Jennifer Rubin

Herr Haut did a few caps from Saints and Sinners, and it reminded me of something that I have meant to write about and never did. We have joked about a lot of people whose presence in a movie guarantees that it will be crap. I've pointed out that Juergen Prochnow's picture on a DVD box has the same meaning as a cow skull next to a water hole, and I've written often of the curse of Bryan Brown.

But, excepting the performers of softcore, nobody compares to Jennifer Rubin.

Prochnow has been in 23 films or TV movies rated 5.0 or lower at IMDB, including House of the Dead, 16th worst of all time. But it took him 36 years in the business to accumulate so many credits in bad movies, and he was also in some good ones like The English Patient and The Lost Honor of Katharina Blum, and even starred in one brilliant one (Das Boot).  Even Bryan Brown was in one great movie, Breaker Morant, which is often considered a masterpiece.

But Jennifer Rubin retired with a perfect record. She never had a major role in a good movie. Although the former model is certainly attractive, and some of her performances are a-ight, her name or picture on the DVD box really is an absolute guarantee that the movie will stink! She was in 29 movies and an incredible total of 22 of them are rated 5.1 or lower, approximately matching in her short career an achievement that took 64-year-old Juergen Prochnow an entire lifetime of acting in bad movies and television shows.  TEN of her movies score in the threes at IMDb. That is a truly astounding statistic, because Gerard Depardieu has 113 films with an IMDB rating, and only TWO of them are in the threes.  None of her movies are above 7. She was in one movie rated above 6.5 - Oliver Stone's The Doors, which could fairly be called a good movie - but she had such a tiny role that I don't even remember if she had a line, so you won't find her name or pic on the DVD box, thus maintaining her record.

There isn't much chance she can break her streak, since she pulled a Sandy Koufax and quit while she was ... er ...  on top. She retired from films in 2001 while still in her thirties, and is now working as a hostess in a New York restaurant.

Here is the roll of shame:

  1. (6.69) - The Doors (1991)
  2. (6.13) - Road Kill (1999)
  3. (6.12) - Permanent Record (1988)
  4. (5.95) - Delusion (1991)
  5. (5.89) - A Nightmare On Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987)
  6. (5.68) - Screamers (1995)
  7. (5.27) - The Fear Inside (1992) (TV)
  8. (5.13) - Full Eclipse (1993) (TV)
  9. (5.09) - The Crush (1993)
  10. (4.89) - Drop Dead Gorgeous (1991) (TV)
  11. (4.85) - Twists of Terror (1996) (TV)
  12. (4.80) - A Woman, Her Men, and Her Futon (1992)
  13. (4.66) - Playmaker (1994)
  14. (4.50) - Loved (1997)
  15. (4.41) - Bad Dreams (1988)
  16. (4.36) - Falcon Down (2000)
  17. (4.34) - Deal of a Lifetime (1999)
  18. (4.25) - Bitter Harvest (1993)
  19. (4.05) - The Coriolis Effect (1994)
  20. (3.99) - Amazons and Gladiators (2001)
  21. (3.82) - Blueberry Hill (1988)
  22. (3.75) - Last Lives (1997)
  23. (3.64) - Plump Fiction (1997)
  24. (3.59) - Red Scorpion 2 (1994)
  25. (3.49) - Too Much Sun (1991)
  26. (3.43) - The Wasp Woman (1995) (TV)
  27. (3.43) - Sanctimony (2000) (TV)
  28. (3.42) - Little Witches (1996)
  29. (3.29) - Fatal Conflict (2000)
Jennifer Rubin in Saints and Sinners

Other Crap:

This week in Unnecessary Censorship

Scarlett Johansson Voted 'Best Cleavage on the Planet' by People Magazine

The trailer for Wordplay, the crossword puzzle movie.

Oops, she's gone and done it again: Britney Spears pregnant for second time

This week's movies (1000 screens): Goal! - 64% positive reviews (Soccer movie set in the U.K.)

This week's movies (2600 screens): Just My Luck - no reviews yet (Lindsay Lohan movie)

This week's movies (3500 screens): Poseidon - 42% positive reviews.

  • I'll be surprised if this film does as well as expected. This one looks to me like a disaster picture - and I'm not thinking of the content.

The Weekend Warrior's predictions for the box office this coming weekend

  • He thinks M:I:3 will lose the top spot to Poseidon.

Yahoo has nine clips from Poseidon

Rocky Balboa Blog: Check out an exclusive clip from ROCKY BALBOA

The trailer for Lady in the Water, Shyamalan's new movie.

Is Kevin Federline Planning On Dumping Britney Spears?


Fametracker's Ten Least Essential Summer Films, 2006

Free Game Downloads: VH1 Games has all your favorites!

Mr. Belding performing Tom Jones at karaoke.


The 200 Most Influential New Yorkers, as chosen by New York Magazine

Colbert discusses orgasms with Shere Hite

Colbert Report: Porter Goss Resignation

  • Stephen shows how to spread innuendo with integrity.

Daily Show: Gorman's Poll Smoking: Obesity

  • 28% of Americans have appeared as headless fat people in TV stories about obesity.

The Daily Show: "Porter Goss was described by Bush as having 'led ably?' Ouch! That guy must have suuuuuuuucked!"

The Daily Show asks: "Is Goss' departure bureaucratic shuffling, or did someone shoot heroin into their penis?"

The Daily Show: "Weather people are generally genial, until they start insulting each other's Doppler forecasting."

New Yorker editor David Remnick talks to Jon Stewart about his new book of collected pieces, "Reporting."

Update from Cheerleadeer Guy. "Well, I did NOT watch David Blaine last night. I split my time between Leave it to Beaver and the hockey game. While watching the Hurricanes, I remembered something...during that year they went to the Stanley Cup (2002) they had hot cheerleaders. Well, they got 'em again! They are not officially cheerleaders, but a Spirit Squad. I need to start a web or something."

