"The Substitute 4: Failure is not an Option"
The Substitute 4: Failure is not an Option (2001) was funded by HBO, and has Treat Williams reprising his role yet again. This time, however, he is not kicking minority ass in inner city schools. He is asked by a General friend to go undercover at the Georgia Military Academy where his grandson is a student. Seems that the school has radically changed character with a new commandant, and his grandson has broken off contact after becoming a member of the elite "Werewolf Squad." It soon becomes obvious that the commandant, Patrick Kilpatrick, is a white supremacist training his own private army to attack minority businesses. Treat becomes involved with the school doctor, Angie Everhart, meets the other two men that have also infiltrated the school, and investigates. Of course there is the inevitable showdown.
Everhart shows breasts in two awkward sex scenes. One-time wonder, K.C. Powe also shows breasts in a sex scene that was much more explicit before the MPAA had its way with the film. IMDb readers give it 4.3. With a female breast count of for, some good performances, and some nice martial arts action, it is diverting enough that I was not tempted to fast forward. This is a C.
|Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
9 Songs (2004):
More of Margo Stilley in the arty hardcore porn flick directed by
mainstream director Michael Winterbottom. Not too much sex today,
but still plenty of nudity. Much smaller clips today.
Totally silly Steven Seagal movie, a failure even by Seagal's lax
standards, but I had fun rippin' on it. Since many pictures are
involved, read the review at the Movie House
- Opening credits nudity (1,
At first, this film seemed to have some potential. Some pretty
good young actors get the film started promisingly in what seems to
be a scary variation on "the online game can draw you in, control
you, then kill you" plot. The film manages to generate some suspense
by manipulating the kids into a state where they have waking
nightmares in which they commit horrible acts ordered by the game.
The cool, albeit sometimes irritating, thing about that is that they
don't know whether they actually committed the acts, because some
are real, and some nightmares. The audience gets tricked in both
directions. After seeing a couple of grisly acts that turned out to
be nightmares, I thought another one was a nightmare, only to find
it was real. Yes, I know that's kind of a cheap and confusing
device, but it worked - well, once, anyway.
Except then the entire movie sort of merges into a Satanic
version of The Last Starfighter, where Lucifer is using the online
game, The Pathway, to determine which humans would make ideal
candidates for his A-Team. Up through that point the film is still
kind of interesting, but there is an ongoing hint that something
will eventually go very wrong when we see mysterious unexplained
flashbacks of people running through the woods and men walking
around in black porcupine costumes.
And then everything does go wrong. It turns out that the entire
game was designed for one kid. It seems that the lad was promised to
Satan when he was born, but some do-gooders interrupted the ritual,
and Satan and the kid's mom have been trying to re-claim him ever
since. Or something like that. The whole resolution seemed to be
maddeningly cryptic and vague. I'm sure the game must have been
relevant somehow, but I lost interest in the film when the guy in
the porcupine costume showed up. I think that was supposed to be
Satan, but I don't know or care. There are a lot of bodies, and it
finally seems to be one of those Angel Heart things where it turns
out that the kid trying to solve the murders actually committed all
of the murders himself.
Or did he?
- Noelle Reno (1,
- Jenn Griffin
- Dominique Swain (no nudity, but pretty sexy stuff) (1,
Hal Holbrook to combine his two greatest toles, will star in "Mark
Elderly heart patients were moved from their beds in an Australian
hospital so that pop diva Kylie Minogue could have an entire ward
for herself when she underwent breast cancer surgery last month
Ms Minogue was given eight rooms. Why should anyone be upset? Have
they never heard of the divine right of celebrities? (NOTE: a
commenter said on othercrap.com that the rumor is that she
actually used a breast cancer operation as a cover up for an
operation to repair botched plastic surgery. I had not heard this
"OUTSOURCE YOUR OWN JOB! THEN GOOF OFF ALL DAY AND STILL GET PAID"
- "Through the Internet, you can find someone in India or
Pakistan who'll be willing to do your job in exchange for 10
percent of your salary. Then you can kick back, relax and spend
all day chatting with pals on-line, playing videogames, cruising
the Net for porn or whatever suits your fancy - while your
clueless boss thinks you're slaving away in your cubicle."
A tribute to Goatse. If you don't know what Goatse is,
here's the lowdown.
USA TODAY: Has Tom Cruise gone mad?
Ernie Ford's bleak folk song "16 Tons" is being used to sell a
comeback for coal!! Ford's song is about how coal
mining is futile and inescapable - "I owe my soul to the company
- Did you know?
Wacky movie director David Lynch does a daily weather report.
