"The Last Hand"
The Last Hand (1995, 1997, 2994) was completed and copyrighted in 1995, released on German TV in 1997 as After the Game, and is now in the US on DVD. IMDB scores this 2.0. Interestingly, over half the votes are perfect 10, and 9 of the 10 are from people who gave no demographics. A man wins big in a Monday night poker game in Elco Nevada. ON the way home with the money, he is shot and killed, and the car blows up. His son comes to town to find out what happened. The police have no interest in calling it anything but a drunk driving accident.
The people in the game all figure prominently in the plot, so lets run through them quickly. The casino owner, the brother of the murdered man, a man the casino owner is deeply in debt to, and that man's wife, Susan Traylor. Pay close attention to an ugly blue briefcase, because each time it is opened, the contents change among women's underwear, coke, and lots of money. The casino owner's girlfriend, Hudson Leick, also figures prominently in the story.
Traylor is evidently sleeping with the casino owner, her husband, and the dead man. Leick, it seems, also plays around a lot, but ends up in the company of the son of the dead man. Everybody wants the coke, the money, and the dead to the casino, which is almost as elusive as the magic suitcase. One by one, everyone is killed except the son of the dead man. We see him hitchhiking out of town, and is picked up by his dead father. We then see him dead, being put into the coroners wagon. Then they see Hudson Leick hitchhiking. The sone says, "Again?" The father answers, "The game is never over."
The only comments at IMDB says,
"A film noir murder mystery from the camp of Hitchcock, Welles, and Kubrick.
""After The Game" is a film that was influenced by the Coen brothers':"Blood Simple", Wim Wenders':"Wings Of Desire", and Shakespeare's: "Hamlet". It deals on the surface with greed, murder, deceit, lust, and revenge while on a subtler level it explores the spiritual world of Karma, and the afterlife. The world as we know it is only an illusion, much like a movie. I hope "After The Game" provokes thoughts that both tantalize and enlighten."
Indeed, pretty high praise for writer/director Brewster MacWilliams. I would have been even more impressed had that not been written by firstname.lastname@example.org. Both women show breasts. There is lots of shooting excitement, too little sex and nudity, and way too many characters to keep track of along with the elusive blue briefcase. The transfer is a rather poor 4/3 effort with no features. This would have just been another D effort, except for the ending, which deserves a half grade removed, so D-.
|Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
The Eternal (2003):
There are only three things you really need
to know about this film:
1. It is culled from a Showtime
series called Chromiumblue.com. The Chromium Blue is an exclusive cruise
2. The official website calls it "A
magic carpet ride into the world of sassy women, brave men,
vampires, cowboys, naked golfers, pirates, and ghosts." (For
the record, they forgot to mention air boats and heavy metal music.)
3. It was directed by pretentious, pseudo-arty
softcore schlockmeister Zalman King.
From those three facts, you can
picture exactly what happens, the tone used to present it, the
musical score, and even most of the camera angles and movement. Hey,
it's Zalman King, with no Adrian Lyne around to make it classier.
Call it Blue Ship Diaries.
You still want to know more?
Well, if you like the idea of vampire
pirates, this is your movie. If that doesn't excite you, you'll find
that vampire pirates are pretty much like other vampires, except
without the fashion sense. Personally, I like the timeless cape and
tuxedo look, with no large accessories. That jumbo-ass pirate hat
made the pirate vampire look kinda dorky. On the other hand, the
parrot makes sense as a handy source of emergency blood if there are
no other victims available.
This particular Zalman King effort
differs from some of his more pedestrian work like Two Moon
Junction, in that it almost completely discards the entire concept
of a "storyline", and is therefore virtually incoherent. In fact, it
is so repetitive that it seems to have been created by taking all
the parts of the series with a particular sub-plot and just
stringing them together. The narrative voice keeps explaining the
same things again and again, as if the different parts of the
narration were culled from different episodes, with the later
episodes summarizing the previous plot for those who did not see
those earlier episodes. The visuals are also repeated again and
again. What's more, the ratio between narration and other forms of
exposition must be something like 75/25, or even 90/10. If you watch
this with your DVD player on mute, I don't think you will have the
slightest idea what is happening.
