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Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
Junior is taking the night off, so I'm filling in on tonight's page. I guess
that means there's nothing to read here, so move along.
The following are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded
into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that I inexplicably determined
there might be something of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or
Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.
"Dead in the Water" (2001)
Dead in the Water (2001) is a freshman effort at a thriller by Brazilian Gustavo
Lipsztein (wrote, produced and directed). From the opening shot during the main
titles, which is an absolutely fabulous harbor sunrise shot of Rio, I wanted to
like this film. Several breathtaking scenery shots later, we see star Dominique
Swain with her boyfriend in a clear, beautifully saturated scene. The premise
was ok. Swain and her boyfriend are to go to their vacation home and work on
their relationship, and their best friend is coming. Why? We never know. Her
father insists she take the son of a rich Brazil business associate along and
show him the ocean. So the four drive to the beach villa, and board a small
Swain and the boyfriend are having problems, the best friend really wants Swain,
and Swain is not immune to the charms of the handsome Brazilian. At this point,
what could have been a first rate romantic drama or comedy was turned into a
terrible thriller. The boyfriend and his buddy go snorkeling, leaving Swain with
the Brazilian. The two kiss, as much her idea as his, just as her boyfriend
arrives back on the boat. The boyfriend knocks the Brazilian over-board, and
drives off in the boat. When they finally return, the Brazilian is not to be
found. It soon becomes every man (or woman) for himself, as they decide how to
handle this death.
At this point, I was still hoping for at least some real nudity, or a little
more pace and excitement, but was disappointed on both accounts. Dominique does
show most of one cheek as her ass tries to eat her bikini bottom, and the top of
her breasts are visible as she bends forward, but no real nudity. In case the
film looks appealing so far, it is time to stop reading, as the rest is a total
spoiler. The boyfriend attempts suicide, then Dominique and the best friend
decide the only way out of the predicament is to kill the boyfriend and blow up
the boat. The best friend goes into the cabin and hits the despondent boyfriend
over the head with a fire extinguisher. Cut to boyfriend coming back on deck
holding a knife in both hands, everything drenched in blood. Swain darts into
the cabin, sees the best friend holding his intestines in, and oozing blood from
the stomach, and says, "Are you ok?" This was so jarring that I had to pause the
film to recover. After that, her strangling the best friend with a pillow, then
kissing him, her stuffing a flare in a gas tank, jumping off the boat, and
watching it explode when the engine starts, and the ending where, it seems the
Brazilian is cavorting in a pool with a young woman who obviously rescued him
from the water didn't even phase me.
The photography is stunning, and Swain's looks are almost their equal, but the
story went terribly wrong. IMDB readers say 6.2 of 10 based on 9 voters. There
is nearly nothing else on the net about it. It seems to have had a theatrical
release in Brazil, or at least a premier, but is, I think, straight to vid here.
Enjoy the images, and skip this one completely. It looks fine, and the writing
had some potential, but even if you like thrillers, you will probably not care
for this one. D.
"Hell's Highway" (2001)
Hell's Highway (2001) is a straight to vid released by Brain Damage Home Video.
It is due for release next week, and nobody but me seems to have seen it, which
makes me nearly the unluckiest living human. Two cars full of kids from
Pennsylvania take a road trip to Laguna Beach, California. As we join them, they
are in death Valley, for some reason, on "Hell's Highway." We have already been
treated to the legend of Hell's Highway once, when Lucinda, supposedly Lucifer
in the flesh, kills a preacher. The kids in the only car we see are making a
shaky-cam record of their trip a la Blair Witch, and one of the four, Kirin
David, shows her tits for the camera. Then they stop to pick up guess who, who
is hitch-hiking. Lucinda admits she is going to kill them all, and that she has
already killed everyone in the other car. She then decides to play with the
other woman in the car, and begins to finger her. They manage to force Lucinda
out of the car, then drive off. Later, they will kill her time after time only
to have her re-appear.Thumbnails
Between attacks on our 4 main characters, Lucinda kills another motorist, played
by porn legend Ron Jeremy, who must weigh in at well over 300 lbs now. We have
one night camping in the desert, where we again see Kirin's breasts, as she has
sex in a tent. From that point, it is non-stop gore, until the point when
Lucinda attacks the driver of the car with a chainsaw, cutting off one of his
arms, and opening his stomach like she was cleaning a fish, in plain sight of
the others. The other guy runs up, grabs his friend, and says ... Yup, you
guessed it, "Are you ok?" Three of the four are killed, then the last girl is
taken into a government test facility, where she learns that Lucinda was not
Satan, but rather 4 clunts from a secret project gone awry. What's a clunt, you
ask? A female clone. Just when we have learned this new bit, and the girl is
told she will be the next experiment, Lucinda, in a final moment of irony, shows
up again. We can only hope that this ending wasn't leaving room for a sequel.
