The Professionals (1966) is an epic western with an all star cast. Four men are brought together by a wealthy rancher to rescue his kidnapped wife from Mexican revolutionaries. Each was selected based on skills and experience. The promise of $10,000.00 each is enough to lure them into this dangerous task. The group is lead by Lee Marvin, and includes Burt Lancaster, Robert Ryan and Woody Strode. They are off deep into Mexican territory to rescue Claudia Cardinale from Jack Palance. Of course this large group organized revolutionaries on their own turf are no match for our four stars, but there is a hitch. Cardinale was not kidnapped, but is in love with Palance.
Cardinale, in the European version, shows breasts. In the US version, there is a hint of her left breast, but the good exposure was digitally erased (see image three). Marie Gomez, as a revolutionary and woman who never says no, shows her left breast bathing at a well. IMDb readers have this at 7.4, and it was nominated for three Oscars, including director, writing and cinematography. The desert scenery was breathtaking, and it was a pleasure to watch these superstars at work. The only negative was a rather predictable story. This is a C+, a good watch for those who like the epic modern Western, were the good guys are not all good, the bad guys are not all bad, and nobody wears color coded hats.
|Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
How to tell you're a serious golfer? You play this ball rather
than take a penalty stroke.
Now open: World's First All-Glass Undersea Restaurant.
(Wouldn't be a very good article without the picture, but the
picture is pretty damned cool.)
Star Wars Toys That Never Were
Vanishing Point: How to disappear in America without a trace
Can you identify the Presidential Hair?
Tim's badly drawn cat web site ... proving once and
for all that people really can't draw cats...
Antonio Banderas has joined Jennifer Lopez in the indie
thriller BORDERTOWN. Oh, I know that cast seems
like a red flag, but the film might actually be good. Maybe.
The director is Gregory Nava, who is the best director nobody
ever heard of. El Norte and Mi Familia are excellent movies,
but Nava sort of pigeonholed himself as a specialist in Latino
movies, and he hasn't made a movie in many years. Nava
completed the last turn-off on the road to obscurity when his
last movie wasn't much good in a city where you're only as
good as your last movie.
Four clips of Jiminy Glick in La La Wood . And, I
might add, four of the most irritating clips ever seen,
despite charming, good natured, self deprecating appearances
by Kurt Russell and wacko director David Lynch. Glick's wife
is played by SNL alumna Jan Hooks. You know, I've always
oppposed eugenics, but I sure hope they've sterilized Martin
Two trailers and two new clips for Ladies in Lavender
- "Set in picturesque coastal Cornwall, in a tight-knit
fishing village in the 1930's, 'Ladies in Lavender' boasts
the cream of British acting talent as Oscar and BAFTA
award-winners Dame Judi Dench ('Iris,' 'Chocolat,' recent
'James Bond' films) and Dame Maggie Smith ('Gosford Park,'
'Tea with Mussolini,' the 'Harry Potter' films) play the
leading roles of sisters Ursula (Dench) and Janet Widdington
(Smith). Rising German talent and award-winning Daniel Bruhl
('Goodbye Lenin!') plays Andrea. A gifted young Jewish
violinist from Krakow, Andrea is bound for America when he
is swept overboard by a fierce storm. When the Widdington
sisters discover the handsome and mysterious stranger on the
beach below their house, they nurse him back to health.
However, the presence of the musically talented young man
disrupts the peaceful lives of Ursula and Janet and the
community in which they live."
- I've already got my calendar marked to see this on
Friday, but only if my surgeon can fit me in for a
penisectomy on Thursday
The trailer and four clips from Up for Grabs
- "Michael Wranovics' 'Up for Grabs' might have been
considered the next can't-miss mock-umentary, except it's
all REAL. This bitingly funny picture exposes the custody
fight that erupted over Barry Bonds' record-setting 73rd
home run ball. From the embattled litigants who wouldn't
settle, to the impassioned eyewitnesses and their
contradictory accounts, to the bemused reporters who covered
the bizarre case, Wranovics presents a rich cast of
characters who prove that truth is funnier than fiction.
With all the farcical qualities of 'This is Spinal Tap' or
'Best in Show,' 'Up for Grabs' invites us to laugh, and
sometimes cringe, at the outrageous behavior of two grown
men chasing down an elusive pot of gold. Winner of the
Audience Award for Best Documentary at the Los Angeles Film
Festival, 'Up for Grabs' tells a tale of absurdity that will
leave you muttering 'only in America.'"
