"Madame Hollywood"

Madame Hollywood (2002) is a very weak T & A piece totally unknown to IMDb. It stars Mia as a midwestern girl who comes to Hollywood with her boyfriend hoping to become and actress. She end sup without the boyfriend, but running a brothel. As the film opens, we see two vice cops listening in on Katie Lohman with a John. They bust Mia, and the rest of the film is her statement to the police.

She ran ito the usual sleazy casting directors, and eventually came home to find her boyfriend in bed with another woman. She went to work as a stripper, and eventually started turning tricks. The strip club owner, played by adult star Hershal Savage, was taking too high a percentage, so she and three other girls quit and opened the brothel. She manages to charm the vice cop, who didn't really like being a cop anyway, and everyone lives happily ever after.

Mia shows breasts in several scenes, including one where she proves she doesn't know the first thing about stripping. We have breasts and buns from Lohman during the opening scene, Shauna O'Brien dancing for a trick, and Brandy Miller, also proving she doesn't know how to strip.

This is talky, there is no heat in any of the sex or strip scenes, the plot is paper thin and predictable, the music is way too loud and intrusive, and the video quality is not good. On the other hand, all of the characters were likable, and the acting wasn't glaringly bad. With a nipple count of 8 in 60 minutes, it delivers the minimum for the genre, and is hence a low C-.

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  • Brandy Miller (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
  • Katie Lohman (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
  • Mia (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17)
  • Shauna O'Brien (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    Waiting to Exhale (1995)

    I suppose that IMDb is probably the best site on the internet if you measure that by the difference between it and its nearest competitor. If you score IMDb at 100, I don't know if the next best film site is even a 25. I love the site and have visited it every day for years and years. Why am I saying this. I guess cuz I'm about to trash some elements of the rating system. The IMDb rating system has its flaws. It is dominated by films which appeal to young, white males. The most egregious example of that is that the execrable toy commercial known as Return of the Jedi is rated among the top 250 films of all time.

    Waiting to Exhale is a chick flick, by any definition, including our official objective measurement. (The IMDb male score minus IMDb female score is 1.0 or more). It is a black chick flick. To elaborate, it is a gentle, mature black chick flick about powerful, educated, upper middle class women. To top it off, it does a healthy bit of male-bashing. In other words Waiting to Exhale is on the South Pole if IMDb's fan boys are on the North, so this puppy ain't never headed for the Top 250.

    It's actually a pretty decent flick, much better than you'd expect from the 5.1 score at IMDb. It pulled in more than sixty million at the box office, Roger Ebert scored it at three stars and Rotten Tomatoes says it got 50% positive reviews.

    Now don't get me wrong, lads, I didn't enjoy it that much myself. Like most of you reading this, I'm into sports and guns and hookers and poker and fast cars and sizzling steaks and tall glasses of scotch and other manly, big penis stuff. This film has no squinty-eyed shoot-outs in dusty saloons, no car chases through the L.A. river, no gross belly laughs, and no sharks with frickin' laser beams. It has minimal nudity, and all the sex is presented from the women's point of view. In other words, it is missing all the things that make both life and the movies worthwhile. Watching it is like hanging out with Oprah for a couple of hours, pretending to be mature and evolved enough to meet her standards. But although it is not my kind of movie, I can recognize that the script tried to show the real problems faced by people in this demographic. Even the most successful and beautiful women find it as hard as the rest of us to find love, and have to kiss a lot of frogs before they find a prince. This is not an especially profound insight, and it is not particularly easy to sympathize with these women who have material comfort and each others' deep friendships for spiritual comfort, but at least the film tried to speak honestly about their lives, and the box office showed that many women were able to relate to the film's messages.

    It was directed by Forest Whitaker in a quiet, understated and subtle way that kept the film from degenerating into a sassy, high fivin', "you go, girlfriend" kind of thing, which it could easily have become. On the other hand, a little less dignity and a little more energy and humor might have made the film work better for me, because on the day I saw it, I left my vagina in my other suit.

