Driven to Kill


Steven Seagal is back, and this time the Weighty Warrior is playing a former member of the Russian mob, complete with a Russian accent that ranges from "OK" in some scenes to "not so hot" in others, and all the way to "not even trying"  in some scenes where he just speaks in his usual whispery Steven Seagal voice with no accent at all. He also speaks several sentences in Russian, with the same mixed results. He learned this creative inconsistency in one of the intensive acting classes he took at the prestigious Kevin Costner as Robin Hood School of Fake Movie Accents.

It seems that the Stout Sensei has been out of the Russian mob for decades, and is now a peaceful beach rat who makes a living as a novelist. Unfortunately, he has to return to his home turf for his daughter's wedding, and his reappearance in the old 'hood triggers all sorts of alarm bells among his former associates. The action escalates to mayhem when the daughter's pre-nuptial preparations are interrupted by a violent assault that leaves the bride and her mother dead. Seagal, while hiding some hole cards of his own, vows vengeance by systematically erasing the entire Russian mob from the face of the earth, even if doing so will require him to exterminate every last Russian, or even every last human being, on the planet. Because sometimes you DO have to throw out the baby with the bathwater. If you're a REAL man.

The basic premise of the film is a fine fit for the Seagal formula, the cinematography is actually quite good, and the storyline looks pretty good on paper, but the execution of the film is ham-fisted. The fundamental problem is that the action scenes are clumsy. Seagal has started to gain weight again after keeping his bulk under control for a few years, and he now looks bigger than ever. So he's a 58-year-old fat man, and that's really not the ideal job description for a martial arts hero. His hand-to-hand scenes are mostly shot in close-up from the chest up, and are typically shot into Seagal's face rather than from the side, as if looking over the shoulder of the baddies. As a result, the audience can usually see only Seagal's chest, head, and hands, as well as the opponents' hands. This technique disguises Seagal's age and bulk. If you are willing to accept the use of that obvious crutch, Seagal doesn't look bad in the scenes. It may be a trick caused by creative editing and speed-ups, but the Plump Paladin still seems to have fast and dextrous hands. Of course he must get a lot of chances to keep his hands nimble, judging from the number of Snickers Bars he must have to unwrap every day to get that big.

Even with all the camera tricks, the number of hand combat scenes is relatively small. Most of the fighting consists of scenes of where the Bulky Brawler blasts baddies with various firearms, presumably because gunfights represent the only kind of battle scenes in which an ancient fat man in a long overcoat can still create the illusion of being as bad-ass as the character is supposed to be.

Of course, if the fight scenes were good, we would forgive some flaws elsewhere, but lacking the strong combat scenes, we are left taking a chance that we can appreciate a Steven Seagal film for the intricately developed plot, the masterful performances, and the subtle characterizations. I'll leave it to you to guess whether that's a good bet.

There is usually some nudity in Seagal's movies, and this is no exception. There is a lengthy strip club scene which features a few anonymous strippers and one particular girl giving our chubby combatant a private dance. Holly Eglinton is listed in the credits for this film and I didn't see her anywhere else, so this may be her. It is certainly the kind of role she normally plays, and it looks like her body, but to me it just didn't look like her face. I will leave it up to Spaz to use his ultra-Canadian powers to render that decision. Whoever the dancer is, she is almost certain to be a Canadian, because the entire film was lensed in British Columbia.


For comparison, here is Eglinton in Numb:



The Band from Hell


A heavy metal band is also a werewolf pack. (LICKanthropes?) They are billed as Neowolf, so you'd think people would catch on to their wolven ways, particularly since reports of werewolf attacks follow their tour bus, and their contract rider specifically requires their dressing room to be stocked with freshly slaughtered meat and Milk-Bone biscuits. Nobody gives any of that much thought, assuming that the reports are just the usual exaggerated publicity hype to maintain the obligatory faux evil heavy metal mystique, ala Black Sabbath. Finally, the lupine lads arrive in Ourtown, California, just at the time when they need a new lead singer, and it seems that our hero is their top candidate. Meanwhile, his girlfriend is on to the band's little full moon antics, and enlists the aid of an eccentric local woman to battle the musical wolf pack and pull her beloved from their paws.

