Passion Crimes (video 2001) is, according to IMDB, a 74 minute crime/thriller. The title and running time alone should be enough to tell most people that it is en erotic thriller, not to mention cast members like:

• Susan Featherly - full frontal
• Andromina: The Pleasure Planet
• Carnal Desire
• Virtual Voyeur

• Lauren Montgomery - Breasts and Buns
• Blowjob Adventures of Dr. Fellatio 10
• Deep Throat the Quest 5: Slick Willy Rides Again
• The Ultimate Glamour Blowjob

• Venus - Breasts and buns NOTE: her breasts enhancements were obviously implanted with an incision around the areola.
• Nasty Girls 23
• Black Cravings 7
• Deviant Obsession

• April Flowers - Breasts and buns
• Oral Adventures of Craven Morehead 13
• Fast Times at Deep Crack High
• Cumback Pussy 28: Baby's On Fire
• Little White Chicks and Big Black Monster Dicks 6
• Young Dumb & Full of Cum 4
• Blowjob Adventures of Dr. Fellatio 20

Featherly does a three way with the husband and Venus, then suspects that the husband is guilty after all. Guilty of what? Nobody says. Then we find out that Flowers was kidnapped. So, who dunnit? The evil sister, of course. What evil sister, you ask? The one we haven't heard a word about through the entire film, of course. So, the husband is jailed for conspiracy (seems he screwed the sister years before, and had the original kidnap idea), see, we knew he was a perpetrator in search of a crime, the sister is put into a mental hospital, and Featherly, her boss/boyfriend, and Montgomery have a threesome.

You might well ask, with so thin a plot, how did they fill up 74 minutes? By expanding the sex scenes, of course. So this is good news, right? No, they expanded the sex scenes by running them all in slow motion. Let me repeat that, so it sinks in, all of the sex scenes, which comprise the bulk of the running time, are in slow motion, with a bad music sound track, and no dialogue. The last part, no dialogue, is a blessing, however. Probably the best flub is when Featherly refers to the wife, Raquel, as Rachel. I also like the part where the father of the kidnapped girl has admitted to wiring ransom money to the Bahamas. The cop then asks, "When is the next drop?" All of the dialogue seemed like it was improvised.

The maid, after the three way, confides that she heard the husband talking on the phone about killing his wife. She claimed she kept quiet because she was afraid, and was nearly a citizen. Of course, she is lily white, with no accent, and has had an ongoing sexual relationship with the husband. When Featherly suggests that she stay with friends, she says she has plenty of family she can stay with.

Technically, the film is also a disaster. The film is entirely full of video noise, and there is no focus puller listed in the credits, which might explain all of the focus problems. IMDB readers have this a 3.0, with four of the 21 voters giving it a perfect 10, and six awarding 1, the lowest possible score. The only review I found enjoyed it as much as I did. This is one of the easiest scores of the 1,967 films I have reviewed. F.

See no Evil, Hear no Evil (1989)

I don't think this film is much good at all. It's about a blind guy and a deaf guy who have to track down some murderers to prove they didn't do the crime themselves. The comic timing is poor, every joke is telegraphed, and the scenes keep going on and on, repeating the same joke over and over. I guess you know what happened to Richard Pryor, the once unstoppable comedy turbine who was ultimately enfeebled by Multiple Sclerosis and drug ingestion. Pryor was already getting feeble in this film, his hands and voice were sometimes shaky, and had just lost a lot of his brilliant youthful comic energy.

Wilder and Pryor did four films together, and the quality just kept deteriorating. Within two years of this film, Pryor was almost completely capable of participating, and the duo made their only real flop.

1. Silver Streak (1976) 6.6/10 (1650 votes)
2. Stir Crazy (1980) 6.2/10 (1292 votes)
3. See No Evil, Hear No Evil (1989) 5.7/10 (2003 votes)
4. Another You (1991) 4.2/10 (265 votes)

Pryor disappeared completely from the public eye for five years after Another You.

Wilder was still pretty much his old self in this film, but he was nearly 60 years old, so don't expect to see him doing somersaults like Willy Wonka. For a lot of reasons, Wilder is probably ten years older than you think.

Quick, how old is he now?

He's will be 70 in a couple of weeks.

See what I mean?

His five great comic roles occurred between 1968 and 1974, not really that long ago, but he was already in his forties when he played the Waco Kid, even though he seemed almost juvenile, and easily ten years younger than he actually was.

