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"The Giant Spider Invasion"

The Giant Spider Invasion (1975) is #56 all time worst at IMDB with a score of 1.9 of 10. The film earned that honor. Actually, they never had a chance. They started with a budget of $300k, 5 producers, no script, and lots of F/X and CG requirements. They wrote the script as the went, then submitted it to the 5 producers, one of which would always disapprove the new material. Giant spiders are invading Wisconsin, and two scientists are trying to stop them. Seems the spiders are extra-terrestrial, and opened a conduit to the Earth. They arrive in geodes, which contain a spider, and lots of diamonds. They never attempt to explain why the diamonds are there, but they were necessary to keep the farm-owners where the spiders landed from reporting the invasion.

Alan Hale plays the part of The Captain ... ooops, The Sheriff, and Gilligan is played by Robert Easton, as the son of the newspaper owner, and a reporter. Hale actually calls him Little Buddy. Easton's girlfriend, and sister/sister-in-law of the farm owners, Diane Lee Hart, shows her breasts after a shower, and is wearing nothing but panties.

Taken as a horror film, this is an F, but it is the stuff of which MST is made. So, if the genre is bad movies, this is a C.

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  • Dianne Lee Hart (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15)


    Exposť (1975) is an erotic thriller, cut from the same cloth as the ones made now in the US for cable and direct to vid. It stars 70's British sex symbols Linda Hayden and Fiona Richmond. Several things about this surprised me. I was expecting a sex farce when I ordered the boxed set of Fiona Richmond, I didn't know anyone made erotic thrillers in 1975, the transfer quality was far worse than I hoped, and male lead Udo Kier turned in a forced and overwrought performance. To top it off, he played a drunk in one scene, and rather than portraying a drunk trying to act sober, which is what real drunks do, he went way overboard with slurring, stumbling, etc.

    Kier's first novel was a huge success, and he is under a deadline to complete his second, but finds life too detracting, so goes to the English countryside. He sends girlfriend Fiona RIchmond away, and has his publisher hire a typist to work with him, Linda Hayden. Kier has disturbing premonitions of someone slashing people with a knife. We learn early on that he is pretty much an arsehole, not only in the way he treats those around him, but the way he spies on Taylor when she is masturbating, and goes through her things when she is out for a walk.

    We also learn that Hayden is not above violence, and suspect that she is a woman on a mission. Kier can't seduce her, and brings Richmond back. The two women end up in the sack together, then the real violence starts. We have breasts and buns from both women, several times, and a lot of graphic violence by British standards. IMDB readers have it at 5.4 of 10. It is only available on Region 2 PAL so far. It is a good example of the genre, hence is a C. It would be a C+ with a better transfer.

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  • Fiona Richmond (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19)
  • Linda Hayden (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    No Such Thing is a dreadful movie. Released in March on 9 screens, it failed even that minimal box office test, and was shelved until DVD day. The film has a completely irrelevant and detailed  (surgery in real time? - my kind of entertainment!) digression from about minute 5 until about minute 45, when it finally gets back on track. After that point it improves, sometime rising to the level of mediocrity when it borrows shamelessly from other films. It's sort of a Beauty and the Beast meets Wings of Desire thing about an indestructible monster who really wants out of the whole immortality thing. Actually, he's not much of a monster. He's more of a really crabby, really ugly guy who lives forever, and can spit flames. If you were blind you wouldn't know he was a monster at all. You'd think he was a crabby guy with a flamethrower. Roger Ebert gave this one star, which was pretty damned generous, if you ask me. How did screen legends Helen Mirren and Julie Christie get roped into this? They must have really wanted that free trip to Rejkavik.

    • Sarah Polley. She didn't get nekkid, but I think you can see the top of her areolae in these cleavage shots. (1, 2, 3, 4)

    WARNING HEAVY SPOILERS!!!! Seduced: Pretty When You Cry is every bit as bad. It is an erotic thriller.

    As a thriller, its only device is to twist everything you believe at first, and introduce surprises. Guy is called into a police interrogation because two people are dead. He thinks he killed one of them. It turns out that one isn't dead at all, and the other one died before he thought he killed him. So who did kill him, and why, and who will pay for it. It just keeps peeling away layers until it comes up with two completely ludicrous final plot twists that are pretty much unjustified by the film. First, the policeman sends the guy to jail after telling him he didn't actually commit the murder, but simply bopped a corpse. Hey, he has a confession, so he arrests him. Why did the detective do this? Because the arresting detective, who has not previously been shown to have any connection to the victims, is actually the real murderer!! Can you say Deus Ex Machina, kids?

    As a erotic entertainment, it is a rip-off. The sex scenes are dark, and are shot from camera angles designed to hide as much female nudity as possible. There is plenty of sex. Plenty of dirty talk. Plenty of kink. (It was rated NC-17 at first for violent sex scenes). But yoiu need a pause button for the nudity

    Avoid this puppy.

