"Rebecca's Secret"

Rebecca's Secret (1998) is a made for cable soft core staring Amy Rochelle as Rebecca, heiress to a company long john business that her jerk of a husband turned into a massive mail order lingerie business. He clearly loathes her, and she is not mentally stable, given to nightmares and fainting spells. The editor of their catalogue, Lauren Hays, pretends to be her friend, but is doing the husband. But then, the husband has sex with everyone, including his newest model, Avalon Anders.

Then Rochelle and Hays apparently kill him, and dispose of the body, but he refuses to stay dead. I think this is where the script ended, and they ad libbed the rest of the story, as this is where it stopped making any sense at all. A police woman seems intent on investigating something when they find the husband's car at the bottom of a cliff. Then some guy that we have seen Hays having sex with shows up with a gun to kill Rochelle, but she overpowers him with her boobs, fucks his brains out, then locks him in a supposed wine cellar which looks exactly like the receiving area of a supermarket, down to being full of banana boxes. She either dreams she is fucking him after that, or really does.

Hays is still fucking the dead husband, and had something to do with the assassin, but it was never really clear who was plotting with whom to do what to whom or exactly why. The film ends with all of the expected characters, including the dead ones, trying to drown each other in a swimming pool, and the surprise hero doing in the husband so all of the women can become best friends. Hey, don't blame me. I didn't write it.

Rochelle shows all three Bs about every 5 minutes, starting with the opening credits. Anders shows breasts and buns having sex in a thong. Hays has as much, if not more sex as Rochelle, but only shows breasts and buns. A special Tuna award to Al Carbon the DP for giving us the best photographs ever filmed of a crotch patch. The patch evidently didn't work out well, so a second Tuna award to makeup artist Eden Svendahl for inventing the peeling Merkin.

IMDb has this at 3.0, about 4 points too high in my estimation. The story makes no sense, the acting was abysmal, the sex scene shad little or no eroticism, the ending came out of nowhere and the sound was mushy. It was impossibly bad even by genre standards. E+

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  • Amy Rochelle (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35)
  • Avalon Anders (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)
  • Lauren Hays (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)
  • Merkin
  • Pubic Patch (1, 2)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    Hi, y'all. I'm taking a mini-vacation. I'll still be digging up some other crap every day, and will chip in with some movies as well, but not with my usual volume of verbiage and such!

    Other Crap:

    Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

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    Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.


    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.


    Words, pictures, and vids from ICMS


    Married to the Mob (1988)

    I don't think this clip needs an introduction. But it is always nice to see Nancy Travis perform with her clothes off in "Married to the Mob" (1988), isn't it?


    "Stern der Liebe" (2001).

    Italian actress Elena Sofia Ricci goes topless in a love scene in the German made for TV movie "Stern der Liebe" (2001; Star of Love).


    "Doomsdayer" (2000).

    Finally we come to "Doomsdayer" (2000). The DVD cost the huge amount of ONE euro in a promotion action by a supermarket chain. And what do you do although you actually don't need that film? You do buy it of course at that price. The only names that rang a bell were Brigitte Nielsen and Udo Kier. Furthermore the back cover mentioned Alexa Jago from Waterworld. I never heard of her but when I checked her in the IMDb she indeed played the role of 'atoll woman' there. Quite an achievement, I presume. When I entered her name in the search field of the Fun House I even found out that Tuna reviewed and made caps from this flick on November 26, 2001 and the review is even in the Movie House. Tuna's review is spot on, the only thing worth adding since three years ago is that the IMDb finally seems to have gotten the credits right for January Isaac, the lead actress in this movie. January shows a bit of her breasts and bum in a love scene with Joe Lara, the leading man in this festival of explosions.

    Alexa Jago even has a website of her own at www.alexajago.com, where she states a lot of credits to her name, the most remarkable being to have been discovered by none other than Sam Spiegel. She also executive produced "The Hillside Strangler" (confirmed by the end credits), for which the IMDb also lists her as an actress playing the role of "Amber Wilken". Only one problem here: after I read this I went several times through this movie again and could not find an Amber Wilken character in the movie nor in the end credits. Does anyone have any idea on where exactly Alexa can be seen in this movie? Coz' I don't know this Sarah Ferguson look-alike contest winner well enough to recognize her with different hair and make-up.  Alexa is naked under her bath robe, so we might get a brief flash of her nether region here, for the rest she shows 90% of her bum and some rear side view of a breast.

