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"Third World Cop" (1999)

Third World Cop is dismissed by critics as another Dirty Harry tough cop film. The few who have commented in IMDB think better of it. Fully 10% of the Jamaican population paid to see this film in the theaters, making this Jamaican made film the highest grossing film ever in Jamaica. Tough cop Paul Campbell (Capone) is assigned to the Kingston ghetto where he was raised to bust a gun smuggling operation. As he was one of the few to escape the ghetto, it is old home week when he first arrives, but he soon discovers that his boyhood friends Razor and Ratty are part of the mob. Add a crooked cop to the mix, and the story has enough complexity to satisfy anyone.

This was shot on a budget of .5 million in 20 days, and was shot directly on digital video. I find this one worth seeing more than once. The relationship between Capone and Ratty is complex, there is plenty of action, some of the locations are absolutely gorgeous, and the Jamaican patois is fascinating to listen to. I have to admit that I needed to rely on the English subtitles more than once to understand what they were saying. All of the exposure takes place during the credit sequence, but I have done a few images of each of the women in the film to give an idea of just how lush the film looks.

  • Thumbnails

  • Amelia Sewell (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
  • Audrey Reid (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
  • Natasha Budhai
  • Tesa Linton (1, 2)
  • Winsome Wilson (1, 2)

    "Beach Party" (1963)

    Every once and a while, I do something totally out of left field. This is one of those times. Annette Funicello was introduced at age 13 on the Mickey Mouse Club as one of the original Mouseketeers, and was an instant success. One of the biggest reasons was that she already had breasts. Her first non-Disney film was Beach Party, which co-starred singing sensation and female heart-throb Frankie Avalon (his Venus was the biggest seller of all time for several years). It is Hollywood's idea of the Southern California beach scene, and was considered pretty racy in 1963. Remember, Playboy was still airbrushing out public hair, and there was nearly no nudity at all in US cinema.

    An Anthropologist -- Bob Cummings -- has taken a shack at the beach to study the surf culture. Annette and Frankie arrive for what Frankie expects to be a whole summer alone with Annette. Annette has invited all of their friends to stay with them behind his back. She still plans on being a virgin on her wedding night. Frankie takes up with a bar maid, Eva Six, to make her jealous, and she starts a relationship with Bob Cummings. The film is full of slapstick and cheesy lines, and set the tone for future beach movies. Vincent Price even had a cameo appearance to plug his newest film. Eva Six had a three film career in 1963, and no other credits at IMDB. There must be some kind of story here.

    Of course there is no exposure, but Annette was probably responsible for more adolescent male masturbatory orgasms than any modern actress. This was the first of 4 or 5 Beach films. The DVD transfer was very good. I would have liked more special features.

  • Thumbnails

  • Annette Funicello (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)
  • Eva Six (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
  • Assorted (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
  • Johnny Web
    "Greaser's Palace" (1972)

    Sometimes I start a review by drawing your attention to the fact that it's an odd movie, and you won't like it if you're a mainstream filmgoer. Wellsir, this ain't just an odd movie. This is arguably the oddest movie ever made. It makes that thing with Mastroiani as General Custer seem like a Doris Day movie.

    It centers around Jesus returning to the earth in the old west, into the most run-down, shabbiest town in any dried up gulch. (Well, I suppose Bethlehem was no Paris either.) He's on his way to Jerusalem to be an actor/singer/dancer, and he's a whiz at performing 1940's boogie-woogie ("He's got the boogie in his fingers and the hubba-hubba in his soul"), although he's about 80 years ahead of his time and it isn't much appreciated by the locals.

    Jesus, aka "Jessy", (Allan Arbus - the psychiatrist Sydney from M.A.S.H., and husband of the strange photographer Diane Arbus) is wearing a black and white striped 1940's zoot suit and a big pink hat, and looks pretty much like Jim Carrey after he puts The Mask on. God the Father is a crusty lookin' old cowboy greybeard, and The Holy Ghost wears a cowboy outfit except for the bed sheet over his head with two eyeholes cut out, and he's upset because The Father never gives him a chance to do anything important..

    Seaweedhead Greaser is the guy who runs the town, and he has constipation problems. It appears to me that he can't move to action unless properly spurred by Mariachi music, so his quartet follows him around in case he needs them. Like all movie strongmen, he has a wimp of a son, and he kills the kid, Lamy Homo Greaser, in the first scene, but Jesus later brings him back to life, and .....

    Let's see. Tattoo from Fantasy Island plays a homosexual cowpoke who makes a move on Christ. And there's a 90 year old man playing "Petunia" in pink gingham, and .....

    ... and there's really no way to describe this mess without going through every discontinuous scene. It was directed by the supremely odd Robert Downey Senior, and will give you some good indications of the fact that Downey Junior's drug problem may be an inherited thing.