The first ten minutes and six thousand additional clips from
XXX: State of the Union . Once again, the film
invokes subset B of the Mudd's Robots Paradox in that the sum
total of its clips is actually far longer than the film
itself. Therefore, if you watch the film, it is merely a
preview of the clips. This is a clear proof that, in fact,
time does curve back upon itself, thus implying not only that
General Relativity may be valid, but General Custer as well.
The trailer for Pure. This is some truly twisted
stuff about ... I don't know. Dreams and faith, and the new
Garden of Eden and, well ...
here's the official description, you figure it out.
Four new clips and a music video from The Hitchhiker's Guide
to the Galaxy
The trailer for George A. Romero's Land of the Dead
- ""George A. Romero's Land of the Dead" is the acclaimed
director's long-awaited return to the horror genre he
invented, beginning with the seminal "Night of the Living
Dead" and continuing with "Dawn of the Dead" and "Day of the
Dead". In this new tale, Romero creates a harrowing vision
of a modern-day world where the walking dead roam an
uninhabited wasteland and the living try to lead "normal"
lives behind the walls of a fortified city. A new society
has been built by a handful of enterprising, ruthless
opportunists, who live in the towers of a skyscraper, high
above the hard-scrabble existence on the streets below. But
outside the city walls, an army of the dead is evolving.
Inside, anarchy is on the rise. With the very survival of
the city at stake, a group of hardened mercenaries is called
into action to protect the living from an army of the dead."
- Didn't The Simpsons already do this in "Dial Z for
Zombie"? "Show's over, Shakespeare."
Tom Cruise is dating Katie Holmes. Katie certainly
climbed the Hollywood food chain rapidly from Chris Klein to
The Cruiser. The only think that surprises me about this is
... isn't Katie supposed to be kinda ... how do I word this
delicately ... "intelligent"? Maybe I am wrong about that but
if she is, what does she discuss with Cruise? I guess they
haven't made it to the "talking" stage yet.
Britney Spears has come last in poll of kids in the US to find
the Coolest Celebrity Mum. She finished just below
the woman Charlize played in Monster.
Weekly World News: "HEAVENLY BODIES - RUSSIAN ASTRONOMER
DISCOVERS X-RATED CONSTELLATIONS"
Weekly World News: "Now Here's A Hard Luck Story... MAN HAS
ERECTION FOR A YEAR!"
Tom DeLay busted smoking a Cuban cigar. DeLay once
said, "American consumers will get their fine cigars and their
cheap sugar, but at the cost of our national honor."
Scot says "lower the drinking age to zero". My kind
of guy, although he's probably really French.
Paula Abdul says the allegations are lies, and she
herself is not lying ... um ... starting NOW. "Paula Abdul is
taking pre-emptive measures to squash a controversy sparked by
an upcoming ABC special on 'American Idol.'"
A380 lifts Europe's aviation hopes.
- The new Jumbo Jet can hold the entire population of
Madrid, and includes an on-board bullfighting ring and real
working windmill. Passengers really love the sheer spectacle
of running of the bulls through the spacious aisles. The
crew includes eighty three officers, thousands of flight
attendants, twelve picadors, and a matador.
STAR WARS Heading to a Galaxy on the Small Screen
ESPN.com: "Judging the Philadelphia Eagles Cheerleaders 2005
ABC has been warned in writing it could face legal fallout for
airing its scathing behind-the-scenes look at FOX's AMERICAN
IDOL. FOX owner Rupert Murdoch has informed
executives that it appears ABC is attempting to maliciously
'destroy' the nation's most-watched series as it heads into
the final weeks.
"What do the Beatles, the Virgin Mary, Jesus, Patricia
Arquette and Michael Keaton all have in common? "
Beats me. I read the article, and I still don't know.
- Annie and Ted's excellent adventure?
Keanu Reeves and Diane Keaton are rumoured to be Hollywood's
newest odd couple.
The New York Times makes like Triumph the Insult Dog, and
poops on Katie Couric.
The Chicago Sun Times says Tina Fey is pregnant.
Britney mucho pregnant.
Jacko's ex-wife weeps at the child sex trial
Former Buccaneer dies like a character in a Shakespearean
tragedy. His name? Stanley Shakespeare. The rest is
Nice sexy video of Adriana Lima doing a Victoria Secret ad
"Silent Bob freaks out over REVENGE OF THE SITH! Posts Early
Review!" I don't think the studio will mind, since
he flat-out loved it. Sample quote: "'Revenge of the Sith' is,
quite simply, fucking awesome." (Total spoilers, not that it
matters, since the novelization has already been published.)
- If you really WANT the spoilers, here ya go:
High schools fined for fight at wrestling match.
