"Under Seige"

Under Seige (1992) is described on the package as Die Hard on a ship. The ship is supposedly the Battleship Missouri. Bruce Willis is played by Stevan Seagal, who is a cook on the ship, due to a little misunderstanding over rearranging the face of his commanding officer. Of course he is really a Navy SEAL, expert in whatever is needed to get through the plot. A chopper full of entertainers and caterers arrive, supposedly from Pearl Harbor, to throw the captain a birthday party. Included in the guest list is a centerfold, Erika Eleniak, to jump out of a cake.

The group is actually led by a turned CIA agent and the executive officer, and their aim is to take over the ship, offload some nuclear equipped missiles to a submarine they happen to own, and sell them to a high bidder. This is all the more ironic as the Missouri is on her final voyage to be decommissioned. Of course it is up to Seagal with the help of Eleniak to stop the bad guys.

Eleniak shows breasts and buns jumping out of a cake long after the takeover. IMDb readers have this at 6.1. It was nominated for Oscars for Best sound Effects and Sound Editing. It earned $156M against a $12M budget. I enjoyed it. The Navy policies and procedures won't stand much scrutiny here, but it was a good, faced paced yarn, and Seagal, whom I usually find irritating, was better here than usual. C+.

  • Thumbnails

  • Erika Eleniak (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    Poodle Springs (1998):

    Poodle Springs is the last of the Philip Marlowe stories from Raymond Chandler. In fact, it came so late in Chandler's life that he died while writing it in 1959 and it was not completed until 1989, when Chandler's estate hired Robert B. Parker, the creator of Spenser, to finish the work. Chandler wrote four chapters and a plot outline, Parker fleshed out the rest.

    The work occurs not only late in the author's life, but in the character's life as well. The Marlowe we are most familiar with is a lonely guy in his 30s, wearing a cheap suit, walking by himself through the seediest parts of L.A. in the 1930s and 1940s, a cigarette perpetually dangling from his lips. That was the Marlowe of The Big Sleep and Farewell, My Lovely. The Marlowe of Poodle Springs is barely recognizable. He's in his 50s now, married to a rich young woman, wearing a flower print shirt, living in a ritzy house in Palm Springs (aka Poodle Springs). He doesn't want to spend his life living off his wife's money and feeling useless, so he gets himself a local office and hangs out his P.I. shingle.

    His case load begins with missing purses but, as you can probably guess, by the time the movie is over he will be involved with the Nevada mob, the California land swindlers, blackmailers, junkies, rich men with insane daughters (a favorite Chandler motif), pimps, gigolos, hookers, junkies, and a trail of dead bodies. As is typical in the genre, the plot is so labyrinthine that I'm not even sure I can describe it, but it all leads eventually to a high level conspiracy involving President John F. Kennedy and Marlowe's own father-in-law. Needless to say, the ever honorable Marlowe wants no part of all these high-powered cons and swindles, and by the time the dust has cleared and the case has closed, our intrepid P.I. has slipped on his gum-encrusted shoes, squeezed back into his cheap suit, snapped the brim of his trusty fedora, and made his way back to the lowlifes and crooked cops in L.A., where he understands the rules.

    It's a little heavy on plot and a little light on noir atmosphere, but I guess a lot of that can be explained by our hero's move to the air-conditioned upper class suburbs of the 60s. It was interesting for a while to see a suburban Marlowe portrayed as an old, rich, married man who does the "yes, dear" thing with his wife and picks up his cigarette butts from the squeaky-clean sidewalks of a rich community, but after a while I reacted to the whole deal the same way Marlowe himself did. I missed the city streets and the sad saxophone music.

    As always, HBO did a first class job with the project. They hired Oscar-nominated Bob Rafelson (Five Easy Pieces) to direct the film, and they hired the brilliant Oscar-winning playwright Tom Stoppard (Shakespeare in Love, Brazil) to adapt the Chandler/Parker novel into a screenplay. I'm not really convinced that those two guys were the right men for the job, but one cannot fault HBO for bad faith. They definitely pulled in some high powered talent to work on it.

    Production values aside, this is a Fun House classic in at least one respect. It features both celebrity nudity from Dina Meyer and a short appearance from our old favorite Joe Don Baker. What more does a movie really need?

    • Dina Meyer collage
    • Dina Meyer (zipped .wmv)
    • Dina Meyer (zipped .vob) This is the actual DVD stream. Since the nudity lasts only a couple of seconds, it is reasonable to download that portion of the original .vob file. If you have any software on your computer to play DVDs (like Power DVD, for example), you can just unzip the .vob file and click on it. Your DVD software player will fire it up. If you don't have a DVD drive or any DVD software, you will probably be wasting your time to download it.