    • Lela Rochon (1, 2, 3, 4)




    California Split (1974)

    This is a film about obsessive gamblers. The review today was written not by me, but by our poker wizard, a professional gambler himself, Silver Dollar Sam. Full review

    It's a Bob Altman film. As you know, Altman had two periods of genius which occurred before and after a long dry spell. Altman was a whiz from 1970 to 1975 or 1976, and then again from 1992 to the present, more or less. In between those periods ... eh ... not so much. This is from Altman's first period of genius, the 70s, when he churned out M*A*S*H, Nashville, and McCabe and Mrs Miller. In fact, this was the film he made just before Nashville.

    The only (extremely dark) nudity comes from Alyce Passman, who had never been in anything before, and has been in nothing since.

    • Alyce Passman (1, 2)




    Dodgeball (2004)

    I've talked about this before. Funny movie! Full review

    There's no nudity in the movie or in the special features. The only thing I wanted to talk about today is the alternate ending on the DVD. The theatrical release ends with a great triumph for the underdogs. Just as they lose the match, the bad guy gets called for a foot fault, and the good guys come back to win, get a trillion dollars, etc.

    In the director's original ending, there was no foot fault. It ended with the bad guys congratulating one another. No softening of any kind. Bad guys slapping fives, run credits. The director fought to keep that ending, but the studio made him re-shoot.

    Wow! Artistically daring stuff! The film would probably not have done as well commercially, but that would have been just about one of a kind!

    • Christine Taylor (1, 2)


    Other Crap:

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    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    'Caps and comments by Hankster:

    No "Damsels in Distress" today, just a little "Hankster Lite".

    First up the always delectable Heather Locklear with some cleavage in "Return of Swamp Thing".

    • Heather Locklear (1, 2)

    Then we move on to Amanda Detmer with an almost but not quite topless scene in "Saving Silverman".

    • Amanda Detmer (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    'Caps and comments by Vejiita:

    Part 2 of 2.

    The second batch of 'caps featuring scenes from "Sexo con Amor", a very good sex comedy from Chile.

    Sigrid Alegría plays a teacher who is having an affair with the father of one of her students.

    María Izquierdo plays a wife that isn't interested in sex anymore, so she leaves her husband always horny.

    Javiera Díaz de Valdés plays a niece of Maria Izquierdo who comes from France and had a thing for her uncle ever since she was a little girl, so she keeps teasing him, making him even hornier.

    • Sigrid Alegría, baring all 3 B's. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)

    • María Izquierdo, topless in the tub. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    • Javiera Díaz de Valdés, toplessness, plus brief pube views in links 1, 8 and 10. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)

    Annie Sprinkle The busty adult star appearing topless and playing with her big'uns on German TV (circa 1990).

    Kitten Natividad An even bustier babe! Here is Kitten topless in scenes from the 1983 teen sex/comedy/drama, "My Tutor" (1983).

    Christine Neubauer The German actress showing some cleavage in scenes from "Im Tal des Schweigens" (2004).

    Edita Malovcic The Austrian born actress going topless in a scene from "Berlin Is In Germany" (2001).

    'Caps and comments by Dann:

    "Lost Reality"
    National Lampoon has a reputation for outrageousness, and their 2004 direct-to-video spoof of reality shows is about as twisted and brazen as you'll find. I'm one of those that think reality shows are total garbage, not to mention totally staged and unrealistic, but I will admit that the contents of this movie left me rolling on the floor.

    Supposedly, the film is a compilation of vignettes of episodes that never aired, and were sent to National Lampoon in reponse to a call for submissions early in 2004. I personally suspect some were staged just for the movie, but either way, they get the point across.

    Episodes include segments of Amazing Racist, where a racist purposely offends minorities to see if he gets the crap beaten out of himself, The Whore, where guys who think they are on a dating show are interrupted in the middle of sex to be told that the woman is a prostitite (who then tells the audience what a crummy lay they were), Casting Couch, where women are convinced to read plots for scripts not containing nudity - in the nude, Caught Stealing, where contestants must steal things without getting caught, American Porn Star, where contestants compete in front of the all-porn-star judge panel, Take That Drug, where contestants binge on drugs until the last person stands, and several other equally outrageous segments.

    Totally gross, crude, immoral, offensive, inappropriate, and oh yes, funny. Even if none of these were real, they make a point and they make you laugh.

