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"Kept" (2001)

Kept (2001) is a straight to vid that started out to be a mystery thriller. Michelle von Flotow, who shows buns and boobs several times, is the wife of a prominent architect. They have a very open relationship, and as the film opens, she is practicing sexual asphyxiation with a young man. For those less daring, that is when you prevent the man from breathing with a cord til he is about to pass out. When you let go, he lets go, supposedly in a big way. The young man leaves her house and is strangled by someone with an identical cord. Cut to inter-spliced scenes of two detectives, (Ice T and Yvette Nipar) who are assigned to the case, and Paul Michael Robinson, who is about to compete for a summer apprenticeship with guess whose architectural firm so he can stay in school. Sure enough, he wins over the competition, and it takes almost no time for Flotow to seduce him, and move him into her love nest. We quickly learn that hubby watches on a nifty closed circuit TV.

The police nose around, the killer panics and commits another murder, and the director panics and shows us the murderers face. We then have 30 minutes of the director trying to convince someone -- possibly the police, possibly Robinson, and possibly us -- that the husband did it. Guess what, it really was the face we saw who was hardly in the story. Ice T and Yvette Nipar developed two great characters, but they meshed like a precision watch stuffed with sandy peanut butter. Sort of reverse synergy. Remember in the Color of Money when Newman told Cruise that he was a natural flake? Both of the detectives were natural flakes, but two flakes together just stole each other's thunder.

I may be the first to have seen this film judging by the total lack of information at IMDB. It is not all bad, although the sex scenes are too long for a mystery and too short for a soft core. I still don't understand why the director took away the mystery at the two-thirds mark. I am afraid I have to say C-.

  • Thumbnails

  • Michelle von Flotow (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    The review page on Backtrack, (pictures in yesterday's edition)

     Best in Show is terrific fun, and a good flick, but no nudity, not even in the 17 deleted scenes.

    No nudity in Pay it Forward. I was wondering why critics hated it so much until I got to the over-the-top ending. Gag me with a spoon.

    Hardball.  It took three years to get this to video and DVD in North America. PAL and others have already capped it from European TV. Was it worth the wait? Um, well (1) April Telek, who used to be Miss Canada, got topless and (2) sometimes the movie is so dumb that you'll be hard-pressed to turn away from it. It has a surrealistic yet familiar charm, like a bad episode of a usually-good TV program.

    Honte's site is updated

    Graphic Response
  • Kari Wuhrer, a Fun House favorite. Here she is showing off her implants in "Sensation" (1994).

    Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website.

  • Brainscan
    I have been fooling around with some custom editing protocols and figured I would send in the results. These are all paparzzi scans that showed up on the web. I cleaned 'em and stuck 'em together for the Funhouse.

  • First up is of Aussie babe Annalise Braakensiek on beautiful Bondi beach.

  • Next, a collage of Scoopy Sr fave, Hilary Swank.

    Then we have...

  • Elizabeth Hurley on the beach

    ...and these lovelies at assorted premieres. I really liked the way the Tyra collage turned out.

  • Gina Gershon
  • Michael Michele Mayer
  • Tyra Banks

    The rest of these are Euro-scoopy types that we, across the pond, won't mind one bit taking a look at. There is Spanish TV babe, Cristina Tarrega , who looks just fine on the small screen but who might want to think about putting some more clothes on when hitting the beaches. Elsa Anka and Laura Manzanedo are mysteries to me, but Brit babe Louise Nurding and Italian mega-babe Manulea Arcuri are known to all good Funhouse readers.

  • Cristina Tarrega (1, 2)
  • Elsa Anka (1, 2)
  • Laura Manzanedo
  • Louise Nurding
  • Manulea Arcuri

    Penelope Velasco is another Spanish TV personality with a decidedly nicer bod. The scans have the look and feel of a psuedo-paparazzi portfolio in that they are clear and sharp.

  • Penelope Velasco (1, 2)

  • Sabrina Salerno is Italy's answer of Samantha Fox: minor singing talent, major hooter talent.

  • And then there was perennial Spanish babe, Yvonne Reyes. All in a day's play.
  • and ...
    Aussie Women's Rugby Team
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

    Wearing nothing but cleats and uniforms made of body paint. Careful looks like one or two of these ladies could kick some serious ass. From Inside Sport magazine. Scans by Jimmy B.

    Megyn Price
    (1, 2, 3)

    I've liked Megyn since I first saw her on the short lived Al Franken series "Lateline". It's good to see her in back on tv, especially since she shows a lot of cleavage in just about every episode of "Grounded for Life". Link #1 features scenes from an episode where the teenage daughter is jealous because Megyn is the "hot mom" on the block. They did a fun little car wash fantasy. Links #2 and #3 are by Raja, and are a bit less revealing.

    Kelly Brook A nice pic of Kelly in undies and a semi-thru top. Big news for her American fans...according to the UK magazine The Sun, Kelly is set to star in a new TV show her in the states called "The (Mis)adventures of Fiona Plum".

