"The Blood Oranges"

The Blood Oranges (1997) is a redo of one of my first projects after becoming a member of the Fun House team. As the images were rather small, with a far less interesting format, it was time for an update. It had been long enough that I watched the entire film. Here is what I originally said. "It is a story set in an unnamed paradise and is about open marriage. One couple, secure in their alternate life-style, think they have met the couple of their dreams. The relationships do not prove to be as easy as first thought. The critics that have reviewed it, hate it -- I didn't. The photography, as the 32 images I have produced show, is superb, there is ample nudity, and I found the plot, while a little slow-paced, to be engrossing, and rather sensitive. It is shot in Mexico, and features ocean shots and Spanish gardens that make me want to move there.

"We have exposure from three actresses -- Sheryl Lee, Laila Robins and Aida Lopez. German born Sheryl has 27 credits at IMDB, and briefly dated David Duchovny. Laila is credited with 20 projects, including Planes, Trains and Automobiles. This is Aida's only film appearance, and she has a lengthy, but non-speaking part which includes full-frontal nudity."

This time through, I am much more in agreement with the critics. The couple secure in their open lifestyle are highly manipulative, and end up causing serious trouble for the other couple. The male half of the other couple turns out to be a sexual deviant, and the women is emotionally week, so none of the characters are really likeable. Never mind that their three children also suffered. I can't say that any great truths were revealed about these characters in the course of the film either. The film does indeed look wonderful, and there is great nudity, but what eroticism the film has is independent from the nude scenes and the few sex scenes. Their are erotic seduction moments, but they are few and far between. To make matters worse, the film, as was the book, is narrated flashbacks, with a fade to dark orange and back to show where we shift time frames. The dialogue sounded forced, as if they were going for a 60's period piece.

The Blood Oranges is great eye candy, but nothing more, and fails as erotica. Women at IMDB score it slightly higher than men, 4.5 compared to 3.8, and older men and younger women seemed to like it a little better. This is a C-. Were it not for a beautiful photography in a lovely location, and a good transfer, it would be lower.

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  • Aida Lopez (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
  • Laila Robins (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
  • Sheryl Lee (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    Demon Slayer (2003)

    Quick summary: You don't want to see this movie.

    It's basically a haunted house movie with a tiny twist. The house is a building which will be fixed up and made into a youth club. The kids trapped inside are juvenile offenders who have been given a choice of work or jail. They chose the haunted house over the big house. Leg bracelets keep them from leaving.

    Blah blah blah ... house used to be a brothel ... the operators worshipped an Aztec goddess ... everyone was killed one night except one child ... the now-grown child is the guy who arranged for the kids to be assigned to the house ... one of the juvy offenders is the descendant of the Aztec witch ... the descendant must get rid of the evil Aztec spirits ... yadda yadda yadda.

    Gimmicky colored filters ... clichéd characters ... schlock.

    Approximate budget: only the cost of the video tape and the actors' salaries. The entire film takes place in a deserted and dilapidated house. I reckon they just used a real deserted house.

    Only one good thing about the movie - Michelle Acuna does a topless scene in good light, and she is attractive. The rest of the nudity is complete crap. In fact, is it beyond simple crap and more in the realm of professional grade fertilizer prepared from the manure of large and particularly foul-smelling beasts.

    • Michelle Acuna (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    • Complete crap (1, 2, 3)



    • Updated volumes: Victoria Abril, Krista Allen, Nancy Allen, Jessica Alba, Maria Alonso, Joey Lauren Adams, Isabelle Adjani, Kirstie Alley


    Other crap:

    Here are the latest movie reviews available at

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    Graphic Response
    Excellent nudity from the Spanish movie "Y tu mamá también".

    Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website.

    'Caps and comments by Brainscan:

    Here's few leftovers from recent posts.

    To The Limit was pitched as a vehicle for Anna Nicole Smith's acting career. That she turned to stripping shortly thereafter tells you everything you need to know about how well-received this movie was. Oh, and the fact that top billing is shared with Joey Travolta is another clue. The sound you hear is the scraping of the bottom of the barrel.

    A more confused muddle of a mess you are likely never to see. Or maybe things are a lot clearer when you look at the movie at real speed, rather than at the 8X scan speed I used. I doubt it, however.

    Lots o nekkid babes. A couple of party-girl topless dancer types start the movie with a bang. They are uncredited and one of them is just another hyper-inflated bleach blonde. The other is a right nice-looking brunette, so her I capped.

    This is triple Hefmate movie, which makes it obedient to Brainscan's First Law of Hefmate Movies, namely that when you see one you are certain to see another. They travel in pairs, you see... much like those things for which they are most famous.

    So in addition to the previously mentioned Vicky (call me Anna Nicole) Smith, you get to see Kathy Shower, Hefmate for May '85, and Rebecca Ferratti, Miss June '86. Kathy is in this knee-slappin' sport-humpin' scene. She's all a-grinding away on top of some old dude while he (in his boxers) is watching tv. And I'm thinking, what the hell? What geezer would rather watch the news than boff a young babe? Then it becomes clear that she's his wife. Okay, now I understand. You see Kathy's hooties and her bum.

    • Kathy Shower (1, 2)

    Rebecca, on the hand, plays the virginal bride of another geeze, gunned down on the steps of the church. All you see is her face, but she looks great in white.

    You get two female assassins for the price of one in this cinematic masterpiece. Catherine Weber plays one. You see her in a post-shootout, hooter-exposing, hooter-groping scene.

