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"Hard as Nails" (2001)

Hard as Nails (2001) is a direct to vid issued by Roger Corman's New Concord distributing company. It is a crime/action/soft-core, and would be yet another in the recent crop of pretty good soft-cores except for the transfer, which is grainier than the beach at Hilo. Still, if you sit far enough away from the screen, it is not a bad watch. The film includes Yakuza, ninjas, Russian Mafia, strippers, hookers and cops. With all of that culture to choose from, it is no wonder that we had Kung Fu, swordplay, gunfights, vodka drinking, screwing, and lots of tits. The tits included Lorissa McComas, Kim Yates, Stella Farentino and a host of anonymous sex therapists.

Not enough votes at IMDB for a score, and no reviews on the net, so you only have me to rely on. You want tits and action, with a plot that is only half stupid, and decent acting, give this one a try. C.

  • Thumbnails
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  • Kim Yates (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)
  • Lorissa McComas (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16)
  • Stella Farentino (1, 2, 3, 4)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    Training Day is the new cop film with Denzel Washington as the corrupt experienced cop and Ethan Hawke as the innocent partner in training. Silly plot, but effective as a character-driven drama laden with the tension of the moment. After only three weeks, it is already the 15th highest grossing film of the year, and had 73% positive reviews.

    The nude scene is slightly out of focus, and my copy of the tape was awful (I think it was a camcorder bootleg).

    Quality is awful, but here it is so you get the general idea. I guess it is still the right one until the right one comes along.

    A lot of you are thinking to yourselves. What kind of movie do I want to see? I guess the answer is usually "one with a clear shot of Rip Torn's asshole". But you've already seen Freddy Got Fingered. What to do? Well, I don't have any more Rip-related suggestions, but if you want to see an erotic thriller with bad acting, a bad script, and possibly the worst director since that guy who did Manos, the Hands of Fate, here's your chance to see The Midnight Hour (aka Tell Me No Lies). I really couldn't say it's unwatchable, because any movie with Amber Smith undressed in good light has to have watchable moments. Ah, but the rest - the rest is gold, Jerry, gold!


    (Letters re: yesterday's comments)


    The funny thing is, Uma Thurman =did= star in a Robin Hood film in 1991, just not Costner's. Fox did ROBIN HOOD starring Patrick Bergin, which was superior in virtually every measurable way to ROBIN HOOD: PRINCE OF THIEVES, but Fox only released is as a Fox TV movie, because they knew they couldn't compete theatrically with the Costner Megalith.

    Which is too bad. Bergin's left toe was a better Robin Hood than Costner's entire body, Uma was a better Marian, Bergin's film was infinitely more historically accurate (both in terms of plot and in terms of costume and weapons detail) and didn't have to shoehorn Morgan Freeman into the movie in order to provide someone with charisma. The only way in which Costner's film is superior is in villain: Alan Rickman is far better than Jeroen Krabbe (who played a baron, not a sheriff, since a sheriff is actually a
    minor functionary; there is a sheriff of Nottingham, but he plays a small role as the baron's lackey, which is as it should be), but even there, Bergin's film has a =phenomenal= one-scene appearance by Edward Fox as a frighteningly insane Prince John.

    Hi Scoop,

    I haven't mentioned any of my favourite word errors, but since I lived in Calgary for a few years, I feel I ought to weigh in on this one. Actually the most common mispronunciation of this name is to say it as if  it were two guys "Cal Gary". Calgry is actually much closer to the correct pronunciation, and someone who hears a local pronounce it correctly could be forgiven for thinking that's what he heard. It does have 3 syllables, but the second is barely voiced, thus "CAL-guh-ree". (I really wanted to use a schwa for the second syllable, but couldn't find one on my character map).

    By the way, I now live in Calgary's neighbour-to-the-north, Edmonton, which is often pronounced (even by locals) as Emmentun. But what can I say, to me it sounds like natives of New Orleans pronounce their city as something resembling "Narlens".

