"The Substitute 4: Failure is not an Option"

The Substitute 4: Failure is not an Option (2001) was funded by HBO, and has Treat Williams reprising his role yet again. This time, however, he is not kicking minority ass in inner city schools. He is asked by a General friend to go undercover at the Georgia Military Academy where his grandson is a student. Seems that the school has radically changed character with a new commandant, and his grandson has broken off contact after becoming a member of the elite "Werewolf Squad." It soon becomes obvious that the commandant, Patrick Kilpatrick, is a white supremacist training his own private army to attack minority businesses. Treat becomes involved with the school doctor, Angie Everhart, meets the other two men that have also infiltrated the school, and investigates. Of course there is the inevitable showdown.

Everhart shows breasts in two awkward sex scenes. One-time wonder, K.C. Powe also shows breasts in a sex scene that was much more explicit before the MPAA had its way with the film. IMDb readers give it 4.3. With a female breast count of for, some good performances, and some nice martial arts action, it is diverting enough that I was not tempted to fast forward. This is a C.

  • Thumbnails
  • Thumbnails
  • Thumbnails
  • Thumbnails

  • Angie Everhart (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
  • KC Powe (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    9 Songs (2004):

    More of Margo Stilley in the arty hardcore porn flick directed by mainstream director Michael Winterbottom. Not too much sex today, but still plenty of nudity. Much smaller clips today.


    Submerged (2005):

    Totally silly Steven Seagal movie, a failure even by Seagal's lax standards, but I had fun rippin' on it. Since many pictures are involved, read the review at the Movie House

    • Opening credits nudity (1, 2, 3)


    Devour (2005):

    At first, this film seemed to have some potential. Some pretty good young actors get the film started promisingly in what seems to be a scary variation on "the online game can draw you in, control you, then kill you" plot. The film manages to generate some suspense by manipulating the kids into a state where they have waking nightmares in which they commit horrible acts ordered by the game. The cool, albeit sometimes irritating, thing about that is that they don't know whether they actually committed the acts, because some are real, and some nightmares. The audience gets tricked in both directions. After seeing a couple of grisly acts that turned out to be nightmares, I thought another one was a nightmare, only to find it was real. Yes, I know that's kind of a cheap and confusing device, but it worked - well, once, anyway.

    Except then the entire movie sort of merges into a Satanic version of The Last Starfighter, where Lucifer is using the online game, The Pathway, to determine which humans would make ideal candidates for his A-Team. Up through that point the film is still kind of interesting, but there is an ongoing hint that something will eventually go very wrong when we see mysterious unexplained flashbacks of people running through the woods and men walking around in black porcupine costumes.

    And then everything does go wrong. It turns out that the entire game was designed for one kid. It seems that the lad was promised to Satan when he was born, but some do-gooders interrupted the ritual, and Satan and the kid's mom have been trying to re-claim him ever since. Or something like that. The whole resolution seemed to be maddeningly cryptic and vague. I'm sure the game must have been relevant somehow, but I lost interest in the film when the guy in the porcupine costume showed up. I think that was supposed to be Satan, but I don't know or care. There are a lot of bodies, and it finally seems to be one of those Angel Heart things where it turns out that the kid trying to solve the murders actually committed all of the murders himself.

    Or did he?

    • Noelle Reno (1, 2)
    • Jenn Griffin
    • Dominique Swain (no nudity, but pretty sexy stuff) (1, 2, 3, 4)


    Other Crap:

    Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

    Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap




    Here are the latest movie reviews available at


    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    Jr's Polls are the results of our recent "Most Overrated Movie" poll

    .Email Scoopy Jr. if suggestions for future polls.

    Here are the results of our previous polls:
    The Top 20 Nude Scenes of 2004
    The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 80s
    The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 90s
    Which actress has been the most convincing playing a stripper.
    Who has the best bum in Hollywood?
    Best All Time Television Comedy
    Best Nudity in an Oscar-winning performance
    The Top 20 Best Straight Sex Scenes
    Best Lesbian Love Scenes

    'Caps and comments by Hankster:

    Today we have "Hankster Light" and a "Babe in Bondage" all rolled into one.

    Today it's Gladys Jimenez in a straight to video release called "Bound by Lies". She gives us great boobs fresh out of the shower and trying to seduce her husband. Then some cleavage in a sexy blouse, and finally all tied up by the bad guy. She's fully clothed, but look for the pokies :-)

    Not a great movie, but not all that bad either.

    'Caps and comments by Spaz:

    "National Lampoon's Barely Legal" (2003) aka "After School Special" aka "Almost Legal"
    A North-American/German production which is a sex comedy about a bunch of high school students who recruit strippers to make porn movies. It's still awaiting a North American release although it did get a crucial MPAA R-rating for being very naughty. However it is available on DVD in Germany as Almost Legal next to the shyster videos.