    Coralisa Gines plays the other. She goes from massage to murder and shows off everything but her furry bits while wearing a thong.

    • Coralisa Gines (1, 2)

    Then, let us switch movies entirely and look again at the shower scene in Carrie, in which Cindy Daly does the full-frontal bosa nova.

    'Caps and comments by Oz:

    The IMDB has this item of trivia for the late Maria Antonietta Beluzzi, 'Had amazingly enormous breasts on which Fellini based one of the most humorous scenes of Amarcord'. This is them, and some bloke was having a good time with them.

    • Maria Antonietta Beluzzi (1, 2)

    Continue with the 1970s Italian movies we have The Decameron. The movie is a series of nine short stories set in medieval Italy, although why women in the 14th century would have bikini lines I have no idea. Unfortunately, the actresses are not identified except one. There's a bit of bush shown by a few actresses.

    • Angela Luce (1, 2)
    • Assorted (1, 2, 3, 4)
    • "Caterina" (1, 2)
    • "Gemmata" (1, 2)
    • Nuns (1, 2)

    "Say Nothing"
    Showing that she still has it and is willing to show it, we have Nastassja Kinski briefly topless, and maybe more, in Say Nothing.

    • Nastassja Kinski (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

    "There's a Girl in My Soup"
    I'll stand corrected but I think There's a Girl in My Soup is the only movie where we get to see the briefest glimpse of Goldie Hawn's bush (unless of course it's a body double...see link #4). There are a lot of other sexy shots of Goldie in there as well. There's topless shots of Geraldine Sherman and Gabrielle Drake while Nicola Pagett and Françoise Pascal show a lot of sex appeal.

    "Broken Vessels"
    The main nudity in Broken Vessels comes from a topless Marcia Gray. Sharon Traylor gets around in a thong and an ambulance patient gets her top taken off. It was a weird film.

    Emily Lloyd goes starkers in Honeytrap but we only get to see the rear and side views unfortunately.

    • Emily Lloyd (1, 2, 3)

    "The Price of Love"
    Nice pokies of Laurel Holloman in The Price of Love.

    "Bubble Boy"
    Marley Shelton doesn't show the goodies but she does look sexy in Bubble Boy.

    • Marley Shelton (1, 2)

    "The Only Way Out"
    The same goes for Julianne Phillips in The Only Way Out.

    • Julianne Phillips (1, 2)

    Eliza Dushku
    Lots of cleavage and double-sided tape by Eliza Dushku on the Late Show with David Letterman earlier this year. I don't know the exact date as we get the show at odd times and dates.

    Thandie Newton
    Ditto for Thandie Newton.

    Gisele Bündchen
    Ditto again for Gisele Bündchen, except she was on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno last Thursday night.

    • Gisele Bündchen (1, 2)

    "The Anniversary"
    The topless display of Parker Posey and Jane Adams has appeared before in the Funhouse. However, there is a good display of pokies by Gwyneth Paltrow and Jennifer Jason Leigh, and Mina Badie looks very nice.

    "Vampire's Kiss"
    Similarly, Kasi Lemmons' topless display in Vampire's Kiss has appeared before but the caps of Jennifer Beals and Maria Conchita Alonso are new and very easy on the eye.

    'Caps and comments by Hankster:

    Today a favorite lady and movie of mine. Nicole Kidman in 1995's "To Die For".

    For the nudity fans, there is none. But I don't think she ever looked sexier than she does in this flick. Short skirts with lots of leg and such a beautiful face. She truly is "To Die For".

    Pat Reeder
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    Moore Dirt! - The Smoking Gun website will launch a TV show on Court TV called "Smoking Gun TV." Celebrities may not be happy, since TSG has become notorious for unearthing embarrassing legal documents and photos of celebrities. But they sometimes help the stars: Monday, they revealed that the man suing Demi Moore for sexual harassment has been the subject of seven restraining orders, a domestic abuse charge and an outstanding warrant for failure to answer a five-count criminal harassment complaint.

  • Coincidentally, their debut episode will feature special guest, Demi Moore.
  • After the things they've revealed about Demi's divorce and plastic surgery, it was the least they could do.
  • "Smoking Gun TV" will be seen everywhere except New York, where Mike Bloomberg has banned all smoking.

    His Tights Are Made To Conceal An Enormous Penis - The producer of "Smallville" told TV Guide that Clark Kent will remain a virgin for now. He said the show isn't like "Dawson's Creek," but is about romance, and sex would forever change the series. Besides, he said there are "physical, biological issues," like, "Would he crush someone" during sex? He said Clark might have "super equipment, so you'd have to be pretty darn careful."

  • So THAT'S why they call him "The Man Of Steel!"
  • Also, his spermicide would have to contain Kryptonite to be effective.
  • Even if the woman survived, the sex would be lousy because he's faster than a speeding bullet.
  • Besides, what if Clark took off his pants, and Lana said, "Whoa! Smallville!"

    Everybody Loves Ratings - Ray Romano agreed to do "Everybody Loves Raymond" for two more years for $50 million, or $1.7 million per episode, making him the highest-paid actor on TV. He had been talking about quitting, saying he wanted to leave before the show slid downhill.

  • His agent had been making that VERY clear to CBS...
  • Now, if it slides downhill fast, he can land softly on a big pile of money.
  • Of course, his brother Robert won't get nearly as much money.