Tuna, our main contributor and the most energetic video capper ever known to man (as all of you well know) is currently indisposed. He is in intensive care in a hospital in the San Francisco Bay area. It doesn't make sense to send him any well-wishes at this point, since he is not checking his e-mail, and it would not make sense to call him, since ICU is not the place to do that.

He is in good spirits, and said he that he hopes to back on the job by next week! (Because the 70-75,000 collages he has already made just aren't enough!)

We'll continue to keep everyone posted and let you all know when he's ready to get e-mail and/or calls.

Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

Fire on the Amazon (1993 or something)

(The 1993 date is arbitrary. It was filmed in 1990 or 1991.)

Fire on the Amazon is a cheapozoid Roger Corman flick about the disappearing rainforest. The film is only 75 minutes long, and about half of it is a complete digression from the main story!

A famous indigenous environmentalist is killed. Although it is obvious that the money interests wanted him out of the way, the murder is performed with an arrow to feign an Indian attack, and the local police somehow arrest a taciturn Indian who "hangs himself" in his cell after signing a full confession. When his fellow tribesmen come for his body, a local North American environmentalist (Sandra Bullock) and a magazine reporter from the States (Craig Sheffer) try to talk to them, but they are unresponsive. On the spur of the moment, the Americans follow the Indians up the river to their reservation.

Pause. Let's think about that. Sheffer and Bullock see the Indians paddling upstream, so they just decide to commandeer a canoe and follow. They don't know the terrain, they don't know how far they will be traveling, they have no supplies - not even insect repellant, and they're in a stolen canoe paddling through the unfamiliar jungle, surrounded by crocs, snakes, the greedy bad guys, stone age tribesmen, and probably O.J. looking for the real killer. Not to mention the owner of the canoe.

Check. That all makes sense so far.

And that was the sensible part of the movie!

Soon thereafter, the reporter is shot by an unknown assailant and the canoe overturns, so the two adventurers just decide to saunter through the Amazon rainforest in a random direction, even though night is approaching, they are soaking wet, and one of them has a gunshot wound. Well, as luck would have it, they are captured by indigenous people. The sojourn in the native village is the thirty minute digression I spoke of earlier. During this time, the confusing plot simply grinds to a halt so that the Americans can exchange cultural enlightenment with the villagers and bodily fluids with one another. Fortunately for the helpless Americans, their kidnappers are not real natives but movie natives, and therefore live in harmony with the nature spirits and possess the wisdom of their ancestors, including secret herbs that cure the wound, and more secret herbs that make Sandra Bullock want to make nice-nice for hours with the reporter (whom she had previously detested). These native guys have enough secret herbs and spices to open up their own fast food chain. Furthermore, they have more advanced forensic medicine than Quincy and CSI put together. They perform an autopsy on the guy who "hanged himself," and are able to conclude that he was dead before the hanging, killed by Colonel Mustard, in the conservatory, with a lead pipe.

The search is then on for Colonel Mustard, but the lovebirds are still under the spell of those secret herbs and spices, so they are constantly sneaking a quick feel on the dirt roads, and playing kissy-face in sleazy taverns filled with environmental terrorists and competitors in the Anthony Quinn look-alike contest. All of this romance is pursued with the same nonchalance you'd have with your best girly on the streets of London.

So what happens in the story?

Oh, yeah.

This must take the award for the most abrupt deus ex machina ending ever. After their investigation pisses off everyone in South America, Bullock and Sheffer are pursued by about a zillion heavily armed bad guys, including all possible corrupt local authorities with Pancho Villa moustaches. The two lovebirds are finally trapped on a dock, lacking a boat, and facing a horde of approaching baddies. Their predicament includes machine guns in their faces, water at their backs, and no place left to run  - with only a minute left in the film's running time ...

How can Pauline escape this Peril?

The reporter's buddy, a guy we saw for only a minute in the opening scene, suddenly arrives from the sky in a seaplane to rescue our lovebirds at the last second!