    Dervla Kirwan is an Irish actress who is one of the BBC's favorites. She is seen here in the Michael Winterbottom film With You or Without You. (Winterbottom also did Code 46, Jude, Welcome to Sarajevo, Butterfly Kiss, and others)



    I think you know who Keira Knightley is. She is seen here fully clothed, but on a very cold day in London, if you catch my drift.


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    Here are the latest movie reviews available at


    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    'Caps and comments by Spaz:

    "Birds of Prey" (1985)
    Thriller involving a cop chasing a female assassin (Linda Elder) and hooking up with a hooker with a heart of gold (Suzanne Tessier).

    "Mr. Headmistress" (1998)
    Disney movie about a felon who hides in an all girl's school dressed up like a headmistress. Strictly PG-13 fair.

    • Lori Hallier: tight t-shirt making headmistress in drag nearly pop his girdle.

    "Blood & Guts" (1978)
    Gritty drama about a smalltime travelling wrestling troupe in the days before cable television and Vince McMahon's WWF/WWE.

    • Micheline Lanctot: revealing costume, then boobs and bush getting raped (looks like she's wearing pantyhose but with no underwear)

    "Powder Heads" (1980)
    The first English-Canadian ski comedy completely misses the mark with endless ski sequences but no sex or nudity. The first movie for Catherine Mary Stewart.

    Show Me Yours II: episode The F-Word
    No (female) nudity this week.

    Crimson Ghost
    NOTE: We currently have to do all of our movie files in zip format. Instead of viewing them online, save the zip files to your hard drive in the directory of your choice, un-zip and play from there.

    Today from the Ghost, another batch of assorted video clips. Zipped .wmvs as usual.

    • Moira Kelly, showing off some lovely toplessness (and getting seriously groped) in this well lit, but odd sex scene from 1994's "Little Odessa".

    • Danielle Brett showing brief breast views in #1 and #3 and all 3 B's in clip #2. Scenes from "Jill the Ripper" aka "Tied Up". Starring my brother's personal B-movie hero, Dolph Lundgren. (1, 2, 3)

    • Nina Richardson, tied up, topless and tormented in 'Hankster Approved' video clips from her one and only film, "Night Vision" (199). (1, 2)

    Ines Nobili
    (1, 2, 3)
    and Martina Stella
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    Both ladies showing a bit of breast exposure in scenes similar scenes from the Italian movie "L'Ultimo bacio" aka "The Last Kiss" (2001).

    Sophie Marceau
    Maria Pitarresi

    From the French movie "La Fille de d'Artagnan" aka "Revenge of the Musketeers" (1994). "Braveheart" star and all around French superstar Sophie Marceau is topless. Maria Pitarresi bares breasts and bum.

    Natalie Portman
    (1, 2, 3, 4)

    Portman showing some serious pokies at the premiere of "Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith". Fair warning, for those who haven't seen her lately, she has a shaved head...but still looks beautiful.

    I went to see Episode 3 yesterday, and despite a few overly-elaborate scenes, some poor "tone" choices at times, some unnecessary scenes and characters added simply to sell more toys, remnants of the horrible "I love you soooooo much" dialogue bewteen Padmé and Anakin, and of course the fact that Hayden Christensen is possibly one of the worst actors's actually a pretty good movie.

    As a member of the Star Wars generation, I must say that this is how the prequel story should have been told from the beginning. Finally...when I bring home a prequel DVD, I won't need to hit the fast forward button!

    Juliette Marquis
    Kanako Yamaguchi

    Johnny Moronic takes one for the team and watches a Steven Seagal, so we don't have to. Here are a few quick flashes of Skin from the 2005 direct-to-vid flick "Into the Sun". The beautiful Juliette Marquis (from "This Girl's Life") bares a bit of bum and is seen nekkid behind the shower door. First timer Kanako Yamaguchi shows some partial breast exposure.

    Elisha Cuthbert The "Girl Next Door" and "House of Wax" star showing a little cleavage while stopping by Tony Danza's talk show. I know what most of you are thinking and I'm right there with you..."why does Tony Danza have a talk show?". Will someone please check the thermostat in hell.

    Julie Strain
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    RIP 'caps of Big Jules topless and showing bush in scenes from "Delta Delta Die!" (including some DVD bonus material).

    Elsa Pataky
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)

    Señor Skin 'caps of Pataky baring breasts and bum while being bathed by Julian Sands in a scene from "Romasanta" (2004).

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