Under Seige (1992) is described on the package as Die Hard on a ship. The ship is supposedly the Battleship Missouri. Bruce Willis is played by Stevan Seagal, who is a cook on the ship, due to a little misunderstanding over rearranging the face of his commanding officer. Of course he is really a Navy SEAL, expert in whatever is needed to get through the plot. A chopper full of entertainers and caterers arrive, supposedly from Pearl Harbor, to throw the captain a birthday party. Included in the guest list is a centerfold, Erika Eleniak, to jump out of a cake.
The group is actually led by a turned CIA agent and the executive officer, and their aim is to take over the ship, offload some nuclear equipped missiles to a submarine they happen to own, and sell them to a high bidder. This is all the more ironic as the Missouri is on her final voyage to be decommissioned. Of course it is up to Seagal with the help of Eleniak to stop the bad guys.
Eleniak shows breasts and buns jumping out of a cake long after the takeover. IMDb readers have this at 6.1. It was nominated for Oscars for Best sound Effects and Sound Editing. It earned $156M against a $12M budget. I enjoyed it. The Navy policies and procedures won't stand much scrutiny here, but it was a good, faced paced yarn, and Seagal, whom I usually find irritating, was better here than usual. C+.
|Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
Poodle Springs (1998):
Poodle Springs is the last of the Philip Marlowe stories from
Raymond Chandler. In fact, it came so late in Chandler's life that
he died while writing it in 1959 and it was not completed until
1989, when Chandler's estate hired Robert B. Parker, the creator of
Spenser, to finish the work. Chandler wrote four chapters and a plot
outline, Parker fleshed out the rest.
The work occurs not only late in the author's life, but in the
character's life as well. The Marlowe we are most familiar with is a
lonely guy in his 30s, wearing a cheap suit, walking by himself
through the seediest parts of L.A. in the 1930s and 1940s, a
cigarette perpetually dangling from his lips. That was the Marlowe
of The Big Sleep and Farewell, My Lovely. The Marlowe of Poodle
Springs is barely recognizable. He's in his 50s now, married to a
rich young woman, wearing a flower print shirt, living in a ritzy
house in Palm Springs (aka Poodle Springs). He doesn't want to spend
his life living off his wife's money and feeling useless, so he gets
himself a local office and hangs out his P.I. shingle.
His case load begins with missing purses but, as you can probably
guess, by the time the movie is over he will be involved with the
Nevada mob, the California land swindlers, blackmailers, junkies,
rich men with insane daughters (a favorite Chandler motif), pimps,
gigolos, hookers, junkies, and a trail of dead bodies. As is typical
in the genre, the plot is so labyrinthine that I'm not even sure I
can describe it, but it all leads eventually to a high level
conspiracy involving President John F. Kennedy and Marlowe's own
father-in-law. Needless to say, the ever honorable Marlowe wants no
part of all these high-powered cons and swindles, and by the time
the dust has cleared and the case has closed, our intrepid P.I. has
slipped on his gum-encrusted shoes, squeezed back into his cheap
suit, snapped the brim of his trusty fedora, and made his way back
to the lowlifes and crooked cops in L.A., where he understands the
It's a little heavy on plot and a little light on noir
atmosphere, but I guess a lot of that can be explained by our hero's
move to the air-conditioned upper class suburbs of the 60s. It was
interesting for a while to see a suburban Marlowe portrayed as an
old, rich, married man who does the "yes, dear" thing with his wife
and picks up his cigarette butts from the squeaky-clean sidewalks of
a rich community, but after a while I reacted to the whole deal the
same way Marlowe himself did. I missed the city streets and the sad
As always, HBO did a first class job with the project. They hired
Oscar-nominated Bob Rafelson (Five Easy Pieces) to direct the film,
and they hired the brilliant Oscar-winning playwright Tom Stoppard
(Shakespeare in Love, Brazil) to adapt the Chandler/Parker novel
into a screenplay. I'm not really convinced that those two guys were
the right men for the job, but one cannot fault HBO for bad faith.