Nothing funny or creative about it, just a regular old
weather report from his official personal site, delivered in his
flat, nasal, upper-Midwest accent.
- This site is obsessed with those painted wall ads from the
past which still persevere in faded form, usually in older
Old, Obsolete, and Faded Ads
Anti-homosexual film from 1961, targeted at teenage boys, urging
them to avoid encounters with potential molesters.
- For Weird Al fans:
The world's largest twine ball
The Advertising Slogan Hall of Fame
Latino Review has a few interesting new teaser posters.
Here is their accompanying blurb:
- "First up we've got a teaser poster for 16 BLOCKS, starring
BRUCE WILLIS and MOS DEF: Film follows a misanthropic, depressed
cop who has to accompany a cheerful loser along 16 blocks in New
York City to a courthouse to make sure nothing happens. Of
course, many things do. Next, LONELY HEARTS starring John
Travolta and Salma Hayek: Based on the true story of the 1940s'
Lonely Hearts Killers, this detective drama focuses on the two
homicide detectives who eventually brought the killers — Martha
Beck and Raymond Martinez Fernandez, who lured victims using
personal ads — to justice. We also got BASIC INSTINCT 2: RISK
ADDICTION, starring Sharon Stone and David Morrissey. The film
follows Sharon Stone's Catherine Tramell who relocates from San
Francisco to London and quickly finds herself on the wrong side
of the law. And END GAME starring Cuba Gooding Jr: A Secret
Service agent (Cuba Gooding Jr.) partners with a reporter (Angie
Harmon) to uncover a conspiracy to assassinate the president.
Finally THE WICKER MAN starring Nicolas Cage: In this remake of
the 1973 flick, a sheriff tries to discover what happened to a
young girl who has disappeared on an island off the coast of
Maine. Things turn strange when he discovers a creepy neo-pagan
society, the members of which may or may not have sacrificed the
girl in a ritual."
The Weekend Warrior takes a look at the upcoming weekend in movies.
This is a tough one to call. He thinks that Cinderella Man will
debut no higher than fourth, while Madagascar climbs to #1 from
last weekend's #3 spot, barely beating out those wacky Sith.
Warrior is not excited about the box office potential for Lords of
This week's theater counts: Cinderella Man 2800,
Sisterhood 2500, Dogtown 1800, Rock School 50, all others less
Rock School - 82% positive reviews. This is the
documentary version of the same "dedicated teacher" story which
was presented in a fictional format in the Jack Black movie.
- This week's movies:
Lords of Dogtown - only 33% positive reviews for the
much-ballyhooed skateboarding epic, but that's based on
a mere six reviews, and Owen Gleiberman of Entertainment Weekly
- This week's movies:
Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants - 86% positive reviews
for the sweet female-coming-of-age flick.
Deep Blue - 80% positive reviews, including some review
which are virtually hymns of praise.
- This week's movies
Cinderella Man - 89% positive reviews, including many
glowing raves for Russell Crowe's performance in this story about
a real boxer.
- The Cruise connection?
War of the Worlds poster versus cover of an L. Ron Hubbard novel.
Oddjack - for people who are obsessed with betting on everything.
I don't know if I agree with their odds on the national spelling
bee. A good handicapper could clean up.
- Regular readers know that I used to live and work in Norway,
where nothing ever happens. The front page of the Oslo newspaper
used to contain stories about trivial matters like
purse-snatchings at the airport. Oh, that we all should live in
such a place! That is to say nothing ever happened ... until now.
Today's earth-shattering headline:
"Temperatures rise over soccer bread" ... "a bake shop
employee has received death threats for selling Vålerenga-brand
bread in Lillestrøm country. Tone Melgård of Baker Nordby said the
bakery was taking the situation seriously and was considering
filing a police report." Where else can it make the headlines when
somebody is "considering" filing a police report?
- OOPS! I guess I declared the headline of the day too soon.
"Karaoke toilet death mars school fundraiser"
As Dave Barry noted in his blog, the NBA is really getting more
interesting. Check out the picture, then read the
- Headline of the day:
"Military told to wear underpants". Ironically, this
means that commandos will not be able to go commando. Wait, maybe
that's not irony. Whatever.
The Daily Show looks at the developments of the past two weeks.
(Stewart has been on vacation.)
The Daily Show's Rob Corddry looks at high gas prices.
