words, this thing is BAD. Just less than two years ago another vampire musical was on Broadway starring Michael Crawford (the original "Phantom of the Opera"), and that lasted little more than a month. Having seen both, I can tell you that Crawford's Dance of the Vampire was better, even though, or perhaps because, it was pure camp. It was "highlighted" by a recurring use of the song "Total Eclipse of the Heart."

      Anyway, Dracula is making his way to London because he has aged and needs new blood, but cannot survive in Transylvania because all the locals fear him and stay away. He sees a photo of his London-based real estate agent's wife, who has come to Dracula's castle to give him paperwork, and becomes enraptured by her. He tries to lure Mina to him, but also lures Mina's friend Lucy to him. Lucy gets there first and he enjoys his blood lust with her, turning her into a vampire. Lucy's recently chosen husband, along with several others, including Dr. Van Helsing, hunt down Lucy to kill her. Then they set their sights on Dracula. Dracula continues to lure Mina and eventually seduces her and takes a bite out of her. (We are now about 3/4 of the way into the show).

      Mina, Van Helsing and the vampire hunters go back to Transylvania in search of Dracula. In a stunningly bad and abrupt ending, Dracula and Mina are left alone in Dracula's castle. Dracula begins to seduce her, but realizes that he loves her and cannot make her what he has become, so he hands her a knife to kill him. Dracula lies down in a coffin,is willingly stabbed by Mina, and dies. That is how the show ends, that abruptly and quickly and in the span of a 5 minute song.

      The strength of the show is in the special effects. There is invisible wireless flying by the vampires. Dracula often exits straight up into the rafters or flies across the stage, as do several female vampires. The special effects, however, don't save the show or even make it worthwhile.

      The oft-cited nudity in the show is brief and completely gratuitous, and was probably added to get hype for a very poor production. Toward the end of the first act, Lucy (played by Kelli O'Hara) is in her bedroom recovering from having been bitten once by Dracula. She is left alone and Dracula comes to her window. She stands up and walks to the window which bursts open with a strike of lightning and her nightgown is ripped off from under the stage. She is standing in center stage nude with her back to the audience in very dark blue lighting. She turns and walks to her bed where Dracula is waiting for her. From the audiences perspective if you are on the right side of the stage you will get a brief view of her breasts and bush, but in very dark blue lighting.

      In the early portions of the second act, Mina (played by Melissa Errico, Patrick McEnroe's wife) is seduced by Dracula and the top of her nightgown is pulled down to briefly reveal her small breasts. The person I was with didn't even notice it.

    • I ask you, can Republicans be so bad if they can inspire so many chicks to get naked to protest them?
    • Get Smart Photo Gallery: Cone of Silence and Other Innovations
    • Keeping out the riffraff for Jesus: The Christian Cultural Center in Brooklyn hosts invitation-only 'celebrity Bible study,' ". I'm shocked. You mean they let B-list celebrities in the same bible group as the big stars!!!???
    • Quote and video from Slate: "For Shame - A leaked video reveals what Bob Dole really thinks about Bush's tactics." (Dole thought he was off-camera.)
    • The Sun unearths some kinda-nekkid modeling photos of Kelly Brook at age 18.
    • John Kerry Poised To Out-Bulge Al Gore, but we all know which political team has the bigger Dick.
    • New TV spots and behind the scenes features about The Incredibles: "From the Academy Award-winning creators of 'Toy Story,' 'Monsters, Inc.' and 'Finding Nemo,' comes this hilarious action-packed animated adventure about superheroes. Bob Parr used to be one of the world's greatest superheroes (known to all as 'Mr. Incredible'), saving lives and fighting evil on a daily basis. But now fifteen years later, Bob and his wife (a famous superhero in her own right) have adopted civilian identities and retreated to the suburbs to live normal lives with their three kids. Now he's a clock-punching insurance claims adjuster fighting boredom and a bulging waistline. Itching to get back into action, Bob gets his chance when a mysterious communication summons him to a remote island for a top-secret assignment. Pixar Animation Studios stretches the boundaries of the art form with this stylish and entertaining film. Acclaimed filmmaker Brad Bird ('The Iron Giant') directs."
    • The Daily Box Office for Friday. Pretty much as predicted, Exorcist took a mad tumble to #5, falling below two films it beat last week. The only real surprise was that Hero beat Anacondas solidly for first place, although that isn't that much of a surprise, given the overall critical acclaim for Hero and the general razzberries for Anacondas.
    • For reference, here are the Box Office Mojo Forecasts for the weekend
    • Liv Tyler to pose for a nude pictorial after her baby is born.
    • URL says it all: Here in Texas we commoners love to look at some tits. But in England, they have refined and codified this to such a degree that there is an official Royal Tit-Watching Society, with a strict code of tit-watching etiquette. Her Majesty's Royal and Ancient Order of Tit-Watchers. Yeah, it's a royal thing. As I recall, ol' Prince Andrew used to like watching some tits.
    • M17 (The Omega Nebula): A Hubble Close-Up
    • Anna Nicole Smith is launching her own clothing line in a style she calls 'Tex-Sex.'
      • Are they expandable??
      • "May I help you, ma'am?" "Yes, I'd like the kind of clothes that make me look like an overweight gold digging floozie with the IQ of a cherrystone clam." "Why, I believe we have just the thing!"


    Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

    Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap




    Here are the latest movie reviews available at


    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.


    Words from Scoop.

    .avi's from Shiloh.

    .wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.

    NOTE: because of a unique combination of circumstances with the Windows media player and some substantial bandwidth theft, we will have to do all of our movie files in zip format. Left click on the files as you normally would to view a picture. When you get a choice, click on "save", and put it on your hard drive in the directory of your choice. UnZIP and play from there.

