Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
Final Mission (1993)

You have to read this one at the movie house, because the review has a punch line, and the punch line is a picture.

Anyway, to hell with the crappy movie. Here is Elizabeth Ward Gracen, former Miss Arkansas, and former lover of no less an Arkansas personage than Wild Bill Clinton his own self. Girl has one helluva body on 'er.

Elizabeth Ward Gracen

Conundrum (1996)

Conundrum is a made-for-cable cop procedural that turns out to be a much better movie than you first expect. You are led to believe that the basic storyline is going to consist of a battle between the man and woman buddy cops and an assortment of corrupt officials and Asian gangsters. Just below the surface is a cute little flirtation between the partners. Even though he's married and about to be a father for the first time, she's got a crush on him. He doesn't seem to notice and she, for her part, keeps it under wraps because he and his wife seem to be deliriously happy.

If this were an episode of Hunter, that would all play out predictably, and that's what I expected, but the film takes a dramatic twist. His pregnant wife is murdered.

After the murder, with both of them in emotional states, the partner cops end up in bed together, and everything gets very, very complicated.

That's nowhere near the end of the complications. She eventually discovers that he was not capable of having children, and that two other recent murder victims were the wife's lover and the hitman who killed them both.

Is her long-trusted partner, who is also her girlish crush turned lover, a brutal multiple murderer?

You expect me to say? As Curly would put it, "I ain't singin'" Anyway, this is a lot more interesting movie than Final Mission.

The nudity comes from CSI's Marg Helgenberger.

Marg Helgenberger

'Caps and comments by Hankster:

Today would have to be called a "Robo-Hooter" Day! And who could be better suited than Anna Nicole Smith for this project.

So here's Anna from 1997's "Skyscraper", which was kind of a female "Die Hard" action-adventure flick.

She kick's it off with a topless shower scene.

Then she and her husband move on to the bedroom.

Next up a very erotic outdoor love making scene.

And then she becomes a "Damsel in "Distress" fighting off a rape attempt.

Crimson Ghost
Wendy Rice topless in a scene from an episode of the late night series "Best Sex Ever."

"Risky Business" and "The Three Musketeers" co-star Rebecca De Mornay topless and baring a bit of bum (#8) in scenes from "And God Created Woman" (1988).

Elisha Cuthbert looking super-cute while stopping by "Late Night with Conan O'Brien".

Vejiita 'caps of Lisa Hérédia going full frontal in scenes from the French movie, "De bruit et de fureur" (1988).

The Skin-meister takes a look at the 1984 "Bo Derek gets nekkid" film, "Bolero". In case you missed Scoops review, you can click here to check it out.

Since it's a "Bo Derek gets nekkid" film...naturally Bo Derek bares all and looks simply amazing.

But don't forget about Olivia d'Abo! She made her screen debut that same year (and teased us with plenty of cleavage) in "Conan the Destroyer". But in "Bolero" she gave up all of her wonderful goodies!

Movie Reviews


Here are the latest movie reviews available at


  • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
  • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
  • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
  • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Other Crap
Astronomers have found a large planetary object in the Solar System's outer reaches. It is being hailed as 'a great discovery'.
Details of the object are still sketchy. It never comes closer to the Sun than Neptune and spends most of its time much further out than Pluto.

The Department of Defense has always had a lot of pork in their budget, but this is ridiculous.

Spanish flamenco star jailed for 16 months for hit-and-run manslaughter. His sentence was reduced because after the hit, his run "was so light on his feet."

Osama bin Laden Cocaine Poisoning Plot Foiled: President Bush Reassures Jittery Public of the Safety of America's Cocaine Supply (WHITEHOUSE.ORG)


  • Make the porker laugh by calling him or her a funny name like el tubbo, fatty, lard butt, jelly belly, fat girl or fat pig before you turn serious. Then when you say, "Seriously, Doreen, you really are disgusting," the sting of the truth won't hurt a bit.

Name Your Child According To Your Profession

Wigwam Village???

The guy who wrote Chariots of the Gods has created a theme park in Switzerland: Mystery Park

  • "The most unique theme park in the world! People should learn the meaning of astonishment." - Erich von Däniken
  • "At least one person should learn the meaning of unique." - Onkel von Skupi

Soon to be a major pain for retailers and consumers: "20th Century Fox said Friday that it will release movies and TV programs on Blu-ray Disc when the format debuts in the U.S., giving the Sony-backed high-definition technology a huge boost in its battle with rival format HD DVD. In addition to Fox, Sony Pictures and Disney have endorsed Blu-ray, while Warner Bros., Paramount and NBC/Universal back HD DVD."

