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Other Crap:
Who says we're not journalists?
The Sun does a hard-hitting exposé of celebrity nipples
"A teacher in St. Claire Shores, Mich., has been suspended over a
student-produced broadcast warning about the dangers of MySpace.com."
- If you read this carefully, you'll see that she was suspended
because she did the one thing that teachers should never do - she
was actually teaching something!
"AN asteroid capable of devastating an area the size of a
sub-continent has about a one in 1000 risk of hitting Earth on May
4, 2102"
- Remind me to sleep in that day. Of course, I'll be 153 years
old, so I probably won't hear what you say anyway.
Clooney Claims His Batman Was Gay, kind of a "BrokeBat Mountain"
(his own words)
In your next life, will you be a gorgeous aristocrat who's waited
on hand and foot? Or will you be born a malformed freak in some
Third World hellhole?
You can find out by taking a fun Weekly World News quiz!
Human rarities:
"Claim: Photographs show fraternal twin girls, one black, one white.
Status: True."
The Brokeback Redemption
Brokeback Mountain in 30 seconds, re-enacted by bunnies.
Some new pics from Superman Returns!
Colbert Report: "Better Know a Founder: Benjamin Franklin" ...
Stephen and Ben Franklin talk about their inventions, and who died
of syphilis.
"Colbert Report: Falconry Camps" ... We know al-Qaeda
is after our field mice!
Colbert talks to Arianna Huffington
"Colbert's word for the day: Faith" The son of Bush is beset on
all sides by devils.
Zach Braff will direct an English-language remake of 'Open Hearts'
Springsteen to release a complete album of Pete Seeger songs -
all trad folk music like Froggie Went A-Courtin' and Shenandoah
Only hours after the invention of the robot fish, Hammacher
Schlemmer introduces the Remote Controlled Robotic Shark!
- And here's the best part: "The shark can swim up to 40 feet
from its handheld remote unit - which is also submersible,
allowing you to swim with your shark!"
VIDEO:
Blind Date with a Crackwhore
The trailer for Stormbreaker
- "Based on the first novel by Anthony Horowitz about a
14-year-old orphan who is secretly trained to take on
dangerous missions for the British secret service."
Four clips from Kinky Boots
- This is official British Movie Plot #1: eccentric provincials
engage in some quirky behavior in order to accomplish something
worthwhile, while straight-laced people wag their fingers and go
"tut-tut"
- "Charlie Price faces the impending shut down of the
Northampton shoe factory that his family has owned and operated
for generations. Just when he feels that all is lost, he has a
chance encounter with Lola, a flamboyant transvestite cabaret
star. Lola's desire for stylish, kinky boots for herself and her
colleagues provides a glimmer of hope for the factory and its
employees."
"Microsoft will introduce a search engine better than Google in six
months"
Another new clip from Dave Chappelle's Block Party
The trailer for 95 miles to go, a documentary about Ray Romano's
stand-up comedy tour.
"Tom Hanks hosts advice DVD for this year's Oscar winners"
"BUSH CONSIDERING EXIT STRATEGY FOR WAR ON OBESITY"
Kid Rock says Stapp's an 'Idiot' for Losing Tape
- "Kid Rock blames Scott Stapp for losing a sex video showing
them with several strippers, but appreciates Stapp for one thing.
'What perfect timing,' Rock told The Associated Press in an
interview Wednesday. 'I got a record coming up ... Maybe I should
thank him.'"
The Smoking Gun: Foxy Felons, Part 2
- Number two looks like the official stuck-up girl from every
teen comedy.
Boy, 12, sticks his gum on valuable painting.
- Geez, these art people are so picky about their crap. I hope
they don't find out about that time I pissed on the Pieta. The
pissing was easy. The hard part was getting the pope to look the
other way.
The Encyclopedia of Lesbian Movie Scenes presents international
galleries of girls kissing girls
The Flintstones promoting smoking. This is a real period
commercial.
URL says it all:
SmokingHotWaitress.com
You might have missed the Charlie Brown Valentine Special, "Suck
My Big Black Ass, Charlie Brown"
Finally! Scientists have developed
the world's first robot fish. Blessed be this day. And you
cynics thought it would never happen. Add some laser beams, and Dr
Evil will rule the world.
IMPRESSIVE: "Assembled from 51 exposures recorded by the Hubble
Space Telescope in the 20th and 21st centuries, with additional data
from ground based telescopes,
this mosaic of M101 is touted as the largest, most detailed
spiral galaxy view ever released from Hubble."
- Click on it to see the full-sized version!
Robin Williams guest stars on Whose Line Is It Anyway?
The Smoking Gun:
Bill O'Reilly, Big Pimpin' in 1975.
Oscar viewers to hear "bitch" in a song.
- This will be the first time since Julie Andrews sang "You one
supercalifragilisticexpialadocious motherfucker, bitch"
Jon
Stewart Visits Larry King, Pt 2
This week's movies (2500+ theaters):Ultraviolet
- no reviews
- A linked article says: "According to a publicity source, UltraViolet, the
new Sci-Fi action film starring Milla Jovovich, is going the way of Aeon Flux,
and will not be screened for critics. Based on recent trends, such as Date
Movie and When a Stranger Calls opening to good numbers despite not screening
for critics, one has to wonder if the new trend in Hollywood will be to keep
many teen comedies, horror films, and certain action films from the critics."
