|Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
Final Mission (1993)
You have to read this one at the movie house,
because the review has a punch line, and the punch line is a
Anyway, to hell with the crappy movie. Here is Elizabeth Ward Gracen, former
Miss Arkansas, and former lover of no less an Arkansas personage than Wild
Bill Clinton his own self. Girl has one helluva body on 'er.
Conundrum is a made-for-cable cop procedural that turns out to be a much
better movie than you first expect. You are led to believe that the basic
storyline is going to consist of a battle between the man and woman buddy
cops and an assortment of corrupt officials and Asian gangsters. Just below
the surface is a cute little flirtation between the partners. Even though
he's married and about to be a father for the first time, she's got a crush
on him. He doesn't seem to notice and she, for her part, keeps it under wraps
because he and his wife seem to be deliriously happy.
If this were an
episode of Hunter, that would all play out predictably, and that's what I
expected, but the film takes a dramatic twist. His pregnant wife is murdered.
After the murder, with both of them in emotional states, the partner cops end
up in bed together, and everything gets very, very complicated.
nowhere near the end of the complications. She eventually discovers that he
was not capable of having children, and that two other recent murder victims
were the wife's lover and the hitman who killed them both.
long-trusted partner, who is also her girlish crush turned lover, a brutal
You expect me to say? As Curly would put it, "I ain't
singin'" Anyway, this is a lot more interesting movie than Final Mission.
The nudity comes from CSI's Marg Helgenberger.
'Caps and comments by Hankster:
Today would have to be called a "Robo-Hooter" Day! And who could be better suited than Anna Nicole Smith for this project.
So here's Anna from 1997's "Skyscraper", which was kind of a female "Die Hard" action-adventure flick.
|Wendy Rice topless in a scene from an episode of the late night series "Best Sex Ever."
|"Risky Business" and "The Three Musketeers" co-star Rebecca De Mornay topless and baring a bit of bum (#8) in scenes from "And God Created Woman" (1988).
|Elisha Cuthbert looking super-cute while stopping by "Late Night with Conan O'Brien".
|Vejiita 'caps of Lisa Hérédia going full frontal in scenes from the French movie, "De bruit et de fureur" (1988).
|The Skin-meister takes a look at the 1984 "Bo Derek gets nekkid" film, "Bolero". In case you missed Scoops review, you can click here to check it out.
Since it's a "Bo Derek gets nekkid" film...naturally Bo Derek bares all and looks simply amazing.
But don't forget about Olivia d'Abo! She made her screen debut that same year (and teased us with plenty of cleavage) in "Conan the Destroyer". But in "Bolero" she gave up all of her wonderful goodies!
Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the
review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that
there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written
by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too
ashamed to admit it.
Astronomers have found a large planetary object in the
Solar System's outer reaches. It is being hailed as
'a great discovery'.
Details of the object are still sketchy. It never comes
closer to the Sun than Neptune and spends most of its
time much further out than Pluto.
The Department of Defense has always had a lot of pork
in their budget, but this is ridiculous.
Spanish flamenco star jailed for 16 months for
hit-and-run manslaughter. His sentence was reduced
because after the hit, his run "was so light on his
Osama bin Laden Cocaine Poisoning Plot Foiled: President
Bush Reassures Jittery Public of the Safety of America's
Cocaine Supply (WHITEHOUSE.ORG)
Weekly World News:
"HOW TO TELL PEOPLE THEY'RE FAT WITHOUT HURTING THEIR
FEELINGS" ... Sure, these will work:
- Make the porker laugh by calling him or her a
funny name like el tubbo, fatty, lard butt, jelly
belly, fat girl or fat pig before you turn serious.
Then when you say, "Seriously, Doreen, you really are
disgusting," the sting of the truth won't hurt a bit.
Name Your Child According To Your Profession
The guy who wrote Chariots of the Gods has created a
theme park in Switzerland:
- "The most unique theme park in the world!
People should learn the meaning of astonishment." -
Erich von Däniken
- "At least one person should learn the meaning of
unique." - Onkel von Skupi
Soon to be a major pain for retailers and consumers:
"20th Century Fox said Friday that it will release
movies and TV programs on Blu-ray Disc when the format
debuts in the U.S., giving the Sony-backed
high-definition technology a huge boost in its battle
with rival format HD DVD. In addition to Fox, Sony
Pictures and Disney have endorsed Blu-ray, while Warner
Bros., Paramount and NBC/Universal back HD DVD."
Bush Approval at 44% - Lowest measurement of his
The really big beer ad
Conan O'Brien's latest quotables
- "Willie Nelson has written an advice book.
