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Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

Hi, Y'all

Junior is taking the night off, so I'm filling in on tonight's page. I guess that means there's nothing to read here, so move along.

The following are the latest movie reviews available at

  • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
  • If there is a white asterisk, it means that I inexplicably determined there might be something of interest.
  • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or somebody else besides me)
  • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

"Dead in the Water" (2001)

Dead in the Water (2001) is a freshman effort at a thriller by Brazilian Gustavo Lipsztein (wrote, produced and directed). From the opening shot during the main titles, which is an absolutely fabulous harbor sunrise shot of Rio, I wanted to like this film. Several breathtaking scenery shots later, we see star Dominique Swain with her boyfriend in a clear, beautifully saturated scene. The premise was ok. Swain and her boyfriend are to go to their vacation home and work on their relationship, and their best friend is coming. Why? We never know. Her father insists she take the son of a rich Brazil business associate along and show him the ocean. So the four drive to the beach villa, and board a small cabin cruiser.

Swain and the boyfriend are having problems, the best friend really wants Swain, and Swain is not immune to the charms of the handsome Brazilian. At this point, what could have been a first rate romantic drama or comedy was turned into a terrible thriller. The boyfriend and his buddy go snorkeling, leaving Swain with the Brazilian. The two kiss, as much her idea as his, just as her boyfriend arrives back on the boat. The boyfriend knocks the Brazilian over-board, and drives off in the boat. When they finally return, the Brazilian is not to be found. It soon becomes every man (or woman) for himself, as they decide how to handle this death.

At this point, I was still hoping for at least some real nudity, or a little more pace and excitement, but was disappointed on both accounts. Dominique does show most of one cheek as her ass tries to eat her bikini bottom, and the top of her breasts are visible as she bends forward, but no real nudity. In case the film looks appealing so far, it is time to stop reading, as the rest is a total spoiler. The boyfriend attempts suicide, then Dominique and the best friend decide the only way out of the predicament is to kill the boyfriend and blow up the boat. The best friend goes into the cabin and hits the despondent  boyfriend over the head with a fire extinguisher. Cut to boyfriend coming back on deck holding a knife in both hands, everything drenched in blood. Swain darts into the cabin, sees the best friend holding his intestines in, and oozing blood from the stomach, and says, "Are you ok?" This was so jarring that I had to pause the film to recover. After that, her strangling the best friend with a pillow, then kissing him, her stuffing a flare in a gas tank, jumping off the boat, and watching it explode when the engine starts, and the ending where, it seems the Brazilian is cavorting in a pool with a young woman who obviously rescued him from the water didn't even phase me.

The photography is stunning, and Swain's looks are almost their equal, but the story went terribly wrong. IMDB readers say 6.2 of 10 based on 9 voters. There is nearly nothing else on the net about it. It seems to have had a theatrical release in Brazil, or at least a premier, but is, I think, straight to vid here. Enjoy the images, and skip this one completely. It looks fine, and the writing had some potential, but even if you like thrillers, you will probably not care for this one. D.

  • Thumbnails
  • Scenery
  • Dominique Swain  (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)



    "Hell's Highway" (2001)

    Hell's Highway (2001) is a straight to vid released by Brain Damage Home Video. It is due for release next week, and nobody but me seems to have seen it, which makes me nearly the unluckiest living human. Two cars full of kids from Pennsylvania take a road trip to Laguna Beach, California. As we join them, they are in death Valley, for some reason, on "Hell's Highway." We have already been treated to the legend of Hell's Highway once, when Lucinda, supposedly Lucifer in the flesh, kills a preacher. The kids in the only car we see are making a shaky-cam record of their trip a la Blair Witch, and one of the four, Kirin David, shows her tits for the camera. Then they stop to pick up guess who, who is hitch-hiking. Lucinda admits she is going to kill them all, and that she has already killed everyone in the other car. She then decides to play with the other woman in the car, and begins to finger her. They manage to force Lucinda out of the car, then drive off. Later, they will kill her time after time only to have her re-appear.

    Between attacks on our 4 main characters, Lucinda kills another motorist, played by porn legend Ron Jeremy, who must weigh in at well over 300 lbs now. We have one night camping in the desert, where we again see Kirin's breasts, as she has sex in a tent. From that point, it is non-stop gore, until the point when Lucinda attacks the driver of the car with a chainsaw, cutting off one of his arms, and opening his stomach like she was cleaning a fish, in plain sight of the others. The other guy runs up, grabs his friend, and says ... Yup, you guessed it, "Are you ok?" Three of the four are killed, then the last girl is taken into a government test facility, where she learns that Lucinda was not Satan, but rather 4 clunts from a secret project gone awry. What's a clunt, you ask? A female clone. Just when we have learned this new bit, and the girl is told she will be the next experiment, Lucinda, in a final moment of irony, shows up again. We can only hope that this ending wasn't leaving room for a sequel.

