"Countress Dracula"

Countress Dracula (1970) is a Hammer horror film based on the legend of Elizabeth Bathory, who is rumored to have slaughtered dozens of virgins to use their blood as a beauty treatment. As the film opens, the Count has died. Elizabeth (Ingrid Pitt) is to split the bulk of the estate with her daughter, trusted servants are given remembrances and the son of the Count's best friend is given the stables. He is a dashing young Lieutenant, and catches the eye of the Countess. When she discovers accidently that the blood of a virgin restores her youth, she has her daughter kidnapped, and with the help of two trusted servants, convinces the Lieutenant that she is her daughter. Pitt shows breasts in two scenes, and we may get a flash of public hair when her robe opens partially. Susan Brodrick, as the first victim, is seen in a pile of corpses discovered by the police. Her breasts are visible. Nike Arrighi, as a fortune telling gypsy, also shows breasts as a corpse. Andrea Lawrence, as a whore, shows ample breasts, and a side nude view as a corpse. IMDB readers have this at 5.5 of 10. Available reviews are general favorable, although most criticize the aging makeup worn by Pitt. I found it an easy watch, and it didn't end exactly as I expected, which is a big plus. This is a solid C, and the DVD release is the first time the uncut version has been on home video. It is a nice letterbox widescreen transfer, and even includes a commentary.

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  • Andrea Lawrence (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
  • Ingrid Pitt (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
  • Nike Arrighi (1, 2)
  • Susan Brodrick (1, 2, 3)


    Trash (1970) was the second in the "young Joe" trilogy produced by Andy Warhol, and written, directed, filmed and edited by Paul Morrisey. Warhol put up the money and took the credit, but actually had no creative input into the film. This time Joe is a young heroin addict in New York. He is living with Holly Woodlawn, who supports them gathering trash and selling it. Although Woodlawn plays the role completely as a woman, he/she is a biological man. Joe goes out each day in search of heroin and adventure. The adventure usually involves a woman, and Joe has erectile disfunction as a result of his drug use. Eventually, they hatch a plan when Woodlawn's sister, Diane Podel, turns up pregnant with a baby she doesn't want. Joe and Woodlawn will take the baby, claiming it is theirs so they can get on welfare.

    Although we, thankfully, don't see any exposure from Woodlawn, there is a beer bottle masturbation scene, and her encounter with a social worker with a pillow under her top is also memorable. Podel shows breasts and a very pregnant belly trying to seduce Joe. Andrea Feldman also shows breasts in an encounter with Joe. Gerri Miller shows everything in the lengthy opening scene of the film. The first thing we see is a close-up of Joe's pimpled butt, then the camera pulls back to reveal that someone is in front of him giving him head. Miller soon gives up, then tries a strip show to turn him on, on the stage her sugar daddy built for her in her apartment. That doesn't work either, so she offers to give him enough cash for some dope if he screw her. Again, he can't perform.

    IMDB readers have this at 6.5 of 10. It has attained cult status, and many claim to enjoy it. There was no script. The entire film was improv. Most of the characters were simply obnoxious. The transfer was wretched, full of noise, scratches, dust, etc, and was color shifted in many places. Clearly this has a following, and has been compared to reality TV fare, but most will not find much to like here. C-.

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  • Andrea Feldman (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16)
  • Diane Podel (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
  • Geri Miller (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    I'm on limited action this week. Catch ya soon.



    Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.



    days left until International Talk Like a Pirate Day (Sept 19)



    Here are the latest movie reviews available at

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    Graphic Response
    • Bobbie Phillips, the busty B-movie babe topless, and very briefly showing pubes in scenes from the movie "Cheyenne" (1996). Geeks like me of course know her best from her guest spot on "The X-Files" as "Dr. Bambi".

    Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website.

    'Caps and comments by Dann:

    My attitude: if you gotta watch opera, it might as well be naked opera. :-).

    This 1987 film is actually ten short pieces directed by ten different directors, each a non-traditional interpretation of a movement from a different opera.

    I'm no opera lover, so much of this was lost on me, but I sure understood the lovely naked women. Worth watching if you're an opera lover, or in the mood for something really different.