They definitely pulled in some high powered talent to work on it.
Production values aside, this is a Fun House classic in at least
one respect. It features both celebrity nudity from Dina Meyer and a
short appearance from our old favorite Joe Don Baker. What more does
a movie really need?
- Dina Meyer collage
- Dina Meyer (zipped .wmv)
- Dina Meyer (zipped .vob) This is the actual DVD stream. Since
the nudity lasts only a couple of seconds, it is reasonable to
download that portion of the original .vob file. If you have any
software on your computer to play DVDs (like Power DVD, for
example), you can just unzip the .vob file and click on it. Your
DVD software player will fire it up. If you don't have a DVD drive
or any DVD software, you will probably be wasting your time to
Dervla Kirwan is an Irish actress who is one of the BBC's
favorites. She is seen here in the Michael Winterbottom film With
You or Without You. (Winterbottom also did Code 46, Jude, Welcome to
Sarajevo, Butterfly Kiss, and others)
I think you know who Keira Knightley is. She is seen here fully
clothed, but on a very cold day in London, if you catch my drift.
MPAA Blames BitTorrent for Star Wars Distribution. It
doesn't seem that the distribution has suppressed the box office
Dates in the Star Wars Universe
Das Keyboard - UberGeeks Only
The Original Dog-Powered Scooter
- Octopus porn story o' the day:
SEVEN workers were suspended after being caught ogling internet
images of a naked woman with an octopus.
The remake you've been waiting for: Revenge of the Nerds.
Weekly World News: "A World War II soldier who was frozen fast in
the Arctic on a mission, has thawed out and returned home to
Indiana. " Amazingly, Indiana still looked the same as
when he left, except it needed a coat of paint.
Will a horse instinctively mount a woman?
The full ten minute version of Triumph insulting the Star Wars
Sex toys, porno stars in New York's Erotic Expo
The Parade of Unfortunate Star Wars Costumes
Salma Hayek at the Sin City premiere. They are (mostly)
covered, but they're still spectacular. That Benicio del Toro is
one weird dude.
Sith pulls in $35 million more on Friday. That is the
eighth highest day of all time.
Seven clips from The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants
- A trailer and a TV spot for
Dominion: Prequel to The Exorcist
Tommy Lee Jones: a best actor award and a debut as director
- My take on
Star Wars Episode Three: Revenge of the Sith.
- I was not surprised that it is a beautifully presented
movie, although the Padme funeral scene went beyond my wildest
expectations, but I was surprised by the fact that its politics
are so much subtler than I expected, and that I could actually
understand what drove Anakin to the dark side.
- I do have to make a suggestion to the Empire, however. They
need to hire a P.R. firm and set the spin doctors on the project
of giving the Dark Side a new name. I mean shouldn't Anakin have
suspected that something called The Dark Side was actually evil?
Even the assertive Ann Coulter is not bold enough to call her
neo-con philosophy "The Dark Side of Democracy."
- Instead of referring to it in conversations with Anakin as
"The Dark Side" of the Force, Emperor Palpatine should simply
call it "Neo-Jedism" or "The Passionate Side" (as opposed to the
Jedi's "Contemplative Side"). Here's how a Presidential Press
Secretary would phrase it: "Yes, lad, the council members are
Ur-Jedi, while we Sith are Neo-Jedi. We prefer to use the entire
Force, also including its untapped passionate resources rather
than just the weaker contemplative side."
Today in Uncle Scoopy's Guest House: Alison Pill's topless flash
in Dear Wendy
- The Blade Runner law:
USA says "No billboards in space"
"Illegal movie and software downloaders could have an edge over
anti-piracy operatives thanks to a new feature in the BitTorrent
file-sharing software." "However, Sawney pointed out
that BitTorrent files could still be identified. "BSA has
traditionally sought the assistance of those hosting the actual
pirated files. With or without the tracker sites, someone still
hosts the infringing files," he said.
