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"Portrait" (1999)
Portrait is a made for (no apparent reason whatsoever). It is called The Portrait on the DVD packaging, Portrait on all of the title screens, and IMDB has renamed it "Portrait of the Soul," for reasons they do not chose to share. There are no reviews, no comments, and fewer than 5 votes. This soft core claims to be based on the writings of Oscar Wilde, but whoever did the credits had no idea which writings, or didn't wish to say. My guess would be "The Picture of Dorian Gray," as the story concerns the devil, who photographs beautiful women, then tricks them into offering their souls for eternal youth. At that point, the photo ages, rather than the woman.
There are exactly two elements in this film ... nudity, and the most pretentious dialogue I have ever heard. Even a police lieutenant uses words better suited to an English professor, and the stripper has a computer science degree from Cal Tech. Granted, Wilde was a little pretentious, but
he was at least intelligent and witty. This dialogue has neither wit nor intelligence. Also, if Wilde was going to do an adult version of anything, I doubt that the nudes would be female. So much for the good news. The bad news is that this is a terrible DVD. It is dark and grainy. Their idea of a spectacular photographic effect is a series of quick cuts. The sex is not very hot, other than one scene where a woman has her hand up the skirt of another woman in a strip club. For the absolute highlight of this film, see Gabriella Hall 1. I have awarded the Tuna for best performance by a thumb in a supporting role.
Fun things to do with this film:
Come up with your own name for it.
Invite a group over and pretend you like it.
Translate the dialogue into French.
Have a contest to see who can give the plot in the fewest words.
Crop to just nipples, then have everyone match the nipples to the actress.
Identify the plastic surgeon by the size and shape of the breasts.
Write a 500 word essay on the symbolism in this film. (Hint: they keep
showing the clock, and it is always 12:00)
Find a use for the DVD that does not involve electronic equipment.
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Avalon Anders
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Gabriella Hall
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Jenna Bodner
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Leslie Olivan
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| Johnny Web
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"Jackson County Jail" (1976)
Today's low-budget Cormanfest.
I have mixed feelings about this one.
There's nothing especially good about the plot. It's a reworking of Deliverance. City-girl Yvette Mimieux has just decided to move from LA to NY, and she's going to cross the country by auto because "I've never seen my country".
Well, I guess it could have been worse. If she were Russian she'd have had to drive from St Petersberg to Vladivostok. Given the quality of Russian roads, the mountains, the tundra, the wild parts of Central Asia - THAT would be a real adventure. Probably take several years, and millions
of rubles in bribes.
I guess I got distracted. Back to the story. So everything goes wrong on her trip, and finally she ends up getting raped by the night jailer in some podunk town. And that's only the beginning of her troubles, because she ends up killing the night jailer and escaping in the company of a hardened criminal. About 100 law officers get on their trail, armed with nuclear weapons and submarines and helicopters and fighter planes, and Yvette's only weapon is a jagged shard from her compact mirror.
OK, I know it sounds like crap, and it is. Some of the minor roles were obviously acted by guys they picked up on the street, or somebody's cousin Melvin. (Point of interest: director Hal Needham had a minor role.)
My mixed feelings come from two quite powerful performances for such a schlocky movie. Mimieux starts off as some kind of a corporate bitch, and she kind of overdoes that, but her acting is unbelievably realistic in that rape scene. She had me completely convinced. She got all the rage and
fear and humiliation just perfectly. And that jailer dude really tossed her around that cell. I'll bet she picked up some real bruises in that scene.
The really tough and complex portrayal came from Tommy Lee Jones as the hardened criminal. This may still be his best role.
Just in passing, Tommy Lee must be in contention for the world's biggest head, right up there with former Chief Justice Warren Burger and Oliver Platt. Tommy Lee might win for biggest head on a skinny guy.
Anyway, I guess you could say that two great performances were wasted in a cruddy movie, but they did so well that they managed to drive parts of the film forward at a reasonable pace.
Yvette Mimieux's breasts were exposed briefly in the rape scene.