    Jenna Gering
    (1, 2)

    NYPD Blue once again pushing the envelope of network TV. In these scenes, Jenna plays a stripper and shows about as much of a side breast view as possible without revealing her nipple. She also gives up a pretty mice thong view too. Vidcaps by Deaf Beer.

    Annie and Alicia Sorell The hot twin sisters doing a shower scene. By far the only thing decent about "Cruel Intentions 2".

    I see in the IMDb that one of the sisters has changed her name to Alicia Lorén. Oh yeah...that'll bring the good roles in! Face it, once you make out with your own twin sister in a shower scene for a low-budget sequel, you can pretty much say goodbye to any real roles, My advice...either

  • a. make a few bucks showing your boobs
  • b. go back to slinging coffee at the trendy Java Shack in the Valley
  • c. go back to Wisconsin, find a nice accountant, settle down, have couple of kids, and be the big shot in a small town by telling your Hollywood stories.

  • Robin Tunney
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

    From the sci-fi dud "Supernova" by Palrune. Tunney goes topless. Link #1 is a collage with several frames of goodies. The other links are larger images from the collage.

    Now that I've seen all of the assorted "quality" Mars movies, when I think back to "Supernova" I have to say that it really wasn't that bad. For fans of the genre, I think the best movie by far from the recent crop of sci-fi flicks was "Pitch Black". I ended up buying it. The plot is simple, but the execution is top notch.

    Given the right movie, "Pitch Black" star Vin Diesel could easily become the first muscular action superhero that doesn't rely on one-liners, grunting, and gun fire. He's built like Arnold, but speaks like James Earl Jones, and was great as the anti-hero.

    To refresh your memories, here's Scoop's review.

    Rosanna Arquette
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    Here are scenes from "Nowhere To Run". Great nudity, horrible movie. How bad is it? Well it does star Van Damme if that answers your question. Arquette however looked fantastic as she stripped down before climbing into the shower. Link #1 is again a collage, and the others are the larger images. Also by Palrune.

    Dominique Sanda Clear breast views, plus partial bum, and maybe a bit of frontal nudity in the shadows in scenes from "L' Eredità Ferramonti" aka "The Inheritance"(1976). Vidcaps by BFD.

    Laura Linney Dark but clear breast exposure, plus some far off frontal nudity in scenes from "Further Tales of the City".

    Allison Smith Full frontal nudity from "Los Años bárbaros" (1998). Thanks to Mr. Skin.

    Alexandra Neldel Great breast exposure, plus a hint of bush in these 'caps by UC99 from "Verliebte Jungs".

    News from Sleuth

  • I came upon the first-ever {to my knowledge} topless pic of hot wrestler Lita of the WWF {real name: Amy Dumas}. Click here

  • might ask the Europeans to be on the lookout for vidcaps from the controversial new French TV show, "Loft Story" --which is on station M6 in France and is basically a cross between "Survivor" and "Big Brother": 6 men and 5 women all in their 20s, locked up together in a loft--"their every move recorded by cameras and broadcast live around the clock. In one steamy scene, there was even the appearance of lovemaking in the swimming pool." Naturally it's a smash.

  • And finally, also in the nudes: Gluttons for punishment might wish to try to find nudes of Robert Blake's murdered wife: As recently as a year-and-a-half ago, she was reportedly selling nude pix of herself on the Internet. Her name was Bonny Lee Bakley...but she also went by Leebonny Bakley...or perhaps some variation thereof. Anyway, she supposedly had a quite a business going, and sent out many nudes of herself. Worth a shot, if anyone has any time on their hands


  • Celeb News
    A perfect "Quote of the Day" from Roberto Benigni.

    Benigni Befuddles Reporters (From Internet Movie Database News)

    Actor Roberto Begnini is up to his old tricks again - confusing interviewers and making no sense. The lanky Italian, who scooped an Oscar in 1999 with his amazing Life Is Beautiful, has been waxing lyrical at the Cannes Film Festival about his latest project - a live action version of Pinocchio, which has just been bought by Miramax. He told a bemused writer from Variety magazine

    "There is nothing more beautiful in the world, enough to lose one's head. A sunset with a long nose, a starry sky that lies, a river searching for its father, a beautiful blue forest. It makes you laugh, it makes you cry, it's very mean, generous, magical, universal, a picture of freedom, of unrestrained desire to live, of pain and joy - a joy so powerful and sweet that it restores the souls in every spot on earth. Pinocchio - nothing more beautiful in the world."

    The Funnies

    Vatican Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger has described masturbation as very bad indeed and advised Catholics not to do it. He brushed aside the protests of Spanish reformist priest Marciano Vidal, who had conducted a lengthy, three-year study which found that no one has proved masturbation is immoral.

    * But the Cardinal couldn't read it because the pages were stuck together.

    * It was what one might call a "self-directed study"...utilizing a real "hands-on" approach.

    * It violates the 11th Commandment: "If it feels good, don't do it!"

    * They interviewed Pee Wee Herman extensively during those three years

    Thanks to Pat Reeder at The Comedy Wire

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