    Snow Blind
    Kim Basinger A blast from the nudity, but Basinger played a very sexy cartoon named 'Holli Would' in scenes from "Cool World" (1992)

    Odessa Munroe Showing off her big ol' robo-boobs in her gratuitous topless scene from "Final Destination 2" (2003)

    Sheri Moon Partial rear nudity from her one and only IMDb credit, the Rob Zombie movie, "House of 1000 Corpses" (2003).

    Ingrid Steeger
    (1, 2, 3, 4)

    Stripping down to toplessness and undies in scenes from a couple of episodes of the late 70's German TV series "Zwei himmlische Töchter".

    Ivonne Schönherr
    (1, 2, 3)

    The young blonde actress showing some excellent cleavage, and going topless in scenes from an episode of the German TV series "Ein Fall für zwei".

    Birge Schade Full frontal nudity in "Der Skorpion" (1997).

    Flora Montgomery Toplessness and full frontal nudity in scenes from the Dutch film, "The Discovery of Heaven" (2001).

    Muriel Montossey
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

    Topless, rear nudity and full frontal views in scenes from "La proie du désir".

    Christina Cox
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

    Karyn Dwyer
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

    Señor Skin 'caps from "Better Than Chocolate" (1999)...a movie about two lesbian lovers, one of the lesbian's mother, a transsexual about to undergo a sex-change operation and their nutty hijinks. Ok, so I made up the hijinks part, but the rest sounds like an episode of "Will and Grace". Both ladies show breasts while bodypainting each other. Dwyer also shows bodypainted bush.

    Pat Reeder
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    Clinton Said The Same Thing In 1997 - The California governor's race dirt-digging continued Wednesday, with unearthing a 1977 interview with Arnold Schwarzenegger in the men's magazine, Oui. Arnold said he took part in a gang bang at Gold's Gym but only the bodybuilders who were secure enough about the size of their manhood to perform in front of other men took part. He also said that even if a "chick" is a little out of shape and weighs 150 pounds, he wouldn't hesitate to date her if she turns him on and is a "good fuck"

  • Now conservatives are worried that he's another Bill Clinton.
  • Feminists don't know whether to be offended or flattered.
  • So "Arnold the pig" isn't just a character on "Green Acres."
  • Luckily for Arnold, people who've attended orgies comprise more than half the voting population in California.
  • So "Mr. Universe" had a lot of sex! What a surprise! Next, they'll be telling us Gary Coleman used to work with known criminals!

    Crunching The Numbers - Arnold is doing very well in most polls, particularly the Taco Bell poll, where sales of crunchy beef tacos (counted as a vote for Arnold) led Gray Davis (soft chicken taco) by 54 to 3 percent. This prompted California Democratic Party chairman Art Torres to blast the poll as "rigged," noting that beef tacos cost half as much as chicken so they sell better.

  • Yeah, but people are buying five or six at a time.
  • They're considering appealing it to the Supreme Court.
  • Sounds like Art Torres is one taco shy of a combo plate.

    Bet She Enjoyed The Strip Search - A 34-year-old Sharon, Pennsylvania, mom was arrested for corruption of minors and other charges. Police say she'd taken her son and three of his friends, all under 16, to a go-cart track for her son's birthday, but all the go-carts were rented out. So she allegedly drove to Ohio and rented a hotel room, where she gave the boys beer illegally and did a striptease for them. She gave them $1 bills to tuck into her bra and panties and asked them to spank her. Police said her son told them he was embarrassed by her actions.

  • Heck, he was embarrassed when his mom drove them to the go-cart track!
  • Usually, she just does this when they're alone.
  • He's embarrassed, but the other guys all want to hang out at his house now.
  • She admitted she'd been a bad girl and suggested the cops spank her.

    Fallopian Tubing - Russians have invented a bizarre new extreme sport: racing down the rapids on inflatable sex dolls. The race was held on the Vuoksa River near St. Petersburg, and contestants had to wear a helmet and life jacket and stay sober. Pravda reports that they praised the dolls for "floating wonderfully," being "nice to the touch," and "not wanting to get married."

  • And being really fast!
  • Why, they could ride them all night!
  • Something tells me the first guy who did this wasn't sober.
  • They make add this event to the X-Games and make them the Triple X-Games.