Saturday

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Since You've Been Gone (1998 TV movie) is a made for TV comedy about a 10th High School reunion. Unless gags like a women getting stuck to a toilette seat with superglue, or sticking a sign on the back of the former class president that says "I am stupid" appeal to you, you will probably find it as devoid of humor as I did. Despite a good cast, the move had no plot, no real pace, and did not really explore any of the characters. The only high point was a brief glimpse of a breast belonging to Lara Flynn Boyle while doing it in a jeep in the parking lot. Otherwise, it was a lot of uninteresting conversation among a bunch of losers.

IMDB readers say 5.2 of 10. It scores highest (7.2) with women under 18, and lowest (3.7) with males over 45. Put me squarely in that last group. High School reunions have been done time and again, and usually have a slasher, or at least some sexual intrigue or someone with a personal agenda to make them interesting. This film had none of that. Rather, it was as boring as a real High School reunion. While that might count as truth in film making, it does not make for entertainment, and there is nothing to be learned. It is technically competent. C-.

La Nina de tus Ojos is a terrific Spanish film from the Tuna Spanish collection, about the uneasy relations between two fascist governments in the 30's, as they try to produce a joint German-Spanish movie. The story is told through the eyes of the Spanish actors in Germany. Funny movie, with an underlying serious point. Has a great look, which I hope to have captured just a little of in the collages.

• Penelope Cruz (1, 2, 3, 4)

Beat is about the first generation of Beat Writers, focusing on the unusual relationship between William Burroughs and his wife. It tries to capture the spirit of the beats in the spirit of the film. Interesting experiment. I was impressed with it in some ways, but really found it too talky and static. The big surprise for me - Ron Livingstone, known for youth comedies, did a credible job as beat poet Allen Ginsberg.

• Courtney Love (1, 2)

Other crap:

• Nicolas Cage sells his comic books for $1.6 million. Jeez, I'll bet I could get a lot for mine as well. I'm so old that in my childhood comics the Joker wasn't even working alone yet. He was still part of the Terrible Trio, with the Smoker, and the Midnight Toker. The Smoker didn't seem to be a dangerous opponent at the time, but Batman underestimated him. Years later, Robin developed this terrible cough, and then, not much later, there was an empty bed in Stately Wayne Manor.

• Sleaze in Hollywood. Those two ultra-hunks with fabulous hair, Lorenzo Lamas and Shauna Sand, have broken up because Lamas was trying to pimp Sand out as an "escort" and other sleazy stuff. Allegedly, Sand was abusing Lamas physically! That and the fact that Shauna thought her father-in-law was actually Ricardo Montalban.

• Courteney Cox is dropping the Arquette from her name. Can't say I blame her. Why did she marry that guy? Was Carrottop unavailable? According to the story, their relationship is fine, she's just changing her name. In the same article, you'll find the early front runners for this year's Razzies. Madonna looks good for Swept Away, and Eddie Murphy is lookin' mighty fine for Pluto Nash.

• German zookeepers suspended for barbecuing animals from the petting zoo. I've already hired them for Scoopy's Politically Incorrect Restaurant, where you can hunt and kill your own Cameroonian Sheep, then eat him - now available in regular, or new German BBQ style.

• Marshall Faulk takes his ball and goes home, because that mean old Bob Costas was picking on him. Boy, that'll reverse the schoolyard bully thing, eh? Big bad Marshall scared of a guy who can still wear Garanimals.

• According to these guys, Osama is alive, but is one chubby mother. Apparently he is living in the back room of a Dunkin' Donuts in Dubai.

• Bill Clinton trying to become the center square in Henry Winkler's "Hollywood Squares". Hopes to use his new status to meet Charo.

• the philosophy of the oompa-loompas

• In a major career change, Booger (Curtis Armstrong)  to play a hit man in "Irish Eyes"

• Saddam Hussein campaigns for re-election. In the last election, he scored only 99.89% of the votes, and he's hoping to improve. I didn't make any of this up:

  "Party officials have chosen the Whitney Houston song I Will Always Love You as the campaign theme tune. The song accompanies the dawn-to-dusk election broadcasts on the three state-controlled television stations, which feature almost continuous footage of Saddam. He is shown praying, kissing children, firing an ancient rifle one-handed, waving to the masses and striking heroic poses.

  Saddam has a different costume for each scenario — the man-about-town in his black leather trilby, the Iraqi warrior in his army beret and green fatigues, the Arab statesman in his black-and-white keffiyeh. "

   

   

   

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Three of the most pleasant words e'er spoken in English must be: Traci Bingham naked. Really. Seriously.

Here she is in the Battleship Potemkin of plotless nekkid babe CD's: Exposed: TV's Lifeguard Babes. This is, in fact, Traci in her pre-enhanced days. And the star of the show is her uber-wonderful, el terrifico, hubba-hubba bumma. You got Traci's perfect posterior in a long scene with her a-dancin in nothing but a thong and a little white top (collages 3-6), and you got it completely bare as she stands up (collage 2), as she turns and walks away from the camera (collage 9) and as she lays down in the sand (collages 14 and 19).

Then there is Traci topless as crawls toward the camera in two separate scenes (collages 10-12, 16-17, 19-20) and as the camera pans from above (collage 15, which also shows off that perfecto bum of hers again).

Finally, you have Traci full frontal as a flimsy little wet piece of cloth slips out the way here and there (collages 1 and 6-8).

Other scenes in this CD seemed to go on a bit too long; this one ended way too soon.

• Traci Bingham (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20)

• Unknown, see-thru breast exposure.
• Carmen Kass, long legs, partial bum views and a low cut top.
• Marcelle Bittar, nipples exposed.
• Jeisa Chiminazzo, great see-thru breast sightings.
• Ann Oost, a little see-thru breast visibility.

CONGRESS OKAYS IRAQ WAR Look In His Armpits - Thursday, both houses of Congress voted to give President Bush approval to wage war on Iraq if Saddam Hussein refuses to cooperate with the U.N. and destroy all weapons of mass destruction. An official in charge of Iraq's weapons programs denied having any weapons of mass destruction or any intention of producing them, but said if America commits a "foolish action against Iraq, we will teach them an unforgettable lesson."