    Not enough votes for a score, but this is an F, if there every was one, not just because of the Blair Witch shaky-cam, not just because of the awful dialogue, but also because of poor acting and rotten photography. F.

  • Thumbnails

  • Beverly Lynne (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)
  • Spaz
    • Euro-actress Astrid Frank (you may remember her from The Au Pair Girls last month) has various sexual encounters in "Her and She and Him" (1969). The first picture is the usual softcore porn nudity while, the second is more hardcore.
    • Jenny Roberston has a couple of possible nipple sightings (love scene and downblouse) in "The Nightman" (1992).
    • French-Canadian actress Marie Brassard has some topless, rear, and even some gyno-cam nudity in "Le Polygraphe" (1996).
    • Gail Travers has a dark nude scene in "The Pianist" (1991). She really does not fill out that bathing suit very well.
    • Angela Alvarado completely nude but showing nothing in Shadowhunter (1993).

    What could be better than five Blackshine scans of Scavullo photographs, especially when there is substantial nudity? Is this guy good or what?


    Note to OZ - some of your attachments didn't arrive intact, and I didn't notice until too late that the text and pictures didn't match. Please re-send the others with the appropriate comments. Thanks!

    Penne Dennison  One for the Aussies - Penne Dennison. She's reasonably well-known in Australia and is currently the host of a local music video programme. She showed some pokies one week. Didn't come out as well as they looked live.

    Kate Reid  Continuing the Australian theme, Kate Reid shows the briefest of topless nudity in To Market, To Market.

    Bianca Nacson  You see Bianca Nelson's contribution to Monster!. Shortly afterwards she becomes a victim. No nudity as she is getting ready for some  hanky-panky in the back seat of a car.

    Heather Locklear  No nudity by Heather Locklear, of course, in The Return of Swamp Thing. Just some nice pictures.

    Glenn Close  A bit of an upskirt by Glenn Close in Reversal of Fortune as she lies dead on the bathroom floor.

    Beverly D'Angelo  Well, Beverly D'Angelo is topless as she leans out of the car in Man  Trouble but nothing is visible. However, there are some other nice caps.

    Andrea Roth  No nudity by Andrea Roth in Harlequin's A Change of Place, just some nice shots.

    Cathy Moriarty   Likewise for Cathy Moriarty in Neighbours where she plays one of the neighbours from hell.



    It's a "Lite" day.

    First, the last of the "Breeders" girls, Adrianne Lee. (1, 2)

    Then it's back in the time machine to 1980 and Brian De Palma's "Dressed to Kill", featuring the super sexy looking Nancy Allen. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 7, 8, 9)


    Erika Marozsan (1,2) Topless in "Gloomy Sunday"

    Alida Tarallo, rear and breasts in an episode of The Sopranos

    Catrin Striebeck in "Frau 2 Sucht HappyEnd". Topless, and she has a nice body, but her face looks like a man in a wig.

    Corinna Harfouch in "Solo fuer Klarinette". Breasts and buns.

    Cosma Shiva Hagen. Topless. shower scene in "Rosa Roth"

    Mareike Fell, very brief nipple peek in "Samt und Seide"

    Michaela Probst in "Der Schwammerlkoenig". Breasts, and very nice ones, at that.

    Oksana Babiy in a bathing suit in The Sopranos

    Sofia Milos, beautiful woman, but fully dressed in The Sopranos


    Victoria Morsell in "Hotline: Sleepless Nights"


    The stars of Marienhof, including see-through activity

    Heike Makatsch, the German Jeri Ryan, topless in Die Affaere Semmeling

    Shakira, in concert. No nudity.

    Arianne Sommer. Fully dressed on a talk show, but see the one of her below for a more explicit look.

    Nova Meierhenrich. Beautiful TV captures, but no nudity.


    Marla Sokoloff

    NicNac says this is probably not her at all, but a body double, in The Practice

    Arianne Sommer.

    You have to love German advertisements. I don't think you'll see this ad in the US version of TV Guide. Not only is it topless, but the topless woman is on the receiving end of oral sex!

    Bridget Fonda (1,2)

    I never looked at the Kiss of the Dragon DVD, because I saw it at the theaters, and didn't notice any nudity. Luckily, Mr Skin's team  combed through it for us, and found a stray nipple. Nothing much to see in the second one

    Silly Stuff

    Top Ten Valentines Day Cards Rejected by Hallmark:

    10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
         But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

    9. Our love will never become cold and hollow
        Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

    8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store
        In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.