    • Carlton Elizabeth. She's one of those big-featured women that can look very beautiful or very ugly. (1, 2)


    Other crap:

    • Here are the court documents filed in the Allan Iverson case
    • Pam Anderson pregnant with Kid Rock's baby
    • Play 20 questions on your own. You think of a TV show or movie, and this site tries to guess it.
    • The French military develops a simulated surrender game
    • I thought this was a really cool story about England's top sports hoaxers. Remember when American sports used to be fun? Bring back Casey Stengel and Morganna the kissing bandit.
    • If you collect celebrity mugshots, here's Iverson
    • Federal anti-Spam legislation opposed by the powerful penis enlargement lobby. Very good satire from The Onion
    • Speaking of cool - three unproduced Monty Python skits (written by Graham Chapman) to be performed at Edinburgh festival
    • This year's winners of the Bulwer-Lytton bad writing contest
    • Bush picks the head of the corporate crime force. Others say he's a corporate criminal. Well, he should understand the workings of the criminal mind, so he should be able to set the right traps. Plus, if the investigation is going slow, he can have himself arrested to show some progress. His defense - get this - even though I was on the board and the audit committee, I knew nothing of our deceptive sales practices until the investigators arrived, then I led the housecleaning! Uh-huh. Can you imagine a board member of a credit card operation admitting that he had no concept of his own firm's sales practices? This is approximately the same as a board member of McDonald's admitting that he didn't know what a Big Mac was! This, of course, implies that he would also have no concept of what his future task force investigators would be doing. I wonder - just exactly what did he do as board member of a credit card company if he didn't know how they were marketing credit cards? I guess he found more important things to occupy his time. I have to admire a guy with the courage to admit that he knew nothing about the most important element of the primary business of a company when he was on the board. It can't be easy to stand up before the world and say "sure, I'm both irresponsible and incompetent, and I was just on the board to rubber stamp management and pick up my check - but I'm honest, by golly!" We need more guys like that. Of course, he didn't actually have that much courage. He had his spokesman do it!

      So there's our Hobson's choice.

      • If he's telling the truth, we have an unbelievably irresponsible guy heading up the task force. It's like Bush just nominated Sergeant Schultz to head up the POW camp. "I know nussink! Nussink!" (Oh, yeah, by the way, the company's stock collapsed and thousands were laid off. Now THAT's the kind of performance we need from our task force.)
      •  If he's lying, we have a liar of course, and a corporate criminal. Worse than that, if he's lying, we also have an unrepentant corporate criminal in charge of the corporate crime force. As Marv Albert would say , "ye-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s"


    Here are the latest movie reviews available at

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that I inexplicably determined there might be something of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    The babes of Inside Club Wild Side. We start off wth Brande Roderick, of course, sport-humpin her third guy of the movie. Boobs in most of them. Bush in numbers 2 and 5, and some up-close and personal Brande bum shots in 4 (although we do not get so up-close and not nearly so personal as the lucky bastard of an actor).
    • Brande Roderick (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

    Second up is Ahmo Hight, which is also the altitude at which bullets and bombs can be safely stored. Ahmo plays an employee of Club Wild Side, and as we will see later in the week, she not only strips (as in this scene) but also does the nasty inside and outside the club. In real life, Ahmo is a fitness model, which means two things: 1) she models for magazines with the word "muscle" somewhere in the title; 2) when she had the robohooters installed, she opted for the rock-hard, thoroughly unnatural pair. In this scene we have Ahmo bum in collage 1 and Ahmo-robo-hooters in the other five. Collage six is especially for those who like topless women in red vinyl boots. Thrown in is a collage of an uncredited actress who plays a topless dancer in a swing. Huh?

    Last of the caps are of veteran B movie babe, Monique Parent. In the first collage she is completely clothed, but guys you gotta trust me on this one, you do want to see this. Why? Well, a recurring theme of the movie is that the protagonist, a wild west artist who moves to LA, is.... how to say this delicately?... hung like a horse. And each of his four partners reacts to his member with various states of, shall we say expectation. In the first collage one gets a very good look at Monique's reaction and the reason for it.

    Collages 2-10 show Monique hooters, robo as they are, and you get some look at Monique bush in collages 3 and 9. Number 9 also has Monique bum. Now, my favorite of the group is number 4, as Monique shows off her acting skill, the mixture of... well, emotions, I guess... as she rides the pony.

    And while we are on the subject of Monique Parent, allow me to sing the praises of Senior and his skill in constructing a Monique entry to the Encyclopedia that is so encyclopedic it would have caps of her graduation video if she had flashed the crowd. Just to add to things, I found pictures of a young Monique in Mr. Guccione's magazine. These are from one of that publication's famous boy-girl pictorials. We see Monique fishing for trouser snake and doing some sport-blowing in numbers 1, 2 and 4. First-rate gyno-cam view in number 3. Sport-humpin in number 5.

    • Monique Parent (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)


    Yet another look at Mariel Hemingway topless in "Star 80", the biopic of former Hefmate Dorothy Stratten.

    • Mariel Hemingway (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

    Katie Holmes
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)

    A tribute to the lovely young actress who really needs to be nekkid a lot more often. Links 3-18 feature her topless in "The Gift". Links #1 and #2 are from "Disturbing Behavior", with #1 showing some lucky bastard copping a feel.

    A note to all Hollywood producers: If you ever have another role that requires feeling up Katies Holmes, I am available and willing to work for free.

    James King
    (1, 2, 3)

    The beautiful model/actress showing the goodies in scenes from "Happy Campers", by Elliffen Graphix. Links #1 and #2 are technically see-thrus, but the breast exposure would be the same topless. In #3 she is baring er breasts, but they are painted

    Bobbie Phillips
    (1, 2)

    Topless and rear nudity in scenes from "The Hustle".

    Heidi Schanz
    (1, 2)

    Toplessness and far off rear views in scenes from "Body Languange".