    The only nudity came from Toni Basil, as an Indian maiden. (1, 2)

    Here's a good (funny) review if you want to know more.

    Another detailed review.

    IMDB summary: 6.7 out of 10. Surprisingly high. The rating doesn't mean much. You will either love it or think it's the stupidest thing you've ever seen. Or both.

    DVD info from Amazon

    "The Bedroom Window" (1987)

    There's good news and bad news.

    The bad news: it's a movie with Steve Guttenberg

    The good news: it's one of the the best movies with Steve Guttenberg. Oh sure it still sucks, but how hard is to to improve on Police Academy 4 and Can't Stop the Music.

    Just for the record, here's the best and worst of Steve, as determined by IMDb ratings.


  • Diner
  • Cocoon
  • The Day After (a TV movie)
  • The Boys from Brazil
  • Home for the Holidays
  • The Bedroom Window


  • Police Academy 4
  • Police Academy 3
  • Can't Stop the Music
  • Police Academy 2
  • Airborne

    Pretty sad when you invest 25 years in the business, and Boys from Brazil is on your highlight reel. (And, worse yet, Guttenberg was not a significant player in that movie.) Actually, Amazon Women on the Moon should probably be number three.

    As you can see, Diner and Cocoon (and maybe Amazon Women) are the only two good movies Guttenberg has ever been in.

    The Bedroom Window is meant to be in the style of Hitchcock and DePalma. Guttenberg's lover, who is also his boss' wife, witnesses a minor crime from Guttenberg's window, and she can't admit she was there, so civic-minded Guttenberg tells the police the story as if he had actually seen it. But he keeps getting caught deeper and deeper in his lies until he himself becomes a suspect in far more significant crimes.

    It isn't really very good Hitchcock, but I stayed awake through it, and never touched the fast forward. And if I can say that about a Steve Guttenberg movie, it can't be all that bad. How long could you stay with Can't Stop the Music without reaching for the remote?

    In fact, the first half, until Huppert is killed by the real killer (and Guttenberg therefore loses the only person who can prove he didn't do it), is quite suspenseful in spite of the poor acting. But the second half, in which Guttenberg sets a trap for the real killer, is like a completely different movie, and doesn't have any of the tense feel of the opening act. Plus, how dumb do you have to be to be trapped by Steve Guttenberg? Perhaps the criminal was Anna Nicole Smith.

    The director of this movie is Curtis Hanson, the talented guy who did L.A. Confidential, but The Bedroom Window is not the work of a mature and confident filmmaker. Hanson really developed a lot in the intervening ten years. (His only work since Confidential is the eccentric Wonder Boys, a movie universally loved by the critics and universally ignored by moviegoers this spring.)

    By the way, it is completely obvious that Isabelle Huppert and Guttenberg couldn't stand each other, and they must rank among the three worst pairs of screen lovers I can name (Alan King and Ali McGraw in "Just Tell Me What You Want", Travolta and Tomlin in "Moment by Moment"). They are supposed to be overwhelmingly hot for each other - well, that's what the words say, but they just had no chemistry, and certainly no passion. They couldn't even look at each other.

    Incidentally, I went through two different copies of this DVD, and they were both identically out of synch in various scenes. I suggest you NOT order it, no matter how much you love Steve Guttenberg, since this seems to be a problem in the mastering process. In addition, the image quality was not that impressive.

  • Huppert

    Huppert-lover bonus. Three of Huppert in Loulou, and one from Violette Noziere. The one from Violette includes the famous ginger colored pubes. (1, 2, 3, 4)

    IMDB summary: 6.5 out of 10.

    DVD info from Amazon

  • Brainscan
    Sofia Vergara
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
    Comments by Brainscan:
    Okay, doc, I admit it: this Sofia Vergara thing has become an obsession. But let me explain: I hadn't spoke a word of Spanish since I was fifteen and then three years ago I had to travel to Madrid. So what I did, doc, was this: I tuned into the Spanish-language channel and watched the commercials and the talk shows, 'cuz that was what people told me to do. Imagine the consequences if folks of other tongues did likewise in the US: all those Jerry Springer watchers would think that "whore" and "bitch" were polite terms of endearment shared between mother and daughter. And they would think... all of them... that we hold the term "mother" so dear that it is normally followed by a two-syllable beep. But I digress. Like I said, I tuned in the talk shows, especially one called Fuera de Serie, which you gringos would translate as Out of This World. And there she was, doc, Sofia Vergara. Out of this world, indeed. Learned she came from Colombia. From Columbia. What's that, a couple hundred miles from Brazil...max. So here I have been collecting every damn image of Sofia I could find.. and she does pose in clothes or the lack thereof more than your average Josephine, but never the full monty... and think of it: a couple hundred miles and she would have lived in Brazil. What's the big deal, you ask? Every woman in Brazil gets naked...starkers... in front of anyone with a camera. So if Sofia's mom and dad had just trucked across the border and learned Portuguese, well then this obsession would have faded long ago. You can blame them. I certainly do.
    Britney Spears