I watched it with the narration
turned on, and I still wasn't sure what was happening.
It's like watching the dreams of a
lunatic, as brought to life in a rock video. In fact, it is so
indebted to the rock video mystique that it actually shows the names
of the songs and the artists in the lower corner, just like a real
rock video ...
... except longer. WAY longer.
The narrator tells us that the good
pirate vampire is so good that he will never feed on the same woman
twice, for fear he will turn her or kill her. This apparently
disqualifies him from full vampire status and relegates him to the
title of "eternal" rather than "vampire". I gather that being an
eternal rather than a full bat is like being a light-colonel rather
than a full bird. Just as a light-colonel can be called "colonel",
an eternal is sometimes called "vampire".
Some evil full vampire doesn't like
the good light-vampire for some reason or another, so he sends a
woman after the sweet-hearted and soulful pirate light-vampire. (He
strums on an acoustic guitar constantly. How soulful is that shit?)
She challenges the light-vampire to some extreme and illegal auto
racing. (??) Elegant but effete Europeans bet on these races, which
someone photographs and broadcasts to casinos. The racing woman
seems to fall in love with the light-vampire. Or is she just
pretending, under the orders of the full vampire?
The narrator says something like.
"Poor Maria. Always in control, then for once she gives herself away
to total crazy, crazy love, and it's with ... a vampire"
Well, technically, a light-vampire.
Then some more similar, equally
incoherent stuff happens, while the camera swirls around and
sensuous music plays for 90 minutes. Some of it has nothing to do
with vampires, but simply pictures other irrelevant passengers and
crew from the cruise ship.
The Job (2003):
Daryl Hannah, there is good new and
First the good news: you're now
getting some very cool leading roles.
The bad news: they are in home
Oh, I'm being mean. The Job isn't a
home movie, but rather a straight-to-vid. It is a competently filmed, but
totally unappealing story about a female hit woman who softens up
when she gets pregnant at the same time she's asked to kill another
It's more or less a vacuous
bloodbath. Various unlikable people hunt each other down and shoot
Daryl did OK in the movie, but she's playing someone
who has almost completely lost her ability for normal emotional
responses, so pretty much anyone could have handled the part.
Alex Rocco, Brad Renfro and Dominique
Swain round out the uninspired cast, all of them overacting enough
to make up for Hannah's stylized numbness.
Daryl Hannah (1,
clips. Today's theme - when they were young.
If you think Diane Lane is hot now, then you're
going to be drooling when you see her in Lady Beware.
One of the most famous bottomless scenes of all
time: Julianne Moore proves that the drapes match the carpet in
Sissy Spacek was gorgeous at one time, and she
sparkled in Prime Cut
From Wednesday's Fun House Report:
Australian Idol chick has the winning showbiz formula Actual
quote: "'I want to have shorter hot pants than Kylie, have more
scandal ..... etc" Um...well, hate
to inform you, Uncle Scoopy, but Courtney Act, the "girl" in
question, is actually a gay transvestite. She still looks
hot...except for the bulge at the front of her minidress.
- Charlie's French Cinema Nudity site is updated.
Susan Sarandon and Robin Williams team up for THE CONSPIRATOR,
based on historian James L. Swanson's 'Manhunt: The Twelve Day
Chase for Lincoln's Killers'. It is also rumored that Paul
Newman will join the cast.
E-Jacko shows up at Sundance to support his film
"Miss Castaway", which stars Eric Roberts, Joe Millionaire,
and Shemp Howard.
Trent Lott calls Hillary Clinton "Butt Ugly",
because, you know, Lott himself is virtually a Brad Pitt
The ten worst movies of 2003.
Bill O'Reilly was a homosexual until he was 28??:
He said "forever branded in my brain as Princess Leia, her
first film 'Star Wars.' She doesn't like to hear that, but I
was a kid and it turned me into a heterosexual immediately."
O'Reilly was actually 28 when Star Wars came out and turned
him into a heterosexual.