IMDB summary: 5.5 out of 10. No reason to argue with that. I enjoyed watching Tommy Lee, but not much else. Even Mimieux's nudity was in too painful a context to be sexy.
DVD info from Amazon. Not a great picture quality. Don't know whether to attribute that to the film or the
transfer. No widescreen version, minimal extras (trailer, bios, scene selection, brief Corman interview with Maltin).
Yvette Mimieux
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"Sunday Bloody Sunday "(1971) from TomCat
The only movie title I can immediately recall with three consecutive words ending in "y".
Quite an achievement.
I think this was the first mainstream movie that I can recall in my lifetime with an honest and non judgmental attitude toward homosexuality, directed by a real director (John Schlesinger of "Midnight Cowboy" fame), with characters that seemed like real people.
It's about a love triangle where two people are in love with a free spirit artist kind of guy, and only one of the two is a woman. That may seem like a plot on the Teletubbies these days, but in 1971 it was quite a big deal.
Peter Finch played the homosexual doctor. Glenda Jackson played the woman. Murray Head played the bisexual artist. Head was most famous singing the part of Judas in Jesus Christ Superstar, and his single from that play made the Top 40.
The British Film Institute picked this among their top 100 of all time, but I wonder if you really need the context to appreciate it. It was actually kind of a a bland, casual film about taboo topics. In its time, it was shocking and controversial, and the very lack of sensationalism are
what made it so controversial. Viewed through the distortion of our own time, there is no culture shock, just the leftover bland movie, and I'm not sure if it will hold up if you didn't live through that era.
On the other hand, it was nominated for every major Oscar except best film.. Best actor, best actress, best director, best screenplay. Which, as T.S. Eliot might say, leads us to an overwhelming question. How could a movie have the best script, the best directing, and the best acting and not
be nominated for best picture?
On the British side, it won every friggin' thing.
This was the era of Glenda Jackson nudity. It may not seem like much today, but Ms. Jackson was a breakthrough performer in this regard. She was one of the first, if not the first serious actress to do substantial nudity. She even did frontal nudity in this era, which made her virtually unique. There is even a brief shot of her pubes in this movie.
As you undoubtedly know, she retired from performing about a decade ago, although still in her early 50's, and she is now a politician, a member of Parliament representing Hampstead. She was also some kind of minister there for a while. The government kind, not the religious kind. Possibly the Minister of Silly Walks.
Actually, I believe silly walking is a form of transportation, and that was her ministry.
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IMDB summary: 6.4 out of 10.
VHS info from Amazon. Not yet available on DVD.
More from TomCat
I don't know these movies.
Ursula Karven in "Toedliches Leben", from a couple years ago.
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And some Diana Ross concert thing.
| Graphic Response
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Tara Fitzgerald from 1998's "Conquest".
Comments by Graphic Response:
I was given a tip about this film by MovieGuy who has a great eye for the unexploited treasures. The film is not on VHS or DVD. It also has not been reviewed by the usual sources so it may be an original presentation. Not a great deal of nudity but Tara looks better than she did in Sirens IMHO.
| Brainscan
| Corinne Russell
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Comments by Brainscan:
Corinne Russell was a first rate page 3 babe who showed up on the silver screen for a while. I mean she was no Judi Densch but at least she could talk and take her clothes off at the same time. Here in the Funhouse, what else matters?
| Dixie Chicks
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Shania Twain
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Didn't expect much from the country music awards, even though the women of that genre rival those in pop rock (and you know, I can't figure that out. Babes as newscasters, reporters and actresses... that I understand, 'cuz they ain't allowed in the door if'n they're not presentable. But
singer/song-writers? Where is it written you have to be drop-dead gorgeous to sing? I will accept any explanation, no matter how lame.) Anyway, I was surprised by the amount of flesh, as seen on the usual newsphoto sites. The Dixie Chicks showed up to show off and Shania, as usual, could wear cold weather survival gear and still look sexy. By the way, I think the Dixie Chick dressed as a pudgy Little White riding Hood is named Martie Seidel... at least that's what the caption to the photo said.
| Natalie Portman
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And lastly, we have an act, equal parts devotion and courage. Devotion to take the gawd-awful pictures of Natalie Portman published about a year ago and attempt to make them presentable (dear publishers: in addition to keeping your damn print off the babes' bods would you also mind terribly
printing nekkid pictures of them on something other than used recycled toilet paper. Thanks ever so much). Courage to send them months after everyone and his cousin has seen Queen Amadala in the altogether. Mea maxima culpa.
| | Jessica Alba, and a Rant by Jr.
| Jessica Alba
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Since I'm sure not everyone wants to read my diatribe, let me begin with the goods...