    Catherine Keener
    (1, 2, 3)

    Here we see the co-star of "Being John Malkovich" and "Death to Smoochy" in a topless scene from 1995's "Living in Oblivion". Look for her on screen later this summer in "The 40 Year-Old Virgin", starring Steve Carell.

    Tiziana Lodato
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
    Clelia Rondinella
    (1, 2, 3)

    Both ladies show off some very lovely breast exposure in scenes from the Italian movie "L'Uomo delle stelle" aka "The Star Maker" (1995). Lodato also shows a bit of pubes in #2. The only down side is that the lighting kinda stinks in most of the nude scenes.

    Catherine Naglestad See-thru and brief toplessness in scenes from the German movie/opera, "Alcina" (2000).

    Adele Landauer Showing off some nice breast views in scenes from an episode of the German series "Frankenberg".

    Andrea Sawatzki Topless and also showing just a hint of pubes in scenes from "Polizeiruf 110 - Gänseblümchen" (1997).

    Katja Weitzenböck Baring her bum and also showing brief breat and pubes views in scenes from "Gebürtig" (2002).

    Silvia Vas Going topless and giving up just a hint of pubes in scenes from "Liebe Lügen" (1997).

    Fran Drescher
    (1, 2)

    Mr. Nude Celeb catches a brief glimpse of "The Nanny" topless in scenes from the Robin Williams/Tim Robbins movie "Cadillac Man" (1990).

    Terri Susan Smith
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

    Señor Skin 'caps of Smith showing off her big'uns in scenes from her one and only IMDb credit, the 1982 mega-lo budget alleged horror movie "Basket Case". The horrible creature effects (links 6-7) have earned this flick a little bit of cult status among genre fans (enough to have two sequels made), but personally I didn't 'get it'. However, Smith did look good nekkid!

    Pat Reeder
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    Yeah, Yeah, Yeah... - Private eye Gordon Novel, who says Michael Jackson stiffed him for a $5,000 fee, told Vanity Fair that Michael is "scared silly" and kept asking him what prison is like and if he can he watch TV and movies there, and poutily demanding that he "stop this show" (the trial). He said Michael believes he's on trial because the DA, the judge and Sony Records conspired to take away his Beatles song rights. Novel told him if he wants to be acquitted, stop wearing clothes and makeup that make him look like a weirdo pedophile, go out with girls and stop fooling around with kids. Michael said, "No, I just want to be me."

  • A weirdo pedophile, and proud of it!
  • Michael has a secret legal strategy: If the jury says he's guilty, he'll pull out a remote and change channels.
  • He's terrified of prison, but he wouldn't mind going to juvie.
  • Novel told him that prison is like "Oz," and Michael said, "Goody! Can I be the Wizard?!"

    From The Journal "Duh" - In a year-long study, Kansas State University masters student Courtney Fea found that compliments make women feel better. It took only one compliment a day to improve test subjects' mood, and it didn't matter if they were complimented on their bodies or their personalities.

  • So if you want to compliment a woman, say she has a "great personality."
  • It also didn't matter if they deserved it.
  • How did they react to "You don't sweat much for a fat chick"?

    Researchers Are Such Geeks - A University of Virginia study found that popular "cool" teenagers are more likely to drink, smoke pot, shoplift and vandalize things than less popular teens, such as geeks.

  • But geeks would do it, if they thought it would make them popular.
  • The researchers conducted the study by watching "Grease" five times.

    Good Christian - Christian Slater was charged with groping a woman late at night on a New York street, but strippers from the Scores club told the New York Post they believe it's a false accusation. They say he never touches them, even when they're waving their bare 36-Ds in his face. He just compliments them and is a perfect gentleman.

  • That's why they call it a "gentleman's club": because it's filled with perfect gentlemen.
  • He knows that compliments make a woman feel better.
  • Maybe he grabbed the plaintiff's breast because he'd never felt real ones before.

    His Is On-Key - Adding fuel to Internet rumors that "American Idol 4" was rigged, loser Bo Bice's single of "Inside Your Heaven" and "Vehicle," which won't be released until late July, is already #1 at Barnes & Noble from advance orders. Winner Carrie Underwood's version of "Inside Your Heaven" and "Independence Day" is only #16.

  • And Ryan Seacrest's version is #12,403.
  • And now, Simon Cowell will have to order 24 million copies of Carrie's CD.
  • This is the first time a pretty, blonde, white girl from Oklahoma knows it feels to be Ruben Studdard.
  • If that hideous song is #1, the charts must be rigged.

  • A quick site note
    Hey gang, we invite you to check out our new affiliate program at

    If you have your own site or blog, sign up today and earn some extra cash in 2005 by promoting the Fun House!