Unfortunately, Bullock had been severely wounded during their escape and dies from her wounds, but not before making a tearful deathbed environmental speech on the plane, after which some informative word slides tell us how much of the rainforest is lost each year.

OK, the concept was poor, I'll give you that, but it was genius compared to the execution. The production values are abysmal. The photographic quality is about equal to your dad's home movies, and the sound track is both inappropriate and cheesy. In other words, director Luis Llosa defied the odds by taking a bad script and making it worse!

His career was not over however. Before returning to Peru to produce TV programs, Llosa would go on to make two more Hollywood classics: Anaconda and The Specialist.

IMDb ratings:

It's amazing that Llosa could have made an incoherent film like Fire on the Amazon, then almost immediately get bankrolled to make a $45 million film with Sharon Stone, James Woods, and Stallone. The results were predictable. As we noted in our review, The Specialist may be the career nadir for everyone involved with it except, of course, for Llosa, since it would be almost impossible to sink lower than Fire on the Amazon. The Specialist scored a cellar-dwelling 5% at Rotten Tomatoes but, because Stallone and Stone were big stars at the time, it did nearly $60 million at the domestic box office, and more than $100 million worldwide.

Do you think anyone in Peru believes Llosa when he takes a deep sip of Inca Cola and tells available listeners that he once directed a hundred million dollar movie starring Sharon Stone? They must think he is kidding.

And, in a very real way, he is.

  • Sandra Bullock Collages (1, 2, 3, 4)
  • The collages don't seem impressive, but this really is a fairly sexy scene. Here's all 84 seconds in a film clip. (Zipped .wmv. About 11 meg)


Other Crap:


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Here are the latest movie reviews available at


  • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
  • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
  • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
  • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

'Caps and comments by Hankster:

Today we have some "Babes in "Bondage" along with a little "Hankster Light".

First up, we have Megan Lee Ethridge topless, strapped down and being given a shock treatment in scenes from "Alien Abduction". The last cap is just to show you how cute she is. She is not a bad actress at all, very convincing performance.

  • Megan Lee Ethridge (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

Next, we take the old Time Machine back to 1983 for a look at "The Lost Empire". The Skin-Man did this one a few days ago and I said to myself I have an old tape of that one so let's try my luck at it.

Here's what I came up with:
First, Angelique Pettyjohn having a hard time keeping her nipples in her top. Then it's Raven De La Croix showing off her mega-boobs. Next, Melanie Vincz. She's top billed, but doesn't get naked. However, she is in chains, so she qualifies as a "Babe in Bondage" :-) Finally, we have the ultra-busty Karen Ribbins playing a topless "Damsel in Peril".

Crimson Ghost
NOTE: We currently have to do all of our movie files in zip format. Instead of viewing them online, save the zip files to your hard drive in the directory of your choice, un-zip and play from there.

A quickie from the Ghost are a couple of vids of Michelle Johnson bouncing around nekkid in several scenes from the 1984 Michael Caine movie, "Blame It on Rio".

She's topless in all of these, plus she goes full frontal very briefly in #3. Clip #1 also features a little bonus toplessness from a pre-implant Demi Moore.

  • Michelle Johnson (zipped .wmvs) (1, 2, 3, 4)

Scarlett Johansson Johansson only shows part of her breast here, but her part is still a heck-of-a lot skin! Here she is in "A Love Song for Bobby Long".

Anna Mateeva
(1, 2)
Paz Vega
(1, 2)

From the Spanish comedy "Di que sí" (2004)....Paz Vega keeps her clothes on, but still looks wonderful in a bikini. Mateeva shows off a pair of mega-lo budget implants.