Hasselhoff update: Knight Rider to come to the big screen.

NASA's new master plan to improve rocketry? An open contest.

MLB Baseball Player and Team Rankings - CBS Go, Royals.

Any Blade fans out there? Clips and pics from the new TV show.

Spoof or real? MPAA celebrates customs agents who have developed DVD-sniffing dogs.

The Rainbow, a fiesta of nudity from mainstreem actresses, is finally available on a DVD with some features. Unfortunately, it is in Region 4. Here are our thoughts on the movie. Click on the image below for DVD info from the American importer.

The Rainbow DVD Amanda Donohoe (1989)

Factotum - the film with the Marisa Tomei topless scene - is now available on Region 2 DVD - this link leads to an American importer. It also happens to be quite an entertaining movie. Here are my thoughts on the film. (Click on the image below for DVD info.)

Factotum DVD Marisa Tomei Widescreen (2005)

"Teachers have gotten into trouble over using 'The L.A. Math Test,' a piece of Internet humor, in the classroom."

Letterman: Top Ten Questions George W. Bush Asked The New CIA Director

  • "Can we speed this up? I wanna see 'RV'."
  • "Is Cialis right for you?"
  • "Can you explain to me what the hell is happening on 'Lost'?
  • "Can you get me some surveillance photos of Jessica Alba sunbathing?"

French version Of The Apprentice to be called "You're crap, but you can stay."

Online Video: - Dick Cheney's Greatest Hits

URL pretty much says it all: SuriCruise.Com


Movie Reviews:

Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format. Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.


Waterland (1992)

Stephen Gyllenhaal's Waterland (1992) brings to life a very dark script by Peter Prince based on a Graham Swift novel. It tells the story of an aging High School History professor (Jeremy Irons) who is losing his grip on his students and his sanity. To capture student interest and acceptance, he begins to tell the rather lurid story of his youth in The Fens, the flat wet Northern area of England. It is the story of Irons ancestors, and his own life with his wife Mary. Meanwhile, in the present day, his wife has become overly religious, and has kidnapped a baby, all as a result of what happened to them as teenagers. It is, I suppose, a ripping yarn, including adolescent sex, murder, abortion, a reprobate grandfather who was a brewer, and much more.

Most critics feel that Waterland had many good features, but didn't really work. Public acceptance has been much better. Although it grossed just over $1M in a US theatrical release, IMDb readers now say 6.6. I was not as impressed as those readers, but it is not my sort of material.  Irons was brilliant, and Sinéad Cusack as the older Mary was top-notch, making me believe that she had gone quietly batty living with her past secret, but the story is unrelentingly dark, somber and depressing, start to finish, and I didn't find the same visual appeal to the area that Gyllenhaal did, nor could I see any reason why he moved Tom and Mary Crick to Pittsburgh, even though the remembrances are all in England. Most important, the story simply led nowhere. Throughout the telling, I hoped that Irons had some brilliant plan, and would tie the stories to some life-changing history lesson for the students, but it wasn't to be, and he even used his forced retirement assembly to finish the story.

Grade: C

Then-newcomer Lena Headey as young Mary showed breasts in two sex scenes. She was discovered in a country little theater, and was not highly regarded by her director.

 Cara Buono, as a student, shows breasts in a brief fantasy scene.

Look for a walk-through, literally, from Maggie Gyllenhaal in her first screen appearance. (No nudity.)







Well, the Hhllbilly tour is over and we are back in the real world. Today we visit "The Substitute: Failure is not an Option".

Angie Everhart has her boobies exposed by Treat Williams


Angie having sex with the bad guy.

K.C. Powe shows breasts having sex and then getting dressed.





Women who have posed nude for Allure over the years

Brittanny Murphy Pamela Anderson Gina Gershon Erika Christensen Sandra Bernhard
Garcelle Beauvais Brooke Shields Kelly Preston Poppy Montgomery Robin Tunney
Julie Bowen Kyra Sedgwick Samantha Mathis Joy Bryant Rose McGowan
Drea DeMatteo Anne Heche Erin Daniels    
Some very sexy non-nude nostalgia: Natalie Wood in The Great Race

Meg Foster in Return to Arrow Beach

Jana Havlickova in a deleted scene from Hostel

Salma Hayek looking like Salma Hayek, which is more than enough

Herr Haut captured four nekkid chicks in something called Meat Weed Madness (2006). Renee Archibald

 Meat Weed Madness (2006). Liz Santoro

 Meat Weed Madness (2006). Carey Sveen

 Meat Weed Madness (2006). Ann Liv Young

 Señor Piel continues with Emmanuelle Seigner in Frantic ...

... and Katherine Heigl in Side Effects



Pat's comments in yellow...

In a new sex survey of American students in grades 7 to 12,  thirteen thousand teens were surveyed twice, a year apart, and asked if they'd
had sex and if they'd signed a pledge to keep their virginity.  In the second survey, those who had sex for the first time in the year since were three times more likely to change their stories and deny they'd signed a virginity pledge.  And those who'd previously admitted having sex and had signed a virginity pledge since were four times more likely to deny they'd ever had sex.  The study's author, a Harvard doctoral student, said it shows teenagers might only recall memories that are consistent with their current beliefs.

*  Or it could mean teenagers lie about their sex lives... but that's just crazy.

Home-schoolers no longer have to graduate alone and without hoopla.  The Atlanta Journal-Constitution reports that last week, 35 home-schooling parents rented the convention center for a graduation ceremony with 800 guests.  And more and more parents are paying for class rings, announcements and even yearbooks for home-schooled kids. 

*  Very, very thin yearbooks...Actually, just a school photo in a three-ring binder.