- Yes, I think he is right. I've been writing the "this week's movies" links
for three years, and the number of unscreened movies has grown exponentially
in the past year. Of course, Hollywood could have responded to the incessant
bad reviews by making movies that they were proud to screen, but
no-o-o-o-o-o-o!
This week's movies (2500 screens):
Aquamarine - 20% positive reviews (but only five reviews)
This week's movies (2700 screens):
16
Blocks - 53% positive reviews
This week's movies (1200 screens):
Dave
Chappelle's Block Party - 92% positive reviews!
Natalie Portman: my nude scenes would be turned into porn
- "Natalie Portman would be happy to do a nude scene in a film - but is just
worried about the consequences of it. “I would be happy to do nudity in a film
that was appropriate,” she told the Times recently. “But because it’ll end up
on a porn site, that’s what keeps me from doing it. If a character goes
through something that a woman goes through, then I’ll play it.”"
- Why, the poor deluded girl. To think that any webmaster would stoop so low
as to place poor Natalie's pictures on their sites! I just can't imagine any
human being that debased, that venal. I mean, even Hitler and Stalin never put
any naked chicks on the internet.
Movie Reviews:
Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format.
Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.
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Werewolves on Wheels (1971)
This alleged film came about because the production company let it be known
that they wanted a motorcycle rider/horror offering, and would probably
greenlight the first script they saw. So, Michel Levasque and David M. Kaufman
got together, churned out this script, and got the funding. The DVD cover
says, "If you're hairy, you belong on a motorbike," which, for some demented
reason, appealed to me, and I was set to love this film. Unfortunately, it was
in the "so bad it is just plain bad" category. This turned out to be low
budget exploitation at its worst, and that line on the DVD cover is the best
thing about it.
This review contains complete spoilers, although I am
not sure the term "spoiler" can apply to a film this bad.
We start off with an Easy Rider homage, as a motorcycle gang composed of
five actors, several crew members, and a few real bikers who owned the Harleys
used in the film, are harassed by two rednecks in a pick-up truck. They catch
the truck at a gas station, and beat the crap out of one of the rednecks. Then
they go into the attached diner, where they pay the owner for the gas and beer
by having one of the women (Anna Lynn Brown) shove her tits in his face. We do
meet key players during this scene, including a tarot reading biker, one who
is evidently into devil worship, and biker Barry McGuire, who is better known
to the world for performing his one hit, "Eve of Destruction."
The gang's fascination with the occult probably explains why they next head
to a Satanic monastery, where they are drugged with bread and wine. The
leader's old lady (D.J. Anderson) is kidnapped, does a naked snake dance, and
then a skull dance. The bikers then awake, interrupt the ceremony, beat the
shit out of the monks, and leave for the desert. It is there that the gang's
leader and his old lady start attacking other members of the gang, and we
conclude that the two of them have been turned into werewolves by the
ceremony. Once the gang realizes what is going on, they burn the leader and
his old lady, then head back to the Satanic monastery for revenge.
I hate to spoil the ending of this masterpiece, but ... the bikers lose.
The biker sequences are all derivative, and the footage at the monastery is
dark and overlong. The sound track is grating, and the film is full of
unsympathetic characters. The main point seems to be that no matter how much
of a bad-ass you are, there will be someone who is a worse-ass, in this case,
Satan.
IMDb readers have this at 2.6.
Our grade: E.
Midnight Temptations (1995)
This is an erotic thriller starring Wendy Hamilton as a young fashion
designer out to win a formal competition. She sketches her female friend, a
newly-promoted police detective (Casey Mitchell), then goes to the exhibit
hall to discover that her main competitor is her childhood boyfriend. Later,
at a reception for all of the competitors, her old boyfriend sleeps with a
female judge, so Hamilton goes to the studio of a male judge. Hung over the
next day, she wakes up to find herself the prime suspect in his murder. The
murder investigation will naturally be headed up by her friend the police
detective.
The clue and/or red herring: the dead judge is rumored to have been
stealing other people's designs.
Tonight, Casey Mitchell and several unknowns show breasts. The rest
tomorrow.
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Some very nice caps of Charlize Theron in "Head in the Clouds" |
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Rachael Leigh Cook's crazy sex scene in 11:14. In the
film clip, note the
silly lightweight tombstone, ala Plan 9 From Outer Space. |
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Marlee Matlin in "Hear No Evil" |
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One more look at Lindsay Lohan's breast-baring
dress |
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Pat's comments in yellow...
"I Wish I Knew How To BLEEP You" -
FamilyMediaGuide.com reports that of all the Best Picture Oscar nominees,
"Crash" has the most curse words, 182, including 99 repetitions of the F-word.
It is also nominated for Best Original Screenplay. "Brokeback Mountain" is far
behind it in second place
with 92 expletives.
* Those cowboys don't talk about it much, they just do
it.
* Saying the F-word 99 times isn't "original" ... That's Andrew Dice Clay's old
act.
* It makes sense in the context of the story: the last time I had a car crash,
I said the F-word 99 times, too.
"360, The Game and Me," the new rap epic by Mr. Britney Spears, is online at
http://www.kevinfederline.com.
Quote: "F-it, I'm rich
for nothin'"
...At least he's self-aware.
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