    7. This feels so good, it feels so right I just wish
        it wasn't $250 a night.

    6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
        'specially when I'm spanking your big fat ass

    5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
        But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!

    4. Through all the things that came to pass
        Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.

    3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie
        I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".

    2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
       So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

    1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister
       You should check out the one that I gave to your sister

    Requests and Opportunities

    Three people wrote in with various tips and requests  (my words in yellow)

    UK tv presenter-reporter Katy Haswell- anything to show about her or not? I am wondering if this sexy former CNN presenter of ArtClub on CNN International has taken the clothes off in any magazine before or has some photographer has caught an "oops" pic on her stunning look... Please let me know if you have something about her or not...

    Nothing in our archives

    Kari Staa, the Gold Medalist in the Women's downhill Mogul competition is from Norway.  She posed for some revealing pictures in a magazine called UltraSport.  I believe it is a Norwegian magazine, and I believe she was nude.  I would love to see those pictures if you
    can get them.

    We don't have them yet, but that's a great tip!!. If any of you Scandinavians have these, let's have a look. I found this on the web, but I have no idea where it was taken, what exactly is visible, or even if it's real.

    Hello, do you know any British (or any kind) cappers/imagers that can make caps from UK tv and might take requests. Have been looking someone who could cap Lara Belmont from next week's (12 & 13) BBC Two channel two-part movie called Crime and Punishment.

    Sounds like it might be a worthwhile project for you highbrow types from the UK

    Celeb News


    Both stories from NY Post, Page Six.  Apparently, Portia was the only woman who enjoyed "Sirens" even more than you did... Pat Reeder, the Comedy Wire

    Did Portia marry lady love?

    "ALLY McBeal" stunner Portia de Rossi is gaga over girlfriend Francesca Gregorini - but they did not get hitched in a secret lesbian wedding. London's Daily Star reported that de Rossi exchanged vows with Gregorini, the step-daughter of Ringo Starr, at De Rossi's 29th birthday bash last week. But Portia's mouthpiece, Heidi Schaefer, denied to PAGE SIX that the couple walked down the aisle.

    "There was no ceremony," Schaefer said. "There was a cake, Portia blew out the candles. [Gregorini] was there, but there was no marriage." Asked whether de Rossi and Gregorini are lovers, Schaefer said, "They are friends, yes." Sources say de Rossi, who plays man-chasing lawyer Nelle Porter on the hit show, has been dating Francesca, a singer, for six months. Their romance went public after they were photographed smooching in Los Angeles last November, and the pictures were picked up by the supermarket tabs. But not surprisingly, de Rossi's sapphic smooching was largely ignored by the mainstream press.

    For years, Portia, whose real name is Mandy Rogers, has displayed a Rosie O'Donnell-like coyness when it came to whether or not she is a lesbian. The Australian-born actress was once linked to Hugh Grant, her co-star in the 1994 movie "Sirens." At the time, Grant shot down rumors of a romance by saying: "Do you understand how funny that is?"

    Openly gay Francesca, 33, is the daughter of ex-Beatle Ringo's wife Barbara Bach. She has an apartment in Hollywood, but usually stays at Portia's pad, the Daily Star reports. In contrast to Ellen DeGeneres, Portia is the first high-profile "lipstick lesbian" to come out of Hollywood in quite some time. The ravishing blonde L'Oreal spokesmodel has the kind of stick-thin frame that drives fuller-figured women mad.

    Gross-out zits of the stars

    CALL them the Os-Scars. Famed Hollywood dermatologist Vail Reese has announced the winners of his annual "Skinnies" awards, which recognize "the most significant entertainment skin conditions of the past year." Reese honors Benjamin Bratt's turn in "Pinero," with "Best Performance to Distract From Strange Skin Lesions." Jennifer Connelly in "A Beautiful Mind" and Aki Ross in "Final Fantasy" tie for "Most Facial Lesions on an Otherwise Perfect Face." Gwen Stefani snags "Performer with the Most Moles." The award for "Baldest Cast" goes to "Heist," starring follicly feeble actors Gene Hackman, Danny DeVito, Delroy Lindo and Ricky Jay. "Most Unexpected Cameo" goes to actual photos of Joseph "The Elephant Man" Merrick in "From Hell," which Reese chides for casting gorgeous Heather Graham as the "most unrealistically attractive 19th century prostitute a filmmaker could envision. No smallpox scars or syphilitic ulcers?"