Video clips: Charlize Theron, Part 5 of 3

I'll get back to Kidman tomorrow. In the meantime, here's something I left out of the Theron nudography. I honestly don't know if the ultra-slim woman in this Dior ad (zipped .wmv) is really Theron, but many say that it is.


Masters of Horror: Jenifer (2005)

A police officer comes upon a man about to decapitate a young woman. He tells the man to stand down, but he refuses, and the policeman has to shoot him. Just before dying, the fatally wounded man offers a cryptic warning to the officer, whispering "Jenifer." When the detective tries to comfort the hot-bodied young woman, he finally sees her face, and it is the deformed face of a hideous beast, or an alien.

Despite his initial revulsion, the policeman can't get the woman out of his mind. He even fantasizes about her during sex with his wife that night, causing him to sodomize her brutally. The next day, filled with pity for Jenifer and strangely attracted to her, the  policeman checks her out of her insane asylum and brings her home. Jenifer turns out to be a true beast and eats the family cat. When the police officer will not return Jenifer to her asylum, his wife and their son move out. Despite Jenifer's grotesque face, the cop has sex with her repeatedly. That is repulsive on its own, to him as well as the viewer, but the matter becomes truly horrifying when he finds that Jenifer has killed and eaten the adorable little girl next door. Instead of turning his monster over to the authorities, he drags her out into the wilderness and begins a new life with her in a remote cabin, where her behavior becomes ever more feral until he finally realizes that he must do something about it.

The actor Steven Weber ("Wings") wrote the screenplay, from a story in a Creepy comic. I'm going to spoil the ending without actually telling it to you, by saying that if you've ever read any old horror comics, you will know precisely how the story must end after the first five minutes, in which Jenifer's previous caretaker tries to kill her with a meat cleaver, then tries to warn the police officer (played by Weber himself).

When Weber got the story accepted for the Masters of Horror series, he had no idea that it would eventually be directed by the legendary Dario Argento and scored by Goblin, the group which scored many of Argento's greatest films. Argento locked in on the erotic aspect of the story, and amplified it to the point where the film is actually gorotica rather than straight horror, in that all of the shock comes either from the sex scenes or the explicit flesh-eating. In fact, Argento originally shot two explicit oral sex scenes, complete with penis-in-mouth close-ups. In the first, Jennifer uses her gigantic, deformed mouth to pleasure the policeman. In the second, a teen boy thinks Jenifer is going to give him a blow-job, but it turns out that her concept of eating dick is much more literal than he had hoped. The special effects guy explains in the special features that Dario Argento also had envisioned a genital close-up of Jenifer and asked for a scary alien vagina for this scene. The bizarre pussy was dutifully created, but Dario scrapped the idea before the scene could be filmed.

The DVD is loaded with extras - three hours worth of featurettes and documentaries to illuminate a 57-minute TV show! The film itself includes a full-length commentary by actor/screenwriter Steven Weber, and then there are two hours' worth of featurettes, the best of which is an interview with Dario himself, in which he explains how the film's pre-production was done via email, and offers his commentary over the two deleted scenes. The original version of the teenager scene actually shows Jenifer gnarling chunks out of the lad's penis. There is also a screen-to-script featurette and the usual interviews with the main actors, as well as with the the make-up and special effects people.

This is obviously not for people who are repulsed by the idea of watching Jenifer devour human and animal entrails (or penises!), nor for people who can't accept the idea of Weber having sex with a creature with a hot body and a deformed face, but the DVD is a must-own for people interested in horror comics, gorotica, or Argento. I'm not particularly interested in any of those, but I found the film to be watchable. The screenplay is not expertly crafted, but one rarely gets to see gorotica directed by a big name director. Of course, my tolerance may be explained by the fact that I've had sex with some women even uglier than Jenifer, but then who hasn't, after a few ill-timed pints? More important, the expansive special features on this DVD are absolutely fascinating.

Very high C+ on our scale.

Film clips:


Carrie Fleming


Brenda James




You're on notice!

Today's notes:

  • That mathematical genius guy proved the Poincare Conjecture by imagining pudding in an infinite number of containers in an infinite number of shapes, all capable of becoming spheres. Once again, the proof is in the pudding.
  • Bear dicks are shrinking? Aren't they ornery enough already?
  • New Testament PJs. I'm just not going to give up my Old Testament PJs. Dude, some things are just classics.
  • Walt Disney's staff decided today that Pluto is no longer a dog, because of the new definition requiring cartoon dogs to talk and to be taller than cartoon mice. Goofy is still a dog, but Pluto has been reduced to the status of dwarf dog.


The "Improv Everywhere" group pranks Home Depot

(and largely unremembered)
Mike Judge's IDIOCRACY finally to be released on September 1st - in a whopping 7 cities!!
  • I may check this out. Austin is one of the seven
eBay: Barnett Rhino Recurve Crossbow
. Seller must dispose in order to pay for Kung-Fu lessons. (You have to read the outrageous write-up.)

Automobile steering wheels carry more than twice as many germs as a toilet seat
  • Dave Barry's simple, sanitary solution: steer your car with a toilet seat


The Trailer from The Queen
  • Helen Mirren plays QE2 in this film about the struggle between the queen and Tony Blair about the proper way to handle the Diana funeral

Did Bob Dylan steal (or buy) the song 'Blowin' in the Wind' from a New Jersey high school student?"
  • As ludicrous as this sounds, it was a persistent rumor in the early 60s. Snopes has the entire story.