A Tribute to Terrible Board Games!
The 10 worst opening ceremonies in sports history.
Bible-thumping nudists: "Depending on the version
of the Bible you use, there are as many as 40 passages that
refer to nudity". I'm not sure which version I have. Which one
has Genesis, then Exodus, then Samuel, then Fanny? The Book of
Fanny alone has 80 nude scenes.
Hegre - nude photographer extraordinaire - has updated his
- Trivia? Who was the
first American President to have his voice recorded?
Check out the best of Jordan before her breasts explode in the
jungle on "I'm a Celebrity"
New Hubble photograph of Neptune
NBC Tones Down 'Friends' Praise in Ads NBC called
Friends The Best Comedy Ever. Kelley Grammer protested because
NBC failed to remind people of Frasier's genius. Grammer
pointed out that although Friends was funny and much beloved,
Frasier was ... um ... more ... pompous or something. Homer
Simpson and Jerry Seinfeld were not available for comment.
- The trailer for
The Trilogy is now online. Lucas Belvaux made three
movies about the same characters, each movie focusing on
different ones with a different tone (comedy, drama,
thriller). I guess he has a whole Kieslowski thing going. You
have to hope that the movies are better than this trailer,
which is amateurish.
- The trailer for
The Clearing is now online. Kidnap/ransom thriller
with Robert Redford and Helen Mirren.
The Daily Show looks at the State of the Union address
Howard Dean presents "the Top 10 ways I, Howard Dean, can turn
David Letterman : Top Ten other revelations in Pete Rose's
- Th trailer for
Nocturna is now online. Intense cartoon adventure -
possible cult film.
Legendary Hollywood hoofer Ann Miller dies at 81.
More Howard Dean remixes. President - no. Rock star
Ben Affleck, J.Lo Break Off Relationship. By the
time you read this, they will probably be back together.
- If you think you hate karaoke now, wait until you see
Sing Along With ABBA!
STUFF MAGAZINE's winners in their search for the most
beautiful women on the planet
Free galleries of model Alison Dupri
In Las Vegas even the cororner's office is in showbiz
Who's leading in the Oscar race?
Nicole Kidman will play Ulla, the hysterically sexy secretary
to Max Bialystock (Nathan Lane) and Leo Bloom (Matthew
Broderick) in the big screen remake of Mel Brooks' The
Theron is back to looking good
Bob Marley to release as many as 10 new albums.
Whoa. Death really hasn't slowed him down much, has it?
FilmJerk.com - The New Pilots are Here! The New Pilots are
Britney Spears has made a deal to produce and star in 'Door to
Door,' an adaptation of a novel by Tobi Tobin being acquired
by New Regency. Britney will play an existentialist
philosopher debating a career change into quantum physics
while wearing perky outfits.
- Paramount has posted the trailers for
The Reckoning. (Medieval period murder mystery with
Willem Dafoe and Mr Jennifer Connelly - looks similar to The
Name of the Rose) I don't know jack about director Paul
McGuigan and cinematographer Peter Sova, but if the
cinematography in this trailer is any example, they absolutely
know what they're doing.
Actress Julia Roberts is being sued by four female musicians
who say they were paid less than male artists during work on
her latest movie about female empowerment.
The Oscars: false, pretentious humorless crap, or just false,
pretentious crap? You be the judge.
- There's now a trailer online for
The Escape from Neverland Game (Don't go there at
work unless you shut off your sound)
Conservative gay marriage poll gets unexpected results.
Is your spouse nuts? Take this simple quiz and find out.
(Weekly World News)
Gay men don't like bush. They aren't that crazy
about Bush, either.
An American institution, Eastman Kodak, is in serious trouble.
The Rochester New York-based company reported an 83 percent
fall in fourth quarter net income, and 15,000 upcoming
Amy Yasbeck, Felicity Huffman Join New TV Projects
Not Fooling Anybody: a chronicle of storefront conversions
that just don't work.
JoBlo.com's Sundance report: Day 5
FOX is the #1 network for the second straight weekend.