GALLUP: Bush Approval at 44% - Lowest measurement of his presidency

The really big beer ad

Conan O'Brien's latest quotables

  • "Willie Nelson has written an advice book. Willie's first piece of advice: use chapter one to roll a joint."
  • "In Iraq, the U.S. Military wants to disperse angry rioters by using a new weapon called a 'microwave beam.' Officials say that the microwave beams work perfectly, the trouble is getting the rioters to stand on a slowly revolving plate."
  • "Yesterday President Bush had breakfast with Supreme Court Nominee John Roberts. Afterwards, Bush said he's never seen a better-qualified candidate for the Supreme Court, while Roberts said he's never seen a grown man eat Count Chocula."

April Winchell's Blog is pretty good reading. Lots of celebrity ridicule

  • "Let me tell you something about Alanis Morrisette. If you saw her walking down the street, you would never, ever, in a million years think that it was her. In person, she looks like someone's mom, or a realtor getting ready to show a house in Arcadia. And to my great joy, she has a big can. I always love it when I see famous people and they're human. I saw Alicia Keyes at Mr. Chow once, and she had quite the keister. And Shannen Doherty, who I saw in Barney's, has a big old ass. Skinny as hell everywhere else, but lots of junk. She looks like a crack whore wearing 8 pairs of underpants."
  • Note: not that it matters, but April's dad is the late Tigger.

Extreme hardship department: Paris Hilton had to get a new engagement ring - the first one was too heavy.

Julia Roberts will make her Broadway debut in a revival of the drama Three Days of Rain.

No surprises here, but all the facts (.pdf format) Milwaukee is the top beer drinkin' market, Salt Lake City dead last. Except for Salt Lake, the weakest beer markets are in the Middle Atlantic area from West Virginia down to South Carolina.


Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

Pat Reeder
Pat's comments in yellow...

Hans Off! - Canada and Denmark are in a dispute over which one controls the tiny, barren Arctic rock called Hans Island, and war has broken Internet ad war. Denmark's foreign ministry took out an ad on reading, "Does Hans sound Canadian? Danish name, Danish island." This prompted Toronto author Rick Broadhead to buy an ad showing a Maple Leaf flag and reading, "Hans Island is Canadian." He said, "To my knowledge this is the first time that a squabble has ever broken out between two nations on Google."

  • And knowing these two nations, that's as close to a war as they'll ever get.
  • The war is escalating: now, they're both trying to buy nuclear weapons on eBay.
  • Hans Island belongs to a polar bear named Hans.

    But I Only Go There For The Topless Volleyball! - The Italian Association for Public Bathing has issued a list of strict guidelines for beachgoers. For instance, they can no longer change into swimsuits under towels, drink, play soccer, hang wet clothes on umbrellas to dry or use cell phones too loudly. Perhaps the oddest rule: women cannot be topless standing up. They must cover up when wading, walking the beach or playing volleyball, but they can be topless only if they are lying down.

  • Considering what gravity has done to a lot of breasts, this might be a wise idea.
  • But they can still lie face up...These rules were written by Italian men, after all.
  • The men figure if you make the women lie down topless, you're already halfway home.

    Microsoft Words - Microsoft computer analyst Dan McKay of Fargo, North Dakota, won this year's Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest for the worst opening sentence of an imaginary novel. The contest is named after the author who first wrote, "It was a dark and stormy night." McKay's entry began, "As he stared at her ample bosom, he daydreamed of the dual Stromberg carburetors in his vintage Triumph Spitfire," and went on to compare the woman's breasts to the "small knurled caps of the oil dampeners."

  • That's either a very bad description or a really unusual pair of breasts.
  • Bear in mind, he's a computer analyst, so he's never actually seen a woman's ample bosom.
  • It may be a terrible opening sentence, but I'd read that book.

    Giant Flop - Scarlett Johansson said she nearly wrecked her car in L.A. when she screamed and slammed on the brakes after seeing a gigantic billboard for "The Island." She said her breasts were so huge on it, her cleavage was "the size of a brontosaurus."

  • And reminiscent of dual Stromberg carburetors...
  • Or as Pamela Anderson calls them, "Life-size."
  • If they'd advertised that movie as being about an island full of brontosaurus breasts, it might've been a hit.
  • She shouldn't feel embarrassed...Every man who drives by there slams on the brakes, too.

  • Tuna

    Currently on disability. If you'd like to get in touch with him, his email address is

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