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Updates:
Dirty Love (2005):
Read this review at
the Movie House, because the review includes pictures and Tuna's
comments. I scored it an F. Tuna weighed in with a D-.
Death to the Supermodels (2005):
Today was a record-setting day. I watched Dirty Love and Death to the
Supermodels back to back. Dirty Love is rated 3.0 at IMDb, low enough
to make the all-time bottom 100, and received 96% negative reviews.
Death to the Supermodels is worse. What are the chances of watching
two such awful comedies back-to-back without intending to set some
kind of record? The odds against it must be greater than the odds
against OJ's innocence. It was, as I'm sure you can imagine, a
traumatic experience from which I may never recover. It was 12 of the
longest hours of my life. Why 12? No, they are not six-hour movies,
but do you think you could watch these straight through without
pausing to do other things? If you could, you are more of a man than I
am. I must be a total pussy, because if I had any crimes to confess,
I'd probably do so immediately under the threat of repeating this experience in
three hours. To avoid such torture, I would even consider committing
some crimes, and then confessing to them!
(Although Supermodels is actually a worse movie than Dirty Love, I had
to score this one higher because the photography is technically
competent and the DVD is a good transfer. Dirty Love matched its poor
script with harsh lighting and grainy film production.)
Jamie
Pressly plays the co-ordinator of
a "swimsuit edition" shoot. She gathers five of the world's hottest
supermodels on a deserted island with two gay photographers and a
dwarf. One by one, the models start getting even thinner than usual,
thanks to death. The tag line? "They're drop dead gorgeous."
And the movie is every bit as good as
it sounds.
DVD Verdict wrote:
The acting sucks. The writing sucks. The directing
sucks. The music sucks. That spider monkey whose howls are used to
drive home punchlines sucks (the less said about that the better). The
fact that the only nudity in the movie comes five minutes in sucks.
The fact that I requested to review this DVD sucks.
It is filled with lame schtick. Only one of the gay photographers talks (the
other is mute), and he basically does all the 1960s Catskill gay humor
and gestures. You know the routine. He goes "tsk!" a lot, shrieks, and
poses akimbo.
Cry a sad tear for Taylor Negron, once a
pretty funny comic actor on the B-list, who plays a the mute gay
photographer. He sports bleach-blond hair, and spends the entire film
in a speedo! That's right, a man who is quite funny and not that
attractive plays an aging pretty boy with no dialogue. Do you think
this is what he was expecting to do at age 47?
Given the premise, this film might have been
structured as a watchable exploitation film, but neither Jaime Pressly
nor any of the gorgeous supermodels show any skin! The only nudity is
provided by Eva Derrek as a sixth model, in a totally gratuitous scene
which introduces the two photographers back on the mainland, and shows
that they are oh-so-very gay. Eva is stark naked, but camera angles
and a strategic hand prevent lower frontal exposure. Why was this scene in the film? I
don't know. The same point could have been made on the island with any
of the supermodels. Perhaps everyone else had a "no nudity" clause.
Bonus: Mr Skin captured Eva Derrek in a movie I have not
seen, Corpses
Other Crap:
Celebrities, then.. and now
- Some of them aren't even identifiable (check out
Elizabeth Hurley).
Koko, the signing gorilla, has a nipple fetish
Welcome to V8 Snowblowers.com
Why your mom warned you against horseplay ...
"A man has pleaded guilty to trespassing in connection
with a fatal horse-sex case."
- The convicted man is the one who videotaped the
horse sex. The one who actually had sex with a horse is
... well ... kinda ... um ... dead.
- On a more cheerful note, the horse seems to be fine!
"The prosecutor's office said no animal cruelty charges
were filed because there was no evidence of injury to
the horses."
"Homeless for the holidays" post-Katrina display draws ire
in Nawlins
- And nothing will wear a man out faster than drawing
some ire, with the possible exception of hurling obloquy
and shooting the bull
Letterman's "Top Ten Signs You're Too Fat"
Letterman's "Top Ten New President Bush Strategies For
Victory in Iraq"
- "Make an even larger 'Mission Accomplished' sign"
- "Put that go-getter Michael Brown in charge"
- "A little more vacation time at the ranch to clear
his head"
Aniston and Chekhov - together at last!
Sundance slots an Aniston comedy in the opening-night
role.
- Ah, the future of independent film! Gary Gilmore,
the festival director, said, "It's Chekovian in its
ability to talk about social issues and people, class
and idiosyncratic personalities at the same time."
- Actually, that is an interesting spelling mistake.
I'm sure Gilmore meant "Chekhovian," after the Russian
dramatist, Anton Chekhov. The word in the article, "Chekovian,"
would refer to Pavel Chekov, Kirk's navigator on the
Enterprise. But the error is something of a Freudian
slip, isn't it? I can well imagine that an Aniston movie
would be fairly descrived as "Chekovian."
- By the way, I don't suppose Gilmore delivered that
quote in writing, so the misspelling probably comes from
the journalist.
Al Qaeda Behind Thanksgiving Parade Balloon Attack
How do you discipline your pet cobra? It's even harder
when you have quintuplets.
Affleck, Garner--and Baby
This is a cool video!
What happens if you drive your car behind a 747?
Good news from the Swazi Observer ...