ABC is a distant fourth, falling far behind the other three.
A television producer from the U.K. has been named the only
living Samurai warrior outside of Japan.. The only
downside? "If anything were to happen in Japan I'd have to
drop everything and go and protect the emperor."
Medics have warned that Jordan's breasts could explode if
leeches get to suck them in the jungle. She is
planning to whip them out on "I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of
Here.". If they do explode, I want to see the footage.
The Archbishop of Rio de Janeiro says samba dancers should be
arrested if they go ahead with plans to re-enact the Kama
Sutra during the 2004 carnival. Unless, of course,
they do it with altar boys,
The free video section from Playboy's Big
The free video section from Playboy's
The free video section from Playboy Plus!
The free portion of ChrissyMoran.com
archives. May also include newer material than the ones above,
since it's sorta in real time.
to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap
are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the
review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that
there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written
by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too
ashamed to admit it.
Kristin Davis in Sex and the City (.avi version, .wmv version)
God this is hot! Jennifer Connelly in the deleted
scenes from Walking the Dead. If they would add this scene back in
and run this film in theaters, I would pay full price to see it,
despite the fact that the movie itself kinda sucks. (.avi version, .wmv version)
Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble
with the codecs for these movies:
FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use
DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use
virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the
vids says the video codec: DivX Decoder Filter & audio
codec: Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with.
When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG
Layer-3. A friend of mine told me about compressing the
audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been
capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this
info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.
When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp &
asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using
camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could
never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost
too much to buy in my opinion.
A reader says:
You mentioned that some users were
having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool
designed to determine what codec is needed for a video.
http://www.headbands.com/gspot/ Hope this is useful to you
or your users.
I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9.
The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in
the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly
larger, and slightly lower quality.
- Ally Sheedy, the star of such 80's classics as "St. Elmo's Fire" (1985), "The Breakfast Club" (1985), and "WarGames" (1983). Here she is topless in lesbian love scenes from "High Art" 1998.
Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website. www.graphic-barry.com.
'Caps and comments by Brainscan:
Four commonly recognized elements are lighter than air. Two are hydrogen and helium. The other two are Mark Wahlberg and Jennifer Aniston.
Put either Wahlbergum or Anistonium into a celluloid product and it's not the same as having nothing at all there. Professionals can work around empty space and fill it with their own personalities. But these two elements exist, occupy the space and in the end contribute only their lightness.
Three Kings, Boogie Nights and Perfect Storm are prime examples for Wahlberg, and Office Space nicely illustrates the lightness of Aniston. Say what you might about Office Space, it is peopled with carefully crafted, eccentric personalities that stick with you. Even the secretary in the first scene who answers the phone time and again with the same phrases and squeaky intonation is a work of art. Aniston's character, however, is a cypher, a nought, a zilch. Watching her performance was like aiming a modern guided weapon: see it and forget it.
So someone wondered what would happen if you mixed Wahlberg and Aniston. And the answer is Rock Star (2001). Lighter than air, the whole thing, but oddly enough it is elevated not one inch above ground level. Things go on you just don't care about, conflict ensues between our two principals (conflict without reaction) and all comes out sorta kinda okay in the end.
There are girls everywhere in the movie, as you would expect in a story about rock musicians, but the exposure is minimal. Well, there is this one scene of a hotel room the morning after a party, with about a dozen half-naked babes lying around. A decidedly panoramic view takes away any chance to see much, however. Didn't even bother to cap it.
Capped scenes include the following:
Jennifer Aniston with pokies (one scene) and cleavage (another scene), put together in one handy collage. The second collage is really a montage of a slow pan with Jennifer wearing the same pokitudinal outfit as in #1... without the pokies. She sure looks good, however.
Dagmara Domincyzk... a real beauty... in a cleavage-revealing outfit. Her character, by the way, stands up to pee... which means she plays a guy, I suppose. I mean, I'm only guessing here, but micturition whilst standing upright seems a cardinal sign of guyness.
And then there are three Hefmates... the three reasons I grabbed this movie in the first place.
