Gioli in Human Capital (2013) in 1080hd
DeSantis, Julie McNiven, and Misha Sedgwick
in Carlito's Way: Rise to Power (2005) in 1080hd
(Captures below from a different source.)
Zadora and Carla Romanelli in The Lonely Lady
(1983) in 1080hd
A ridiculously bad movie, but this is the
first time it has ever been released in HD.
The early 80's .. who can forget the era of Zadoramania?
Pia Zadora was chosen as the "worst actress of the
eighties" by the Razzie voters, and that was an amazing
accomplishment because she did not achieve that dishonor
through a spate of consistently awful performances
throughout the decade, nor did she achieve it with an
eleventh hour 1989 stinker that was still fresh in the
voters' memories. She did it all with two performances
from early in the decade: her jailbait/incest
performance in Butterfly, and her incredible "I fucked
my way to the top" speech in The Lonely Lady. That
speech, this performance, and this movie were all so bad
that even her seven years in hiding were not sufficient
time for the voters to forget her by the end of the
The Lonely Lady was nominated for eleven Razzies in
1983. That represented 110% of the highest possible
number, because they only had ten categories. It won six
of those Razzies, a record at the time, including all
the important ones: worst film, worst director, and
worst screenplay. Two decades later it was still
regarded highly (lowly) enough to be entered into the
elite group nominated as the Razzie's "worst drama of
our first 25 years." Battlefield Earth was the winner,
and the other nominees were Mommie Dearest, Showgirls,
and Swept Away. Impressive company, indeed.
Lonely Lady begins outside "The Generic Awards
Ceremony." You can tell it's not the Oscars because (1)
they didn't call it that (2) it takes place in a high
school auditorium covered by paper signs.
Maybe it's the Grammys.
Nah. Too classy.
Pia Zadora has been nominated for the Generic Award for
the best screenplay, and the atmosphere around the
ceremony reminds her of her first award ceremony, so
many years ago, back in high school, when she received
an elaborate statuette as the "outstanding English
student," and made her first acceptance speech. Do you
sense a flashback beginning? In her pigtails and gingham
dress, high school Pia proceeded to ramble on and on
about presenting important ideas in an honest way until
a teacher, who was obviously as bored and embarrassed
for her as I was, interrupted her speech and humiliated
her. This was the first in a string of humiliations
which would fill her life, and spur her on to the Best
Generic Screenplay award.
The next major humiliation came on the same night,
during the big senior bash, when fellow student Ray
Liotta raped her with a garden hose. ("I'm gonna give
you something special!") Just going to high school with
Ray Liotta was a big mistake to begin with. Where did
they go? Norman Bates Academy? But ending up the evening
alone with Ray Liotta? Now there's a fatal mistake.
You'd think she might have realized this after she
showed Liotta her "outstanding English student" award,
and he offered the witty riposte that "it looks like a
penis!" Luckily for Zadora, Ray was interrupted in the
hose-raping act by Mr. Famous Screenwriter, who nursed
Zadora back to health and married her the next morning.
Or maybe not. Anyway, he married her soon thereafter,
but this marriage had a few problems. First, he was
middle aged and impotent. (Hey, it's a Harold Robbins
story.) I guess they might have worked through that,
except that the sex was the best thing about their
relationship. Second, she kept re-writing his scripts
without asking his permission. Third, he kept using her
re-writes without crediting her. Fourth, he kept
threatening to rape her with a garden hose, as kind of a
nostalgic trip back to the night they met. ("Or is this
is more your kick?!")
I just realized that every line in this movie needs to
be punctuated with an exclamation point.
Zadora figured if she could improve the scripts of
Famous Screenwriter, then she could probably make it on
her own, so she wrote a screenplay and set off to make
it in Hollywood. Of course, everyone she presented her
script to agreed to give it very serious consideration
as soon as Zadora finished sucking his dick or eating
her pussy, but after the oral sex there was always the
ol' brush-off, except for occasional post-fellatio
cuddles with garden hoses, and then later with fire
hoses. Once it got around that she was into hoses, then
the guys with the big nozzles started to show. You'd
think Zadora would have figured out this scam after
falling for it a couple of times, particularly when her
prospective mentors would show up for a script meeting
in a fire truck, but the film's running time would then
have been less than feature length. In fact, if she had
figured it out soon enough, the running time would have
been less than the length of a Nike commercial.
She does love one man after Mr. Famous Impotent
Screenwriter, but he's Mr. Gay Director, so she seems to
be batting zero in the ol' romance department. Finally,
Zadora goes insane and in her feverish, insane dreams
she sees all her exploiters spinning around her
She cleverly deduces from the "people in her life
spinning around on a keyboard" metaphor that her
subconscious mind is telling her to write her own story,
so she does, the very story which we are now watching,
and that leads her back to the Generic Awards Show seen
in the opening scene. Yeah, as if the very script we are
now watching could be nominated for a Generic Award.
Let's cut to the chase. Despite the fact that the film
she has written is this very film, one of the worst
screenplays of all time, she wins the Generic Award for
Best Screenplay. This allows us to see and hear some
things which we aren't likely to experience in reality.
The first is Pia Zadora holding a Generic Award.
The second is her memorable acceptance speech, in which
she pulls the ultimate mic drop. She declaims, "I don't
suppose I'm the only one who's had to fuck her way to
the top," then sets down her award and walks out of the
auditorium alone, into the anonymity of the night, while
the crowd jeers, the credits roll, and the singer sings
the haunting "Lonely Lady Ballad."