1. Young Frankenstein (1974)
2. Blazing Saddles (1974)
3. Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex (1972)
4. Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (1971)
5. The Producers (1968)

Anyway, See no Evil is filled with "schtick" rather than comedy, and even great character actors like Kevin Spacey and Anthony Zerbe are wasted on a weak script. Spacey should have been better. After all, he may be the best bad guy in history. He's now playing the sentimental types of roles that Robin Williams has abandoned, but in his career he has played three of the ten greatest bad guys in the history of filmed entertainment. He was the insane genius Mel Profitt in Wiseguy, the serial killer John Doe in Se7en, and the mysterious Verbal Kint in The Usual Suspects.

It was sort of a big deal at the time that Spacey and Joan Severance were teamed together in this film. They were just coming off their groundbreaking performances as the evil, incestuous brother and sister crime bosses on "Wiseguy".  Spacey and Severance had exhibited pure electricity between them in Wiseguy, but they really had nothing going in this film at all. They had lame British accents, Spacey wasn't even very creepy, and Severance seemed almost nice. Severance, however, looked about as beautiful as any woman has ever looked. Her face was at its peak, and her body was just plain spectacular. If Severance had kept her clothes on, I wouldn't recommend it at all, but she stripped, and that's reason enough to watch, because she was just magnificent.

Note: you have to watch the full screen version to see all the nudity. Both versions are on the same DVD.

• Joan Severance (1, 2, 3, 4)

Updates:

• Updated volumes: Pamela Anderson, Erika Anderson, Patricia Arquette, Rosanna Arquette, Laura Antonelli, Jennifer Aniston, Ursula Andress, Ellen Barkin, Anoushka

Other crap:

• I placed this link first because some of you might want to start reading faster. World will end some time Thursday. Better skip "other crap" and check out Severance naked while you still can.
• if you missed getting mom a Mother's Day present, nothing says "I love you, mom" better than a CD of Chuck Barris singing old standards. I'm assuming the world hasn't ended by the time you read this.
• Tommy Chong Pleads Guilty to Charges of Selling Marijuana Bong. Is this more or less surprising than yesterday's obvious headline, JFK really got laid a lot. Isn't arresting Tommy Chong for marijuana paraphernalia the same as arresting Charlton Heston for possessing a firearm?
• the new gimmicky deck of cards - chickenhawks - actually not that funny, but I love the picture of the Prez as the joker. The man sure takes a good picture, doesn't she?
• Elle to get a body cast in a storefront window
• there will be a new movie about Hannibal Lecter's childhood
• Maxim gives out some Movie Awards, including all-time best gratuitous nudity
• for those of you who really have no life at all, you may care that Madonna is related to Celine Dion
• the photoshop dudes at fark.com weigh in on "new products from Ronco"
• Cannes kicks of with a reduced American presence this year
• albinos may protest The Matrix
• a summary of all today's top NY Times headlines
• man wears a fool's cap to rob small stores. Those little bells could make it hard for him to slip away quietly.

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Victoria Silvstedt

Swedish Tanning Team

No nudity, but here's what we do see...

Roselyn Sanchez:
See-thru nipple sightings in links 1,2,3,13,14 and 15.
Close up of her bum (in a bikini), links 5 and 6.
Demonstrating her oral technique on a banana...links 7,8 and 9.

Victoria Silvstedt:
When you need a tall blonde to look hot in a bikini, Victoria is your girl. Partial breast exposure and a thong view.

Swedish Tanning Team:
Some far off toplessness.

A pretty decent story of witchcraft and black magic; unfortunately the movie suffers from some really lame acting but the story is still interesting.

The parents of a young girl, who are a witch and a warlock, are murdered when she is 6 years old. The killer takes the girl to raise with his own family.

When the girl turns 18, a warlock comes to help her fulfill her birth right (or rite, if you prefer the hoaky movie title version ). If you can forgive the acting, the story's not bad, and to his credit, the director apparently decided if she couldn't act, she could at least get naked.

GOOD-LOOKING CROOKS GET OFF EASIER
And More Often - A study by a psychology professor at the University of Oslo, Norway, found that good-looking criminals are likely to get off easier. 500 university students were given written summaries of a crime and half got a written description of the criminal. Those who read a description that contained the words "handsome" or "pretty" handed down much lighter punishment. So being good-looking helps your case, even if people only read a description of you and don't see you.