Colbert discusses Osama's love-tips

Stephen Colbert in defense of Bush's love of fart jokes

Colbert hates National Peach Month because of the undue credit given to Georgia

"Daily Show: Rocky Trailer Picture Show"
  • A Hurricane Katrina victim proves to be the anti-Cindy Sheehan.

Best Asian game show ever

An interesting interview. Jon Stewart talks to an expert in The Decency Wars ... (Part 1, Part 2)


Heather Locklear wears a see-through skirt

Citizens spot cow flying over Madrid

It's a blessed day for science. You no longer have to wang your welly manually.
  • I dunno. I've been wanging the welly manually for five decades now, so I guess I'll keep it up until I go blind.

Paris Hilton caught hacking into Lindsay Lohan's answering service account
  • The pentagon can feel Lindsay's pain. Paris keeps hacking into their mainframe and jacking with it. That little scamp!
6-year-old traumatized to discover male animals have penises!

Still the city of the big shoulders? Some Chicagoans are not pussies! Unfortunately, none of them play for the Cubs.

A new clip from Crank, Jason Statham's latest actioner

Will it be NBC's latest TV show concept? Pimp My Cat

Porn on the Swedish news
  • It's one of those news sets where the newsreader has multiple monitors behind him. Some wag ran a Czech porn film on one of them.

Make your own Jackson Pollock painting in seconds

Your 2006 NFL Drinking and Drugging Season Preview

The 50 worst hairstyles of all time

The 10 Coolest Real Robots

The 10 Greatest Robberies of all time

Austin teacher resigns over nude photos

'Hitler' restaurant to change name
  • "Puneet Sablok said he would remove Hitler's name and the Nazi swastika from billboards and the menu."
  • The old name: Hitler's Cross (represented by a swastika). The new name: Bludgeoned Baby Seals

The top ten stupidest As Seen on TV products


Actor Tom Cruise has a new award to add to his collection -- "most sexist celebrity"

1971 McDonalds commercial with Willard Scott as Ronald

Sequel announced to 28 Days Later.

College Football Fans Tab Ohio State as Pre-Season No. 1 in Inaugural Poll

"Evolutionary biology has vanished from the list of acceptable fields of study for recipients of a federal education grant for low-income college students."



Movie Reviews:

Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format. Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.


L'Appartment (1996)

Let's start with the plot, as best as I can sort it out. Max (Vincent Cassel) has a great job and is engaged. He is on his way to Japan for a business trip, when he thinks he hears Monica Bellucci in the phone booth of a club, and drops everything to find her. Seems she is his long-lost love. This becomes complicated by the fact that Romane Bohringer is sort of piggybacking on Bellucci's life, and is not only sleeping with Max's best friend, but also with Max. She is also playing a bad actress in a play. So, for most of the film, which includes a lot of flashbacks, we have Cassell supposedly leaving for Japan, and supposedly looking for Bellucci, but actually banging Bohringer, Bohringer supposedly heading for Rome with the play, but actually boffing Cassell and his best friend, and Bellucci managing to miss all of the men except the nut case that may have offed his wife to be with her. Nobody in Japan seemed to miss Cassell, but then I don't suppose I would either.

The above is my best guess as to the plot.  Frankly, I was bored and confused from the beginning, and still don't understand the ending. I also couldn't understand the motives of any of the characters. Clearly, however, my reaction is not typical. Most people seem to agree that this constitutes one of the greatest French films of all time. IMDb readers say 7.8 based on over 2,000 votes. The "under 18" crowd has it nearly at 9. It received the best foreign language BAFTA, and was nominated for two Cesars. There also seems to be an agreement that much of it is an homage to Hitchcock, but in a very French way.

Here is a litmus test for you. One of the many IMDb rave comments for this film includes:

"This is an astonishing film: a romantic thriller with a convoluted but perfectly constructed and devastatingly symmetrical plot, brilliantly buttressed by the use of recurring visual motifs. Everything in it is beautifully filmed: the women, the apartments; but more amazing is the devastating juxtapositioning of images, almost every scene has echoes of another. This is a story told in light, in colour, in many almost-parallels. Every time I watch it, it fills me with delight."

If the above makes sense to you, you might well be among the majority of people who love this first and last film from Gilles Mimouni.

This must be a C+, but is decidedly not my sort of film.


Romaine Bohringer shows breasts in three scenes, and blurry buns in one of them.







It's time for Flauti's special monthly Spanish movie report, Part 2 (the conclusion) today


Animales Heridos

Aitana Sanchez-Gijon

Cristina Plazas

Patricia Arredondo


La habitatacion del niņo

Leonor Watling



La semana que viene sin falta

Barbara de Lema

Penelope Velasco




Melissa P

Fabrizia Sacchi

Maria Valverde



Tiovovo c1950

Beatriz Rico











Caps from three movies:

1) The seriously robo-hootered Bernadette Perez in Jolly Roger.  She plays a clothing-removal engineer.  In real life she is a topless fitness model, with all the standard equipment;

2) Daniela Costa in Diario de Una Becaria. Bernadette wishes she looked half this good;

3) Jaime Pressly in DOA ... I grabbed these off usenet and could not resist working with them a bit.  Jaime's rumpus is a work of art. 

And a couple of paparazzi edits.  Michelle Hunziker sports a first-rate tushie of her own,

and then there is a much better scan (than one I sent in last week) of Rachel Hunter topless and wearing a thong while diving in some body of water.








Nicole Rayburn in Kisses and Caroms

Patty Souza in Kisses and Caroms