The minister of Finance has awarded a goat to the winning
team in last year's Mafutseni League soccer title.
- So they have the trophy, and plenty of goat cheese
for all!
- Their response offers further proof that we are now
in the post-ironic world: “We will see to it that the
players are sober during the games so as to impress the
minister and continue to assist us in future”
"The Weinstein Company has acquired the rights to develop
and produce a feature film based on the original hit
television series The Equalizer "
Family Guy: Brian finds Bush
Tired of Japanese Octopus Porn? Your quest for variety
may lead you to ...
bikini-clad elderly female bodybuilders
A new clip from King Kong (bottom of page, in bold
type, under "updatre," which is pronounced "oop-dot-tra")
Jon Voight as Pope John Paul II???
- Better yet, the pope as a younger man is played by
Cary Elwes!
- That's on the CBS version. There is also a competing
biopope on ABC this week.
- Both versions show the pope flirting with young
ladies in his youth.
- Man, I can't wait for the deleted scenes. I'm trying
to figure out how Jenna Jameson fits into the picture.
More proof we live in a post-ironic world. This is not
from a satire site. It is a real article.
PATRICK SWAYZE wants to meet with BONO to settle their
differences about the origin of mullets.
- Bono's position: 'I read somewhere that people think
Patrick Swayze invented the mullet. Someone needs to
tell him I invented the mullet.'
"Daily Show: Headlines - Operation Not-That-Bad" ...
"President Bush offered a stirring wartime oratory similar
to FDR's Fireside PDF Downloads."
"BUSH CALLS 'PLAN FOR VICTORY' SLOGAN A SUCCESS ...
Vows to Create Additional Slogans to Defeat Insurgents"
Paris to wed in Hawaii at Christmas
- Her previous wedding was to have been in October -
to a different guy!! (Although both are Greek shipping
heirs)
Camilla and her kids make the Royal and Ancient Christmas
Card |
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Movie Reviews:
Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format.
Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.
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Kingpin (2003 TV mini-series)
I have always believed that if you are going to steal, steal from the best.
I doubt if there is a single page of script here that wasn't lifted from The
Godfather, The Sopranos or Scarface. It is set in Mexico, and focuses on a
rising, American-educated lieutenant in a drug cartel who married a gringa,
Sheryl Lee, and is hence not fully trusted by the family. They can't ignore
his intellect, but feel he is not ruthless enough. This broadcast TV show was
picked up for six episodes, and died a quick death. Probably the biggest
criticism is that it doesn't contain any original ideas. It was obviously made
with a generous budget, and includes plenty of intrigue, crooked politicians,
nudity and extreme violence. The narrative style is much like The Sopranos,
where we follow threads through multiple episodes, thus introducing sub-plots
and new characters at will.
The theme is basically about getting completely into the head of Miguel
Cadena (Yancey Arias), and showing him as a complete person, with loyalties,
domestic problems, joys, sorrow, ambitions and family loyalty. They also chose
to present Lee's character as a strong but flawed woman who has brains and
power and uses both.
A major subplot involves a DEA agent, a plastic surgeon selling coke, and a
record producer who is a major player in the Texas drug scene.
We have breast exposure from Sheryl Lee in a very dark sex scene, and lots
of breast exposure from Maria Conchita Alonso as a police chief's wife who
cannot stay out of Miguel's brother's bed. We also see an anonymous breast
during the opening credits of the pilot, and the robo-hooters of a stripper.
IMDb readers have this at 7.1. It received an Emmy nomination for casting.
It was not that this was badly done. In fact, it was well done. It was just
that it has all been done before. This is a C. If you like this sort of
gangster film, you will like this one OK. The director was very proud of how
much story he managed to stuff into six weeks. I would agree. Where soap
operas are generally told much slower than real time, he managed to stuff an
amazing amount of plot into these six episodes.
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Dann reports on 8 MM2: Being a fan of 1999's 8MM is NOT a reason
to watch 2005's 8MM 2, because the second one has little if
anything to do with the first. Yes, there is a theme of blackmail that
runs through both, but even that is so different that the connection
really isn't there. Instead, watch it because even though it's not close
to being as good as 8MM, it is an interesting enough thriller with
a ton of nudity.
Set in Budapest, the American Ambassador's daughter and her finance,
who is an official at the embassy, are conned into getting involved in a
three-way tryst with a local model. Soon after, a videotape and blackmail
demand show up.
It will ruin his career and their pending marriage, so the two set out
to find the girl. Their search leads them to the very seedy Red Light
district, where the girl is a known adult performer; a great excuse to
show plenty of naked women, and they do.
A decent but not great thriller, with a twisty ending which is cool if
not unexpected. |
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Lori Heuring |
Zita Gorog |
various |
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First I would like to say that no matter what I
tried yesterday, that first clip of Charlotte Rampling would not pass
through my mail server. I have reworked the
material into two smaller clips that should more or less cover
the content of that first clip. (1,
2)
For today I've got clips of Jenny Agutter (1,
2,
3,
4,
5) in
Walkabout (1971). This movie, directed by Nicolas Roeg, is rated 7.6/10
in the IMDb with more than 65% of the 3000+ voters awarding it 8 or more! It
is available on DVD both in region 1and 2.
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