Awesomest Maximus


AKA: National Lampoon's The Legend of Awesomest Maximus

This is the latest National Lampoon comedy. It's a spoof of recent sword-and-sandals movies, quite similar in that respect to Meet the Spartans, except that Awesomest Maximus takes its basic plotline from Troy and layers in characters from 300 and Gladiator, while Meet the Spartans took its basic plotline from 300 and layered in characters from every other source it could think of, ancient and modern. MTS probably included (bad) impersonations of The View, The Apprentice, rap videos, The Breakfast Club, several episodes of Jonny Quest, President Bush's press conferences, American Idol, and Fried Green Tomatoes. Actually I think it did include some of those things, while I just imagined the others. Or not. I'm not going to watch it again to find out.

Both this film and Meet the Spartans seem to spend way too much time pointing out the obvious fact that toga movies seem to be made by and for gay men, but I think it's fair to say that Meet the Spartans is basically just a series of mostly unrelated pop culture sketches and impersonations which are loosely held together by the structure of 300, while Awesomest Maximus is essentially a MAD-style parody of the film Troy, although it also uses materials from similar recent films.

Awesomest Maximus is better than Meet the Spartans. How could it not be? Meet the Spartans is on the IMDb all-time bottom 100. Amazingly, that places it in the middle of the careers of co-producers/directors Friedberg and Seltzer. They have three films in the bottom 100, including two worse than Meet the Spartans. Their worst film, the appropriately titled Disaster Movie, is rated 15th-worst of all time on that list! Before they came along, John Derek had held for more than two decades the dubious distinction of being the worst post-WW2 director among those with five or more theatrical releases. Derek directed five theatrical films, and two of his immortal classics are currently in the all-time bottom 100, but his throne in bad movie Valhalla has now been usurped. If you compare the two lists side-by-side, Seltzer and Friedberg make Mr. Derek seem like Stanley Kubrick in comparison:

Seltzer/Friedberg John Derek
  1. (3.30) - Vampires Suck (2010)
  2. (2.60) - Date Movie (2006)
  3. (2.50) - Meet the Spartans (2008)
  4. (2.20) - Epic Movie (2007)
  5. (1.70) - Disaster Movie (2008)
  1. (4.10) - Once Before I Die (1966)
  2. (3.02) - Tarzan, the Ape Man (1981)
  3. (2.98) - Fantasies (1981/I)
  4. (2.63) - Bolero (1984)
  5. (2.08) - Ghosts Can't Do It (1989)

To establish a basis for perspective, consider that Uwe Boll, the German schlockmeister so often ridiculed as the contemporary Ed Wood, has directed six films which are rated 4.0 or higher at IMDb. The legendary Ed Wood himself made eight films rated higher than 3.3, which is the highest score Seltzer and Friedberg have ever achieved. (Altogether, Wood directed eleven films which have IMDb scores; Boll's total is 21 and counting.)

Here are the career medians for these directors:

  • Ed Wood 3.64
  • John Derek 2.98
  • Uwe Boll 2.92
  • Seltzer/Friedberg 2.50

Awesome achievement, you guys!

Getting back to the point ever-so-briefly, I have to ask myself how much room there is for an alternate version of Meet the Spartans. Very little. Awesomest Maximus is lame. It is not as lame as Meet the Spartans, and Maximus at least has some nudity and other R-rated shenanigans for us to enjoy. And is has Rip Torn, who is always pretty cool in his loony way.

But it's still pretty darned lame.


The woman who plays the Oracle in the special features (lying in front of a green screen) seems to be a different person from the one who appears in the final film. If these are indeed two different women, then one of them is Nathalie Walker and the other is not. Nathalie is the one credited both in the closing roll and at IMDb. Personally, I think that the one in the special features looks like Nathalie, while the other does not, but I'm just not sure, and I may well be wrong, since the credits would indicate that Natalie is either the one in the actual film, or both. At any rate, Natalie must show you her breasts in here somewhere.

Below are two caps, one from the film, one from the unfinished green-screen scene, thus allowing you to take your own guess.

Movie Oracle

Green-screen Oracle

There are lots of topless women scattered through the film. I can't determine their identities from the credits, but here are the scenes in question.


  • * Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe).

  • * White asterisk: expanded format.

  • * Blue asterisk: not mine.

  • No asterisk: it probably sucks.


Catch the deluxe version of Other Crap in real time, with all the bells and whistles, here.