    To sum up this flick: too many explosions, too little skin and a story that was always silly, sometimes intentionally, but it isn't clear when.

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    'Caps and comments by Oz:

    "One Fine Day"
    One Fine Day is a chick flick and Michelle Pfeiffer is down to her bra.

    Some pokies in the horror flick Watchers by an actress who just goes by the name Lala in the credits but her full name is Lala Sloatman.

    "Compromising Positions"
    The nudity in Compromising Positions comes from some Polaroids of Deborah Rush. Glamour by Susan Sarandon and Judith Ivey.

    "Sherlock - Case of Evil"
    Some very sexy caps of Cristina Teodorescu in Sherlock - Case of Evil. The film was shot in Romania and Cristina is a Romanian playmate. Do a Google search on her name and you'll find some pictures of her very naked.

    • Cristina Teodorescu (1, 2)

    The nudity in Bachelorman, the story of a testosterone-filled bachelor, comes from Helen Woo and Bridget Ellen. The rest of the ladies show pokies or are down to their underwear: Missi Pyle, Kira Reed, Deena Dill, Melissa Jones, Laurie Shiers, Jackie Debatin and some unknown.

    Waterland is reminiscing about coming of age during Holland during World War II. Lena Headey is topless and there's pokies by Camilla Hebditch.

    "Eddie and the Cruisers II - Eddie Lives!"
    Hated the movie but didn't mind the music in Eddie and the Cruisers II - Eddie Lives! No nudity, just glamour by Marina Orsini.

    • Marina Orsini (1, 2, 3)

    Marla Sokoloff
    (1, 2)

    DeadLamb catches the "Dude, Where's My Car?" co-star making a busty guest appearance on Sunday night's episode of "Desparate Housewives". Link #2 features the next cover of "Holding Your Own Boobs" magazine.

    Anne Parillaud The French actress looking great in this topless scene from the 1998 direct-to-vid movie "Shattered Image", starring one of the lesser Baldwins.

    Heather Peace
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15)

    Bomscan 'caps of Heather Peace baring breasts and bum in scenes from the UK TV series "Ultimate Force".

    Fiona Gubelmann
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

    Señor Skin 'caps of the cute blonde playing a topless dancer in scenes from the indie flick "Employee of the Month" (2004), starring Matt Dillon, Christina Applegate and Steve Zahn.

    Pat Reeder www.comedy-wire.com
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    The Ass Is Always Greener - Hollywood golden couple Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt stunned fans by announcing their separation. Their statement read, "We happily remain committed and caring friends with great love and admiration for one another." Tabloids are speculating that the cause is Brad's desire to start a family while Jennifer wants to pursue her career. One claimed Brad pointed out that his recent co-star, Angelina Jolie, is six years younger than Jennifer and handles both her career and adopted son just fine. But another claimed the last straw came when Jen picked up the phone and caught Brad and Jolie having phone sex.

  • When you look like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, phone sex seems like such a waste.
  • Jennifer also noticed the teeth marks and the little vials of blood...
  • No, it was actually because Brad reminded Jen that Jolie is six years younger than her.
  • If Brad wants to start a family, phone sex won't do the job.
  • Angelina claims she loves Brad like a brother...and that's the problem.
  • Just as well: their child would be so attractive, the world would stop revolving around the sun and start revolving around it.

    And You Thought Florida's Vote Was Hinky! - The People's Choice Awards are usually a predictable popularity contest, but there was a surprise Sunday when "Fahrenheit 9/11" was named America's favorite movie over "The Incredibles," "Shrek 2" and "Spider-Man 2," all of which grossed two-to-three times as much. Insiders say the award producers were upset: they just switched from a Gallup Poll to an online vote, and Moore partisans are suspected of using software developed to skew online political polls so that one person could cast hundreds or thousands of votes.

  • Just think: one day, we'll all be able to vote for president online.
  • Spider-Man is demanding a recount.

    It's Brad Pitt's Trick - Val Kilmer admitted he repeatedly messed up his lines on purpose during his sex scene with Angelina Jolie in "Alexander" so he could do it over and over. He told Sky News, "My role consisted mostly of sharing a bed with Angelina Jolie and throwing her around in it, which is about as much fun as it is possible for a man to have...I spent four months doing that all day, and someone paid me millions of dollars for the pleasure."

  • Well, at least someone got hours of pleasure from that movie.
  • His sex scene with Colin Farrell, he nailed in one take.
  • Thank God for Oliver Stone, the only director who'll spend four months on one scene.