    Yeah, it's not easy to transcribe, but I guess it's more like "n'orlins" or "n'awlins", depending on whether they articulate the R. Both versions are common.  People across the USA have different ways to pronounce this word. I guess the most common is New OR-lee-ins. I used to say New Or-LEENS, which my friends and I learned from the Maverick theme song: "from Natchez to New Orleans, livin' on Jacks and Queens", but I don't suppose that has any justification, given the French origin of the word. One tricky thing about that name is that the adjective is in English and the Noun is in French, which doesn't make it any easier to come up with a sensible pronunciation. I'll bet I say something different every time I say it!

    Another similar example of a quirky local pronunciation is the Florida town of St Augustine, which the Florida locals call Saint Ah-GUS-tin, not Saint AW-giss-tine.

    And, of course, New Yorkers can spot a rube when he asks for HYU-stin street instead of HOW-stin.

    Hey, I was thinkin'.

    How many crossover entertainers have been better at their second career than at their primary one? I can think of only two offhand, the two one-name chicks, Cher and Bjork, both of whom are pretty good actresses, and not very good singers, even though they started as singers (and I guess Bjork is not going to act any more). Are there any examples with two names?

    Scorpion's Skinemax
    Joan Severance
    (1, 2)

    Topless and full frontal nudity from the "Red Shoe Diaries" episode, "Safe Sex".

    Kim Yates
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    Kim in two different late night cable appearances...
  • Links 1 and 2 feature toplessness, exposed bum, and some pseudo sex the softcore series "Nightcap", episode "Physical Desire".
  • In links 3-5, Kim is topless and shows some thong views as she seriously works the brass pole in scenes from "Hard As Nails".

  • Lorissa McComas
    (1, 2)

    The busty brunette also doing some topless dancing in scenes from "Hard As Nails". Again, we have some nice thong action, plus a brief pseudo sex scene.

    Michelle Von Flotow

    Michelle Von Flotow and Stacey Howell

    More goodies from the "Physical Desire" episode of "Nightcap". Von Flotow shows off her plasti-boobs, a bare bum, a hint of pubes while gettin' it on. Stacey Howell then joins Von Flotow for a 3-way.

    Lisa Martinek Very nice full frontal nudity by the German actress in scenes from "Der Schuß".

    Lori Stern Lovely shower scene breast exposure from the German TV series, "Balko".

    Gruschenka Stevens The goodies are there, but a little hard to see in this skinny-dipping in scene from "Das Teufelsweib" ("The Devil Woman") (2000).

    "Teenage Caveman" is airing this month on Cinemax as part of their "Creature Features" series. The movie is directed by Larry Clark, so naturally, you can expect to see to see nekkid teens. If you haven't caught it yet, it will be on again Wednesday at 10pm.

    Additional comments by Raja...

    Okay, a bit late, but here's the two "name" actresses who appeared in Teenage Caveman. An okay scifi cinemax feature directed by Larry Clark. Is it just me or despite his interest in young people and despite the fact he makes all his films about young people, he actually really detests them the way he shows them as a bunch of stupid violent promiscuous uncothed animals in all his films?

    On the plus side his films are always interesting and he has gotten many a fine young actress to disrobe - including these two. Tara Subkoff was the other girl in Freeway besides Reese Withersoon. Reese went on to fame and fortume. Tara unfortunately hasn't really done all that much noteworthy.

  • Tara Subkoff (1, 2, 3)

  • Crystal Grant (1, 2, 3, 4)

  • Variety
    Christina Ricci An excellent (and huge) scan that her fans should enjoy. Great quality scan by Risk2.

    Regina Russell
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    Assorted late night cable toplessness from one of the only redheads on Skinemax. In link #5, Amber Newman joins Regina topless.

    Jules Asner
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

    Today we welcome the very first scans from a new Fun House contributor, Wolffly.

    The host of various shows on E! looks darn good in this layout from the November Maxim.

    Jordan Ladd Cheryl's daughter looking pretty good wearing only black undies in scenes from the superhero farce, "The Specials". Vidcaps by Akira.

    Halle Berry
    (1, 2)

    Just in case you haven't seen it yet...here is Halle in "Swordfish" (which comes out on DVD today). Link #1 is her famous topless scene, link #2 shows her black undies scene.