The 2.8 at IMDb pretty much sums it up. Low rent entertainment in every way. Weak in every possible aspect of filmmaking. Bad effects and make-up. Bad acting. Inauthentic heavy metal music. Bad script. Bad everything. If the eccentric old crone had been played by an anonymous old biddy, the entire film would have been a write-off for me, but I was entertained by the scene in which screen veteran Veronica Cartwright, now 60 years old, wanders around the desert with a shotgun filled with silver shells, blasting away at every werewolf she sees. And I only liked that because it was Veronica Cartright, who I first saw on TV in Leave it to Beaver in the 50s, and who is one of the very few mainstream actresses to do a graphic spread shot in a Hollywood movie (see the Encyclopedia), which she did in 1974's Inserts, a lotta years back. At the time, the film's star Richard Dreyfuss was 27, Bob Hoskins was 32, Ms. Cartwright 25. 

Veronica's nude scene days are probably over, of course, and she kept her clothes on here, but there is some nudity from the younger girls, although it appears to me that two of these three scenes were done by body doubles.

The only one we can be sure of is Stephanie Katz

Heidi Johanningmeier's scene was deliberately shot and edited to avoid a head/body match-up, even though Michael Frascino was seen very naked in the same scene.

That may be Megan Pepin or not. It's her character, but in this scene she is partially transformed into a werewolvette, so it could be anyone under that mask.


  • * Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe).

  • * White asterisk: expanded format.

  • * Blue asterisk: not mine.

  • No asterisk: it probably sucks.


Catch the deluxe version of Other Crap in real time, with all the bells and whistles, here.








8 Mile


Kim Basinger film clip. Blu-Ray quality. Sample below.







Wham! Bam! Thank You, Spaceman!


Part 1

Today the Time Machine returns to the seventies for a fun flick with tons of nudity. First up we have a "Babe in Bondage" Gayna Shireen, who shows it all as an abducted and raped damsel. Strangely toward the end of the scene she is no longer tied up. Watch out for the "tool time" action. Caps and a clip.

Then we have Dyanne Thorne of "Ilsa" fame. Dyanne shows only the boobs getting it on with a Spaceman. Caps and a clip.

Part two tomorrow.











Notes and collages

Powder Blue

Jessica Biel








Derriere moi


I thought the title translates to "my butt" but it's "behind me." Anyways it was released to DVD last week and is a solid B effort for a low budget artsie movie. You may remember Carina Caputo as the lesbian cheerleader from an episode of the Quebec C.A. tv series.

Carina Caputo: topless

Charlotte Legault: sexy


The Dead Sleep Easy


A lucha libre/mexican wrestling b-movie starring wrestler Vampiro from the makers of the Harry Knuckles movies.

Ana Sidel: sexy

Talia Russo: sexy

strippers: some topless




(2008 video)

Snowboarding hoser video starring Tom Green.

Amber Leiterman: topless

unknowns: topless



Revenge of the Boarding School Dropouts

(2009 video, aka Shred II)

Shred sequel although it looks like with heavily padded editing they managed to get two movies from the same set of footage (almost identical cast and crew lists).

Lindsay Maxwell: showing off her tater tots.

Amber Borycki: very sexy in bikini

unknowns II: topless




"Les Lavigueur, la vraie histoire"

(2008 TV series)

A reason to get the DVD box set is it comes with English subtitles and Laurence Leboeuf (Being Erica) is topless.



(2009 video)

Pilot for the "Battlestar Galactica" prequel series, although the topless club scene will have to be removed before the series starts sometime next year.

Michelle Andrew: redhead from "Good Luck Chuck: topless again

Vicky Lambert: pokies in skimpy bodysuit

unknowns: nude at party


Murder Unveiled

(2005 TV movie)

Newcomer Anita Majumdar show partial boob








Uma Thurman with some subtle nudity in Be Cool


Film Clips

Sean Young in a scene deleted from Blade Runner (sample right)

Kader Garbuz in Jes (sample right)

Sasha Grey in The Girlfriend Exoperience (This is a repeat, but this time with a sample right)