"Helen of Troy"

Helen of Troy (2003) is a TV miniseries filmed in Malta, and tells "the real story" of Helen of Troy, and the 10 year war between Sparta and Troy. This is decidedly not my type of film -- a costumer running 2 hours and 57 minutes, but I was enthralled beginning to end. It was epic in every way, with amazing sets and costumes, battles with thousands of soldiers, and excellent special effects. It was filmed in Malta, and they tried to be as authentic as possible in the design of Sparta and Troy, and also the weapons, utensils and costumes.

Most of the criticisms complain about the fact that the film deviates from Homer's Iliad. I mentioned some time ago that differing from the book it was based on is not a valid criticism for a film, but, in this case, it is outright stupid. They never claim to have made an adaptation of the Iliad, and in fact say they are telling "the true story" right in the introduction of the film. Helen was played by the lovely Sienna Guillory, who promises to be the next British superstar. She shows breasts through sheer outfits in several scenes, and her character is seen nude from the rear in two scenes. After watching the rear nudity carefully, it could have been a double, but I don't think so. I found a reference to a magazine interview where she talked about doing the nudity, and she has done rear nudity before where her face was visible. I am going to say that the very nice bum belongs to her.

IMDb voters have this at 6.3 of 10, which is a little low for TV. TV ratings at IMDB seem to run much higher than film ratings. Whether or not you enjoy the story, you will appreciate what they achieved artistically and technically. C+.

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  • Sienna Guillory (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24)

    "Gazon Maudit"

    Gazon Maudit (1995) is a delightful French comedy starring Victoria Abril. Also known as Bushwacked and French Twist, it was written and directed by Josiane Balasko, who also played a key role in the film. Abril in an outwardly ideal marriage to Alain Chabat, who is a notorious womanizer behind her back, and has been neglecting her. Then Balasko, obviously butch, arrives, and is instantly attracted to Abril. Abril feels appreciated for the first time in a while, and the two quickly become intimate. When hubby finds out, all hell breaks loose.

    Abril is naked several times in the film, including well lit full frontal, and is in two sex scenes with Chabat, and one bathtub sex scene with Balasko. Balasko shows a nipple in the bath scene. IMDB readers have this at 6.5 of 10. It won a Cesar for best writing, and was nominated for Best Film and Best Director. It was also nominated for Golden Globe Best Foreign Film. Ebert hated it at 1 1/2 stars. Berardinelli found more to enjoy at 2 1/2. Critics, on the whole, were not impressed. It grossed a modest $1.4M in the US. The film looked great, with well saturated colors and colorful sets. I enjoyed it, possibly because I liked the female characters. C.

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  • Josiane Balasko (1, 2, 3)
  • Victoria Abril (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)


    As of midnight yesterday, the image count on the site was 294, 666. That is one pile of pictures. If you had every image on the site, it would occupy a 50 gig hard drive.


    The Devils (1971):

    Ken Russell's The Devils, an expose of the real story behind the "demonic possession" of some 17th century nuns,  is considered by many to be a lost masterpiece. More than ten minutes of film were cut from the original theatrical release, and it has rarely been seen since then, with or without the footage.

    A British film archivist recently unearthed the long-lost footage, and the whole kit and kaboodle appeared on British TV - a documentary on the film which focused on the missing footage, followed by the film itself.

    DB, one of our UK correspondents and our resident expert on nudity in highbrow stage performances, did a yeoman's job on this. He placed the missing footage back into the film, then burned a self-made DVD - menu and all - which includes the TV documentary as a special feature - and sent it to me. The picture isn't as good as most commercial DVDs, but in terms of entertainment value, this was better than 75% or more of the commercial DVD's I see! I would definitely buy the product if Warner ever made this DVD with the restored film, the documentary, and commentary.

    It was great to see the film after 30 years (I went to see it in the theaters with Junior's mom, before Junior was born), but the movie wasn't as good as the TV show about the film, which featured extensive interviews with Russell, Vanessa Redgrave, and various lesser players - including some of the bit players who played the infamous naked, masturbating nuns.

    Many thanks to DB for the effort he put into this project, and for sharing it with us.

