Rian Johnson, you're on notice.
OK, kid, you made a pretty clever movie in Brick (2006). It's
basically a Raymond Chandler story, except that the Philip Marlowe
character is a
student in a high school in California. That's kind of a high-falutin'
literary conceit, but it got you some good reviews and a chance to
make more movies.
But I got a bone to pick with you, dude. In fact, three
1) If you were going to get Nora Zeheter topless, why did you
film the scene so goddamned dark?
2) Why did you delete it?
3) Most important, since it was already so damned dark, why did
you bother to digitally alter it to hide Nora's boobs? That's
Here's the evidence. Look at the part I circled in gray. This
is black space. There could not be any color splotches there.
There are, in fact, no color splotches there in any other part of
the deleted scenes, and there are 25 minutes worth of them. It
only occurs in the very few frames when Zeheter's breasts are
visible - or should I say would have been visible if you
hadn't messed with the footage.
extreme example, with all the colors brightened and saturated to
So, you're on notice, Johnson. I'm taking "The Cannes Jury" off
my personal version of the official Stephen Colbert notice board
and replacing them with you. I'm watchin' you. One more move like
this, and you're dead to me, much like evil twins and Charles
Although now that I think about it, Charles Laughton is kinda
dead to everyone.
If you really want to see this scene, here's the film clip
as a zipped .mpg. I don't recommend it for reasons which
should be apparent from my comments above.
Here are some stills. You can see from the second one that we
seem to have missed out on some pretty sweet hooters.
For reference, here is Zeheter in Conversations With Other
Troll (1986) and Troll 2 (1990)
Troll was part of a popular sub-genre in the 1980s which
consisted of ordinary middle-class people interacting with fantasy
creatures in circumstances both comedic and frightening. Joe Dante
and Steven Spielberg kicked the ball off in 1984 with Gremlins, a
film which was assembled for $11 million and grossed more than of
$150 million. This was the biggest success story in the genre, and
the only one that was really any good, but it wasn't the
only profitable one. 1985's dreadful Ghoulies (2.9 at IMDb, #91 on
the "all time worst" list) was made by Empire Pictures for a
paltry million dollars, and grossed $35 million. One year later,
Empire decided to try its luck again, this time with Troll.
Long ago, humans banished trolls and their fellow fanciful
creatures from our dimension. The king of the trolls is now trying
to return to our world and conquer it through a portal which
exists in the laundry room of an apartment building in San
Francisco. He possesses a magic ring which enables him to do all
sorts of things, the most important of which, at least for plot
purposes, is to be able to take human form by inserting his spirit
into an existing human body. A new family moves into the
apartments on the same day that Mr. Troll makes his move, so he
takes advantage of that by starting his world conquest modestly,
by possessing their 11-year-old daughter. Hey, even the longest
journey begins with a single step. Somebody famous said that.
Either Confucius or Dom DeLuise, I believe.
As time goes on, the Troll encounters many former television
stars who are living in the building. Gary Sandy (WKRP) is there,
and was happy for it, since he had not worked in the three years
between WKRP and this film, and unemployment checks do not keep
coming forever, even in California. Sonny Bono is there as well,
playing the part of a real swingin' ladies man, ala Austin Powers.
June Lockhart (Lassie's mom) is also there, but King Troll is not
that happy to encounter her, since she turns out to be a powerful
witch who knew him when humans and trolls co-existed. Best of all,
Seinfeld's Julia Louis-Dreyfus is there naked. (Discreetly
naked. It's a PG-13 movie.)
Dreyfus had two great successes in her career. She was part of
two American comedy shows which were cultural landmarks, having
spent four years (1982-1985) on SNL and nine years on
Seinfeld (1990-1998). The path in between those milestones was a
bit overgrown, and she was struggling to find her way for a while. I presume
that's why she agreed to wiggle her bum while prancing around the
woods in an faux-ivy thong bikini, playing a dryad in this uninspired movie (3.3
At any rate, the troll summarily disposes of each of the TV
guest stars, dispatching each of them to a separate fate. He turns
Sonny Bono into a giant green vagina, for example, although the
humans didn't really notice any change, and the fantasy creatures
felt it was an improvement, especially the Jolly Green Giant, who
called Sonny his "ho" three times and felt a certain tightness in
his leafy tunic. We never did get to see how Bono dealt with
the bean sprout and the niblets, but I guess he did OK, because he
subsequently gave birth to several tiny little green creatures.