    'Caps and comments by Spaz:

    "Further Tales of the City" (2001) (miniseries)
    Sequel to Tales of the City this time with alot of male frontal nudity.

    "I-Spy" (2002)
    Eddie Murphy buddy movie co-starring some guy who resembles Nick Nolte.

    "Shanghai Noon" (2000)
    Jackie Chan western-comedy with buddy who also resembles Nicke Nolte.

    "Ordinary Magic" (1993)
    This could have passed as a family movie if it wasn't for a Glenne Headley's doing her when-harry-met-sally impression.

    "Paradise Falls": Season 2, week 12
    This week it's Michelle Latimer's turn to show some skin. Next week is the season final.

    • Cherilee Taylor: doing what all wiccans do, mixing potions while topless in the kitchen.
    • Michelle Latimer: boobs almost falling out of her domitrax outfit while getting spanked.

    Mimi Rogers Thanks go out to DeadRed for these 'caps of Mimi baring all in scenes from "The Door in the Floor". Look for it on DVD next Tuesday.

    Victoria Abril
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    Señor Skin 'caps of the Spanish actress topless and baring her bum in scenes from 1985's "Padre nuestro" aka "Our Father".

    Mail Bag
    Subject: Was that Catalina Larranaga?

    I nearly fell out of my chair!

    I was watching the tube the other day, and a commercial comes on for Winners stores (Canadian division of TJ MAXX... Who do I notice playing the everyday Mom in a nice, button down, floral print dress, but Catalina Larranaga!

    Thought I was nuts for a second, but I'm certain it's her, and it's relatively new too. Kinda strange considering I thought she was still getting regular work from the Skinemax field, and didn't think she had any Canadian ties....

    Just wondering if anyone can confirm.


    Subject: Catherine Zeta-Jones

    Up here in Canada, on Showcase they recently showed "Sheherazade", Catherine Zeta-Jones' first movie (also called "1001 Nights").

    Unfortunately, it seemed edited as the famous airplane scene was missing. Is there an edited version? Can anyone shed a light on this?


    Pat Reeder
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    So Embarrassed, He Nearly Died - Sean "P. Diddy" Combs ran his "Vote Or Die" campaign to defeat President Bush, but he didn't realize that the White House tour he took over the weekend would be conducted by George and Laura personally. The New York Post reports that Bush kept saying, "So you're Sean Combs?" When it was revealed that he and Laura share a birthday, the President suggested they celebrate jointly next year. P. Diddy said, "I'll arrange that," and as he left, said, "You have a nice house."

  • Bush replied, "Thanks, but it's only ours for FOUR MORE YEARS!!!"
  • He's a lot nicer when they make him leave his guns at the door.
  • Bush even offered to host their joint birthday party, at the Dairy Queen in Crawford, Texas.
  • Bush was really nice, although he kept calling Combs "Puffy-Puff."
  • Bush didn't even recognize him...He thinks P. Diddy is something Barney the dog leaves on the White House carpet.

    Gozilla Vs. Botox - At least one movie star is fighting back against ageism. Godzilla's 28th movie, "Godzilla Final Wars," is being sold as his final film before his imposed retirement at age 50. But saddened fans at the Tokyo premiere said they need him to keep wreaking havoc to smash their daily stress. Director Ryuhei Kitamura told the crowd that marketing executives and producers say this is Godzilla's last film, but "it's a lie," and if this movie succeeds, he'll make a comeback in a few years.

  • He's the Barbra Streisand of big, fire-breathing reptiles... which I realize is redundant.
  • Before he comes back, he'll need a lot of plastic surgery to smooth out his scaly complexion.
  • Of course, if he comes back over 50, he won't get lead roles anymore...He'll have to play the dad parts.

    Is That Elf Mooning The Camera? - To ease parents' fears after a number of high profile pedophile cases, the St. Elli shopping center in Llanelli, Wales, installed a webcam in their Santa's grotto so parents can keep an eye on Santa. Also, the kids will have to sit beside Santa rather than on his lap.

  • And there will be a sheet of plexiglass between them.
  • Instead of a photo of your child with Santa, you can buy a video of the surveillance camera footage.
  • Now, Santa knows what it's like to have someone constantly watching him to make sure he's not naughty.
  • They never should've let Michael Jackson play Santa last year.