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Pat's comments in yellow:
MOST WOMEN WANT PLASTIC SURGERY
And Wait'll They Hit 40! - According to
a Grazia magazine survey of 1,000 British women, average age 34,
more than half say they are tempted to have cosmetic surgery, and
nearly all "constantly worry about their body shape and size." 80
percent wish they were thinner, even though only 27 percent were
overweight. Asked to list the parts they'd change, a majority of
all the women said they were unhappy with (in descending order)
their hips and thighs, waist, legs, breasts, bottom, ankles, feet,
arms, face, hands, teeth and hair.
* They don't want to do anything about their
hideous earlobes?! Or their repulsive shoulder blades?!!
* Also known as the Joan Rivers 3,000-mile Maintenance Checklist.
* They're British...Shouldn't "teeth" be higher on the list?
* They're too hard on themselves...Their husbands just listed their
breasts.
The women also chose Demi Moore as the celebrity who's improved the
most from plastic surgery, but Angelina Jolie has the body most
women want.
* And at the rate she's going, the body most
men will have had.
* Coincidentally, Demi's also HAD the most plastic surgery.
* Women think plastic surgery will turn them into an ideal of pure
femininity, just like it did for Michael Jackson.
ITALIAN MEN DON'T MIND NAKED WOMEN
Newsflash: Five Percent Of Italian Men Are Gay
- In a poll by the Italian Naturalist Federation, most
Italians said they were not bothered by nude sunbathers on public
beaches. More than 80 percent said it was natural, not erotic.
However, 40 percent of women said they didn't like seeing women
sunbathing nude, while only five percent of men object. However, 16
percent of the men said they would object if the naked women were
fat and ugly.
* Not because nudity is erotic, of course,
but because it's not natural for fat, ugly girls to be naked in
public.
* Ironically, those were the fattest and ugliest men.
* Unfortunately, the pretty women won't sunbathe naked because they
all THINK they're too fat and ugly.
BE THE SAME SHADE AS YOUR FAVORITE CELEBRITY
You're Gold, Baby! - You can now be the
same shade as your favorite star. The London Sun reports that
Naturasun Inc. is marketing ten spray-on tanners, each of which
promises to match the shade of a celebrity. The line ranges from
Regular Bronze, which will make you match Paris Hilton, to
Chocolate, which gives you J-Lo's skin color. A spokeswoman says if
you work with a beauty consultant, you can match the shade of any
celebrity.
* But if you want to match George Hamilton,
you'll have to go to Sherwin-Williams.
* To match Michael Jackson, you'll need three coats of whitewash.
* If your butt matches J-Lo's in size, you'll have to buy three
times as much tanner.
* To get the Charlize Theron Oscarcast tan, I suggest soaking in a
tub full of orange Kool-Aid.
* To match Paris Hilton perfectly, spray on one coat of Regular
Bronze tanner, then huff the rest until you get brain damage.
CELEBS IDENTIFY WITH GOOFY
But Those Are All Mickey Mouse Celebrities! -
In a Disney poll of 45 celebrities, including John Stamos, Jim
Belushi and David and Courtney Cox Arquette, they picked Goofy as
the Disney character they most identify with.
* Gee, I wonder why a bunch of millionaire
socialists who believe in Scientology and Kabbalah would identify
with Goofy?
* Harvey Keitel identifies with Donald Duck because they both make
movies with no pants on.
Oprah Would Make Them Open After Hours -
In a poll of the general public, Oprah Winfrey was chosen as the
star with whom they'd most like to share a Disney vacation, followed
by Clint Eastwood and Julie Andrews.
* Least favorite choice: Michael Jackson.
* They'd just like to see Clint pull out his Magnum and blow away
all those "It's A Small World" dolls.
* They figure only Oprah could afford to pay the bill.
TOM AND KATIE WEIRDNESS ROUND-UP
Is There A Drug To Cure That? - The New
York Post reports that the hot new fashion is a T-shirt with Tom
Cruise's face emblazoned with the word "Cruisazy." Designer MissWit
says the word means, "To act in a way that is Tom Cruise-like. To
know something completely that others do not."
* Like that Tom Cruise is crazy? Oh wait:
everyone knows that.
* Brooke Shields LOVES hers!
Adore Who Again? - Katie Holmes has
sparked new concerns by giving a zombified interview to W magazine,
in which her Scientology "minder" answered questions for her. At
one point, Holmes is asked to describe her feelings for Tom Cruise,
and the minder replies, "You adore him."
* Apparently, she's also the re-minder.
* But Katie just smiles vacantly, because she is SO AMAZING!
* Once again proving that brainwashing a Hollywood actress is the
world's easiest laundry job.
NOTE! Want to learn about Scientology? Try
http://www.xenu.net
Reader response to Pat's July 11 column:
Hi Fellas,
I read Pat's stuff every day on Scoopy's site, and always find it a
hoot. I enjoyed the "Band Demands Beauty Queens Backstage" story,
but I thought you might enjoy a fact that makes the story just a
little more bizarre, I think.
You refer to Apocalyptica as a 'Finnish rock group'. Would you
believe they're a Finnish string quartet? Even wackier, would you
believe that they specialize in doing string arrangements (primarily
for cellos) of famous heavy metal songs by bands like Metallica and
Slayer?
Yeah. And they aren't half-bad, either...even if their beauty-queen
request is a silly thing.