Troll isn't really a good movie, as indicated by IMDb score, but
it has all sorts of guilty pleasures, and offers all sorts of
loopy fun. I actually enjoyed watching it for the surreal casting,
the silly creatures, and Sonny Bono's crazy overacting. The very
competent cinematography was provided by Romano Albani, who lensed
several giallo films for Bava and Argento.
(C- on our scale.)
Here is the video clip, in quality approximately equal to DVD.
Because of the fog and the silly bikini contraption, the stills
make the scene seem like a total rip-off, but the video clip is
actually pretty sexy!
Here are the stills:
Troll 2 doesn't have any nudity at all, but it is worth
a quick mention, since (1) it is currently being offered on the
same 2-for-1 DVD as Troll; and (2) it is currently ranked as the
worst film of all time at IMDb.
That ranking speaks for itself, but there are some curious
elements worth mentioning. First, it has nothing to do with the
earlier movie called Troll. It has none of the same characters and
no familiar actors at all. Second, it was made in Italy and was
not produced by Empire Pictures, the people who presumably owned
the Troll name. Third, the film doesn't even have anything to do
with trolls, although it belongs to the same fantasy sub-genre as
Troll. A family goes on vacation and has semi-scary, semi-funny
encounters with goblins in a town called Nilbog. (Get it?)
In other words, it took a big brass set to call it Troll 2.
Well, do you know who had just a set? The prolific Italian
porno producer/director Joe D'Amato, who directed 196 films of his
own, and also produced a couple dozen, including this one. This
may be the only PG-13 one in the lot. Most of his other films have
titles like The Anal Perversions of Lolita, and Robin Hood: Thief
One more astounding item. The costume design for Troll 2 was
done by the famous softcore porn star Laura Gemser (Black
Emmanuelle), who was one of D'Amato's favorite leading ladies.
I know that the IMDb crowd thinks it's the worst ever, but it
isn't. It's just another crappy script with bad acting and silly
make-up. I can't even call this film an F, because the
cinematography is gorgeous. The film was lensed by Giancarlo
Ferrando, who shot many competent gialli for Sergio Martino, and
his work has been transferred nicely to DVD. In fact, Ferrando's
beautiful cinematography made the rest of the film seem worse,
because it exposed the clumsiness of the make-up and special
Colbert's "Word" - Pencils Down. Colbert
argues against "tests"
Stephen Colbert is no fan of the Internets,
but he does love to bookmark his favorites.
Colbert rails against public breast-feeding
Colbert Report: Tip/Wag
- Middle East Crisis ... "Bush is like
a cordless Dirt Devil vacuum. If you don't recharge his
batteries, he can't suck."
Colbert discusses Lieberman
Samantha Bee equates Lieberman to a stalker
No-mentum: the Daily Show looks at the
Jon Stewart discusses the mid-term
Aasif Mandvi reassures us not to worry
about the screams during the birth pangs of Middle Eastern
Geraldo and Bill O'Reilly bad-mouth Comedy
Chandler driver accused of tossing 69
speeding tickets, totaling
"Britney Spears falls down!"
The Rise and Fall of Britney Spears
National Underwear Day Takes It Off in
- Damn, I miss all the good holidays.