    I wrote a very long article about this brilliant (but more than a little loony) film here, with many pictures.

    Here are the nudes:



    Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.




    days left until International Talk Like a Pirate Day (Sept 19)



    Here are the latest movie reviews available at

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    Graphic Response
    • Shannen Doherty, the "90210" and "Mallrats" star topless in scenes from "Blindfold: Acts of Obsession" (1994).

    • Maud Adams, the Swedish model/actress and Bond Babe ("The Man with the Golden Gun", and "Octopussy") bares all in scenes from "Tattoo" (1981).

    Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website.

    'Caps and comments by Zon...

    Various actresses from the 1969 film "Justine". A very strange movie, but what do you expect of a film based on a story about the Marquis de Sade with Klaus Kinski in the leading role.

    Lots of nudity and also staring the then 18 yr. old daughter of Tyrone Power, Romina Power.

    • Rosemary Dexter, topless and almost showing bush.

    • Sylva Koscina, topless. (1, 2)

    • Romina Power, topless and rear nudity. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    • Maria Rohm, breasts, bum and bush.

    'Caps and comments by Dann:

    "The Wicker Man"

    A mystery/drama from 1973 that can truly be called a classic. Elegantly understated with a real shocker ending, The Wicker Man tells the story of a stiff and deeply religious Scottish police sargeant from the mainland who goes to a remote island to investigate a missing child.

    He finds a place where the inhabitants are all pagan worshippers who stymie his attempts to find the girl or her body.

    This is not a fast-moving movie, but the deliberate pacing just adds to the suspense, and the ending is a real surprise.

    Available in R and Unrated versions, the caps are from the 11 minute longer unrated version. While the topless shots of Britt Ekland are all her, the bottom shot is a body double because she refused to be shot nude below the waste. They are included in the collage for completeness.

    The scenes added for the extended version were transferred from the original 1" analog telecine master, the only place where they still exist. Because of the lower quality of the old analog tape, you can easily tell which sections were added to make up the extended version.

    Bridgette Wilson
    Jana Pallaske

    From the movie "Extreme Ops"...Very lame movie and no nudity, but both of these ladies still look goreous. Great 'caps by DeadLamb.

    Emily Mortimer
    (1, 2, 3, 4)

    Jessica Alba
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21)

    Johnny Moronic takes a look at "The Sleeping Dictionary" (2002). Alba looks as good as ever, but of course doesn't give up the goods. Mortimer goes topless in a very well lit scene (link #3).

    Anna Friel
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    The UK actress caught topless at the beach by the Paparazzi.

    Romy Schneider The 60's and 70's Euro-celeb bares her bum in scenes from the French movie "Les Choses de la vie" (1969).

    Tawny Kitaen
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

    She dated OJ, got hooked on prescription meds, and was accused of beating her husband....but we'll always know and love her as Tom Hanks' love interest in the 80's comedy classic "Bachelor Party". Here she is showing off her implants in love scenes from the straight-to-video flick "Playback" (1995). 'Caps by the Skin-man.

    Pat Reeder
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    Drowning His Sorrows - Early Monday morning, firefighters in Houston, Texas, rushed to rescue a man who was reported to be drowning in a 20-foot drainage ditch. But they found he was fine: he was drinking beer and refused to leave the ditch. Police tried to talk him out for two hours, but he threw beer bottles at them to get them to leave him alone. They finally coaxed him halfway up a ladder, then forcibly pulled him out. He was taken to a hospital for evaluation.

  • He was diagnosed as "drunk and annoyed."
  • It was Ben Affleck, hiding in a ditch and trying to forget about "Gigli"
  • He wasn't drowning in a 20-foot ditch, he was just trying to drown himself in a 40-ounce bottle.

    From the NY Post Page Six:
    AT the ripe old age of 42, dishy Daryl Hannah is finally baring all for Playboy. The stunning blond actress graces the cover of the November issue, we're told, thanks to a sizzling nude pictorial she shot at her Malibu home. Hannah is said to be in the best shape of her life - thanks to a rigorous regimen of karate and swordfighting during the making of the upcoming Quentin Tarantino epic, "Kill Bill," in which she plays an assassin.