Keep up the good work,
Mr. Dark |
|
Video Game Industry Applauds Worldwide Piracy Raids In
“Operation Site Down”
Interesting picture of Robert Altman and Lindsay Lohan.
I guess this must be from the set of A Prairie Home
Companion. Mr. Altman is 80!
The police in the U.K. have been moving swiftly on the
suicide bombers - turns out they were all born in the
U.K.
Scott McClellan gets barbequed by reporters. I
almost regained my faith in the press when I read this!
- "You're in a bad spot here, Scott ... because
AFTER the investigation began -- AFTER the criminal
investigation was under way -- you said, October 10th,
2003, "I spoke with those individuals, Rove, Abrams
and Libby. As I pointed out, those individuals assured
me they were not involved in this," from that podium.
That's AFTER the criminal investigation began. Now
that Rove has essentially been caught red-handed
peddling this information, all of a sudden you have
respect for the sanctity of the criminal
investigation."
One more reason to hate Michael Bay:
Director tells Scarlett Johannson she can't go naked.
- She's standing there and she says, 'I'm not
wearing this cheap ... bra. I'm going naked." I said,
"It's PG-13, you have to wear the bra."
MSNBC gossip.
- Kate Hudson admits she often sees dead people.
- Plus, Dark Water's director thinks his movie
sucks! "Walter Salles, director of “Dark Water” is
said to be distancing himself from the flick. The
Brazilian director reportedly is unhappy with the
final cut of the film."
The Official Website of Comedian, Jimmy Shubert.
Check out his routine about the "conjoinal twins" for
one of the most politically incorrect rants ever. (It's
in the box under his picture.)
Smoking Gun:
Best Mug Shot Ever
Rumor Of The Day: Colin Farrell/ Nicole Narain Sex Tape?
URL says it all:
TheFatManWalking.com
Oh, be still, my beating heart.
"ROAD HOUSE 2 is on the way!"
Salma Hayek in Sin City 2?
Albums That Sucked - Fabio: After Dark!
"No, you're not smoking something--the cover of Willie
Nelson's new reggae album comes in two separate
versions: regular and Wal-Mart."
The Daily Show:
"Sandra Day O'Connor rules for both sides in the case of
Golf v. Grandchildren."
The Daily Show discusses the London aftermath.
"Jon Stewart interviews the author of a new book about
the crumbling wall between church and state."
"The Daily Show's Ed Helms explores the controversy
brought about by an art show called 'Controversy.'"
"Tom Cruise Starts Shooting M:I-3 "
"Mariah Carey gave fans more than they were expecting
after a 'wardrobe accident' exposed her breasts." No
pictures available yet.
Mobile home madness: Prices top $1 million in
California! And you don't even own the land when you
pony up the $1.4 million.
I'll bet you can guess the source of this true story:
"GAL WITH GREEN BABY SAYS SHE WAS RAPED BY A LEPRECHAUN"
...
He slipped her his little shamrock
Quotables: Late Night with Conan O'Brien
- "The White House says President Bush is in no
hurry to fill the vacancy on the Supreme Court, which
makes sense, since it took him four weeks to pick his
favorite Teletubby."
The Office Bow of Death (Create a real bow and arrow
from office supplies)
New pics from the Aeon Flux movie
Video: Canadian Airshow Disaster: "An air show in
Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan took a tragic turn when two
flyboys collided in mid-air. Sadly, the pilots are
presumed dead. "
Dave Barry's Blog is in England, summarizing the daily
cricket highlights.
"Writer/director M. Night Shyamalan (The Village, Signs,
The Sixth Sense) will film his next project, The Lady in
the Water, at Bristol Township"
"Keith Richards has finally been signed up to appear in
one of the two Pirates of the Caribbean sequels."
It's Keithmania! The film will also feature the two most
famous Keith Richards impersonators of the past few
years: Johnny Depp and Bill Nighy
"Charlotte Church's ex-boyfriend is releasing a book
revealing intimate details about their relationship."
I hope it's a picture book.
OK, maybe the French aren't so bad after all.
Paris city hall will not honour Scientologist Cruise:
"In a debate late Monday, the Socialist-controlled
municipal assembly approved a resolution 'never to
welcome the actor Tom Cruise, spokesman for Scientology
and self-declared militant for this organisation.'"
Hot Amish-on-Amish action. It will bore thee,
brother!
Energels - Energized Water. Don't be ripped off by
those fake energized waters, this is the one and only
original energel. Even the name "energel" sounds a lot
like "original."
The teaser for Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
Surfer rides a wave for six miles.
"UNNAMED WHITE HOUSE SOURCE DENIES LEAK" ... White
House Denies Leaking Denial
- "Elsewhere, filmmaker Oliver Stone announced that
he would direct a movie about 9/11 in which the
attacks are masterminded by former president Richard
M. Nixon."
"Ewan McGregor and Hugh Jackman have been signed up
to appear in
a big screen version of Andrew Lloyd Webber's musical
Sunset Boulevard. Glenn Close will reprise her role
as Norma Desmond in the film."
"Screen beauty JESSICA BIEL was mortified after she was
talked into modelling for a men's magazine at the age of
17." Well ... maybe. I don't know the truth, but the
story at the time was that she wanted that layout to be
raunchy because she was trying to get her TV employers
to break her existing contract, which forbade such
activity. |
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