"Israel's recent incursions into Lebanon
are not acts of aggression. 'We are merely clearing out the
riff-raff for the world's largest Super Wal-Mart'
The trailer from ZEN NOIR
- A nameless detective (Duane Sharp),
still mourning the loss of his wife, investigates a mysterious
death in a Buddhist temple, but his logical, left-brained
crime-solving skills are useless in the intuitive, non-linear
world of Zen. While attempting to question the inhabitants of
the temple -- Ed (Ezra Buzzington), a monk with an attitude
and secrets to hide; Jane (Debra Miller), a beautiful,
mysterious, bald femme fatale; and the Master (Kim Chan), an
infuriatingly obscure Zen teacher, who does a lot of strange
things with oranges - the Detective's logical mind is thwarted
at every turn by his suspects' Zen thinking...
Detective: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Monk: What exactly do you mean by time?
Increasingly confused and unnerved, haunted by his dead wife's
ghost, and with his investigation going nowhere, the Detective
finds himself drawn into a deeper, darker, more personal
mystery, where he must confront terrifying questions about
love and loss, which lead to a startling realization: the
mystery he's there to solve isn't a murder at all, but the
mystery of death itself.
How to add a Google Map to any web page in
Aniston says she never even heard of any
guy named Vince Vaughn
You're On Notice! - The Stephen Colbert "On
Notice Board" Generator
President Offers Heartfelt Condolences to
Joe Lieberman on His Vicious Political Lynching by Sissy-Assed
Anti-Killing Yankees (WHITEHOUSE.ORG)
Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format.
Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.
Rolling Kansas (2003) is a road movie about some older college students who
are all the sons of hippies. One of their number is about to divorce, and is
dead broke, when the friends find their parents' map to a massive forest of
pot planted by the government. The idea is to find the forest, bring back a
huge stash, and solve all of their money problems before finals. Finally, with
the help of Rip Torn, they find the forest, but have many more challenges on
their way to financial independence.
Most of the humor is supposed to result from the personal characteristics
of the friends. One is a fat man with narcolepsy, another in a wheel chair, an
third thinks he is gay, and so on. At times, I found it silly, but nonetheless
was rooting for the kids, and found some scenes amusing.
In addition to a few laughs, there's some nice nudity along the way. The
lads duck into a rural tittie bar, where we see a lot of Mia Zottoli who shows
off her buns in a t-back, and more than the usual quota of breast flesh. Mia's
legs are so strong she has muscle definition.
This is a C-.
IMDb readers say 6.0.
Dann reports on Somersault:
When Mom returns home to find teenage daughter Heidi making out with her
live-in boyfriend, she doesn't handle it well. Heidi hits the streets, and
starts growing up the hard way in this excellent 2004 Australian
Heidi bounces from one relationship to
another as she struggles merely to survive. Along the way, she experiments
with sex and booze, and has various encounters with people who may or may
not have her best interests at heart.
Well-written, well-acted story that has
both pleasant and unpleasant moments, but is never boring, which also
describes Heidi's experiences.
Monroe in Marilyn Monroe, The Mortal Goddess
Monroe in The Misfits
Leonidas in La Fiesta Del Chivo
drops her pants and lets Howard Stern feel her pantied butt. (Zipped
Pat's comments in yellow...
According to a report by the Centers for Disease Control, fewer American
teenagers are having sex. Since 1991, the number of sexually-active teens has
dropped from 54.1 to 46.8 percent. And the number of teens who've had multiple
sex partners, meaning four or more, has dropped from 18.7 to 14.3 percent.
* To today's teenagers, sex with only three people isn't
multiple partners, it's "study hall."
The Minor League Newark, New Jersey, Bears baseball team got so much publicity
with "Britney Spears Baby Safety Night," they are holding a new promotion
tonight: "Scientology Night." All fans who dress as a celebrity Scientologist,
such as Tom Cruise, John Travolta or Kirstie Alley, get in free.
They'll also hold drawings for free copies of L. Ron Hubbard's book "Dianetics"
and DVDs of Travolta's movie, "Battlefield Earth."
* The one drawback to "Scientology Night" is that you can
come into the stadium, but you can never leave.
Urban design expert Stephen Bayley declared that London has become a "filthy,
lawless and expensive place to live"
* Suddenly, America's crime rate drops, and London's
skyrockets. Isn't it time the police took a long, hard look at Gwyneth Paltrow?