Jane Krakowski

Marisa Tomei

Nia Long

Susan Sarandon

Sienna Miller
(1, 2, 3)

The ladies of "Alfie"....Here's the breakdown:
  • Former "Ally McBeal" co-star Jane Krakowski shows a brief nipple peek as she gets it on in the back seat.
  • Tomei stays clothed as usual, but we do get a quick look at her thong.
  • Nia Long ("Big Momma's House", "Boyz n the Hood") shows most of a breast in during a love scene.
  • Sarandon's cleavage looks as inviting as ever.
  • Sienna Miller goes topless.

  • Jennifer Tilly
    (1, 2, 3, 4)
    Stephanie Chambers
    (1, 2, 3)

    Tilly shows off her usual truckload of cleavage, while Chambers plays the official topless shower scene murder victim in the latest Chucky movie, "Seed of Chucky" (2004). As Scoop pointed out in his review, this installment completely gives up trying to be a slasher flick. Instead it's a spoof of the genre as well as self-referencing and self-deprecating. Tilly is great as she makes fun of herself in the same way Shatner did in "Free Enterprise". I enjoyed it.

    Paula Trickey
    (1, 2, 3, 4)

    Playing a topless dancer in scenes from the direct-to-vid flick "Maniac Cop 2" (1990).

    Keira Knightley
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)

    Scoop covered "The Jacket" pretty thoroughly a few days ago (click her for his review), now it's Señor-Skin's turn. Here is Keira briefly baring her lil'uns in a couple of unfortunately dark scenes. Links 9-12 feature nudity found in the deleted scenes.

    Pat Reeder
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    Naked, She'd Be Invisible - Bad news for Lindsay Lohan's male fans: she told Access Hollywood, "You will never see me in a nude scene. Then there's no mystery for my private life." She said, "Personally, I think there are other things you can do to show people you have talent."

  • For example, do what Renee Zellweger did: gain weight.
  • Lindsay's lost so much weight, there's nothing left to see anyway.

    Worse Than Social Security - Edmond Knowles of Flomaton, Alabama, saved pennies for 38 years until he had over 1.3 million. This week, he took them to a bank and used a Coinstar machine to cash them in for $13,084.59, a new Coinstar record. He'd been keeping the pennies in his garage in four 55-gallon and three 20-gallon oil barrels that weighed 4.5 tons. He said he started saving them because he appreciated the value of a penny and thought "they're worth something or they wouldn't keep making them."

  • And this week, he found out how wrong he was.
  • Cost of the gas used to haul them to the bank: $14,000.
  • He burned out the motor on the Coinstar machine, and they billed him $20,000.
  • Cost of his hernia operation: $25,000.

    Laughing All The Way To The Bank - Susanne Maier of Berlin, Germany, has opened the world's first laughter school. She said Germans have become so serious, they need to be taught to lighten up, so she has pupils stand around in groups, slapping their foreheads and practicing different kinds of laughter. She said the most important one to learn is "the believable laugh." She hopes to open schools nationwide and make Berlin the "laughter capital of Europe."

  • Frankly, I get nervous when Germans start laughing for no apparent reason.
  • The believable laugh is tough, but once you can fake sincerity, you graduate.
  • For the final exam, you have to laugh through an Ingmar Bergman film.

    Don't Try This - In Lexington, Kentucky, WLTO-FM radio host DJ Slick said listeners could "win 100 Grand" if they listened to WLTO all through the "American Idol" finale then were the 10th caller. Pregnant mom Norreasha Gill won, the station ran promos of her screaming about what she'd do with the money, and she promised her three kids they'd have a minivan, shopping spree, savings account and a house with a back yard. But then, she got her prize: a Nestle's "100 Grand" candy bar. She wasn't amused and filed a lawsuit. The DJ is off the air, and WLTO offered her $5,000, which she rejected.

  • She responded to that offer with Snickers.
  • She's hoping the jury will award her a big Payday.
  • She may win $100,000, but after taxes and legal fees, she won't have enough money left to buy a candy bar.
  • She's a pregnant woman: you'd think she'd take the candy bar.
  • Even worse, she won their "Take Home Eminem" contest, and it wasn't an M&M candy, it was actually Eminem.

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