(One of Corddry's best reports)
Conan O'Brien presents some rejected Star Wars characters
The trailer for the international horror/thriller, The Ordeal (Calvaire)
- Laurent Lucas plays lounge singer Marc Stevens, a handsome
and affable chap who has his van break down between
Christmastime gigs. Late at night, in the pouring rain, Marc
unwisely heeds the advice of Belgian lunatic Boris and treks off
into the night. He's looking for a well-off-the-beaten-path
little hotel... and boy does he find it. Nestled firmly in the
middle of Inbred County, Belgium, is the Hotel Bartel. The owner
is a lonely little freak, but Marc thinks nothing of the dank
desolation before settling in for an overnight stay. Mr. Bartel
promises to have Marc's van up and running in short order, but
we all know that's not very likely. Marc spends his afternoon
wandering the countryside, and he soon comes across a barn in
which several gibbering goons are having sex with livestock. He
heads back to the hotel. Before too long, Marc realizes that Mr.
Bartel (and the perpetually popping-up Boris) are more than a
little off their respective rockers, and he decides to hit the
road, period. Big mistake, Marc. Seems that the whacked-out
hotel-master has grown, shall we say 'attached', to his current
visitor. Thus begins a descent into nastiness that involves
handcuffs, bear traps, shorn scalps and rape.
- Why do I have the feeling that I've already seen this horror
film? Is this the feeling of deja boo?
Ancient rocker Rod Stewart set to enjoy fatherhood again.
Creationists believe that he now has children from every
generation in the history of mankind. Some theorize that he may
have been Cain's real dad.
The trailer, two TV spots and a featurette from The Perfect Man,
The PG "tweener chick flick" is a romantic comedy "fixing up mom"
comedy starring Hilary Duff and Heather Locklear.
A new featurette about The Island, featuring an advance
Strawberry Field's not forever after all
You have a small dick because your mom's kitchen had a vinyl
floor. No kidding!
- "The higher the levels of the chemical compound phthalates
in the mothers during the final months of pregnancy, the less
masculine their boys were when examined by pediatricians"
- "Phthalates are used as plasticizers, solvents, coatings and
perfume fixatives. They are in hundreds of products, including
food packaging, coatings on time-released medicines, soap,
shampoo, nail polish, hair sprays, detergents, and vinyl
- On the other side of the equation, here is the
Phthalates Information Center, which basically claims
that phthalates are better for you than fruits, vegetables, and
yea, even water itself.
Hollywood and sports stars to compete in golf tournament.
The Event is Organized by Ant and Dec, two men who are kinda
difficult to describe to those outside the UK. They are successful
pop recording stars and also the hosts of a slapstick Saturday
morning kiddie show. I don't know of any equivalent to them in the
USA, possibly excepting John Ashcroft.
Gag order placed on Pitt-Jolie interviews. "Journalists
interviewing Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie about their upcoming
movie are being asked not to inquire about whether the pair are
having an off-screen relationship."
- They didn't call him Tricky Dick for nothin'. Richard Nixon
was a deeply flawed man, but nobody's fool. This three year old
"Many people, including Nixon, have expressed the opinion that
Deep Throat was W. Mark Felt, then deputy director of the FBI."
Star Trek XI "In Two Or Three Years"
Moist Towelettes to Wash Away Your Sins
As of yesterday, X3 has no director
Doctors have revealed that G-strings are bad for women's health
and should be banned.
SCIENTISTS SEEK EXPLANATION FOR POPULARITY OF PARIS HILTON
Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the
since it's sorta in real time.
to submit a URL for Other Crap
are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the
review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that
there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written
by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too
ashamed to admit it.
Finally...here are the results of our recent "Most Overrated Movie" poll
.Email Scoopy Jr. if suggestions for future polls.
Here are the results of our previous polls:
The Top 20 Nude Scenes of 2004
The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 80s
The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 90s
Which actress has been the most convincing playing a stripper.
Who has the best bum in Hollywood?
Best All Time Television Comedy
Best Nudity in an Oscar-winning performance
The Top 20 Best Straight Sex Scenes
Best Lesbian Love Scenes
'Caps and comments by Hankster:
Today we have "Hankster Light" and a "Babe in Bondage" all rolled into one.
Today it's Gladys Jimenez in a straight to video release called "Bound by Lies". She gives us great boobs fresh out of the shower and trying to seduce her husband. Then some cleavage in a sexy blouse, and finally all tied up by the bad guy. She's fully clothed, but look for the pokies :-)
Not a great movie, but not all that bad either.
'Caps and comments by Spaz:
"National Lampoon's Barely Legal" (2003) aka "After School Special" aka
A North-American/German production which is a
sex comedy about a bunch of high school students
who recruit strippers to make porn movies.