    I know this is not especially convenient, but it allows the film clips to continue. I can protect .zip files from hot-linking in the same way I can protect still images. For some reason, if I protect .avis and .wmvs from hot-linking, they will not play in the Windows media player, and I can't get a satisfactory work-around. Perhaps I will find a better solution, but for now this new policy allows you to continue getting the movie clips you want to see, which is much preferable to my abandoning the clips altogether.


    Some interesting variety from Shiloh

    • The ever-weird Amanda Plummer in The Apartment Complex (.avi zipped) (.wmv zipped). This was directed by Tobe Hooper, but has never been issued on a Region 1 DVD, to my knowledge.

    • Ann Morgan in the offbeat Love Liza.  (.avi zipped) (.wmv zipped). Tuna and I found watching this movie to be a difficult ordeal.

    • Nothing difficult to watch about  Road Trip, possibly excepting Tom Green. Pretty zany movie, Amy Smart lookin' adorable. (.avi zipped) (.wmv zipped).

     ... and one from someone else

    • Sienna Guillory in The Principles of Lust (.wmv zipped). Ol' Helen of Troy strippin' to some music in a 2003 Brit flick. Sienna is cute, but she doesn't have a lot of meat on her bones.





    Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs for these movies:

    Shiloh says:

    FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.
    When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

    A reader says:

    You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. Hope this is useful to you or your users.

    Scoop says:

    I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.

    Graphic Response
    Variety from around the globe...
    • Rachel Griffiths, the Aussie actress and star of the HBO series "Six Feet Under". Here she is doing full frontal and full dorsal nudity in 'caps from a rare DVD Chinese import version of the 1998 movie "Among Giants".

    • French actress Isabelle Carré showing full frontal and full dorsal nudity in scenes from "La Femme défendue" (1997).

    • UK actress Lena Headey, topless in scenes from her first movie 1992's "Waterland".

    Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website.

    Crimson Ghost
    NOTE: We currently have to do all of our movie files in zip format. Instead of viewing them online, save the zip files to your hard drive in the directory of your choice, un-zip and play from there.

    First up, here is the Ghost's conribution to what seems to have become our theme o' the week....French mega-babe Ludivine Sagnier!

    Some other assorted stuff, this time from the 1990 movie "The Guardian", directed by William Friedkin ("French Connection", "The Exorcist").

    • Carey Lowell, the former model/Bond Babe/"Law and Order" co-star and current Mrs. Richard Gere...topless in a love scene
    • Here is a zipped .wmv of Carey Lowell in the same scene 'capped above.

    • Jenny Seagrove, topless in the tub, but it's a non-sexy "mom moment". (1, 2)
    • Jenny Seagrove, zipped .wmv

    The Gimp
    'Caps and comments by The Gimp:

    Here are some hardcore caps from three movies....

    First up is a Golden Age video..."Every Woman Has a Fantasy 2".

    • Kari Foxx (1, 2)
    • Lois Ayres..#1 is a softcore pic (breasts only). #3 is far from fact I think you can see her kidneys. (1, 2, 3, 4)
    • Nina Hartley. 1 and 2 are tame, #3...not so much. (1, 2, 3)

    The other two are much more recent and are worth paying attention to because Crissy Moran is in them. Crissy is famous as a web model but she also did the nasty in a few movies.

    • Crissy Moran, breast views only in scenes from "Enchantment".
    • Crissy Moran, hardcore 'caps from "Fantasy Suites". (1, 2)
    • Zora Banks, also from "Fantasy Suites". Hardcore 'caps with money shot.

    'Caps and comments by Dann:

    "Boa vs. Python"
    I love monster movies. King Kong and Godzilla are my heros. Mutant spiders and giant snakes are the best. The movies are always crap, of course, but that's what makes them so good. Sometimes, you just want to watch total nonsense, and these movies usually fill the bill.

    This 2004 movie, originally shown on the Sci-Fi Channel, is just what the doctor ordered. Even better, the version released on DVD has some nice nudity by Angel Boris that didn't make it on the tube.

    Plot is fairly typical; when a big game hunter imports a giant python for a hunt, the thing escapes into the Philadelphia water system. Government agents inlist the help of a scientist who just happens to have a giant boa constrictor. The idea is to send the boa to find the python. "Boas will hunt", says the scientist.

    Naturally, things don't go as planned, and all hell breaks loose. A surprisingly well done, better than expected monster flick.

    Kate Bosworth
    Paris Hilton

    From the teen romantic comedy "Win a Date with Tad Hamilton!". Bosworth looks cute but doesn't show anything. Paris shows up for a brief bikini scene.

    Cynthia Watros
    Maria Ford
    (1, 2)

    Both show some very nice cleavage on separate episodes of "The Drew Carey Show". Skinemax favorite Ford shows much more skin as she plays a "Brass Pole Enthusiast" and shakes her scantily clad money-maker.

    Nikki Ziering The former Heffer making a guest appearance on the ABC series "Less Than Perfect"...the sitcom starring Andy Dick, Eric Roberts, Puddy from "Seinfeld" and former "Mad TV" star Will Sasso. And no...I didn't make that up, that's really the cast.

    Ludivine Sagnier
    Véronique Balme
    Two French babes looking gorgeous topless in scenes from "Bon plan" (2000).

    Elizabeth Gracen
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)

    Señor Skin 'caps of the former Miss America (1982) topless in scenes from the direct-to-vid movie "Final Mission" (1993). Some folks know her best from her role on the syndicated series "Highlander" and spin-off "Highlander: The Raven". Others probably remember her from the Bill Clinton sex scandal (she admitted to having sex with Slick Willie when he was Governor of Arkansas).