1-6, Jessica in "Dark Angel" by Stop Motion
7 and 8 More from "Dark Angel" by Chi (#8 is from the scene where the bad guy bent her over the table and felt her up. Pretty hot stuff for American TV)
#9 Is by Akira and features a younger and less buff Jessica from "Idle Hands".
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Now...on with the rant. Or to borrow from the fillers in between Saturday morning cartoons from my youth..."Here's one to grow on".
Ok...So you're going to have a new TV show debut this fall. You're star is a super hot young babe. Your exectutive producer is the legendary James Cameron. You have high production values, a bazillion dollar ad campaign, and almost as much hype as the Presidential Election.
So what the hell went wrong? I looked forward to "Dark Angel", I was hoping it would be a nice mix of Buffy and the X-files. But no way Jose! In the first 10 minutes they ripped off at least 8 other sci-fi movies or shows. Including....
1.'Resistance movement broadcasting pirated signals' element. Been there...13 years ago! The movie was called "The Running Man", maybe you've heard of it. Just because that idea hasn't been used in a long time, doesn't make it new!
2. The Electro Magnetic Pulse. A sci-fi cliche that was never very popular.
3.Bar code tattoos. Yawn. On a side note I once tried to convince a smoker friend of mine to get a tattoo of the barcode for a box of Marlboro Lights on his arm. That way he could check out the grocery store much faster by simply waving his hand. He didn't go for it.
4.The government is evil and is really more like one giant evil corporation. Yup, that was called "Robo Cop". (as well as a bunch of other movies)
5.Hot chick wears leather, rides a motorcylce, kick ass, spouts one-liners...That would be "Barb Wire".
The list goes on.....
James, James, James....stealing from "Barb Wire". Are things really that bad? I'm guessing the pressure to have another hit after making BILLIONS on Titanic has been too hard on you. Looks like you've cracked. Perhaps it's time to retire to a ranch in Montana (like all of the other movie stars)
And finally, my biggest pet peeve....If you're going to make a TV show and spend a bazillion dollars advertising it...At least buy the domain name! Come on FOX! darkangel.com is a softcore porn site that is "...dedicated to the simple concept of Sensual Enlightenment for the intelligent, sensual adult". (Quote from darkangel.com main page)
Somehow I don't think your target audience is looking for advice on BDSM or swinging. Plus the guy has owned the domain since like '95! Don't tell me you couldn't buy the guy out!
Secondly...if you're going to launch a new TV show in this day and age...MAKE SURE YOUR WEBSITE IS FINISHED!
I know the first show is always a little rocky for any new series. Sometimes a series takes a few years to find it's voice. So I'll watch Dark Angel for now. If for no other reason, because Alba is a babe of tremendous magnitude. Although I would like to see her act a little more, as opposed to just pouting and spitting out the Arnold-Stallone-Willis-esque action dialogue.
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| Nastassja Kinski
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Great, rare vidcaps from a long forgotten, 1978 Drive-In movie..."Boarding School". #1 is a very young Kinski in see-thru lingerie, #2 is topless.
| | Isabella Rossellini |
Just a hint of see-thru nipple exposure
| | Diana Pang Dan |
No clue who these next two lovely Asian actress are, but they both look great in these scenes from "The Imp", by ReCap.
| | Emiko Ishizuka |
Scenes from "The Imp", part 2.
| | Kirsten Dunst |
Semi-see-thru of Kirsten from Maxim.
| | Raven De La Croix |
Great topless images the 1983 teenage T&A movie "Screwballs".
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