President's Surprise Late-Night Meeting With the Ghost of Minority
Filibusters Past: Senator Strom Thurmond of South Carolina
This summer's concert list
The Straight Dope: Was there really genocide in early 20th century
White Babe in Beijing
- "Columbia-honors-grad Rachel DeWoskin reveals what it was
like playing a sexy American vixen on a hit Chinese soap opera."
Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the
since it's sorta in real time.
to submit a URL for Other Crap
are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the
review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that
there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written
by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too
ashamed to admit it.
'Caps and comments by Spaz:
"Birds of Prey" (1985)
Thriller involving a cop chasing a female assassin
(Linda Elder) and hooking up with a hooker with a heart of
gold (Suzanne Tessier).
"Mr. Headmistress" (1998)
Disney movie about a felon who hides in an all girl's
school dressed up like a headmistress. Strictly PG-13 fair.
- Lori Hallier: tight t-shirt making headmistress in drag nearly pop his
"Blood & Guts" (1978)
Gritty drama about a smalltime travelling wrestling troupe
in the days before cable television and Vince McMahon's WWF/WWE.
- Micheline Lanctot: revealing costume, then boobs and bush
getting raped (looks like she's wearing pantyhose but with no
"Powder Heads" (1980)
The first English-Canadian ski comedy completely
misses the mark with endless ski sequences but
no sex or nudity. The first movie for
Catherine Mary Stewart.
Show Me Yours II: episode The F-Word
No (female) nudity this week.
NOTE: We currently have to do all of our movie files in zip format. Instead of viewing them online, save the zip files to your hard drive in the directory of your choice, un-zip and play from there.
Today from the Ghost, another batch of assorted video clips. Zipped .wmvs as usual.
- Moira Kelly, showing off some lovely toplessness (and getting seriously groped) in this well lit, but odd sex scene from 1994's "Little Odessa".
- Danielle Brett showing brief breast views in #1 and #3 and all 3 B's in clip #2. Scenes from "Jill the Ripper" aka "Tied Up". Starring my brother's personal B-movie hero, Dolph Lundgren.
- Nina Richardson, tied up, topless and tormented in 'Hankster Approved' video clips from her one and only film, "Night Vision" (199).
|Both ladies showing a bit of breast exposure in scenes similar scenes from the Italian movie "L'Ultimo bacio" aka "The Last Kiss" (2001).
|From the French movie "La Fille de d'Artagnan" aka "Revenge of the Musketeers" (1994). "Braveheart" star and all around French superstar Sophie Marceau is topless. Maria Pitarresi bares breasts and bum.
|Portman showing some serious pokies at the premiere of "Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith". Fair warning, for those who haven't seen her lately, she has a shaved head...but still looks beautiful.
I went to see Episode 3 yesterday, and despite a few overly-elaborate scenes, some poor "tone" choices at times, some unnecessary scenes and characters added simply to sell more toys, remnants of the horrible "I love you soooooo much" dialogue bewteen Padmé and Anakin, and of course the fact that Hayden Christensen is possibly one of the worst actors ever...it's actually a pretty good movie.
As a member of the Star Wars generation, I must say that this is how the prequel story should have been told from the beginning. Finally...when I bring home a prequel DVD, I won't need to hit the fast forward button!
|Johnny Moronic takes one for the team and watches a Steven Seagal, so we don't have to. Here are a few quick flashes of Skin from the 2005 direct-to-vid flick "Into the Sun". The beautiful Juliette Marquis (from "This Girl's Life") bares a bit of bum and is seen nekkid behind the shower door. First timer Kanako Yamaguchi shows some partial breast exposure.
||The "Girl Next Door" and "House of Wax" star showing a little cleavage while stopping by Tony Danza's talk show. I know what most of you are thinking and I'm right there with you..."why does Tony Danza have a talk show?". Will someone please check the thermostat in hell.
|RIP 'caps of Big Jules topless and showing bush in scenes from "Delta Delta Die!" (including some DVD bonus material).
|Señor Skin 'caps of Pataky baring breasts and bum while being bathed by Julian Sands in a scene from "Romasanta" (2004).
|A quick site note
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