A Perfect Getaway



Kiele Sanchez film clips (samples below)






Johnny's comments:

Snapshot is a Melbourne-based thriller with some absolutely weird touches. A hairdresser is offered a topless modeling job. She accepts, causing her strict mother to throw her out of their home, and forcing her to stay at a photographer's place, where others also crash. The modeling gig begins what seems to be a never-ending cycle of people that become obsessed with the former hairdresser, including her female boss, the boss's impotent husband, and a former boyfriend who stalks her in an ice cream van.

So, who is the one trying to kill her? Good luck with that one cos it's probably all of them.

Interesting idea that doesn't wholly succeed, but is not all bad. The stalking ice cream van is an absolutely absurd touch, although it needed some happy music to make it even creepier (and more ridiculous). Mind you the creepiest part is probably the soundtrack by Sherbet.



Sigrid Thornton film clips; collages below




 It's back to the 80s - wonderful memories!

Best Defense

The nudity in Best Defense (1984) comes from a topless Tracey Ross.

Helen Shaver is down to her underwear.

A Certain Sacrifice

A Certain Sacrifice (1985) is Madonna's first movie and is a load of pretentious claptrap.

 The DVD quality is not much good either. She is topless however.


With a name like Hardbodies (1984) you'd expect a lot of nudity, and we're not disappointed.

The only bush comes briefly from Kristi Somers.


Many of the rest just show their breasts. They are:

Cindy Silver,


Darcy DeMoss,

Jackie Easton,

Julie Always,

Juli Lawrence,

Karen Lybrand,

Leslee Bremmer,

Teal Roberts,


Tina Riccio

and some not identified.



Some very lovely women are Crystal Shaw,

Erika Dockery and Kit Hamilton,

Karen La Voie,

 Karen Lee Kelly,

Kathleen Kinmont (in the first of many memorable movies)


and Roberta Collins.

Hot Moves

Lots more nudity in Hot Moves (1984).

Showing everything are Deborah Richter,


Monique Gabrielle

and lots of nudists on the beach.



Showing breasts are Gayle Gannes,

Heather Ling

and Tami Holbrook.

Looking good are Jill Schoelen,

Kerry Noonan,

Sunny Smith,

Suzi Horne

Valerie Perfit.

and "the dream girl"

The Initiation

Some lovely nudity in The Initiation (1984).

Deborah Morehart (aka Hunter Tylo) in her first movie shows the lot after a shower.


Paula Knowles shows her bum

and Daphne Zuniga shows some builder's crack.

Looking good and in various stages of undress are Francess Peterson,

Joy Jones,

Marilyn Kagan,

Vera Miles

and some women not identified.

The Lonely Guy

The Lonely Guy (1984) has Robyn Douglass in some see-through nudity

and twins Candi and Randi Brough are looking good.


No nudity in Mask (1985), just pokies by Cher.

My Tutor

Another movie with some lovely nudity is My Tutor (1983).

Caren Kaye shows the lot.



Graem McGavin,

Jewel Shepard,

Kathleen Shea

and Kitten Natividad show their breasts.

Amber Denyse Austin,

Shelley Taylor Morgan

and a lovely aerobics class are looking good.


No Small Affair

The nudity in No Small Affair (1984) is by a topless Judy Baldwin

and there is some brief breast exposure by Demi Moore.


Adding to the interest is Jennifer Tilly, who is in her first movie,

and Elizabeth Daily.

Sheena: Queen of the Jungle

The lovely Tanya Roberts is naked in Sheena: Queen of the Jungle (1984).



France Zobda shows some amazing cleavage

and some native girls are topless.

Silent Rage

Some breasts are exposed in Silent Rage (1982) by Lillette Zoe Raley,

Toni Kalem

and an unidentified woman.


Some amazing nudity from a PG-rated movie called Splash (1984).

Daryl Hannah shows her bum and a bit of nipple.


Spring Break

Plenty more breasts in Spring Break (1983).

The women are Bobbi Fritz (aka Nikki Fritz),

Kathy Ryan,

Rhonda Flynn,

Sheila Kennedy

a Kennedy/Ryan pairing

and a few unidentified.



Those looking good are Corinne Alphen,


Elenore Raabe

and Jayne Modean.

They're Playing With Fire

Sybil Danning is wearing nothing in They're Playing With Fire (1984), and it fits very well.

Movies of Sybil's sexy scenes are included here.



Wet Gold

No nudity in Wet Gold (1984).

Brooke Shields looks very sexy in her swimsuit but the DVD quality is not very good.


The Woman in Red

Some brief bush is flashed by Kelly LeBrock in The Woman in Red (1984).

 I've included a couple of movies of Kelly's most memorable scenes here.


Others looking good are Judith Ivey,

Sandra Wilder

and a couple not identifiable.



Cher see-through. Looking good for 60+.


Kate Beckinsale semi-transparent

Marisa Miller