Great story. Some kid beat Ric Flair's son in the real
wrestling match, then mimicked Ric Flair's victory strut, at
which point the match turned pro-style.
Ron Mexico name generator.
- Do you occasionally want to be as incognito as big name
football star Michael Vick becomes when he's disguised as
"Ron Mexico"? It has now been made extremely easy. You are
just a few seconds away from creating your own Ron Mexico
- My name would be really cool except that I can't
pronounce it: Jean-Claude Côte d'Ivoire. I guess I can just
be Johnny Ivory Coast, or Jack I. Coast.
Montage-a-google launcher. Make a montage from the
results of Google's image search.
Actress Maggie Gyllenhaal Makes Controversial Remarks About
9/11. Thank God she spoke up, eh? I was waiting on
this, unable to form my own opinion about 9/11 until I could
hear what all the celebrities had to say. I've almost decided
now, but I'm still waiting to hear from Lorenzo Lamas and
Imaginary Girlfriends - Real Girls, Imaginary Relationships!
The most expensive ZIP Codes in 2005
Doctors remove man's testicles, say "oops, we looked at the
"Meet Samir, the St. Louis auto mechanic who pulled Saddam
Hussein from his spider hole"
The Daily Show's Stephen Colbert reports from a "mega-church"
so big it has its own red light district.
Daily Show: Gaywatch. Ride the rainbow to Spain, where gay
marriage has been approved by the Casa De Representatives.
Daily Show: Pray It Forward: A veritable Who's Thou of the
religious right rallies behind the president's judicial
Jon Stewart talks to Ice Cube
Crown Prince Abdullah Yields to President Bush's Tough,
Non-Negotiable Demand That America Retain Its Proud Role as
Being Saudi Arabia's Favorite Bitch -
Beckhams sue their nanny. They're going to take her
for every penny she has. Both of them.
An R-rated clip from High Tension
- French film centers on two teen girls who settle in for
a relaxing weekend at a country farmhouse, unaware that a
violent intruder is speeding toward them to transform their
dreams into a relentless, bloody nightmare.
12 clips from Layer Cake
- 'Layer Cake,' a riveting thriller set in the drug
underworld of the UK, marks the directorial debut of
producer Mathew Vaughn ('Lock Stock and Two Smoking
Barrels,' 'Snatch') and stars Daniel Craig, Colm Meaney,
Kenneth Cranham, George Harris, Jamie Foreman, Sienna Miller
and Michael Gambon.
Herd of buffalo wanders around an upscale neighborhood in
Five clips from Crash
- A Brentwood housewife and her DA husband. A Persian
store owner. Two police detectives who are also lovers. A
black television director and his wife. A Mexican locksmith.
Two car-jackers. A rookie cop. A middle-aged Korean
couple... They all live in Los Angeles. And in the next 36
hours, they will all collide... A provocative, unflinching
look at the complexities of racial conflict in America,
"Crash" is that rare cinematic event – a film that
challenges audiences to question their own prejudices.
Diving headlong into the diverse melting pot of post-9/11
Los Angeles, this compelling urban drama tracks the volatile
intersections of a multi-ethnic cast, examining fear and
bigotry from multiple perspectives as characters careen in
and out of one another’s lives. No one is safe in the battle
zones of intolerance. And no one is immune to the simmering
rage that sparks violence – and changes lives... Funny,
powerful, and always unpredictable, "Crash" boldly explores
the gray area between black and white, victim and
aggressor...and finds no easy solutions."
- URL says it all:
BUSH TO WED SAUDI PRINCE ... Impending Nuptials
Alter President's Gay Marriage Stance
Here's the trailer for Serenity.
- The feature-length adaptation of Joss Whedon's TV show
"Firefly", set five hundred years in the future, aboard
Serenity, a transport ship captained by Capt. "Mal"
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie watch.
Who will the new James Bond be? Dame Dench says they have
decided on ... Pierce Brosnan. Was Sean Connery
Letterman's Top Ten Signs You've Hired A Bad Secretary
Letterman's "Top Ten Least Popular Prom Themes"
Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the
since it's sorta in real time.
to submit a URL for Other Crap
are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the
review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that
there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written
by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too
ashamed to admit it.
'Caps and comments by Brainscan:
Dahlia Gray started off in the nekid babe business as
Jami Dion, Penthouse Pet of the Month for March 1992.
Ten years later she spent a weekend tied up at
somebody's house and Andrew Blake was there to
photograph her. Meanwhile someone with a video camera
was there to shoot the whole shebang, which when
edited became Dahlia in Bondage. It shows up as an
added feature to Blake's Justine.