    Jennifer Ehle
    (1, 2)

    Partial breast exposure in scenes from "The Camomile Lawn". Vidcaps by Feckit.

    Audrey Hepburn 'Caps and comments by Frost:


    I decided to do "Breakfast at Tiffany's" with the lovely Audrey Hepburn. While I was capping I made a discovery. In the scene where she receives the telegram about her brothers death, she goes hysterical and George Peppard tries to calm her down. While he holds her, it looks like there is a hint of areola. This may be something, or it may be nothing, you just have to decide for yourself.

    It is only visible in one single frame, and I found it easier to see on my computer, than on my tv(probably why I have not spotted it before).


    Celeb Nudity News
    >From Roger Friedman's column, Fox News.com:

    Laura Linney Naked, You Can Count On It

    I wrote favorably in this space months ago about an independent movie called Maze. Written and directed by Northern Exposure star Rob Morrow, it also stars Morrow as a sculptor named Lyle Maze who has Tourette's Syndrome.

    Laura Linney, the Oscar-nominated star of You Can Count on Me, makes a memorable appearance fully naked, with nothing to hide, as an artist's model.

    Originally, Maze could not find a distributor and so it bounced to the Starz cable network where it had several plays and then evaporated.

    But the big news is that Maze is now coming to a theatre near you and me on Nov. 9. The producers have gotten a small distributor, Andora Pictures and so the movie - which will not be eligible for the Oscars due to its TV run - will finally get some big screen attention.

    Maze deserves the attention. Seemingly based on the real life story of Toronto-based sculptor Shane Fistel, the movie entwines Fistel's saga - previously told in a documentary and PBS special called Twitch and Shout - with a concocted love story. Fistel was a patient, by the way of, of Dr. Oliver Sacks and had a small role in Penny Marshall's movie, Awakenings.

    Morrow does a fine job of acting and directing. If you happen to catch the PBS special you'll see that he gets Fistel just right, which isn't easy.

    As for Linney, she told me some time ago that appearing in the buff was not something she sweated. "I figured I'd better do it while I could and not be ashamed. It's something I can look back on years from now."

    You can count on her.

    Lyle Maze, by the way, is the real life name of a jazz musician who plays with Pat Metheny, but I think that's just a coincidence. It's a great name, though, for a movie character.


    Also, this on another topic, from IMDB News. Interesting take on acting and the relative importance of accents. I tend to agree with John Cleese, who played a great Shakespearean actor being interviewed on one of Monty Python's records. He said the hardest thing about acting was remembering all those words, while at the same time having to think about what sort of face you're going to pull next:

    Albert Finney: Accents Aren't Important

    Acting legend Albert Finney reckons accents aren't so important in the world of movies. The 65-year-old actor is renowned for his mastery of accents. But he doesn't believe it's too much of a problem for contemporaries like Sean Connery or Michael Caine that they've never been able to shake off their natural tones. He says, "One of the requisites of being a movie star is that you give them what you want of you. In the old days you wouldn't have asked John Wayne, even when he was playing a Manchurian chief, to have any accent other than his own because it would have disappointed his legions of followers. If an actor says to a woman 'I love you', you have to believe him. It's a question of belief, not of accent."

    >From Ananova.com:

    Sara Cox suing over newspaper's honeymoon pictures

    Sara Cox is to sue the Sunday People and photographer Jason Fraser under the European Human Rights Act.

    The Radio 1 DJ has rejected an apology by the paper.

    The Sunday People printed nude photographs of Cox on honeymoon with her new husband, DJ Jon Carter.

    Keith Schilling, who is to act for Ms Cox, has confirmed that Cox is to issue proceedings against the paper, but would not comment further on the decisions behind the lawsuit, Media Guardian reports.

    Cox and Carter were photographed at a private villa in the Seychelles, by a photographer acting for Mr Fraser, without their knowledge.

    The island is private, but the photographer booked a room close to the couple.

    Cox's agent Melanie Coupland complained to the press complaints commission about the photographs.

    The Sunday People acknowledged in an apology that Cox and her husband were "deeply upset" by the photographs, which "should not have been published."

    As always, thanks to Pat Reeder at The Comedy Wire for these stories.

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