This last bit of casting, I have to say, is a really odd choice. Hollywood is overrun with terrific looking young women who can act, but the producers went out and got Hefmates (and Rachel Hunter) to play these small roles and then didn't get their kits off. Isn't that why you hired them in the first place? Make it gratiutous, make it blatant, but get em nekkid. Words to live by.
|Deborah Kara Unger
|The Canadian actress bares all, including some near gyno-views in scenes from the David Cronenberg movie "Crash" (1996).
||One of the most beautiful women on the planet showing off some cleavage at red carpet thingie. Thanks to Squiddy.
||LC 'caps of the French actress topless and showing a little bit of rear nudity in scenes from "Les Égarés.
||Thes sexy co-star of the Showtime series "The Chris Isaak Show", baring most of her bum during a guest appearance on the Charlie Sheen comedy, "Two and a Half Men".
|C2000 'caps of the "Young and the Restless" co-star and virtual girlfriend from "The 6th Day" topless and also in bikini scenes from "The Groomsmen" (2001).
|Marvin delivers a few more 'caps from the Tinto Brass movie "L' Uomo che guarda" aka "The Voyeur" (1993). Of course being a Tinto movie, we have plenty of nudity, especially from the rear view. Also seen are plenty of gyno-views and even some penetration.
|Pat Reeder www.comedy-wire.com
Pat's comments in yellow...
MEN WIRED TO LOOK AT BREASTS
Bottom Line: Men Are Apes - Britain's Sun tabloid, famous for its topless
Page Three Girls, reports that men can't help staring at a woman's chest.
Desmond Morris, author of the pioneering human behavior book "The Naked
Ape," believes it's genetic. He says that female monkeys attract males by
holding their rear ends up in the air, and that evolution caused full
female breasts to develop when human beings began having sex face-to-face.
Noting that breast size has nothing to do with milk production, he says
big, round breasts and cleavage developed solely to attract males by
directly imitating the shape of the female bottom, only in front.
So Pamela Anderson is just trying to look like J-Lo walking into a room
Except in Brazil, where women still attract men by waving their bottoms.
Okay, Dr. Morris: explain "toe cleavage."
If a woman has big, round breasts, men never do anything face-to-face
POTHEAD BUYS CABBAGE BY MISTAKE
He Paid A Lot Of Cabbage, Too - A 27-year-old Belgian man traveled by train
to Amsterdam to buy marijuana. Upon his return, he reeked of pot so badly,
police checked his bags and found his stash. But he'd been swindled: his
"marijuana" was dried cabbage. He was released, since it's not illegal to
bring cabbage over the border. But police said he was furious. He'd
smoked so much pot in Holland, he didn't realize he was being sold cabbage.
If this were America and he were Tommy Chong, they'd send him to prison
for buying cabbage.
He was too stoned to see the upside of the situation.
That won't even satisfy his munchies!
P.DIDDY SUED FOR $30,000-A-MONTH CHILD SUPPORT
P. Daddy - Misa Hylton-Brim, the ex-wife of Sean "P. Diddy" Combs, is in
court demanding that his child support for their 10-year-old son be raised
to $30,000 a month. She says Combs pays $30,000 support to the mother of
his illegitimate six-year-old son, and he should pay her the same. Her
lawyer said she needs that much to provide him with private school, a
full-time nanny, 'round-the-clock security, and everything else the child
needs because of "his father being who he is."
So that means he needs to maintain a posse...And buy a cabinet full of
His dad is responsible for J-Lo's music career, so the kid needs
If he has that kind of money, he should be investing in condoms.
ART GARFUNKEL BUSTED FOR POT
Wow! Clay Aiken's Aged! - Art Garfunkel was charged with marijuana
possession in upstate New York, after a trooper pulled over his limo for
speeding and smelled pot inside. It carries only a $100 fine. The trooper
said he didn't realize who he'd busted until later, even though Garfunkel
told him he was a celebrity.
Art, when you have to tell people you're a celebrity...you're not a
You can tell Art is back with Paul Simon again: he can now afford things
like limos and pot and $100 fines.