    Lisa Rogers
    (1, 2, 3)

    Comments by Brainscan:
    So I waited and watched but after all I heard about the MTV award show I saw nothing posted. For crimony sake, isn't a semi-nude Toni Braxton and the typical Britney outfit enough to get the usual suspects a-cappin? Even though it feels as though I have started down the dark side I glued together a couple of images from a newswire site of... sad to say... Britney Spears. That makes me the last scanner on the planet to do, as it were, the Britster. Local newspaper had it right that she need not sing, "I'm not that innocent" 'cuz honey child, we can see for ourselves. After the BS comes Lisa Rogers, British telly babe who appears this month in Later magazine. You know life is good when even the Pommies start loosening up.
    Elizabeth Berkley

    Danielle Douglas
    (1, 2, 3, 4)

    Comments by Brainscan:
    1) I knew as soon as I pissed and moaned there would MTV pseudo-award caps in the Funhouse. Makes my pathetic contribution seem... well, pathetic.

    Jr. here...SILENCE! These are some of the clearest images I've seen from the VMAs. Nice Work!

    2) Tell ICMS he is my hero. Through the haze of plaques and tangles I do recall the story of Brigitta Calens' run-in with the law that he wrote a while back. And any assurance that the BC cover is, indeed, the beauty queen herself is most welcome. The other scans were none too shabby, as well.

    3) News from a Liz Smith-type who writes on one-line gossip column is that Christina Ricci has some sort of nude scene in her next movie. No clue as to how exposed and for how long, but I think we can assume it won't be Elizabeth Berkley-esque.

    Yes, Mr Showbiz reported that Ricci's first nude scene will be in her upcoming movie "Prozac Nation"

    4) Speaking of Ms. Berkley, attached is a reformatted collage of Tuna's caps from Any Given Sunday. Gawd, how I hated that movie. This person screams at that who screams back until the scene just sorta peters out from exhaustion. Bad guys become good guys when they magically see the light, as if Dickens hadn't worked that puppy to death more than a hundred years ago. Only the cameos (Johnny U as an opposing coach? Brilliant!) kept me from hitting not only Eject but also Erase. Lawdog did a poll of Oliver Stone's best movie a while back. No matter how long the list, None of the Above would be my choice.

    5) Fitness models. That's a term requiring definition. Gotta appear in one of the several hundred mags with "Muscle" in its title, gotta pose with your buns showing at least once a day and gotta have a body by Fischer.... Dr. Fischer the plastic surgeon, that is. Plastic here refers to the inserts rather than the medical practice. In that context, I give you Danielle Douglas. Better looking than your average fitness babe (some are downright homely) but otherwise fits the definition to a T.

    Plastic is right! Her lips, her boobs, probably her cheeks and chin, and I'll even wager that's not the snout she was born with!

    Laetitia Casta Awesome scans of today's hottest models.
    Christy Turlington
    Cindy Crawford
    Claudia Schiffer
    Elle Macpherson This pic of Elle features some extreme pokies, and has the most exposure of the batch.
    Emma Sjoberg
    Heidi Klum A very sexy scan of Heidi. It could be my imagination (or maybe just wishful thinking) but I think there is an exposed nipple hiding just behind her hair.
    Famke Janssen All dressed up in her best leather. The collar and whip really make the outfit though.
    Kate Moss
    Laetitia Casta A great head shot.
    Naomi Campbell
    Rebecca Romijn
    Tyra Banks
    Missy Rayder
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
    Comments by Chumba: Not often I do an entire pictorial from a magazine but this is certainly the exception :-) Don't know much about this lovely lady but she is very definitely one of my favourites now!

    A great find! I recommend #7 and #8.

    Monique Gabrielle
    (1, 2)
    A fantastic find by UC99. Here are scenes from one of Monique's early movies, 1983's "Black Venus". Filmed just about the same time as her Penthouse layout so naturally, she looks amazing every topless, bottomless and frontal frame!
    Josephine Jacqueline Jones
    (1, 2, 3)
    The former Miss Bahamas, and the star of "Black Venus". Once again, not leaving much to the imagination.
    Florence Guerin
    (1, 2)
    More scenes from "Black Venus".
    and ...
    Naomi Campbell
    (1, 2, 3, 4)
    Ms. Campbell fully nude from an appearance in American Photo.

    Click Here!