Willie's first piece of advice: use chapter one to
roll a joint."
- "In Iraq, the U.S. Military wants to disperse
angry rioters by using a new weapon called a
'microwave beam.' Officials say that the microwave
beams work perfectly, the trouble is getting the
rioters to stand on a slowly revolving plate."
- "Yesterday President Bush had breakfast with
Supreme Court Nominee John Roberts. Afterwards, Bush
said he's never seen a better-qualified candidate for
the Supreme Court, while Roberts said he's never seen
a grown man eat Count Chocula."
April Winchell's Blog is pretty good reading. Lots of
- "Let me tell you something about Alanis Morrisette.
If you saw her walking down the street, you would
never, ever, in a million years think that it was her.
In person, she looks like someone's mom, or a realtor
getting ready to show a house in Arcadia. And to my
great joy, she has a big can. I always love it when I
see famous people and they're human. I saw Alicia
Keyes at Mr. Chow once, and she had quite the keister.
And Shannen Doherty, who I saw in Barney's, has a big
old ass. Skinny as hell everywhere else, but lots of
junk. She looks like a crack whore wearing 8 pairs of
- Note: not that it matters, but April's dad is the
Extreme hardship department:
Paris Hilton had to get a new engagement ring - the
first one was too heavy.
Julia Roberts will make her Broadway debut in a revival
of the drama Three Days of Rain.
No surprises here, but all the facts (.pdf format)
Milwaukee is the top beer drinkin' market, Salt Lake
City dead last. Except for Salt Lake, the weakest
beer markets are in the Middle Atlantic area from West
Virginia down to South Carolina.
Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.
here to submit a URL for Other Crap
|Pat Reeder www.comedy-wire.com
Pat's comments in yellow...
INTERNET WAR OVER USELESS ISLAND
Hans Off! - Canada and Denmark are in a dispute over which one controls the
tiny, barren Arctic rock called Hans Island, and war has broken out...an
Internet ad war. Denmark's foreign ministry took out an ad on Google.com
reading, "Does Hans sound Canadian? Danish name, Danish island." This
prompted Toronto author Rick Broadhead to buy an ad showing a Maple Leaf
flag and reading, "Hans Island is Canadian." He said, "To my knowledge
this is the first time that a squabble has ever broken out between two
nations on Google."
And knowing these two nations, that's as close to a war as they'll ever
The war is escalating: now, they're both trying to buy nuclear weapons
Hans Island belongs to a polar bear named Hans.
WOMEN CAN BE TOPLESS, BUT ONLY LYING DOWN
But I Only Go There For The Topless Volleyball! - The Italian Association
for Public Bathing has issued a list of strict guidelines for beachgoers.
For instance, they can no longer change into swimsuits under towels, drink,
play soccer, hang wet clothes on umbrellas to dry or use cell phones too
loudly. Perhaps the oddest rule: women cannot be topless standing up.
They must cover up when wading, walking the beach or playing volleyball,
but they can be topless only if they are lying down.
Considering what gravity has done to a lot of breasts, this might be a
But they can still lie face up...These rules were written by Italian
men, after all.
The men figure if you make the women lie down topless, you're already
WORST SENTENCE CONTEST WINNER
Microsoft Words - Microsoft computer analyst Dan McKay of Fargo, North
Dakota, won this year's Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest for the worst opening
sentence of an imaginary novel. The contest is named after the author who
first wrote, "It was a dark and stormy night." McKay's entry began, "As he
stared at her ample bosom, he daydreamed of the dual Stromberg carburetors
in his vintage Triumph Spitfire," and went on to compare the woman's
breasts to the "small knurled caps of the oil dampeners."
That's either a very bad description or a really unusual pair of
Bear in mind, he's a computer analyst, so he's never actually seen a
woman's ample bosom.
It may be a terrible opening sentence, but I'd read that book.
ACTRESS NEARLY CRASHES CAR AT SIGHT OF HER OWN BREASTS
Giant Flop - Scarlett Johansson said she nearly wrecked her car in L.A.
when she screamed and slammed on the brakes after seeing a gigantic
billboard for "The Island." She said her breasts were so huge on it, her
cleavage was "the size of a brontosaurus."
And reminiscent of dual Stromberg carburetors...
Or as Pamela Anderson calls them, "Life-size."
If they'd advertised that movie as being about an island full of
brontosaurus breasts, it might've been a hit.
She shouldn't feel embarrassed...Every man who drives by there slams on
the brakes, too.
Currently on disability. If you'd like to get in touch with him, his email address is firstname.lastname@example.org
|A quick site note
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