Not enough votes for a score, but this is an F, if there every was one, not just
because of the Blair Witch shaky-cam, not just because of the awful dialogue,
but also because of poor acting and rotten photography. F.
- Euro-actress Astrid Frank (you may remember her from The Au Pair Girls
last month) has various sexual encounters in "Her and She and Him" (1969). The
first picture is the usual softcore porn nudity while, the second is more
- Jenny Roberston has a couple of possible nipple sightings (love scene and
downblouse) in "The Nightman" (1992).
- French-Canadian actress
Marie Brassard has some topless, rear, and even
some gyno-cam nudity in "Le Polygraphe" (1996).
- Gail Travers has a dark nude scene in "The Pianist" (1991). She really
does not fill out that bathing suit very well.
- Angela Alvarado
completely nude but showing nothing in Shadowhunter
What could be better than five Blackshine scans of Scavullo photographs,
especially when there is substantial nudity? Is this guy good or what?
Note to OZ - some of your attachments didn't arrive intact, and I didn't notice
until too late that the text and pictures didn't match. Please re-send the
others with the appropriate comments. Thanks!
Penne Dennison One for the
Aussies - Penne Dennison. She's reasonably well-known in Australia and is
currently the host of a local music video programme. She showed some pokies one
week. Didn't come out as well as they looked live.
Kate Reid Continuing the Australian
theme, Kate Reid shows the briefest of topless nudity in To Market, To Market.
Bianca Nacson You see
Bianca Nelson's contribution to Monster!. Shortly afterwards she becomes a
victim. No nudity as she is getting ready for some hanky-panky in the back
seat of a car.
Heather Locklear No nudity by
Heather Locklear, of course, in The Return of Swamp Thing. Just some nice
Glenn Close A bit of an upskirt by
Glenn Close in Reversal of Fortune as she lies dead on the bathroom floor.
Beverly D'Angelo Well,
Beverly D'Angelo is topless as she leans out of the car in Man Trouble but
nothing is visible. However, there are some other nice caps.
Andrea Roth No nudity by Andrea
Roth in Harlequin's A Change of Place, just some nice shots.
Cathy Moriarty Likewise
for Cathy Moriarty in Neighbours where she plays one of the neighbours from
First, the last of the "Breeders" girls,
Adrianne Lee. (1,
Then it's back in the time machine to 1980 and
Brian De Palma's "Dressed to Kill", featuring the super sexy looking Nancy
Erika Marozsan (1,2)
Topless in "Gloomy Sunday"
Alida Tarallo, rear and breasts
in an episode of The Sopranos
Catrin Striebeck in "Frau 2
Sucht HappyEnd". Topless, and she has a nice body, but her face looks like a man
in a wig.
Corinna Harfouch in "Solo
fuer Klarinette". Breasts and buns.
Cosma Shiva Hagen. Topless.
shower scene in "Rosa Roth"
Mareike Fell, very brief nipple
peek in "Samt und Seide"
Michaela Probst in "Der
Schwammerlkoenig". Breasts, and very nice ones, at that.
Oksana Babiy in a bathing suit in
Sofia Milos, beautiful woman, but
fully dressed in The Sopranos
Victoria Morsell in "Hotline:
The stars of Marienhof,
including see-through activity
Heike Makatsch, the German Jeri
Ryan, topless in Die Affaere Semmeling
Shakira, in concert. No nudity.
Arianne Sommer. Fully dressed on a
talk show, but see the one of her below for a more explicit look.
Nova Meierhenrich. Beautiful
TV captures, but no nudity.
NicNac says this is probably not her at all, but a body double, in The Practice
You have to love German advertisements. I don't think you'll see this ad in the
US version of TV Guide. Not only is it topless, but the topless woman is on the
receiving end of oral sex!