All of Blake's work is plotless photography of some
very nice looking women and since this is little more
than a documentary it has even less plot than the
usual fare. And since tying up women or watching
women get tied up is not exactly my cup o' tea, I
really skimmed through this short piece to find the
best images that were least obnoxious. Nine collages,
boobs in all, full-frontal in most, gynocam in 4, 5, 6
and 8. There are more things to see but nothing that
I wanted to work with. But hey, different stroke for
different folks... if bondage is your thing, this is
probably going to keep your attention.
|The Aussie actress bares breasts and a bit of bum in a dark and sweaty sex scene from "The Postcard Bandit" (links 1 and 2). We also have some partial breats views in another scene, as well as the usual cleavage and tight clothes.
|Topless in a dark love scene from the Aussie series "Wildside" (1997).
|The "Lord of the Rings" co-star briefly baring her breats in a skinny-dipping scene from 1995's "Sex Is a Four Letter Word".
||The Kiwi actress showing a bit of breast while reading in the tub. Scenes from "In My Father's Den" (2004).
||"Riding the Bullet" (2004) is the latest Stephen King movie to be released to video. Here we see Catherine Devine baring her breasts as nude art class model.
|Gyllenhaal in several submissive positions as well as going topless and full frontal in scenes from "Secretary".
|Snowblind 'caps of Mrs. Rob Zombie showing off her caboose and showing a little toplessness in scenes from "House of 1000 Corpses" (2003).
||Kitt 'caps of the "Better Off Dead" and "Last American Virgin" star going topless in scenes from "Amityville II: The Possession" (1982).
|Señor Skin 'caps of Griffis topless and full frontal in scenes from the 1994 baseball biopic "Cobb", starring Tommy Lee Jones.
|Pat Reeder www.comedy-wire.com
Pat's comments in yellow...
"AMERICAN IDOL" THREATENS TO SUE ABC
This Should Boost "A.I.'s" Ratings! - On May 4, ABC will air an expose of
"American Idol" that will reportedly include Corey Clark's claim of sex
with Paula Abdul and losers claiming the producers somehow manipulate the
results. "A.I."'s producers threatened a lawsuit if ABC airs false
charges, and an "Idol" insider told the Drudge Report that ABC is trying to
destroy a show that they can't beat in the ratings. Abdul's rep denied
Clark's claim, and Simon Cowell told "Extra" that Paula spends "more time
backstage with the contestants giving encouragement and everything else.
But that's not a bad thing!"
Depends on what the "everything else" she's giving them is.
William Hung figures it must be rigged or he would've won.
ABC will claim that "Idol's" producers choose pretty no-talents for
stardom and shove them down our throats...But enough about Ryan Seacrest.
REALLY DUMB DRUNK DRIVER ARRESTED
Drawn In Bloody Mary On A Cocktail Napkin - Mitchell Raulerson of Seville,
Florida, was arrested by Seminole County sheriff's deputies on his 16th
drunk driving charge, as well as driving on a permanently revoked license
and other charges. What first drew their attention was not his erratic
driving, but the fact that the license plate on his van was hand-drawn.
He created his own vanity plate: "D-R-U-N-K."
He'd hoped that his driving was so erratic, they wouldn't notice that.
BRITNEY WOULD BE LEAST COOL CELEBRITY MOM
They Have Low Expectations For Britney - For Mother's Day, America Online
asked 75,000 kids aged 6 to 12 whom they think would make the coolest
celebrity mom. Out of the available choices, they picked Jessica Simpson
first, followed closely by Jennifer Lopez, then Gwen Stefani. The only
candidate who's actually about to be a mother, Britney Spears, came in
They said "celebrity" moms.
Get the impression most of the kids they surveyed were 12-year-old boys?
If they think breast-feeding is cool, I can see why Jessica won.
DISNEY MOVIE SLAMMED FOR CANNIBAL SCENE
They Did Eat Sparrows - The leader of the 3,500 Carib people of Dominica is
threatening a boycott of Disney's "Pirates of the Caribbean" sequel unless
a scene of Captain Jack Sparrow being roasted on a spit is removed. He
said it perpetuates a false idea that their ancestors were cannibals, which
was spread by Spanish explorers to stigmatize the natives. A Disney
spokesman said it's just a silly, funny, "almost campy" scene in which
Johnny Depp is sprinkled with fruits and vegetables like a giant shish
That will save movie critics the trouble.
They say that's the ancient Carib recipe.
Disney's message to the Carib people: "Bite me!"
Disney's not afraid: their lawyers eat people for breakfast.
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