It's still awaiting a North American release
although it did get a crucial MPAA R-rating
for being very naughty. However it is available on
DVD in Germany as Almost Legal next to the
|Here we see the co-star of "Being John Malkovich" and "Death to Smoochy" in a topless scene from 1995's "Living in Oblivion". Look for her on screen later this summer in "The 40 Year-Old Virgin", starring Steve Carell.
|Both ladies show off some very lovely breast exposure in scenes from the Italian movie "L'Uomo delle stelle" aka "The Star Maker" (1995). Lodato also shows a bit of pubes in #2. The only down side is that the lighting kinda stinks in most of the nude scenes.
||See-thru and brief toplessness in scenes from the German movie/opera, "Alcina" (2000).
||Showing off some nice breast views in scenes from an episode of the German series "Frankenberg".
||Topless and also showing just a hint of pubes in scenes from "Polizeiruf 110 - Gänseblümchen" (1997).
||Baring her bum and also showing brief breat and pubes views in scenes from "Gebürtig" (2002).
||Going topless and giving up just a hint of pubes in scenes from "Liebe Lügen" (1997).
|Mr. Nude Celeb catches a brief glimpse of "The Nanny" topless in scenes from the Robin Williams/Tim Robbins movie "Cadillac Man" (1990).
|Terri Susan Smith
|Señor Skin 'caps of Smith showing off her big'uns in scenes from her one and only IMDb credit, the 1982 mega-lo budget alleged horror movie "Basket Case". The horrible creature effects (links 6-7) have earned this flick a little bit of cult status among genre fans (enough to have two sequels made), but personally I didn't 'get it'. However, Smith did look good nekkid!
|Pat Reeder www.comedy-wire.com
Pat's comments in yellow...
MICHAEL JACKSON TRIAL UPDATE
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah... - Private eye Gordon Novel, who says Michael Jackson
stiffed him for a $5,000 fee, told Vanity Fair that Michael is "scared
silly" and kept asking him what prison is like and if he can he watch TV
and movies there, and poutily demanding that he "stop this show" (the
trial). He said Michael believes he's on trial because the DA, the judge
and Sony Records conspired to take away his Beatles song rights. Novel
told him if he wants to be acquitted, stop wearing clothes and makeup that
make him look like a weirdo pedophile, go out with girls and stop fooling
around with kids. Michael said, "No, I just want to be me."
A weirdo pedophile, and proud of it!
Michael has a secret legal strategy: If the jury says he's guilty, he'll
pull out a remote and change channels.
He's terrified of prison, but he wouldn't mind going to juvie.
Novel told him that prison is like "Oz," and Michael said, "Goody! Can
I be the Wizard?!"
NEWS OF THE PAINFULLY OBVIOUS
From The Journal "Duh" - In a year-long study, Kansas State University
masters student Courtney Fea found that compliments make women feel better.
It took only one compliment a day to improve test subjects' mood, and it
didn't matter if they were complimented on their bodies or their
So if you want to compliment a woman, say she has a "great personality."
It also didn't matter if they deserved it.
How did they react to "You don't sweat much for a fat chick"?
Researchers Are Such Geeks - A University of Virginia study found that
popular "cool" teenagers are more likely to drink, smoke pot, shoplift and
vandalize things than less popular teens, such as geeks.
But geeks would do it, if they thought it would make them popular.
The researchers conducted the study by watching "Grease" five times.
SLATER CHARGED WITH GROPING, DEFENDED BY STRIPPERS
Good Christian - Christian Slater was charged with groping a woman late at
night on a New York street, but strippers from the Scores club told the New
York Post they believe it's a false accusation. They say he never touches
them, even when they're waving their bare 36-Ds in his face. He just
compliments them and is a perfect gentleman.
That's why they call it a "gentleman's club": because it's filled with
He knows that compliments make a woman feel better.
Maybe he grabbed the plaintiff's breast because he'd never felt real
"AMERICAN IDOL" UPDATE: BO OUTSELLING CARRIE
His Is On-Key - Adding fuel to Internet rumors that "American Idol 4" was
rigged, loser Bo Bice's single of "Inside Your Heaven" and "Vehicle," which
won't be released until late July, is already #1 at Barnes & Noble from
advance orders. Winner Carrie Underwood's version of "Inside Your Heaven"
and "Independence Day" is only #16.
And Ryan Seacrest's version is #12,403.
And now, Simon Cowell will have to order 24 million copies of Carrie's
This is the first time a pretty, blonde, white girl from Oklahoma knows
it feels to be Ruben Studdard.
If that hideous song is #1, the charts must be rigged.
|A quick site note
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