Bridget Fonda (1,2)
I never looked at the Kiss of the Dragon DVD, because I saw it at the theaters,
and didn't notice any nudity. Luckily, Mr Skin's team combed through it
for us, and found a stray nipple. Nothing much to see in the second one|
Top Ten Valentines Day Cards
Rejected by Hallmark:
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store
In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right I just wish
it wasn't $250 a night.
6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
'specially when I'm spanking your big fat ass
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!
4. Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.
3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".
2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister
Requests and Opportunities
Three people wrote in with various tips and requests (my words in
UK tv presenter-reporter Katy Haswell- anything to show about her or not?
I am wondering if this sexy former CNN
presenter of ArtClub on CNN International has taken the clothes off in any
magazine before or has some photographer has caught an "oops" pic on her
Please let me know if you have something about her
Nothing in our archives
Kari Staa, the Gold Medalist in the Women's downhill Mogul competition is
from Norway. She posed for some revealing pictures in a magazine called
UltraSport. I believe it is a Norwegian magazine, and I believe she was
nude. I would love to see those pictures if you
can get them.
We don't have them yet, but that's a great tip!!. If any
of you Scandinavians have these, let's have a look.
I found this on the web,
but I have no idea where it was taken, what exactly is visible, or even if
Hello, do you know any British (or any kind) cappers/imagers that can
make caps from UK tv and might take requests. Have been looking someone who
could cap Lara Belmont from next week's (12 & 13) BBC Two channel two-part
movie called Crime and Punishment.
Sounds like it might be a worthwhile project for you
highbrow types from the UK
Both stories from NY Post, Page Six. Apparently, Portia was the only woman
who enjoyed "Sirens" even more than you did... Pat Reeder,
the Comedy Wire
Did Portia marry lady love?
"ALLY McBeal" stunner Portia de Rossi is gaga over girlfriend Francesca
Gregorini - but they did not get hitched in a secret lesbian wedding. London's
Daily Star reported that de Rossi exchanged vows with Gregorini, the
step-daughter of Ringo Starr, at De Rossi's 29th birthday bash last week. But
Portia's mouthpiece, Heidi Schaefer, denied to PAGE SIX that the couple walked
down the aisle.
"There was no ceremony," Schaefer said. "There was a cake, Portia blew out the
candles. [Gregorini] was there, but there was no marriage." Asked whether de
Rossi and Gregorini are lovers, Schaefer said, "They are friends, yes." Sources
say de Rossi, who plays man-chasing lawyer Nelle Porter on the hit show, has
been dating Francesca, a singer, for six months. Their romance went public after
they were photographed smooching in Los Angeles last November, and the pictures
were picked up by the supermarket tabs. But not surprisingly, de Rossi's sapphic
smooching was largely ignored by the mainstream press.
For years, Portia, whose real name is Mandy Rogers, has displayed a Rosie
O'Donnell-like coyness when it came to whether or not she is a lesbian. The
Australian-born actress was once linked to Hugh Grant, her co-star in the 1994
movie "Sirens." At the time, Grant shot down rumors of a romance by saying: "Do
you understand how funny that is?"
Openly gay Francesca, 33, is the daughter of ex-Beatle Ringo's wife Barbara
Bach. She has an apartment in Hollywood, but usually stays at Portia's pad, the
Daily Star reports. In contrast to Ellen DeGeneres, Portia is the first
high-profile "lipstick lesbian" to come out of Hollywood in quite some time. The
ravishing blonde L'Oreal spokesmodel has the kind of stick-thin frame that
drives fuller-figured women mad.
Gross-out zits of the stars
CALL them the Os-Scars. Famed Hollywood dermatologist Vail Reese has announced
the winners of his annual "Skinnies" awards, which recognize "the most
significant entertainment skin conditions of the past year." Reese honors
Benjamin Bratt's turn in "Pinero," with "Best Performance to Distract From
Strange Skin Lesions." Jennifer Connelly in "A Beautiful Mind" and Aki Ross in
"Final Fantasy" tie for "Most Facial Lesions on an Otherwise Perfect Face." Gwen
Stefani snags "Performer with the Most Moles." The award for "Baldest Cast" goes
to "Heist," starring follicly feeble actors Gene Hackman, Danny DeVito, Delroy
Lindo and Ricky Jay. "Most Unexpected Cameo" goes to actual photos of Joseph
"The Elephant Man" Merrick in "From Hell," which Reese chides for casting
gorgeous Heather Graham as the "most unrealistically attractive 19th century
prostitute a filmmaker could envision. No smallpox scars or syphilitic ulcers?"